Greetings, peoples! Now, I'm not promising anything with this one, but it came to me in a wildly vivid dream, so I must share. It might suck, it might be the most odiously dimwitted piece of literary drivel you've ever read…or you might pee yourself laughing. We'll see. I just had to do it. And I didn't do much grammatical editing this time. Flying by the seat of my plants…er…pants.
Enjoy! If response is good, I'd be tempted to continue. And if you guess the title you get a cookie. Go ahead, they're on sale somewhere! :-)
- Captain "There's a Zombie on your Lawn" Razz
Oh, Disclaimer stuff: I own nothing, except this exceptionally extreme excerpt formulated in extensive extenuating excitement. (Maybe extenuating doesn't fit, but who cares.)
AVPVPVZ
By Captain Razz
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The xenomorph hid in the shadows of a stone wall, watching its prey/pursuer scan the surrounding buildings thoroughly. Though a primitive creature, the lithe black alien knew full well that it was in danger, and waited for the opportune moment to secure victory. Distantly it felt the pull of a newly birthed Queen, and was anxious to avoid this adversary and commune with the new hive. But first, it needed to get past this large creature.
The Yautja paused in the shadow of a human dwelling to scan for its quarry. It should have been easy to find the Hard Meat with so few humans about, but the hunter's sensors were picking up unusual electrical emanations from the surrounding buildings, signifying either a hive or something unfamiliar and potentially dangerous. Suddenly a groan sounded through the air, followed shortly by a low scraping sound. The Yautja switched through the spectrums of his mask until he made out a dozen electrical signatures shuffling in his direction. There were not this many Kainde Amedha before. How have they found hosts so quickly? The hunter turned toward the mass just as a shriek echoed through the quiet streets. A single hard meat darted across his path pawing at its face, but that was not what caught the hunter's attention. Following the beast was a pack of what appeared to be humans, but they gave off no heat, only electrical signals similar to his prey. One of the humans had a distinct hole in its head from the Hard Meat's inner jaw, but it continued to amble along with the pack, groaning incoherently.
The hunter was thoroughly confused, and took the opportunity to follow the scene. The fleeing alien seemed disoriented, and it ran straight into the side of a building before slumping to the ground. The creature writhed and shrieked in obvious pain, and moments later its hard carapace began to crack. What madness is this? The creature's call was echoed from behind another dwelling on the quiet street, and three more xenomorphs darted into the fray. Their superior strength and agility should have been enough to decimate the humans, but each time they utilized their inner mouths, the aliens would reel back with shocked squeals and begin pawing at their faces much like the first Hard Meat.
The battle ended quickly, and the group of humans fell upon the aliens with single determination. The hunter watched as the formidable Hard Meats were torn apart by their feeble hosts, and though splashed by the acidic blood, the humans seemed to pay no mind to the danger. His astonishment grew as one human's arm fell off, but the creature simply continued to rip into the carcass at its feet. There is something very wrong here. I must report this to the Council before they send any more hunters to deal with this infestation.
The hunter slipped away between two dwellings and took refuge in a large tree. From this vantage he could see across what the humans called a 'neighborhood', and his sensors picked up even more electrical signals than he'd registered before. Either there were more hard meats than he'd anticipated, or the planet was swarmed with these strange new humans. He opened the comm. link to the clan ship and waited, his mask scanning the dwellings for any actual heat signatures. Just as his Elder appeared on the comm., the hunter spotted one lone sign in a dwelling on the next block.
"Your status, warrior?"
"Strange things are happening here, Elder, but I must contact you again. I have been spotted and must relocate."
"Contact me as soon as you can." The link went dead.
The hunter leapt from the tree to the nearest roof, and then raced from house to house until he reached the occupied dwelling. Something pricked at his senses and made him pause. The plants surrounding this dwelling were lush and full, more so than the foliage in the rest of the area. Two large trees flanked the building, one with large cone-shaped seedlings, the other heavily loaded with small round pods – What are they? A-corns…for once my useless human training has come in handy. Lining either side of the enclosure around the house were an odd assortment of plants – short prickly succulents with shining red spines, unusually large berry bushes heavy with ripe fruit, and puffy soft fungus plants whose stench filtered through his mask. Sprawled across the small lawn at the rear of the house, the hunter noticed large grey patches of what he took to be rock, but they seemed to undulate in the breeze. Across the front, the yard was criss-crossed by an impenetrable net of vines, each with bright flowers and large sharp thorns. As he took in the unusual plant life, he noticed that a bulbous plant along the edge of the dwelling seemed to have something hanging from it. He zoomed in, and was surprised to see a human arm sticking out from between the thick petals.
"What is going on here?"
Suddenly a shriek sounded from behind, and the Yautja spun around to see another Hard Meat bearing down on him. He braced his weight for the impact, but both aliens were knocked from the roof. They landed in a heap among the unusual plants, and the crash of their impact was echoed moments later by a chorus of groans. The hunter spared a glance across the yard, and saw a large pack of shambling humans heading toward them. The xenomorph hissed, caught between enemies, and after a thought decided to take its chances among the weaker humans. It rushed toward the group with its spiked tail swinging, but one human managed to grab hold of its arm. The Hard Meat turned and slammed its inner jaw into its attacker's skull, and seconds later screamed in pain.
The hunter watched as the Hard Meat fell to the crazed humans. In moments the creature was gone, and as one the horde turned to him. He took a hesitant step back to gauge his next move, only to slip in mud and fall back onto the raised platform that surrounded the house. His elbow bumped into another bulbous plant, and for a brief moment he swore that it pushed back. The humans surged forward, their groans distinctly translated now by his mask.
"Brains…"
By now the warrior was unhinged by this strange chain of events, and his reaction time was lessened as the horde approached. He fumbled to activate his plasma caster, but seconds later was once again frozen in shock.
A crackle of leaves reached him on the wind, followed immediately by a hail of a-corns and cones from the surrounding trees. Like rapid-fire projectile weapons, they shredded through the swarm of humans leaving a mess of gore across the lawn. The pack continued towards him, but when they stepped on the odd grey patches, large spikes shot up out of the ground into the humans' feet. They seemed completely unaware and continued forward, but the spikes shredded their feet and legs making it impossible for the creatures to walk. One human fell into a pile of lawn equipment, and rose again with a bucket stuck on its head. Unperturbed it continued toward the house, now protected from the rain of missiles from the trees.
The hunter was beside himself now, a lifetime of training frozen in the face of such a strange predicament. The humans shuffled closer, their groaning cries like a call to battle. Just as his fingers found the activation sequence for the caster, his view was blocked by a very healthy, very human leg. His masked face rose to meet an oddly-masked human.
"Fire in the hole. I'd get outta dodge if I were you."
The human raised its hand to show a cluster of brightly pulsing fruit, and when he switched scanning spectrums he noticed that their heat was rising rapidly. The hunter lurched to his feet and stumbled behind the human, who then threw the fruit into the large cluster of humans.
"Inside! Now!"
The hunter found himself thrown through the door as the unusual fruit exploded. He rolled over in time to see the bucket-wearing human reach for his rescuer, just as one of the bulbous plants lining the platform opened. In a flash of leaves and thorns the groaning human was gone.
What in Paya's name is going on?