Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I do not own Nintendo. Miyamoto and Iwata are not on speaking terms with me. I see little point to writing this for a fanfiction specific site.

The Red Ring of Death

Chapter 1: Once More, Here We Go

"Check."

"…Check."

"…Check."

Toon Link groaned in impatience as he watched the other two flit pieces across the board. "Come on!" he complained. "Can't you do this later? It's so boring."

Ness and Lucas, the smartest of the kids at the mansion, were engaged in a game of chess. For anyone else that might have seemed boring, but the two were at forty-six moves and had been trading checks for several turns now. Meanwhile, the other children—Toon Link, Popo, Nana, and Red—were bored out of their minds as they waited for them to continue.

"Don't rush us," Ness requested, using a 'mature' tone. "We're playing an extremely difficult game that's beyond the reach of children."

"Then why are you playing?" Nana asked.

"Because we're smarter and that makes us more mature," Ness explained, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. He moved his queen to counteract Lucas's knight. Off to the side, Squirtle and Ivysaur were playing tic-tac-toe as they waited.

Red snorted, folding his arms at the accusation. "I'm a ten year old minor who was sent recklessly off into a world full of murderous monsters so that I could compete against adults in battles through raising my own Pokémon," Red argued. "How am I not mature?"

"You practically participated in a chain of cock fights," Ness said, keeping his eyes on the board. "Besides, you only did it for bragging rights." At hearing this, Squirtle leapt up and shook a fist at Ness.

"Squirtle Squirtle!" he defended hotly. We did not do it for bragging rights! We did it for money. Red nodded in agreement with his Pokémon, remembering the massive fortune he had amassed. He had his own accountant at eleven years old; now that was what Marth would call living life.

Someone tapped Red on the shoulder, and he turned around. The eleven year old trainer's face lit up as he recognized who it was. "Dawn!" he greeted happily, hugging her. "I missed you!"

At the sight of Red and Dawn hugging, the other children burst into hysterics. "AH! Red's got cooties!" they screamed, and began running in random shapes. Lucas and Ness knocked over their chess game in their panic; Toon Link hid under an exasperated Bowser, who continued reading his paper.

Red ignored them; so much for them being the more mature ones. He had already gotten his cooties shot so that he could hug Dawn.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Kirby sat in the fridge eating ice cream, while Ike and Lyn watched idly to make sure he didn't eat the fridge as well. Zelda was also there, enjoying some alone time with a book. She had never gotten enough time with them, since she'd always had to make sure Link wasn't getting in trouble… and she meant both of them. But now with Samus picking up slack on the older incarnation, she had more time. It was refreshing.

"Hey Zelda," Lyn called. "Do you know when Pit gets back?" Pit had gone on a short vacation back to Skyworld, having missed the clouds—and Palutena, naturally. But in the short week he was gone, the smashers came to realize how desperately they needed him. Pit's innocence was more than a lovely rose in the middle of the desert, it acted as a censor. Nobody would incite Palutena's wrath and so things were kept toned down by his presence.

The last week had revealed more about people than anyone knew there was to reveal. Ganondorf and Peach had open hair sessions in the middle of the mansion, ROB wandered around with any plating for his wires, Marth used curse words Zelda didn't know about, Olimar threw sophisticated parties in his home stage, Samus had a fetish for a bloodied Link, and Lucario… let's just say there were some things even Mewtwo chose not to think about.

"I think he gets back sometime today," Zelda answered Lyn. "Personally, as long as he gets back before Sonic goes on another drinking binge… I never want to see a hedgehog drunk again." Lyn nodded her agreement and looked at Ike for his agreement. Ike grunted, earning a gentle elbow from the green-haired swordswoman.

Ike glanced out the window, just in time to see the innocent little angel coming down from the heavens. "Oh, look; a guy with wings," Ike commented. He was dragged along by Lyn and Zelda to go greet him. They ran out to greet Pit in front of the mansion, who landed and waved hello.

"Pit! It's good to have you back!" Lyn greeted. Pit nodded and smiled, and immediately all three adults knew something was up.

"Pit? Is something wrong?" Zelda asked him.

The angel took a deep breath. "Nothing's wrong, just different," he answered. "While I was in Skyworld, Palutena decided I was finally old enough to have a talk. She sat me down and explained the birds and the bees."

…

"Okay," Ike grunted. Lyn elbowed him again. She and Zelda were quite taken aback by the news. Pit was no longer innocent. He knew. And from the look on his face, he'd known quite a long time.

"We're happy for you, I guess," Zelda muttered. She had personally been looking forward to an innocent child-like Pit. But there was no turning that back now.

"It's okay," Pit acknowledged. "I'm still having trouble with everything. I was sort of child-like before, and then after that talk everything made sense, and boom—I felt more mature. But I should be proud, because Palutena says I'm the first angel who's lived long enough to get the talk!" He beamed in pride, and there was a hint of the previous Pit in his smile. He wasn't quite an adult, Zelda decided. He was more of a proper teenager.

"How old are you?" Ike asked.

"About 15,000," Pit answered. Ike stared at him. Pit didn't quite get what was wrong with that.

Zelda sighed. "Well, I guess you'll be one of the adults now," she offered. "That means you'll be able to handle—"

"Hey guys! Pit's back!" Popo shouted, drawing the attention of the kids as they ran over to greet their now teenage friend. "Do you want to play fighter jet?"

And just like that, Pit and the kids were running around in circles, arms outstretched like wings with engine and machine gun noises coming from their mouths. Zelda sighed to herself and smiled. Maybe Pit didn't quite understand what being a teenager and not a child was about yet. "Pit, aren't you a little old for that…" Zelda began, but stopped when she saw Ike and Lyn being fighter jets as well. "I rest my case."

Elsewhere in the mansion, Link was sleeping peacefully in his bed. He was still fast asleep—with his hat on—when Pit arrived, and slept through the entire game of fighter jet. But just because he was sleeping didn't mean the green hero was without his well trained senses. As the others came back inside from their games out in the lawn, Link sensed someone and leapt to his feet, drawing the Master Sword in a flash of steel.

…

I said, leapt to his feet, drawing the Master Sword in a flash of steel.

…

Link, wake up!

The green hero rolled over and muttered, "Five more minutes." There was a brief silence following that comment.

Five more minutes? I've held this off long enough! Get on your feet, lazy kid! Or else I'll… I'll… well, you're a fictional character, and I could do a lot to you. That's probably why other people find it so fun. But I gave you enough time off. Now get up; you're one of the main characters of the plot.

Sighing to himself at the plot's insistence—wasn't he supposed to live happily ever after or something—the green clad hero opened his eyes and prepared himself for what would be another story. As if the last one hadn't been crazy enough; how could you top a crazed, warlord Pikachu… Link blinked. There was something that was not as Link remembered it last night.

Samus was sleeping in Link's bed.

Don't get Link wrong; he hadn't been expecting another girl to be there. He wasn't a cheating person. But Link hadn't expected to find anyone in his bed. When he had gone to bed last night, he was pretty certain he'd been the only person in his room. And then there was the fact that they had both agreed pursuing a more physical part of their relationship could wait beyond the first two weeks. After all, they weren't the most promiscuous people in the world.

And Link wasn't going to crack just because the other guys gave him a hard time, claiming he wasn't turned on by Samus. How could he not be turned on by Samus? He didn't act like Marth.

So the possibility that they had consequently given up their agreement last time concerned Link. He muttered a prayer just in case he awoke hidden wrath and peeked under the covers. Both of them were still dressed, and he had the faint suspicions they wouldn't have dressed again for bed.

Then Link remembered. Samus had come in last night, spooked by a nightmare. Normally he would be surprised Samus even had nightmares, but this particular one had been about the death of her family. So feeling compassionate towards his girlfriend, Link had let Samus slip into bed with him. He had never been hugged so tightly before. It was surprising he had forgotten something like that.

Link smiled and flipped Samus's ponytail. Samus had the same trained senses that Link did, and felt her hair flicking her face. "Ugh, five more minutes," Samus mumbled into her pillow. "I'll let you do my hair afterwards, fairy boy." Link narrowed his eyebrows and a grin slid across his face. He snuck his hands under the bed and snatched at Samus's sides. The bounty hunter's eyes snapped open and she let out the most un-Samus like sound he'd heard.

Samus squealed. That's right; Samus had ticklish spots beneath her ribs.

"Hahahahaha Link st-hahahahaha—stop! Stop pleashahahahahaha!" Samus laughed, trying to wriggle away from Link. It had taken Link days to learn about this weak spot of Samus. Before the first Smash he wouldn't have even guessed she was ticklish. The whole 'cold-hearted galactic bounty hunter who will kill you if you remark on her features' thing got in the way. It was a bit more relaxed now.

But because this is a humor story, the door swung open as Samus swung a leg over and landed on top of Link, planting a knee in his stomach to knock the wind out of him. Of course, to the knowledgeable observer it didn't look like the winded and breathless Samus had been protecting herself. So Toon Link spoke up. "Hi Link!" he greeted happily, oblivious to what the position suggested.

Link looked over at Toon Link in utter horror, half wanting to believe he was seeing things. Toon Link had retained his habit of walking recklessly into his older brother/self's room, but this time it might have gone too far. But Samus had also just knocked the wind out of him, so instead of shouting at Toon Link to run or face his brother's wrath, he sputtered.

"Hi Samus!" Toon Link shouted to her as well. "What are you guys doing? Did you have a sleepover? Is that game that big people play—?" Faster than the speed of fear Samus and Link grabbed Toon Link, placed him outside the door, and shut it tightly. "Oh, I interrupted adult time again, didn't I? Well have fun with your sleepover! Get her with the pillow! Wait, that's right! Link! Pit came back!" With his deed done, Toon Link wandered down the hall, thinking to himself. "Why do I always interrupt adult time?"

Because the forces of humor and cruelty double team romance, Toon Link. Because they double team romance.

Link groaned and let his head sink into the dressed; he was considering using the Master Sword to end his embarrassment. Samus face palmed herself in shame. "You know, as a part of yourself, you have the worst timing in the world," Samus grunted. She donned her Varia suit and reached for the helmet. Link fitted some of his quest items to his magic pouch and prepared to leave with her. They had to go do damage control.

Then Link froze, more fear on his face. "What?" Samus asked him. Link didn't freeze often. He was a man of courage.

"He said Pit was back," Link whispered. Samus felt the color drain from her face. If word reached Pit of a sleepover, then Palutena would come. She could already see the angry goddess reaching for a spear in her mind. There was a loud smash as the two broke down the door and ran after Toon Link to stop him.

Pit was there.

The two blondes came to a halt and stared at the angel boy, afraid to send him into tears. Samus, the more intuitive of the two, realized something was different about Pit. Had he grown taller? No, he seemed older instead. "Hey Pit," Samus said shakily. "Welcome back."

"Thank you Samus," Pit replied. "Don't worry; I know all about it."

"About what?" Link asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"The birds and the bees. Palutena gave me the talk this year while I was on vacation," Pit explained. Link and Samus sweat dropped as Pit walked by, heading to get his room back in shape. They stared after him for a long time, making sure that this wasn't some trick by Wolf or another.

Link glanced over at Samus. "So it happened? Pit knows about everything?"

"…I guess," Samus mumbled, awed by the sudden change in the angel captain. "That's going to set the entire mansion in chaos. He was our filter. Remember what Wario did when he learned Pit was gone?"

Link closed his eyes and wiped the disgust away. "Please, I never want to think about what happens to bed sheet togas ever again," he muttered. The horror was still too much for him to think about. They started to walk down the hall to get some training in when an alarm sounded throughout the mansion. Everywhere, competitors and assist trophies took fighting poses as they checked for any threat that would warrant the alarm.

Then a foot raced at Link's head, followed by a familiar call. "Falcon Kill Kick! I'm black!"