There is something to be said about weakness.
When someone you know is sitting there, powerless and feeling sorry for themselves, a part of you wants to grab them, shake them up and scream: "Stop it, idiot!" ... To give them a wake up call, and to let them know that you care.
I fell in love with his vulnerability. I do not fall in love very easily.
With him, it's different. Because he is... Weak. Physically weak. I mean, if he was in a fist fight with some rowdy gang members, he would lose, and quite possibly get himself killed.
But he is weak. And I have noticed. And I take advantage because it is so easy.
No matter what Carly said to me about hurting him, I never seemed to have the willpower to stop myself.
The other day, Gibby asked me about it. "Yo, Puckett," he says, with a goofy look. "Care to spill about the Fredman?" And I stare at him like he has grown an extra head. He would love that though, because he's a Gibby.
"Mind your beeswax, moron," I reply, darkly. "If you tell anyone, your arm gets broken." It was kind of an empty threat.
"Samantha Joy Puckett," yells a voice. It is my best friend, reprimanding me for being "mean". She cares.
"What, Shay?" I whine.
"You know."
I do know.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, being in love with Freddie's vulnerability. He is an easy target. You'd think it'd get boring going after the same dude day after day. But in fact... It is like every time, is the first time. Over and over again. It us a dance we do, he and I. I take the lead.
I do not fall in love very easily. Did I tell you that already?
Yesterday, he told me to stop hurting him. I didn't listen though. Never do. If I stopped hurting him, all attraction would be lost. Besides, I was only throwing pickles at him. Spencer told me off for wasting food. Usually I like to just eat the pickles. But with the nerd there, and his vulnerability, how could I possibly resist?
I breathe in. I breathe out.
Freddie walks up to his locker, slowly opens in and rearranges some things in there. He is so organised it kills me.
"Go," hisses Carly, giving me a shove.
"Shut up," I hiss back, but find myself next to him in a split second. "Hey."
"Come to torture me?"
"I came to ask you on a date."
There is an awkward silence that settles between us, I can hear Carly whispering something to Gibby, and he gasps dramatically. I hear their footsteps disappearing as they leave me to it. I look at Freddie who is on the verge of bursting into a fit of laughter.
My heart twists.
"You're not serious, are you? You and I on an actual date?" He laughs. In my face. Loudly.
My heart has twisted so much, it starts to crack.
"We would... No... You would kill me," he says, between laughter. "Nice try, Puckett. I'm not fooled by you though."
My cracked heart shatters and the pieces scatter around the floor.
I fell in love with his vulnerability. I do not fall in love very easily.
But I do get angry very easily. It is hard to control my anger, I find it the hardest thing about life, feelings and chiz. My natural anger comes from a dark place within me, which may or may not be from the lack of attention I got as a kid. It was always my perfect, sunshiney-ass twin, Melanie. She could do no wrong. According to my mother.
My mother. Now there's a dark place to end all dark places. She drank. Heavily. She drank because her husband left her. She drank to numb the pain of loss. There was never a connection between me and my mother. I had never established a connection with anyone ...
Until Carly and I met, when my world turned inside out. I became humanised. I became less-animalistic. Until she introduced me to Freddie. But it was different. It had always been different when it came to dear Fredward.
I frowned. I didn't want to hide from myself anymore. It was pathetic. Facing my fears head on was the noble and brave thing to do.
Except he rejected my invitation for a date.
"Can I go now?" Freddie asks, slinging his back-pack over his shoulder.
"No," I whisper, staring at my shoes. There is mustard spilt on the left one. "Please, don't leave me."
There has always been a connection between he and I that has been difficult to explain, by anyone. I wanted to try though. I wanted to know what it was and why I felt so strange around him. My heart cried itself into a pity party. I hated pity.
"But I need to go to class," he whispers back.
"But I..." I stop myself before I say anything I will regret. I give him a punch on his arm.
"Owww!"
My heart flutters into being.
I fell in love with his vulnerability. I do not fall in love very easily.
Freddie cradles his arm and glares at me. I can only stare back, blankly. It is possible I will never know what pain I put him through. Then again, it is very possible that he will never know what pain he has out me through. I notice a smile creep onto his face and I feel myself smiling back.
It is one of those moments where he and I share a special moment, and everything is okay with the world.
"Sam-"
"Shush!"
"But Sam-"
"You ruined our moment!"
"SAM!"
"WHAT?"
"I love you."
The dreaded words just fall from his lips so easily, so carelessly. I cringe. But I also am in shock.
My whole life stops at that point in time. It is like the earth had stopped rotating and the universe as we know it came to a halt. I stood there like a stunned mullet while he waited for some kind of response. My heart was beating against my rib cage, my mind was spinning in circles, my feet felt glued to the floor, my body trembled, my eyes shut and my fists clenched, as well as my teeth.
"Why would you say that? Why would you go and say something so serious?"
"It's how I feel."
I open my eyes and they fill up with tears, threatening to fall at any second. Freddie reaIfches out to touch my shoulder, probably trying to comfort me, but I recoil.
"Are you trying to hurt me?" I ask, in a hurt whispered tone.
"No."
I hold my breath, grab his shoulders with both my hands and pull him closer to me. Our faces are so close that I can feel his warm breath on my face. I shut my eyes tightly, and press my lips against his. I feel him gasp and I feel his body slowly relax against mine. I slowly push him off me, and lick my lips.
"If you are lying to me Benson-"
"Why would I lie about this?" He asks, looking me straight in the eye.
A million reasons flash through my brain simultaneously, and all of them include an instance if me hurting him in some way, shape, or form. He had every right to revenge... But this? Messing around with people's hearts? Even I knew that was a boundary not worth over-stepping. I slump where I am standing and I turn away from him.
"I think you are an idiot," I say, half to him, half to myself. "I think you are too smart for your own good, I think you are pathetic for bring so wimpy all the time."
But I also love you.
I don't say that last part to him for fear of seeming vulnerable, and that is his job in this mixed up friendship/relationship thing we got going on. I am the strong one. He is the vulnerable one.
Which is why I fell in love with him in the first place.