Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Twilight...yet. But my horoscope says I should be getting paid today :)

Chapter One: Choking and Handjobs

People like to say I'm cocky. That I'm rude. That I'm distant. That I'm the biggest asshole to walk the planet. Funny, that they never point out their faults. Also funny, I realized I don't give a flying fucking pancake what they think. For when it's the end of the day and they wonder if I'm thinking about them, I never am but that's beside the point, I remember the one thing that does matter:
I'm Edward Anthony Cullen.

"Alice, get in here," I call to my younger sister. With her short pixie hair cut and generally short stature she looks like Tinkerbelle with a major 'tude twist.

"Edward?" Alice taps me on the shoulder and widens her eyes innocently. I don't even have to tell her I'm pissed anymore. She just expects it. And my parents say we don't understand each other. "What's wrong?"

I ignore her faulty concern and toss the envelope to her as I go to stand behind the cash register. This is my store. A book store. If you go next door you will be in my instrument shop. And next to that, my tutoring center. And a block away, my hotel. Yeah, I pretty much run this town. Forks was nothing before I got off the plane five years ago. 21 and naive I decided to invest all of my inheritance in one stock. Now 26 I can see I was foolish. Thankfully, I've always had luck and have usually gotten what I wanted. The single stock made me a multi millionaire over night and the W.C.C. was born. A dream comes true.

Alice started laughing. Loudly. My few customers looked up in fright as the tinkling laugh became more of a hysterical maniacal sound. "What...is...THIS?" Alice laughed and smoothed out the contents of the envelope so she could read the letter more thoroughly. I felt my upper lip curl and quickly snatched the paper out of her hand. She protested but quickly dismissed that notion when she saw my boiling rage.

"I figured it was your handiwork, Alice, but seeing your reaction I guess it is not after all. My mistake," I pinch the bridge of my nose and take deep breaths. Must not get angry. Must not get angry at Alice. Must stay calm.

"I didn't know you swung that way, Eddie," Alice laughed and went to toss out some nasty customers left over croissant.

"Alice you should know I do not find pleasure in having another man cork my ass," I smile slightly and watch her wrinkle her nose in disgust.

"I should hope not, Jasper would be so upset that you hadn't told him years ago," her eyes got misty as she thought of her boyfriend and my best friend. Stupid saps they were.

"Why's that? I didn't think he'd be interested in corking me himself. And I wasn't even aware he was like that..." I chided her and her fists balled up defensively. Forced to continue because of her reaction, "Pity, I don't see how he imagines you as a man but, hey, anything's possible I guess." I walk to Alice and kiss her on the forehead. She wants to rip off my balls and use them for hockey pucks I'm sure.

I look around my shop and head over to an elderly man who can't reach the top shelf. "May I?" I assist and he nods graciously. I hand him the book on fishing and look back at Alice. "Alice?" She perks her ears up and looks at me expectantly. For the apology. "At this angle I can see the man aspect Jasper sees!"

"EDWARD CULLEN!" and that's when Alice lunges and my world goes dark.

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"Alice, why? C'mon, you know Edward. He was just trying to get a rise out if you. Don't play into it next time or they will charge you with attempted murder."

"It won't be attempted, Jazz. I will kill him. I WILL. He can't get away with everything..."

"What happened anyway? What were you guys talking about?"

"He said I looked like a man..."

"Yes, baby, I got that. Before that?"

"Oh, someone signed him up for a gay dating website and he blamed me. How would I know if he's gay? He doesn't talk to anyone besides the family, you, and...EMMETT!" Alice's voice went shrill and the floor started to creak. Emmett must have arrived.

I should probably wake up and tell them all is well and Alice didn't choke me that bad. But still. She did choke me until I blacked out so I think I will just let her sweat a bit. And now they are discussing my sexual orientation so I might as well hear what they have to say.

"Emmett! Did you sign up Edward for that gay match site we were talking about?" Alice raged. Without even opening my eyes I knew the scene in front of me must have been hysterical. Small, highly feminine Alice jumping into the face space of Emmett, the man with the size equivalent to a grizzly bear. "Did you?" Alice screeched again.

"I thought that was the plan..." Emmett said slowly. I hope they have room for another bed in here because Alice is really gonna choke him now. Wow...such violence in such a tiny person is a lethal combination.

"NO! The plan was to set Edward up with Tanya! The dancer from my dance studio! The leggy strawberry blonde with a smart ass attitude! The female version of him! Not... A... Man!" Alice was out of breath and leaning against my bed for support. Hmm now may be the perfect time to wake my pretty self up.

"Mom? Dad?" I opened my eyes with a look of what I hope is perceived as bewildered. Alice shook with joy and lunged again. I closed my eyes waiting for the choking but it never came. Instead I was grabbed around the shoulders in a tight hug. "Alice? What did you do to me this time?"

Alice let go and sheepishly looked down at her feet. "I sorta choked you...nothing major. You just hit your head on the book shelf. If you didn't pack the store so tightly we would be having this conversation there," Alice scolded me and let out a small dry sob.

"I'm sure it is my entire fault. Next time you choke me I will stay awake long enough to move into an open area, just for you, sis," I winked and rolled my eyes. "So when am I free to go? Now, right? We have that presentation to get together, Jasper. How is that coming along?" my tone returned to it's cold and calculating normalcy. No one moved. No one spoke. No one blinked. "Excuse me? Is there a problem?" Still no movement. "Hello? Earth to people?"Alice stepped forward and took my hand. "Edward you've been out for three days...the client pulled out. They were a Christian Society..." Alice explained carefully. I didn't see the connection between my company and religion. There wasn't one. "We had to rush you to the hospital...we forgot to shred the mail..." still no connection being drawn."I didn't shred the gay match confirmation letter." *click*

"What? They pulled out because they think I'm gay? Filthy hypocrites! Their chairman Mike Newton is incredibly gay! You need to pour water on him to keep the flame at bay! I mean I have no problem with people loving the same gender! Woohoo for them! But I love pussy! I love women! I love boobs! How the fuck can I be gay?" My attention turned to Emmett. The Reason. "EMMETT! How could you do this to me man? This was a huge account! I hope your chuckle was a good one because I am going to kill you!" Emmett paled and stood behind Alice. Coward! "Who was my match anyways?" I asked curiously.

"Mike Newton..." all three of them said in unison. Of course he is. That's why he pulled out. I knew his secret. I could have ruined him. Just like he ruined me. There was one thing I needed to fix this. I need a chick.

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It shouldn't be so goddamn hard to find a chick. Honestly. I'm Edward Cullen. Girls should be flocking to my side just to touch me. It'd be an honor to "date" me. Yeah, like I'm actually looking for a relationship. Hahahahaha...no. Never. I don't need one of those. I just need that contract back. Or at least a bigger one to compensate for my loss. Damn, that was a big contract. It would've paid for the new house in Volterra. But nooo now I have to pay on a monthly basis like a Nobody. This is exactly why I liked being rich. Knowing I was better. But now because Emmett thought he'd be funny I'm less of Somebody.

I kicked off my shoes and curled up into my sheepskin chair. Yeah I look like a chick but I'm pretty comfy. I close my eyes and imagine Her. The One. Not that I've met her but I know who I want her to be. Smart. Sexy as fuck. Funny. And Perfect. I opened my eyes and picked up my magazine of the week. "Hello...Leah..." I mumble as I take it the Native American beauty. Not exactly The One but she will work for tonight. I pull down my pants and greet my pride and glory, Eddie Junior. I really should think of another name for him. "Junior" really hurts his feelings. But what's done is done. This has been his name for 13 beautiful years.

I take hold if him gently and began to stroke thoughtfully. I picture Leah coming down the stairs to my living room wearing nothing but the silk jungle themed panties I've adorned for one exact purpose: to rip them off.

"Hello, Edward," she coos a throaty sultry greeting. Without a second thought I pull her on to my lap and kiss her neck. I kiss a trail down to her breasts, softly all the way day to her pert nipples. Waiting, anticipating my arrival. I suck on each with equal force. With equal attention. Receiving an arousing moan each time from the lovely Leah. I swirl my tongue around each nipple. Finally satisfied that she has peaked two delectable mounds.

"Have you been a good girl, Leah?" I groan against her mouth. She shakes her head and wiggles in my lap. "I guess then I will have to punish you." Leah involuntarily crashes on to me with the weight of my words. Her weight on my cock almost makes me come right then. But I wait. I always wait for Her.

I run my hand along her back and feel her shiver. I lay her down on the couch and run my finger across her sex. She clenches her legs together and I tut. That's not polite. "Leah...I'm not going to let you come today. Being impolite has consequences. But I will allow you to make me come for you." Eddie Junior stands at attention and waits for her. Her mouth forms the perfect 'o' at the site and begins to suck. Hard. But never too hard. Faster. Longer. Taking in as much as the shaft as possible. Using her small hands for what she cannot take in. The perfect combination of her moist lips and quick handiwork.

I open my eyes to have my release when it does finally come I groan "Alice!"

I wipe my hands on the towel next to me and shove Eddie Junior away for the night. I look back up and see Alice, red faced and close to tears. "Told ya, sis, I'm not gay. Now get the fuck out of my house so I can clean up." Alice nods and flees the house without even saying farewell to my housekeeper Sue. How rude, I chuckle darkly, maybe next time she will call in advance.

A/N: *looks around curiously* anyone here? Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Reviews are nice things :)