A/N: This has been in my head for awhile. I have no idea where it came from, so sorry about that. The title is from the Lifehouse song Signs of Life, I just thought that line fit this story, and the song kind of fits the story, but its not based on the song by any means.
The snow and ice crunched under her small boot clad foot, as she walked down the sidewalk to her destination. It was a cold night and under any other circumstances she wouldn't be caught dead walking in these freezing temperatures (serious damage to her vocal chords), but tonight was different. Besides that, her car was in the shop and her fathers were out of town. She bundled up in her scarf and warm wool coat and pulled on her ugg boots, and started her trek to his house three miles away. She needed to fix what she ruined and she needed to salvage it before he left her life, because quite honestly, she didn't know what she'd do. That's exactly what she plans on telling him too.
The thought of him not being in her life scared her to death and shattered her heart. She felt the familiar burn of tears in her eyes and told herself everything would be fine, even though she hardly believed it. She successfully pushed the tears away and with even more determination walked swiftly to his house. He hadn't answered her calls and he had been ignoring her and avoiding her for the better part of a month now. She didn't understand why either. She hadn't done anything that she was aware of, well unless you count those three little words that she said. But she didn't think it was that big of deal.
Except for the fact it totally was.
He wasn't her boyfriend. In fact her boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend as of three hours ago is his best friend. They had been arguing and she told him she wanted to be with him and he said that she was delusional. They got in a fight over her boyfriend and he asked her why she would "want to give up "Saint Finn" for "Lima Loser" me," and she just blurted them out. After she said them he demanded she take them back and she didn't and refused to. It is the truth after all and if there is one thing she refuses to be it is a liar. (Except that she totally is because she stayed with her then boyfriend and never breathed a word of it to him.) Anyway, after she refused to take them back he looked as though he was going to say something to her, and he probably was, but before he could he was interrupted by Finn. He had come up behind her and kissed her on the temple and threw a friendly greeting at his friend before dragging her down the hall with him. She cast a look over her shoulder to see Noah just standing there staring after her. If she would have known that was the last time he was going to talk to her she wouldn't have let herself be dragged away.
She did try to talk to him after that though.
He just ignored her.
That is except for a text message telling her she needed to leave him alone and she shouldn't come to his house anymore and that they needed to keep their space from each other. She didn't understand why he was doing this. They had been best friends for over a year and a half and when she wasn't with Finn she was always at Noah's. It was like it was her second home; because quite frankly she was more comfortable there then she was at Finn's. They told each other everything and they spent the majority of their time together whether they were with Finn or not.
She left school early after she received it, faking a stomach ache and went home and cried until she was exhausted and fell asleep. When she woke up the next morning her head pounded, her eyes were puffy, and her throat was raw. She didn't go to school that day and was grateful it was Friday. By Friday night she was determined to talk to him and he would talk to her whether he wanted to or not. She spent the whole weekend trying to call and text him only for it to go straight to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts. It didn't help that every time she tried to leave the house to go to his her fathers found something for her to help them with. After finally helping them with everything from making cookies to cleaning out the attic and garage (In the middle of the winter? Really?) it was Sunday night and late and there was school the next morning. Her parents wouldn't let her out of the door and she was exhausted anyway. She vowed to try again on Monday and when she arrived at school she promptly went on a search for him, only to find him nowhere. He's been avoiding her ever since and she needs him to stop.
After another quarter mile she spots his house up the road. The thought of seeing him was overwhelming and she had to stop for a minute to catch her breath. Her eyes filled with tears again and this time her efforts to keep them at bay were in vain as they were soon trickling down her face. She walked the short distance quickly and soon enough was on his door step. She steeled herself against the tears and calmed down before balling her frozen fingers into a fist and knocking on the door. She had noticed that his truck was in the driveway, but his mother's car wasn't and she knew his sister had a karate class on Wednesdays so she knew it would just be him home.
The door in front of her opened and she met his eyes, "Rachel? What are you doing here? You know you can't be here." The tears were back and soon they were trickling down her face once again. This boy was always making her cry lately.
"Noah, I needed to come talk to you and-"
"Did you walk here?" He obviously noticed the frost that had formed in her hair and her red cheeks and realized her car wasn't on the street or in the driveway. "Where's Finn? Why are you here?" His tone wasn't angry however, but filled with concern and he took her hand to bring her into the house.
"He broke up with me Noah. " She said calmly, and didn't falter like would usually be expected after the end of a relationship.
"Geeze, Rach, I'm… Why?" he asked with confusion on his face and she took note that he didn't say he was sorry.
"You know why Noah." He started shaking his head, and was about to protest when she continued, "Yes you do. He said that he couldn't be in a relationship with me because I love someone else. He said that it was okay because he loves someone else too. He said we weren't working and he wanted to end things before we became more miserable. I didn't even cry. I couldn't. You know why? Relief. I am so relieved. "
"Good for you Rachel." He commented dryly. "So what are you doing here? I don't know how this involves me in anyway."
That was like a hit to the lungs and she started to cry. "It has everything to do with you Noah!" She was angry now, she was tired of him pushing her away and she wouldn't stand for it. "You are my best friend! Noah stop trying to sabotage this! You wouldn't do anything because I was Finn's girl. Well guess what Noah? I'm not anymore. I love you Noah."
"Yeah well you loved Finn too and that didn't go anywhere so I don't see how it matters babe."
"The difference is I am in love with you Noah Puckerman! Yes I love Finn, but I am in love with love with you! I know you love me too! I know you do! Stop being so mean to me. You are hurting me Noah."
It was true. She loved them both. But in totally different ways. Finn was more as a friend, and she knows that while yes, he was in fact her first love, it was strictly platonic now. The feelings she has towards Noah however, are much deeper and more powerful than she ever felt for Finn. Noah is it. She knows this. She can't even comprehend the right words to explain, no words could ever cut it.
"I didn't want you to break up him. I never asked you to! In fact as I remember it, I told you not to! I told you that we could never happen and that you . . . that you would always be Finn's girl. No matter what."
"I didn't break up with him. He broke up with me! I just told you that. I- Noah why are you doing this? I don't understand. Please. Please help me understand." By now she was sobbing and she was mad at herself for not being able to control her emotions around her. She also realized she was hitting him with her tiny fists.
"Shit baby. Don't cry okay? C'mon I'll take you home." His tone was quiet and she could hear the confliction in it.
'"I don't want to go home. I want to be here. With you. I want to be with you every single day. I want to be with you Noah. "
"Rachel please? Don't do this."
"No Noah! Don't you do this."
There was silence in between them and as she stared at Noah she realized he looked everywhere but at her. It hurt and she didn't understand why he was so against being with her.
"Noah, do you love me?"
"Rachel-"
"Do you? Don't lie to me."
"You know I do Rachel."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and brought his lips to hers in a kiss that was so sweet and gentle but at the same time conveyed every feeling she needed it to. "Then there is no reason to not be together. Be with me Noah. I love you."
She kissed him again and he could feel the wetness of her cheeks against his face. It made him angry with himself for causing the tears. Soon enough he returned the kiss and it became hungry and needy, like he was afraid that she was going to leave, and he would never be able to kiss her again. Just as she was deepening the kiss even more he tensed and pushed her away. No matter how much he loved her he couldn't be with her.
"No Rachel. Stop it. We can't. I can't okay? You are Finn's girl! You are okay? You say you aren't but you always will be."
"Stop calling me that! I am not his nor will I ever be his again. He told me he wanted me to be happy and that I should do whatever was necessary to be that way. Being with you is that. So if you need his permission I'll call him right up and ask him. I'll do it right now in fact." She said as she took her phone out of her coat pocket. Just as she was about to dial Finn's number however he snatched it away.
"No Rachel, don't call him. Look. . . I uh, I. . . I need to tell you something." The slight hesitation in his tone scared Rachel and made her stomach sick with worry. She had a feeling that whatever it was he needed to tell her wasn't going to be something she wanted to hear.
"What is it?"
"I'm. . . . Rach, I uh," he cleared his throat and continued, "I'm. . .I'm dying Rach."
Well that wasn't what she was expecting. Obviously he's joking.
"That's not funny Noah. You shouldn't say things like that. Is it really so repulsive to have me love you and you return those feelings that you have to joke about it? I mean really? What grade are we in? Kindergarten? Because I thought we were seniors in high school but I guess not. "
"Rachel-"
"Noah seriously it's not fun-'
"Rachel I'm dying!" he interrupted her with a start and then he lowered his voice "It's not a joke. It's the truth. I have a tumor and I'm dying."
The way he said it accompanied by the look on his face let her know, that this in fact, was not a joke. She really wishes it were now. She stumbles to the kitchen and sits in a chair at the table. He leans against the door frame and she sits there at the table. Silence between them. Finally she looks up to meet his gaze.
"What? I mean-How. .How long have you known?" she asks when she finally finds her voice.
"Two months."
She scoff's and rolls her eyes looking back at him she asks "When were you going to tell me?"
He looks away and she swallows the lump in her throat. He's avoiding her eyes and she doesn't like the feeling that brings to her. She already knows the answer and she hates him for it.
"I wasn't."
"You weren't. Why Noah?" She's really trying not to break down right here because she needs answers and she knows she won't get them if she starts crying. "You were just going to go on ignoring me until you died?"
"No, I was going to go on being your friend until I died. That was the plan. Until you told me you loved me and then the plan changed."
"That's what you were going to tell me in the hallway."
"Yes. I was just going to lay it out on the table. But then Finn. . ." When he trailed off she wondered who else knew.
So she asked him.
"Who else knows?"
"No one, just Ma and Beks, and now you too, I haven't told anyone else."
"You didn't even tell Finn? Is that why you wouldn't let me break up with him?"
He nodded, "You and Finn are gonna need each other Rach. Finn is going to need you, and-"
"And what?"
"I need you to be happy. That's why we can't be together."
"No. Noah there is surgeries and procedures and ways to fix this. There is chemo and radiation and. . . . Noah you are going to be just fine." She insisted.
"Rachel it's in my brain. There is nothing they can do. We didn't catch it in time."
"So all those skipped glee practices and days home from school for headaches…"
"Doctors appointments. And headaches from hell."
"How, um how long did they give you?" she asked the lump in her throat refusing to budge.
"Three months tops."
"I'm going to call daddy, he's a brain surgeon you know. He'll run tests just to double check. Make sure there really are no other options. I refuse to believe-"
"Rachel. . ." he started, shaking his head.
The look he gave her made her stomach drop.
"Daddy was the doctor . . . the doctor that diagnosed you."
By now he was sitting in a chair by her side and she was just staring off into space. Not comprehending how her daddy could keep something like this from her. As if reading her mind he said "I asked him not to tell you. I asked him to keep it a secret. I thought that-"
"You thought that by driving me away, you'd make me hate you and that it would be easier for me when you died."
"Yes."
Rachel was silent. No wonder all those times she told her fathers she was going to the Puckerman's house they kept her busy. They were keeping her away from him because he'd asked them to. "Noah, I don't even know what to say. . . I. . . Why would you do this? Why would you try and go through this on your own?"
"I'm not, I have Ma, and Beks. Shit, I have your dads. I'm not alone Rachel."
"Noah! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I love you Rachel and I don't want you to suffer because of me."
"Yeah, because you know, cutting yourself out of my life completely wasn't making me suffer? Noah you don't get it do you? I will never leave you."
"That's exactly the reason I didn't want you to know. You can't help me and you will drive yourself crazy trying to. I'm not gonna let you do that. I won't"
"Noah I'm already crazy." The corners of his lips tugged up slightly and he let out a small chuckle. "If you think that this is going to make it so I don't fall even more in love with you, it's too late for that. I will never stop. I am already past the "point-of-no-return." she stated. Complete with finger quotes.
"Nah Rach. I don't wanna do this to you."
"Noah, I'm not going anywhere. I will thank you to do the same thing." Rachel said as she stood and moved to sit on his lap. She put her arms around his neck and rested her forehead against his. "Please tell me you'll stay with me. We'll get past this Noah. We can, we will! Promise me. Promise me Noah."
At her request he turned his head and a lone tear made its way down his face. "Rachel, you know, you know I can't promise you that. I can't and so I'm not even going to." He reached up to wipe his eyes discreetly. He may be dying but he's still a badass and they don't cry.
"Look at me, I'm a mess and you're comforting me. It should be the other way around." They both gave a slight chuckle at that and Noah pressed a kiss to her lips. Rachel was overcome by emotion again and the tears streamed down her face while her body silently wracked with silent sobs."Oh Noah. . ." she whispered.
They sat like that until his legs started falling asleep and her back creaked. When Noah went to move away Rachel grabbed his hand and brought his knuckles to her lips for a light kiss. She grabbed his other hand and performed the act again. Finally she stepped closer to him and stood to her tiptoes to kiss him again. She was so gentle with him and he watched her every move. When she finally met his eyes she whispered "Noah, you have to know that it would have utterly destroyed me to find that you had cancer and didn't say anything to me. It would have killed me to know that I wasn't with you the last few months. Please let me stay. Please Noah, don't push me away. I simply can't bear it. I want to be with you for every second that I can."
When he nodded and bent his head to kiss her she legitimately felt her heart burst. Silently she took his hand and turned towards the stairs. She lead him up the stairs looking over her shoulder at him every few steps. She knew what she was doing and wouldn't take no for an answer. He didn't stop her.
Later after he had breathed out how beautiful she was against her skin and said her name like a prayer, after he was asleep and she could still feel his fingertips ghosting over her skin, while she watched him sleep with a calm expression on his face, she finally let herself cry again. She cried because she loved him, she cried because he was her best friend, she cried because he was dying. She cried because he had just accepted that he was dying, and he wasn't going to let her know. He cared so much about her that he was trying to make sure that she would be taken care and happy, even if he thought that was with someone else.
But mostly she cried because she just barely got him, and she was going to lose him soon.
For the next six months they were inseparable. Every day they knew he was lucky to be alive so every day they treated it like it was their last. They knew that he was dying but rather dwell on that they just lived, like a couple of teenagers who had just graduated high school would live.
Rachel asked Noah if he would marry her and he turned her down.
"We aren't "A Walk to Remember," Baby, we are even more epic than that shit." He'd tell her.
Every day she would ask and every day he'd say no. Until finally he agreed, but they had to elope because "S'Badass!"
Their parents were upset and believed that Rachel was being foolish because, Noah wasn't going to be around forever. She still had a future; she couldn't lose sight of that. Rachel efficiently shut them up when she told them Noah was her future, they could support her if they wished, but whether or not she had their support she was going to be by Noah's side.
Rachel Berry had been Rachel Puckerman for three months, when she got the call and her heart stopped. She made her way to the hospital as fast as she, meeting her daddy in the hallway outside Noah's room. The door was closed but through the window on it she could tell that he was asleep. She saw Ava crying by his bedside, and Bekah curled up crying on the couch on the other side of the room. Before she had a chance to go in her Daddy stopped her.
"Rachel. . . "
That's all he had to say before she was breaking down. Her Daddy held her close and comforted the best he could.
"How long Daddy?"
Her Daddy was silent for a minute before he responded with tears in his eyes, "I don't think he'll make it through the night."
"No. No. No. No. No! No! He has too. He's been doing so well, he's been healthy and active and, and, no you can't be right!"
"Oh honey, it's a miracle he made it this long. Without the treatments he didn't have much of a chance, and even then he made it this long."
"So start the treatments now! Do something! You can't just let him die. He's your son." Rachel begged her Daddy.
"Sweetie there is nothing we can do. I'm so sorry."
"You are absolutely sure?" her daddy nodded in reply and Rachel shook her head. She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve and wiped the tears away. "Alright." She leaned up and kissed her Daddy on the cheek and whispered Thank you.
Then she went to the cafeteria and bought bottled water. Gulping it down and trying to calm her tears she made her way back towards his room. When she arrived Ava and Bekah were just leaving his room.
The three embraced and softly sobbed. Finally Ava pulled away wiped her tears and took Rachel's face in her hands, wiping Rachel's tears away with her thumbs she softly spoke, "He's awake. He's asking for you." Rachel nodded and attempted to smile at her mother and sister-in –law, although she knew it was a weak attempt. "You sweet girl. Thank you, for taking care of him, and loving him. I know he didn't always make it easy and I know your fathers and I didn't help, but I am so proud of you. I love you like a daughter Rachel and expect to keep you as one. My son loves you very much, and you have made him so happy. He wouldn't have nearly this long without you. Thank you sweetheart for everything that you have done. My Noah wouldn't be here without you, I want you to know that." Ava's voice gave out at the last of her speech and tears filled her eyes again as she kissed Rachel on the forehead and pulled her into another hug, before kissing her on the cheek and ushering her towards Noah's room.
"Thank you Ava." Rachel then turned toward the door and with shaking hands turned the knob. When she walked in her ears were assaulted by the various beeps of the machines hooked up to her husband.
"Hey baby," Noah croaked out, giving Rachel a lazy smile.
"Hi." She whispered back, giving him a soft kiss she sat in the chair by his bedside and held his hand. "How are you baby?"
"M'good. Better now that you are here. I'm glad you're here Rach. " He said squeezing her hand softly.
Rachel gave him a watery smile and responded with a "Me too."
Rachel was at Brittany's baby shower in Cincinnati four hours away. Noah had insisted that he would be okay and that she stay the whole weekend and catch up with her old friend. Rachel had felt uneasy about leaving him but he just laughed and said that he would be okay. Nothing was going to happen to him and that she needed to go. Now she regretted it.
She was brought out of her thoughts by Noah tugging on her hand to pull her up into the bed with him.
Rachel told her about her visit with Brittany and how Matt wanted to name the baby Bob Marley. Brittany and Matt had surprised everyone when they told them they were getting married the day after graduation. They spent the rest of the night reminiscing and laughing, and pretty soon Rachel could feel Noah breathing evenly. To make him more comfortable she crept off the bed and reclaimed her spot next to his bed taking his hand in hers to hold. "I love you Noah."
The funeral was exhausting physically and emotionally, and she didn't know half the people offering their condolences. She wanted to be home in her bed surrounded by memories of him and the scent he left behind on the pillows and sheets.
Directly after the funeral Rachel came home and threw her keys in the bowl by the door, slipped her shoes off and went straight for their bedroom. She laid herself carefully out on her side of the bed and buried her head in her husband's pillows. She inhaled his scent and was comforted by it. She laid there for what seemed like hours before she got up, peeled off her black dress and showered. She lathered her skin up with his body wash and quickly rinsed. After she toweled herself off she threw on the t-shirt that he slept then went back to the bed curled up on his side this time and cried till she fell asleep. What was she going to do without him?
A week had passed since the funeral and she wasn't doing any better. Quinn and Santana came to check on her before they left back for Duke, and they tried to convince her to come with them. But she refused to leave.
She was angry and sad, and a whole lot of other emotions all mixed into one. She didn't want to go to school. She didn't want to do anything! She just wanted Noah, and since she couldn't have that she wanted to be left alone.
Deciding at dinner that she needed to fix her attitude because this isn't what Noah would want she decided to watch a little TV while she ate and then go for a run.
When she clicked on the TV she laughed at the movie on.
"Yes Noah, we are so much more epic than that shit."
Things were going to get better.
A/N 2: So? Reviews maybe? First attempt at angst and I'm curious as to what you think. Also YAY GLEE! Its back tonight! SO EXCITED! :)