Chapter 1: First Date
Ganon sat thinking on top of a treestump, while eating some curds and some whey, when dropped a spider on a whim, which landed just right next to him, so he squashed it as thin as a lunch tray.
It was a beautiful morning in Hyrule. The daisies were blossoming, as were the sixteen-year-olds. Link sat astride Pandemonia, the brood of the brood of the legendary steed Epona, squinting and muttering to himself. "Now where did I put that durn triforce?" he said as he scratched his head. "I knew I had it here somewhere." The years of fighting enemies and transforming into various local life forms left him deformed and decrepit (he transformed a few too many times into a goron, and he was left with a permanent hard-on, which made riding Pandemonia a rather uncomfortable affair for both mount and steed). However the one thing that remained immutable over the years was the beauty of the Hylian landscape. Every morning the sun flickered its first putrid bile yellow rays over the large crested mountaintops, the slits of light tugging at the curtains of the sky; every night the stars shone with the brightness of the faded white crust of owl scat released onto the cape of an unsuspecting villain.
Link rode Pandemonia into the sunset, as Lucca watched from her Epoch Mark III, her lastest trans-dimensional flying machine. The complete time-traveling crew of old was accompanying her - or at least parts of them were. Crono's parts were used for the power source, Frog's for the emergency fire suppresion system, Marle's for life support, Robo's for the computer system and navigational controls, and Magus's - his parts were used for the actual dimension shifting. The fuselage and wings - well, they were made out of cardboard and rubber bands, but it sufficed, as long as it never rained.
"Found it!" came a constipated shout from the horizon. Link's melon-sized head bounced across the golden disk of the sun, his whisp-like body beneath struggling under the weight of his ego as he hoisted the tri-force from the ground. Though battered and covered with peculiar brown stains, it was indeed intact, and finally, he could use it to incite the final battle. "Those durn kids, first they play on my lawn, then they steal my triforce. What is this world coming to? Back when I was a youngin', we had some respect fer our elders, that's fer sure. And we were satisfied to play in our own backyards, not galavanting all over the place. No siree, kids just ain't like what they used to -"
...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Link slumped over Pandemonia, in a deep state of sleep (R. E. M. sleep - Result of Excessive Maturity). The triforce tumbled out of his hand, back onto the dusty ground. Pandemonia, being the trustworthy steed he was, took the limp form of Link back to the location of Ganon, who sat meditating on a deku stump in preparation for the upcoming battle.
"It's over... it's finally over..." growled Ganon as he arose, took a step back, and seated himself on the ground facing the stump.
Pandemonia shook, flopping Link to the ground.
"- er, wha? What was I just doin'? Oh, right, you see those durn kids, they-"
"Enough!" bellowed Ganon. "Your cards - I command you return them to me!"
Link got up, dusted himself off, and sat down in an opposing position to Ganon. He looked over the countenance of Ganon, his eyebrow raised as Ganon held his cards close to his chest. "... So. Got any eights?" He asked, a hint of malice in his voice. In the final battle of good and evil, as princess Zelda lay inside the cage teetering over the fiery inferno of Ganon's mountain base, they had decided to play a game of skill, and with only the grimmest of smiles, Ganon lay his hand down, "Go fish." He muttered in sneer...
"Excuse me Lucca, but what purpose have we remaining here any longer?" asked the Epoch's navigation console. "Surely the companion you seek will not be found here."
"Shove a bolt in it. I'm just interested, that's all." responded Lucca.
"But mayhaps you shall find greater fancies in attending to other places?" countered the water sprinkler.
"Why are you all in such a hurry to get me out of here? You sure didn't seem to be in any rush when we visited the world with a population of 90% women, did you.
"... The egg... of... rape." answered the trans-dimension drive, in its typical, enigmatic fashion, as one wing of the Epoch bent to gesture towards an approaching shadow.
"Aha! I have won!" Ganon roared, waving his hands to show the complete lack of remaining cards. "The princess is MINE!"