New Beginnings
"I'm so pregnant!" Maraca shouted, holding her bulging belly and jumping up and down so that the voluptuous mound jiggled.
"Maybe you shouldn't have sex, you cantankerous slut-muffin!" Colton yelled.
"I hate you! You're ugly mean, stupid and covered in ridiculous amounts of blubber!" Maraca yelled, flicking up her middle finger in a single, swift motion.
"Who's the dad then, HUH?" Colton screamed, his veins popping out of his forehead.
An eerie moment of silence seemed to press in on the pair, and the whole world seemed to hold its breath in anticipation of Maraca's reply.
"It's you. I raped you in your sleep." Maraca mumbled quietly, "because I want my baby to be 50% like you." This was true, but Maraca was told by Colton's brother Sexyface to give him some action because it was ruining his reputation as a "lax bro". Colton stared at her, gawking. Feeling bile rise up in his throat, Colton turned around and retched on the carpet.
"The baby's coming!" Maraca shouted. "My water broke!" Colton took one look at Norah, and then crossed the room towards the open window. He clapped his hands together once and then dove headfirst out of the glass. Down below, you could hear the terrified screams of pedestrians witnessing the horrific sight of Colton's attemted suicide.
"Fine!" Maraca howled, foaming slightly at the mouth. "I'll give birth right here!"
24 labor-filled hours later, Maraca had given birth to a baby girl named Amy. Maraca walked all through the apartment looking for Colton. Where did he go? Maraca wandered aimlessly into the kitchen and saw a piece of paper. It was a note from Colton. She skimmed over it quickly, her throat clenched in fear of the carefully written words that lay sprawled across the ivory page, and it read:
"I prefer the D."
Maraca knew that he would be trouble, right when he walked into her life. And now her shattered soul was lying on the cold hard ground.
"Well, if that's the case...I'm going home to my best friend Angela, and I'll leave the baby here!" Maraca thought aloud. She unceremoniously dumped the digusting infant on the couch, and got on a plane to Severna Park.
Maraca never saw that loser doo-doo head punk muffin Colton ever again.
Colton had finally come to terms with both truths: that he had been raped, and he was one of the participants in Amy's conception, despite his unwillingness. He returned back to the apartment to confront Maraca, nervously wringing his hands.
"Maraca..I'm here..I-" Colton stopped, a faint whimpering interrupting his thoughts. He went into the family room, and found the baby on the couch. His baby girl. However, Maraca was nowhere to be found. How could she leave him like that? The personification of Colton's darkest demons screamed at him, taunting his inadequacy.
Colton started to sob uncontrollably, trails of tears shining on his moist face. He took the baby into his gentle embrace, and decided to have a Miss Congeniality marathon, to cheer himself up.
He had to be the only gay man ever to be upset over a woman leaving him.
Sandra Bullock's strong, sassy attitude always imbued him with the vigor he needed to get through even his worst days. He took his stash of chocolate bars and ate all of them, the milky chocolate goodness smeared all over his cheeks. Colton decided he shouldn't have to suffer alone so he called his BFFL Jim over. They lived happily ever after, indulging each other's fervent love of romance novels and films.
Amy, however, grew to be a neglected and lonely child. Often she would pretend to have an imaginary friend, whom she called the Raggedy Man. Amy went through dozens of therapists, but they could never quite solve the enigma of Amy's imaginary friend.
One day, a blue box appeared in the house.
Jim and Colton were too busy crying over Gerard Butler's tragic tale in the movie "P.S. I Love You" to notice that Amy was gone.
You'd think that someone would give a damn if a crazy man with a bowtie went around kidnapping people who inevitably died in some horrible and tragic way.
But no.
Apparantly that's not much of an issue.