Title: Knowing
Rating: PG
Summary: The Doctor and C'Rizz consider what might be. Immediately follows "Time Works".
Over the years, the Doctor had seen any number of civilizations celebrate any number of occasions. The range of emotion and the cultural festivities of a hundred thousand different worlds was always refreshing, and always new. But if there was one kind of party the Doctor preferred more than any other, it was this. The downfall of a tyrannical regime, a civilization's first taste of freedom in all of their recorded history. Generation upon generation had grown more and more complacent, more and more hopeless.
And then the Doctor came along...
He smiled as he watched Charley spinning in circles with a young boy who'd worked up the nerve to ask her to dance. He was as awkward on his feet as any untaught adolescent, and the unsteady beat of the music from a drunken band that had never really learned how to play certainly didn't help matters much. But as the sun set over the city and the bonfire in the city square was lit, the celebration showed no sign of stopping. The wine was still flowing. The people were still laughing.
"Would you like another, Doctor?"
He turned to glance at the man beside him - the king of Industry and its people - smiling and laughing as he stood from his chair and gestured to the Doctor's empty glass questioningly.
"No, it's quite alright, thank you," the Doctor answered with a smile.
"And you, C'Rizz?"
"Oh, yes, please."
The Doctor smiled as he glanced at the Eutermesan. It was nice to see him enjoying himself, as well. Although... The Doctor's smile fell gradually as he studied his friend. "C'Rizz, are you alright?" That wasn't really enjoyment written on his face.
"Hmm?" Startled, C'Rizz glanced up, hesitating a moment before he forced a smile and nodded. "Yes. Yes, of course."
It wasn't a lie - at least not an obvious one. Perhaps he'd already had a bit too much to drink. As he looked back up at the jovial dancing and kicking and twirling, his smile turned genuine.
"Look at them," he said quietly, and the Doctor looked. "They're having the time of their lives."
"Yes, quite literally," the Doctor agreed. "This is the first celebration this world has had in ages."
C'Rizz nodded, and fell silent again, watching the children twirl and the couples stumble over one another in their half-drunken attempts at dancing. He couldn't help but smile.
"It's good," he finally finished. "Even if the band does leave something to be desired."
"I'm amazed that they have a knowledge of music at all. I can't imagine their slave drivers were terribly approving of such leisurely activities."
"Well, that certainly explains the dancing."
The Doctor smiled, too, as the boy who was trying so hard to impress got tangled up in Charley's skirts and sent them both crashing to the ground. She laughed so long and so loudly that after a moment, the boy couldn't help but join in.
"Charley seems to be having a good time," the Doctor said absently.
He caught her gaze as she glanced in his direction, and they exchanged smiles. Then she pulled herself back to her feet and began her efforts of encouraging the boy to try again.
"You love her, don't you?"
The Doctor hadn't even realized his smile was lingering until C'Rizz spoke. Shifting his gaze to the man beside him, the Doctor hesitated for only a moment, until he could fill the words with the appropriate weight - the weight they deserved.
"Yes. I do."
C'Rizz watched him for a moment, studying him carefully, then gave a tight smile as he looked away. "Good."
The Doctor tipped his head curiously. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason."
The answer was simple and honest. Satisfied, the Doctor turned his gaze back to the crowd, though his attention remained at least partly on C'Rizz... and the way he was staring blankly at his empty glass, lost in thought. There was something on his mind; the Doctor was sure of it. Something bothering him. But there was no need to pry. He had a feeling the story would come out on its own if he just waited patiently enough.
"You know, sometimes I wonder," he finally started, as if on cue.
But he trailed off, never finishing. After a long pause, the Doctor turned and studied him more intently. "What's bothering you, C'Rizz? Do you want to leave?"
"No, no... That's not necessary."
"What, then?"
"I was just thinking..." He paused again, and sighed. "Collis and Vannet," he finally said. He forced another, tight smile. "They each thought - experienced - the other being dead. I suppose it brought back some memories I would've rather left well enough alone."
The Doctor nodded slowly, and lowered his eyes respectfully. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault. It's just... made me wonder, though." He hesitated again, and the Doctor glanced back up to catch his eye. "If my planet - if my entire universe - was cycling through existence over and over again, the whole world recreated from the remains of the old... does that mean the same souls are reborn, again and again?"
Now it was the Doctor's turn to hesitate. "I think that's the general idea, yes."
"Then L'da could... well, it's possible at least... She might still be alive. Or alive again, I suppose."
"It's hard to say. Even having seen it with my own eyes, I'm still not entirely sure how an entire universe can exist without time."
"But she could be. She could be living her life all over again. But this time... she'd be living it without me."
"It's possible," the Doctor answered reluctantly.
C'Rizz was quiet for a moment, deep in thought as he traced tiny designs on the tabletop. "I suppose it doesn't really matter," he finally said, barely audible over the festivities and laughter. "It's not as if I could ever go back, even if I wanted to."
"Do you?"
He paused, as if to consider it, but finally shook his head. "No. I can't. I love her - I still love her - and I miss her every minute of every day. But I could never go back. Not after all this."
"Is that really the reason?" the Doctor pressed, watching him carefully in case he went too far. "Or is it because you know the end of the story? You know how she dies and if the whole thing really does repeat itself, over and over again..."
C'Rizz swallowed noticeably, but didn't answer. His silence was answer enough. With a sad sigh, the Doctor looked away. Where was that drink, anyway? C'Rizz was starting to look like he needed it.
"You know, the Time Lords have strict laws against knowing your own future," the Doctor said quietly. "One of the few laws they have that I support wholeheartedly. Because it's not just for the sake of supremacy and control that they keep the future safely locked away..." He waited for C'Rizz to glance over at him, waited until their gazes were locked before he finished with a small, sympathetic smile. "It's mercy."
C'Rizz swallowed again, and looked away, taking a deep breath and rolling his shoulders back as he leaned forward on the table. "Does it ever get easier?" he asked, staring out at no one in particular. "Do you ever forget... how much you loved someone?"
The Doctor's eyes drifted to Charley, then down at the table and he empty glass in front of him. If they kept this up, he was going to need another drink when it was all said and done.
"You never forget," he finally answered. "But it does get easier."
C'Rizz didn't answer. Understanding without speaking, the two of them settled into comfortable silence, watching the party that swirled around them. And the Doctor watched Charley frolic and dance, swallowing the lump that had formed in his own throat.