Close your eyes and imagine this…Er…actually, don't. ('Cause you won't be able to read this) Just think…Hogwarts. A school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, wands and spells…magic and monsters…screw that! Time for a little dose of something called 'reality'. Hogwarts is a public boarding school (I dunno if there is such a thing, but just pretend, k ... ) filled with drugs, alcohol fuelled sex binges and gun crime.
Magic? Ph! There is nothing of this 'Magic' you speak of in my knowledge! (and trust me, I know everything. Well…almost everything. There aren't many things I don't know…like…who really shot Kennedy…or…everything to do with maths…but I do know that there is no such thing as magic. Or Wands. Or Monsters…)
Hogwarts…the place is rundown…it's a shithole. But most people go there because they don't have enough money, and other stuff like they can't be arsed to get the frickin school bus/train. Or other things like…they actually want to go to a shithole with teachers as strait as a line, with exceptions for a few, but more of that later…
So, here we begin, with the famous 'Harry Potter'. Awww…poor little Harry Potter…lost his parents by the means of Voldemort, the greatest 'sorcerer' in the world. WHAT THE FUCK! Harry Potters parents were slaughtered by serial killer Voldemort. He was no sorcerer! There ye go, wittering on about magic! THERE. IS. NO. SUCH. THING.
Honestly, you people. Away with the bloody fairies. Not that there is such a creature, I mean…it just a saying, they're not like…real…
Er…so. Let me give you a run through of Hogwarts (A Non 'Magic' Skwl):
These are the lesson translations:
What JK calls 'Potions' we call 'Chemistry'
What JK calls 'Ancient Runes' we call 'Technical'
Same goes for Herbology – Biology, Transfiguration – Mathe-bloody-matics (aka Maths) 'History of Magic' (ph!) –History. So there ye have it.
There are several teachers at Hogwarts that get the piss ripped out ov them 'cause they iz not straight. Aka, GAY. Don't get me wrong, Gay ppl r well kwl (well, sum). Duz anibudy find (lk moi) that sum Gay ppl r actually sumtimes nicer than straight ppl? Aniwayz… yea, like Mr. Flitwick. He likes sum arse-action like Mr. Dumbledore – Dept. Head Teacher. But the Head Teacher, Mr. Snape,iz like, WELL kwl. And v. v. far from Gay. Mr Snape iz like one of the kwlest ppl u will eva meet. He iz inspired by Ali G. He wears more or less da same stuff but much much kwler.
He is so laid back and he is the head of the house St Snapier. (There are 3 other houses, each assigned to a teacher: St Trelawnian – Miss Trelawney, St Gonoglan – Miss McGonogall and St Rubus – Mr. Hagrid) (Mr Hagrid is the most vicious Chemistry teacher you'll ever meet. Chemistry iz in the Dungeons.
But that's nothing compared to the students.