A/N: Well, I'm back. Some little bugger went and squealed on me, my story
was deleted, and I've been too busy coughlazycough to put it back up
until now. So here it is.
Housework is a very dangerous thing. Its name is used to frighten children and husbands everywhere. Even in Middle Earth. All men fear it, except Legolas, who is gay.
And I, Faramir, am no exception. And, as I am married to a woman, I am not gay. I hate housework. Actually, that's not fair to say. I don't know if I hate it or not. I'm just deathly afraid of it.
I had a bad accident with a vacuum cleaner when I was six. You don't even want to know what parts it nearly sucked off. One good thing, it made it longer. But it hurt.
When I seven, I was putting away groceries with my brother. Boromir convinced me to eat a tampon. I had (and still have) no idea what is was (or is). He told me that it was candy. Mom came in as I had it in my mouth, the string hanging out. You can imagine how that went over. She told me I must never eat tampons. Eowyn says the exact same thing. I think they're candy. Parents and wives always try to hog the good stuff. Eowyn told me it had something to do with PMS (don't ask your wife this, they bitch), so maybe they're chocolate. I don't remember what they taste like; Mom had it out my mouth so fast she pulled three teeth.
When I was eight, I was mopping the floor when the mop attacked me. I was in the hospital for two weeks. Only later did I find out that Furball, our cat, was sleeping when Boromir tied him to a pole and I mistook it for a mop. Furball will sleep through anything but a flood. And being dunked in a bucket of soapy water seems to fall under that category. I still have the scars. I told Eowyn I fought a mountain lion. It was partly true.
When I was nine, I tried waxing the floor. I had hairless legs for two years. It wasn't my fault, I knocked the bucket over, and Legolas came in and saw me covered in wax. He went hysterical, crying he was so proud (he asked me out later. EW!) and told I was doing it wrong. He bought me a waxing kit. I would rather go thong shopping with Eowyn than do that again.
I would tell you what happened in my tenth and so on years but I find the horror too great. So I'll skip right to the point.
Eowyn is leaving. Two weeks. The Bahamas. And I'm not coming. I have to stay here and take care of the kids. At least I'm not alone. Arwen is going too, so at least Aragorn will be with me. Phew. That is a good thing, isn't it? Or maybe not. He can't do housework either.
This should be interesting. And scary.
Housework is a very dangerous thing. Its name is used to frighten children and husbands everywhere. Even in Middle Earth. All men fear it, except Legolas, who is gay.
And I, Faramir, am no exception. And, as I am married to a woman, I am not gay. I hate housework. Actually, that's not fair to say. I don't know if I hate it or not. I'm just deathly afraid of it.
I had a bad accident with a vacuum cleaner when I was six. You don't even want to know what parts it nearly sucked off. One good thing, it made it longer. But it hurt.
When I seven, I was putting away groceries with my brother. Boromir convinced me to eat a tampon. I had (and still have) no idea what is was (or is). He told me that it was candy. Mom came in as I had it in my mouth, the string hanging out. You can imagine how that went over. She told me I must never eat tampons. Eowyn says the exact same thing. I think they're candy. Parents and wives always try to hog the good stuff. Eowyn told me it had something to do with PMS (don't ask your wife this, they bitch), so maybe they're chocolate. I don't remember what they taste like; Mom had it out my mouth so fast she pulled three teeth.
When I was eight, I was mopping the floor when the mop attacked me. I was in the hospital for two weeks. Only later did I find out that Furball, our cat, was sleeping when Boromir tied him to a pole and I mistook it for a mop. Furball will sleep through anything but a flood. And being dunked in a bucket of soapy water seems to fall under that category. I still have the scars. I told Eowyn I fought a mountain lion. It was partly true.
When I was nine, I tried waxing the floor. I had hairless legs for two years. It wasn't my fault, I knocked the bucket over, and Legolas came in and saw me covered in wax. He went hysterical, crying he was so proud (he asked me out later. EW!) and told I was doing it wrong. He bought me a waxing kit. I would rather go thong shopping with Eowyn than do that again.
I would tell you what happened in my tenth and so on years but I find the horror too great. So I'll skip right to the point.
Eowyn is leaving. Two weeks. The Bahamas. And I'm not coming. I have to stay here and take care of the kids. At least I'm not alone. Arwen is going too, so at least Aragorn will be with me. Phew. That is a good thing, isn't it? Or maybe not. He can't do housework either.
This should be interesting. And scary.