GANGLAND…. ACRE WOODS!
One day, Piglet was walking through the 100 Acre Woods, searching for his best friend Pooh Bear.
But then Owl came along.
"Hi, Owl!" said Piglet.
"Hi, Piglet," said Owl.
"Hey, have you seen Pooh Bear?" said Piglet.
"Why no, I haven't," said Owl.
"Oh dear. It's terribly important." Said Piglet.
"Well, I am the wisest person in the forest, " said Owl. "Is it anything I can help with?"
Piglet looked worried. He began to cry.
"Oh no!" said owl. "I am sorry! Don't cry!"
Piglet stopped crying. "I'm sorry Owl," said Piglet, "but I am terribly distressed. You see… I am pregnant with Pooh's cubs."
Owl gasped. "Oh no!" said Owl. "But how?"
Piglet weeped somemore. "He ripped open my seams and spilled his honey into my virgin stuffing. I feel so dirty."
Owl thought for a moment. "Well," said Owl. "You could always ask Christopher Robin. I'm sure his parents are abortionists."
"Thanks a lot Owl!" said Piglet happily. And he went on his merry way.
'Hi, Christopher Robin!' Said Piglet.
'Hi, Piglet!' said Christopher Robin.
Piglet cried some more.
'Oh no!' said Christopher Robin, 'What is wrong, my friend Piglet?'
'Pooh Bear knocked me up!' said Piglet weepily.
'Oh no!' said Christopher Robin, 'I know! I can help you out!'
Piglet looked up with tears in his eyes, but he looked happy.
'How?' said Piglet.
'Well, my parents are the bestest abortionist in the whole of the 100 Acre Woods!' said Christopher Robin, 'and as luck would have it, yesterday was…. Bring Your Kids to Work Day!'
'Oh! Yay!' said Piglet, 'How does this work?'
'Like this!' said Christopher Robin.
Christopher Robin picked Piglet up and put him on the abortion room.
'Are you ready, my friend Piglet?' said Christopher Robin.
'Yes! Oh yes, Christopher Robin! I'm ready for you!' said Piglet.
Christopher Robin took off his rigid pastel blue blouse and in one dramatic motion tossed it upon as unsuspecting Piglet.
'Christopher Robin!' said Piglet. 'What are you doing?'
'Getting ready.' Said Christopher Robin in a pessimistic, sinisterly adult voice.
'Okay.' Said Piglet.
Christopher Robin got down on his hands and knees, his mouth opening slightly with his sluggish scarlet, plump, moist tongue protruding. He embellished his puckered, chapped lips with salty, yet slightly sweet, saliva.
'Close your eyes.' Growled Christopher Robin.
Pivoting back on his spindly pencil like legs of a small goat, Christopher Robin drew back his taut red fist and massaged it sensually against his patient's protruding ears. Then, all of a sudden…
Suddenly Christopher Robin screamed in a high pitched war cry of frustration and aggravation and he lunged at the poor pink ragdoll pig, pounding him incessantly with his angry ADHD fists of fury.
"Christopher Robin stop stop!" Piglet said.
But Christopher Robin didn't stop. Bruise upon bruise scapulated the surface of poor Piglet's furry flesh. Christopher Robin, who was wearing steel capped cleats, began to stomp all over Piglet. Piglets screamed and screamed but Christopher Robin screamed louder.
Then it all stopped.
Piglet began to gasp and cry, his salty red blood saturating Christopher Robin's mom's favourite blouse. But his sanctuary was to be short lived – in one penultimate violent motion Christopher Robin drew back his bloodied fists once again and punched Piglet long and hard. He punched him IN THE BABY.
Piglet screamed and his tooths flew out. Christopher Robin gave him some medicine.
'Did it work?' said Piglet.
'Hmm,' said Christopher Robin. 'it seems that it has not worked. But do not worry fair Piglet. My parents are abortionists and I know where they keep their tools of the trade, if you know what I mean.'
So Christopher Robin walked across to a big cast iron chest in the corner or the room, and started to unlock all the locks and chains which embellished the surface of the chest. Finally he got down to the lid and opened it cartefully. Inside were various shiny silver metal tools that looked pointy. Christopher Robin grabbed a few tools and went back over to Piglet.
'Hold still.' Said Christopher Robin.
Christopher Robin grabbed Piglet by the trotter and flipped him over onto his back. Piglet gasped. Christopher Robin took out some scissors and began to cut open Piglet's stitches. Suddenly all the stitches burst open suddenly and fluff and pus cascaded out of the gaping wound. Christopher Robin tiraded in disgust as some got on his face. After he had wiped it all off he found in the middle of Piglet a small, red and pink thing all curled up like a prawn like those babies you see on the Discovery Channel. Christopher Robin began to cry.
'Oh god!' Christopher Robin exclaimed. 'What have I done!'
'What's wrong,Christopher Robin?' asked Piglet warily.
Christopher Robin held up a mirror for Piglet to see into his gaping behind. Piglet saw the fruit of Pooh Bear's loins.
'Oh my god!' said Piglet! 'It's beautiful! I can't give this up! Please put my stitches back in so I can tell Pooh Bear.'
'Ok.' Said Christopher Robin.
So he did.
Soon Piglet was okay again. He left Christopher Robin's house in the best of moods. He was having a babby.