Ok, I'm currently having a writers' block with my current story of 'Hikariness'. No, that's an understatement. Acute lack of creativity? Sounds like a mental disease…It'll do. Combined with extreme boredom, the want for comic relief, and hot chocolate, you have this fic! (Not to worry reviewers, the other story will be updated soon.)
Warning: MAJOR OOCNESS and CRUDE SLAPSTICK HUMOR. If any of the following offend you, then please don't read.
Disclaimer: Don't own.

Have you ever wondered what the Yu-Gi-Oh characters are really thinking?

These profound thoughts that will surely be made into a book for later generations to soak up its genius? Um, not exactly.
Chapter 1: Expressive Pink Diaries

10: 30 a.m.
Dear Stupid Diary that I am forced to write in,

It is I, Bakura… (Ra, doesn't that sound smart?)

The SEXIEST

Man/Spirit

Ever.

And modest, kind, caring, and not at all insane. (convenient nearby lie-detector going haywire)
Not trying to brag or anything to all those other ugly, unfortunate souls.

10:31 a.m.
Did I mention sexy?

10:35 a.m.
Okay, Okay enough with the introduction. I don't even want to write in this RaForsaken frilly PINK (O.M.G.) Diary! Can you believe it, Ryou gave me a diary! Something to do with quote 'needing to express myself'. Unquote.

"Express myself!" I walk down the street, and pedestrians give me odd looks at my outburst. They obviously can't resist my charm.

"Weirdo," muttered one lady with a curled lip, who was oblivious to my charm. She was the weirdo. Well, if she wanted it so badly…

Express this! Me: hurls the diary in question to express my feelings of anger…and knocks an old lady out. Oops.

Maybe if I just walk away, and act as if I had no clue where it came from…

5 minutes later:
Um, not good. I did NOT know that she was part of the Association of Bingo Players! ABP? PAB? Do you know that friggin' association is everywhere.

Which is why I find myself running from a bunch of old people. Humiliating, yes.

And this is what the great thief Bakura must degrade himself to? Never! I will take my stand right here!

3.5 seconds later
Stupid :(pant): FRIGGIN' :(pant): CANES :(pant)

How the hell was I supposed to know that all members of ABP take self-defense courses!

What happened to those senile, kind grandmas who used to bake cookies for you?

Grandma who I knocked out: GET HIM!
ABP member 1: (whack cane on defenseless knee)
Me: I didn't mean to! I was just err…expressing myself?

All ABP members stop what they're doing and give Bakura a you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-look. Maybe I should tell the truth…Ryou DID say that truth will set you free…

Me: Okay, okay I'll admit that that was all bull.

.00000005 milliseconds later
(ABP members hurling canes, bingo pieces, and just about anything within range)
I will kill Ryou.

10:42 a.m. (elderly in high pursuit of former tomb robber)
It has just hitme.
They have the speed of a snail, while I have the agility of a tomb robber on my side. Now all I have to do is carefully escape their hold in a dignified manner.

A pair of teeth comes flying and latches its sharp dentures into my…well-toned butt. Mortifying? Duh.
OW. RUN!
So much for dignity.
(while running from the elderly while clutching my poor fanny) Hey, at least I know I can put this all behind me. It's not as if they can track me or anything

11:00 a.m. (nursing bruised heiny in room)
I cannot believe they tracked me! Stupid Ryou actually put my name on the line where it says 'this belongs to (blank)'. Doesn't he know of the conspiracy of these book companies! Sure, they may seem all like meek, scrawny librarians but it's a lie I tell you!

Hold up my tirade.

Can't think due to noise outside window.

I peer out the window, and they're still chanting. I pick up a pillow and put it to my head. No use. Hmmm…I grab 20 layers of blankets and put them on top of me.

(muffle) BRING DOWN (muffle) PREJUDICESTO INNOCENT (muffle) BY BAKURA
Gah, I can still hear them! And it's hot under here!
"Ra, just have a heart attack or something." I mutter perhaps a little too loudly.

(A Golf cart is run through window) Heh, maybe I shouldn't speak my thoughts aloud.
(glances at deck) Too bad Ryou forbid me to send any more people to the Shadow Realm…

Wait. If I 'accidentally' dropped my deck. I pick up my deck and do so.

And I just can't let my cards fall. One of their precious corners may be irrevocably damaged. And I just can't watch that atrocity occur!

I nimbly catch the deck one-handed while I write this sentence with Ryou's damn fluffy pen that he bought me.
But by Ra, do I have awesome reflexes! I flex a muscle and look at myself admiringly. I run a hand through my thick white locks, and grin. I am so smart, handsome, sexy…and more handsome. One can never be too handsome.
Hmmm, what is my deck doing in my perfectly sculpted, strong lean hand?

I don't see why everyone says I have the attention span of a flea.

I hear the yells again. Oh, yeah. Them.
'Accidentally' toss out Luster Dragon and 'accidentally' power it with shadow magic.

I am totally innocent.

1:30 p.m. in prison
And yet why does no one believe me?

I am currently in cell 75, writing with this stupid pink pen with my only cell mate "Bubba" for company. For some reason the guards even looked at me pityingly when I got assigned to him. I wonder why…despite the scary scar combined with the eerie crop of orange hair and clownish appearance, he seemed rather friendly.

"Hey roomie," said Bubba in a slinky voice as he got out a dagger from behind. "Want a tattoo?"

Ummmm…

"Of course you do, and that's why I'm going to carve you a special one RIGHT ON YOUR FACE LIKE I WANT TO DO WITH THAT STUPID TIMMY WHO TURNED ME IN! I DIDN"T MEAN TO MISS THAT F-ING SHOT ON THAT F-ING DONKEY AND KILL HIS F-ING CAT!" He throws a second dagger and it took all of my thieving skills to not be 'tattooed'. Bubba picks up his leftovers from his appetizing meal of gruel and hurls them at me. Unfortunately, my thieving skills could not save me from the enemy that is gruel. Ewww, gruel feels nasty.

Great, now I'm stuck with a psychotic clown. Someday Disney will come and account my heartbreaking journey and I'll make millions.

I watch Bubba get that crazed look in his eyes again as continues to rant about Timmy's 7th birthday.

Hurry up Disney.

3:30 p.m.
I am free! I have escaped from Bubba, and have resolved to avoid clowns for the rest of my life. Seriously.

Ryou had to come out of school and bail me out of jail. I tried to tell him I was innocent and my dragon only scared them away, but he didn't listen. Something to do with respecting your elders.

Bah, what a stupid concept.

Ryou: (leans over and reads sentence) It is not stupid!
Me: They have an association called ABP, and one of them ran a golf cart into your home…of course they're to be respected.
Ryou: Bakura you need to learn manners! Or maybe you're just bored stuck at home so you need to blah blah blah. I tune his ranting out.

Okay back to the most important thing. Me.

1: 35 p.m.
Still handsome. (Yay!)
Ryou is still ranting. (Damn.)

1:36 p.m.
I just noticed something. I am writing in a PINK DIARY with a PINK FLUFFY-TIPPED PEN. I thinkRyou made it pink to spite me.

Does anyone but me see something wrong with this picture?

If you answer pink diary, pink, or the word fluffy associated with the word Bakura then you are correct.

Hmmmm…I can rename you into something less girly than diary.
Diario? Umm, ew.
Journal? Overdone. It needs to be original for an original soul.
Bobo? (shudders) Clowns.
Pancake? No, but yummy.
Feta cheese?
Phineas?

Oh, fine, Phineas it is. Makes me sound intellectual. Chicks dig that right? (reading question) Wow, how white can I get?
Ryou looks at me like I'm insane. He snaps out of his rant and gets to his point. "Um, Bakura about what I was saying before…I got you a newspaper."

He tosses the paper over, and has dog-eared a page labeled job listings…

This can't bea good sign.

"You are going to get a job Bakura. The sheriff and I had a talk over your freedom…(Me: uh-oh) And he agreed to let you free BUT," Ryou said seriously in a no-nonsense voice. There always had to be a 'but'.

Ryou continued with a frown as he heard my thoughts. "BUT you must show you're a respectable citizen for a month. To be 'respectable', you must get a job, and there can be no complaints from the community about your behavior."

"But-" I start to cut in. This agreement was completely unfair; it was prejudice I tell you!

"The sheriff also told me to tell you that if you do not comply to this agreement that…(he takes a dramatic pause) Bubba is waiting for you."
I visibly pale.

Any objections died in my throat. That and the fact that Ryou discovered that the Millennium Items will melt when Coke is poured over it. Damn the Coca-Cola Company.

Ryou held a can of Coke over his Ring while he attempted to lighten the mood, "You got that homie B?"

So much for trying to break out of the suburban, dorky, white stereotype.
Ah well, how hard can a job be, I innocently asked myself having no idea of the horrors that awaited.

I just nodded my head in acceptance. With Ryou giving me a look that clearly read "don't leave me hangin' brutha", I sighed, giving in as I thought how this is what rock bottom looked like…

"Word."

So do you like? Should I give it up? I know this beginning isn't original, but I think it's so funny if Bakura, Yami, or any other character kept a diary. And we got to read it.
The only point of this chapter was to introduce the characters. The plot (?)will really start next chapter…if there is one depending on how well this is received…
If I do write another chapter it will probably be with Yami, possible therapy, and he getting dragged into this mess as well…

I'm completely open to suggestions and ideas!

Also question: If you were an employee, where would you be driven insane first in, Publix or Wal-Mart?

LOL! AND R R!
-Starlet36