Dixons don't love. The closest that a Dixon got to loving someone was sleeping with them and even Daryl had never done that.
But there's something about Carol that he can't help but find intriguing and irritating at the same time.
She's not what one would call "beautiful" but to him, she is exactly that. He tends to avoid her eyes because he knows that as soon as he stares into them, he'll be trapped inside her gaze for far longer than is comfortable for him.
The jasper stone he carries is burning a hole in his pocket and his fingers frequently brush against it as if to reassure himself that it's still there.
He told Michonne that he had only taken it because a woman wanted it for her husband's grave, but he had lied. The truth was, he had wanted it for her. To show Carol that everything would be okay, despite her concerns.
As they get closer to the prison, he sits up in his seat once the towers get closer and closer into view. The stone is once again in his grasp and his hold gets tighter and tighter until his bruised fingers start to ache and he's forced to let it go.
Carl is there to open the gate for them and the first thing that runs across his thoughts is that she's not there waiting for him. He assumes that she's inside the cell block, either sleeping or taking care of Lizzie and Mika in Cell Block A. Either way, he'll find her.
He, Michonne, and Bob unload the truck while Tyreese goes to check on Sasha. Their task takes at least twenty minutes and yet, Carol makes no appearance.
Eventually, he decides that she's sleeping and heads up to bed himself, though he does stop by her cell on the way to his own. He pushes the white curtain that she had picked for herself aside and looks in, seeking her out. Apart from the objects that she had decorated her cell with, it is empty, completely void of her presence. He frowns, an uneasiness swirling in his gut, but shrugs it off. She's in Cell Block A with Lizzie then. That has to be it. He moves on into his own cell and rests on his bed, shortly drifting off to sleep.
And if all the flowers faded away
And if all the storm clouds decided to stay
Then you would find me
Each hour the same
Cause she is tomorrow and I am today
He's always been an early riser, but today is different. The sun is barely out when he wakes, but he figures that's enough to track her down. He tugs on his boots and sets out on his task of locating her. The first place he goes to is her cell to see if she returned, but the cell remains untouched. She hasn't returned. The uneasiness is getting harder and harder to ignore but he keeps searching. The second place he searches is outside in their makeshift kitchen, but still nothing.
He checks Cell Block A next and is slightly alarmed to find the glass window broken, glass shattered all around. He knows what occurred, but he still wasn't prepared to see the damage that had already been done. He avoids calling her name out so he doesn't wake up the others, despite how much he wants to. He moves on to the laundry room and yet, still nothing.
His heart is clenching in his chest and he doesn't know what to do. If anyone would know where she is, it would be Rick, but he can't find him anywhere. He decides to go outside and start piling the cadavers onto the truck, just to get his mind off of it. Michonne, also an early riser, helps him and the two work in relative silence for at least an hour until Hershel greets them.
"How 'bout Carol? She up in A block with Lizzie?" He can't stop the words leaving his lips as soon as the old man joins them and the quick flash of sorrow across Hershel's face doesn't escape his notice.
"No. Go talk to Rick about it. She's okay, just talk to him," Hershel replies before he walks off to talk to Michonne and it's a huge load off his shoulders to know that she's alive. Still, the fact that Hershel wouldn't tell him upfront about it doesn't ease his worries. He immediately goes off to find Rick, but can't find the former cop anywhere.
It's only after his second search of the prison that he finally sees Rick and Carl approaching him from the garden. Rick casts a stony expression over his features and mutters a quick word to Carl. The boy nods and departs shortly after. Rick stops in front of him and it doesn't escape Daryl's notice that his fingers are resting on the gun holster either.
"Where's Carol?" He asks outright, searching Rick's face for any answer that could be given. A sigh escapes the former sheriff and it pisses him off that Rick is refusing to answer him.
"Rick, where's Carol?" He snaps, not happy that he has to ask again. Rick chews on the inside of his cheek before he finally gives him an answer.
"She killed Karen and David."
Cause if right is leaving
I'd rather be wrong
Cause she is the sunlight
The sun has gone
"What?" Is the first word that bubbles out of his mouth and he can't help the intense hatred that he suddenly feels for Rick. How dare he lie to him. They were closer than that. They always had been. So why did Rick suddenly feel the need to lie?
"She confessed. She wanted to end the virus and protect the group. I can't have her around Judith and Carl. I banished her and she's not welcome back," he tells him and the intense hatred he feels is escalating, his palms clenching into fists as he resists the urge to beat the shit out of Rick.
"You banished her? What gives you the right to make that decision?" Daryl argues and for just a moment, he can see a flash of apprehension across Rick's face, almost as if he were sure that Daryl would agree with him and now isn't sure exactly how to move forward.
"They're my children, Daryl. I won't have her around them. And I know this group. They won't want her around. I did this for the group," he clarifies and Daryl's eyes narrow into slits.
"You haven't been the leader for 6 months, Rick. We can make our own decisions. You aren't part of the council. That was not your call. You're lucky that I'm not beating the shit out of you," he hissed, keeping his feet firmly planted on the ground so as to avoid hurling himself at Rick.
Rick doesn't say anything, the silence between them is suffocating and filled with tension and neither of them are making a move to end it, but Daryl does move forward until he is sided beside Rick. "You let Merle in and he has done much worse shit. What the fuck gives you the right to banish someone you've known for years without getting her side of the story?" He murmurs and brushes passed him, their shoulders bumping against one another as Daryl goes.
Rick doesn't say anything or make a move to stop him and Daryl wouldn't give a shit if he had. Rick was a hypocrite and he's lucky that Daryl made an actual attempt to keep himself grounded.
And if loving her is heartache for me
And if holding her means that I have to bleed
Then I am the martyr
Love is to blame
Cause she is the healing and I am the pain
Daryl moves inside cell block D and up the stairs. His cell is next to hers but he can't help the emptiness swirling inside of him at her absence. The jasper stone is heavy in his pocket, weighted down by his grief. She's gone and thanks to Rick, he might never see her again. He sits down on his cot and digs through his pocket, picking up the small stone.
He brings the object to his eyes and analyzes it. It was supposed to bring him peace. It wasn't supposed to bring him grief and sadness. His grip on it tightens, the sharp edges scratching his palms and it's enough to make blood run down his palm. He watches the liquid with morbid fascination, but doesn't make a move to stop. His hand aches but he's too angry to care. Only when he realizes how upset she would be does he lessen his grip. Only when he realizes he was thinking about her does he throw the object at the wall, watching as it makes impact and falls to the floor.
She would have been there for him and held his hand. She would've wrapped his wound in a bandage and given him that small smile that he had become so familiar with over these past few years. He knows her. She knows him. That's how they had always been.
But how could she have killed them? She had never wanted to kill anyone and he knew that. But, he also knew she would do anything for the group. For their family. So in a way, it makes sense and he can't fault her. Not for doing what every single one of them has done.
She lives in a daydream
Where I don't belong
She is the sunlight
And the sun has gone
It's been a day since he was informed and he can already feel the difference. The prison, while filled with people, seems empty without her. He avoids Rick on numerous occasions, even though the sheriff tries to talk to him several times. He hates him and he can't help but feel that way.
He wants to go out and find her and bring her back with him, but he wouldn't know where to start. He knows that Rick won't tell him, the asshole doesn't want her back here anyway and he's not gonna rely on him for anything. Not anymore.
Mika is outside, staring at the walkers that surround the prison fences, a small frown on her lips. She is one of Carol's adopted daughters and he needs to know how she's feeling. He stops in front of her and she lifts her gaze up to him.
"Is Carol dead?" She asks and it surprises him that she speaks first. It surprises him even more that she asks that.
He doesn't know what to say so instead, he stays silent and waits for her to say something else.
"I know she didn't want us. But I didn't want her to abandon us either," she adds and the rage he feels towards Rick increases tenfold.
"She didn't abandon you. She'll be back. I know it," he says. A small smile appears on her lips at the comfort he provides and she nods. "I'm going to go check on Lizzie. Let me know as soon as Carol's back," she says and runs off and he watches her go.
And it will take this life of regret
For my heart to learn to forget
Tomorrow will be as it always has been
And I will fall to her again
For I know I have come too close
Lizzie and Mika have both been abandoned and he doesn't want them to feel that way. But he also knows that he has other priorities. He's part of the council. He has people to look out for. The group needs him.
But he needs her.
He doesn't like how empty the prison feels without her. He doesn't like how dark and gray this world feels without her light to penetrate through it.
He doesn't like himself without her to help him, guide him, and show him just what a great man he is. He doesn't like how lonely he feels without her being beside him.
He wants her back and he wants tomorrow to feel as it did before he left. He wants to hear her call him stupid nicknames and he wants to hear her flirtatious remarks again and he wants to tell her how he feels, no matter if she returns his feelings or not.
Cause if right is leaving
I'd rather be wrong
Cause she is the sunlight
And the sun has gone
He's been in an angry mood ever since he learned of her banishment and it surprises him that no one has called him on it.
At least until now.
Michonne is the one who seeks him out. She finds him digging graves and helps him in relative silence, at least, for a little bit.
"When I left Woodbury, I left Andrea behind. She wanted to stay and I wanted to go. We went our separate ways, but I was always angry at her," Michonne begins and he stills his movements. He knows how tender of a subject this is for her and doesn't interrupt.
"She wanted to protect Woodbury. That was all she wanted. She wanted to protect the people and make sure that everyone survived. She failed, but she still tried. I regret never bringing her back with me, even if I had to force her stubborn ass to come with me. Maybe she would still be alive," she murmurs and lifts her gaze to look at him.
"I heard about what Carol did. She had good intentions, even if she failed. I don't want her to die, Daryl. I don't want you to feel like I did. Bring her back, okay? Just so I can stop seeing that sad look in your eyes. It's pissing me off," she mutters and tosses the shovel aside. She turns on her heel and walks away, leaving the thoughts mulling in his head.
She's right.
He doesn't want her to die and he knows that people can't survive on their own anymore. He wants to be there for Carol.
He wants to bring her back with him.
Cause she is the sunlight
And the sun has gone
Daryl sets up his bike and climbs onto it, his feet hitting the kickstand as he prepares his journey.
"Where are you going?" A familiar voice makes his blood run cold and he turns to find Rick standing there scrutinizing him. He knows that Rick knows and he honestly doesn't care. He keeps his focus on his bike and stays silent.
"She's not welcome back here, Daryl. If you go off to find her, you aren't welcome back here," he threatens and Daryl stills. He then relaxes because he knows that and he honestly doesn't care.
"Fine. Just tell me which way you went on that run of yours," he speaks finally and by the silence that answers him, he knows he caught Rick by surprise.
"... About thirty miles east of here," is all Rick says in response. Daryl nods in appreciation and understanding.
The bike roars to life and Daryl drives out of the prison, Carl opening the gate for him.
He drives passed many walkers desperate to get to him, his mind focused on only one thing.
He found her once and he will find her again. He will not fail her. Once he manages to do so, he will tell her how he feels.
Dixons don't love but he thinks that maybe, he's an exception to that rule.