It's been almost six months since I've returned home from the war and things in District 12 are still dreary. Plutarch formed a cleanup crew to fix all that was destroyed in the districts and to fix up homes of the poor. Plutarch asked me if I wanted the crew to clean up my old home since I had been staying in the Victors Village, but I told him not too because I would never stay there, too many memories. I haven't spoken to my mother in about a year and I don't really care because in a way I resent her, for leaving me alone and blaming me for Gale's mistakes. I always see Haymitch, whenever Peeta isn't around; I try my best to avoid him. But every now and then I'll pass the bakery on my way to the woods and see him through the window, rolling the dough and decorating the cakes. It wasn't until today when he actually noticed me spying on him; his gaze caught mine until I broke it and ran off into the woods. A part of me misses Peeta, especially at night when I wake up shaking and sweating from the nightmares, but he needs someone in his life that deserves him. I never deserved him.
"Hey," a voice from behind me breaks me of my thoughts and I turn around and see him. "Oh hi," my voice was a bit shaky and he gave me a strange look, I had reacted like he was a complete stranger. "I don't know who you think you are just barging into my house." My voice sounds agitated, but I wasn't, I just wanted him to leave so I wouldn't feel the urge to kiss him or tell him how I feel. "I'm sorry I jus- I just wanted to come see how you were, I mean we haven't talked in a while and we live right next to each other." It sounds like he wanted to say more, but he just looked at my trying to find my gaze. My eyes fell to the ground and I fiddled with my fingers, "Yeah well, I was just doing what was best." My voice cracked again, I felt like I was going to cry because my chest hurt and it was getting harder to breathe. "Katniss?" Peeta's voice echoed my name as the room began to spin; my hand caught the table before I hit the ground and everything turned black. I saw Prim. She was playing in the garden that Peeta had planted. Her pretty little face was so radiant that a smile on my own face started to form. "Come here Katiss," Prim said with a giggle as her hand reached out for mine and of course I held it. We skipped through the Primroses and it seemed like an illusion because my house had disappeared and it was just me, the flowers, and Prim. Clouds began to hover above us, dark clouds and it began to rain blood. My eyes were caught by the sky and the blood dripped down on me. "Prim what is happe-," and before I could finish the sentence I felt no hand in mind. Prim had disappeared, all the flowers had died and the blood stopped raining down. When the dark clouds drifted away it was just me and the dead flowers, "PRIM!" I screamed, I could hear her voice calling my name, but I didn't know in which direction to turn. The ground underneath my feet began to rumble and I realized she was somewhere under the dirt. I began to dig through the dead flowers with my hands until my fingernails began to bleed. "PRIM, WHERE ARE YOU?" I continued screaming until a giant light filled my sight.
I opened my eyes and without hesitation I jumped out of bed. It took me a few moments to realize that it was just a nightmare and that I was in my own house. Finally, making myself alert, I heard voices downstairs. I heard voices that I knew too well. Peeta and Haymitch. Why were they in my house, do they not know of privacy or a doorbell? When I make it down to the kitchen Peeta is cooking something that smells wonderful, but I don't show my desire for any of his food. "What are you doing here?" I say in an angry voice, trying to show them that they are not welcome into my house whenever they please. "Calm down sweetheart, the boys just making us some food, something you've forgotten about in the past 6 months." I loosen my hard, angry expression at the thought of Haymitch's comment. Maybe he's right, I haven't been treating myself very well and oddly enough I've hardly been eating. Before the games, all I ever wanted was a meal, the old me would have hated the new me. I sit myself next to Haymitch at the table and rub my hand down my boney leg, I haven't shaved either, I think to myself. I look toward the glass fridge and see my reflection; I gasp quietly and put my hand to my mouth. I look worse than I did before the games when there was hardly any food to salvage. My eyes had dark circles under them and my hair was disgusting like I had left it in a braid for 5 years and never touched it. I looked down at my trembling hands and saw that each of my fingers were bandaged. "What's wrong with my hands?" I asked, looking up at Peeta with a blank expression. "Uh, you bit them so much that you were bleeding." I don't even respond to his answer because all I can think about is the pain in my stomach. I have never felt this hungry.
"Eat this, Katniss." Peeta slides a plate of steak in my face, which is hard to find in District 12 unless purchased from the Capitol. I ignore the plate because I'm still upset with the fact that they are in my house without asking permission. "Come on Katniss, please." He places his hand on my face and I look up, catching his eyes. "I'll cut it for you," he says as he grabs the knife and begins to slice the steak into small pieces. I don't really like when people do things for me, but my hands hurt so bad that I let him. "Thanks," I say softly. I watch his rough baker hands; cut the steak ever so gently. I miss his hands, his arms, and even his eyes that I've been trying to avoid, but when they caught mine, it was hard to look away.