"Huh, well hello there, fans of LoZ! My 'name' is Foxpilot. Some of you know me as a reviewer for your humor stories. Well, I'm starting one of my own here. Titled…well, you know the title…anyway it's all about torturing and/or killing everyone's favorite fish-girl, Ruto. This was heavily inspired by the 'Kill Ilia' fics of my friend LxZrulez and some other people. The goal is twenty-five, but I will continue if I can think up more. Now to give off the disclaimer, I have brought our good friend Link in. Come on out!"

Link steps out on stage. "Hyaa! Sherah! Hra! Oouwaaaah!" Foxpilot half-closes his eyes in irritation.

"Right, Link doesn't speak." Link shoots the host/author a glare, which is met and disregarded. "Basically, if I owned LoZ, Link wouldn't have had to 'propose' to Ruto in order to get the Zora's Saphire. Let it…Begin!"

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'What a lovely day,' thought the Zora princess as she swam around the lake that was her home-turf. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, the air was pure, the water was glistening, and there was a dust cloud forming on the horizon past the large house that was home to the mad scientist. It would only be better if he was here…

Wait…there wasn't usually a dust cloud near the lake shore! And dust clouds don't usually increase in size unless they head towards you, right? Ruto stared in curiosity as the cloud became larger. Eventually, it became clear that a fast-moving object was the cause of the dust cloud; a figure on a four-legged creature. Could it be that he had finally come to make good on his marriage promise? Oh, happy day!

Ruto swam as fast as she could to reach shore so she could embrace her dearest (if reluctant) lover. But as the horse drew to a stop, it became clear that the rider wasn't her Link. It was some girl, maybe a little younger than her, dressed in some sort of foreign farm-girl outfit. Her hair was done up in two curls that reached out to either side, and her face was contorted with rage. Strapped to her back was a large stick.

The horse skidded to a stop, sending the strange young woman flipping over its head. Somehow, the girl managed to land unsteadily on her feet. Recovering her composure, the girl pulled the branch from its spot on her back and pointed it at Ruto. When she spoke, her voice was full of malice. "You! You scaly, fishy…fish! How dare you try to take Link away from me!" Ruto was confused. Was this supposed to be Princess Zelda of the Hylians? If so, she looked rather homely and stupid. "What did you call me?!" Oops, Ruto had said those things out loud, hadn't she?

"Who do you think you are? Linkykins is mine! Who do you think you are to claim him?!"

"I am Ilia, Link's friend from Ordon since forever and the only one deserving of him! You, you fishy little beast, have NO RIGHT to try and take my fuzzy little love away from me!"

Ruto was surprised, to say the least. A random girl claiming to be Link's friend comes out here and calls him "fuzzy." Something occurred to Ruto's tiny fish brain in that instant. "Are we talking about the same guy here? Link's not 'fuzzy' and Ordon doesn't exist."

"All Links are mine! One day I will marry all of them and we will have lots of normal, Hylian kids and we will be happy and you will die now!" With that, the strange Ilia charged at Ruto, stick raised in an preparation for an overhead slash.

Ruto dodged to the side, but didn't manage to move her left foot in time due to her clumsiness on land. The stick was pointed at the end, and said point ripped a large gash in the fleshy membrane of her appendage. As blood tricked onto the grass beneath her, Ruto became angry. "Oh, now you die, bitch! You attack the Princess Zora, insult her with words, and try to claim my Link as your own. I'll have you know that THIS IS ZORA'S DOMAIN!!" With that long-winded battle cry, Ruto picked up an available rock and, ignoring her foot, dashed at the crazed farm girl. This rock was about the size of Ilia's head; perfect for bashing brains in.

Ilia dodged the swipe that Ruto pulled with her rock and retaliated with a horizontal slice. Once again, Ruto's clumsiness on land proved troublesome as the sharp branch created a lon, jagged gash on the outside of her arm. As Ruto screamed in pain, Ilia took the bloody point to her lips and licked it. "Mmmm…fish blood…" Ruto realized that she was dealing with someone infinitely more dangerous than any Octorok. This was an insane girl in her element; insane one-on-one land combat. Wait, that's it!

Ruto chucked the stone at Ilia, who tried to guard with the stick in her hand. The limb snapped, filling Ilia's skin with splinters. The branch had also failed to stop the rock, which concussed Ilia upside the head. Dazed, Ilia rushed at the fish-woman with her half-stick. Ruto allowed herself to be forced into an ungraceful retreat, gaining a large number of jagged slashes across her front. Eventually, the Zora managed to reach the waterfront and retreat into the depths. The liquid around her turned red as her blood stained the once-pristine surface. Ruto started to feel lightheaded from the loss of blood. Fortunately, her opponent waded deeper into the lake, ready to use her half-stick as a harpoon.

This was her final mistake. As Ilia prepared to step once more, Ruto pulled her standing leg out from under her. Ilia plunged back-first into the cloudy water, where Ruto grabbed her by the face and held her down. Unaccustomed to fighting underwater, Ilia could only flail blindly as air escaped her lungs. Ruto's years of training and experience in aquatic substances soon proved better, though, as finally, Ilia breathed in, filling her body with bloody water. Coughs and splutters forced the last of her air out of her lungs while simultaneously bringing filling them with fluid. Eventually, Ilia stopped struggling and lay still, limbs floating up. Ruto held her there for another minute before letting her go.

Swimming back to shore and crawling up onto the beach, Ruto panted for breath. Gazing down at her once-beautiful (if slimy) body, she saw that her figure would now be covered in numerous scars from the many hits she took. A whinny brought her attention up. Standing above her was the horse that Ilia had arrived on. The creature gave a snort, possibly of disdain or haughtiness, before bringing a powerful hoof down on the weakened fish-lady right between the eyes.

In Hyrule castle, Link felt a great weight lift from his shoulders. His bright smile caught the attention of Princess Zelda. "What's that look for, Link?" Link explained in his own special way that he had the feeling that a previous engagement would no longer trouble him and that the relationship with the Zoras would now go more smoothly.

Many decades, possibly centuries later, a younger Link grinned stupidly as well. When asked by that time's Princess Zelda what he was grinning about, he explained that he was glad that Zelda had sent Ilia and Epona back in time to combat the former Zora royalty. As if on cue, Epona appeared, without a rider, through the temporal portal, one front hoof covered in gore. Zelda and Link grinned evilly and began laughing maniacally. Mission accomplished.

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"Well, that's chapter one of my sixth story. So TP Link and Zelda sent Ilia back in time to kill Ruto, expecting the fish-princess to win. What they didn't count on, and may never know, is that the faithful Epona finished Ilia's job, therefore ending the mighty reign of terror of two major fangirls. At least for this chapter.

"I don't normally ask this, but I will anyway. R&R, alright? I want to know what you think. Other than 'this has been done already.' I know that, but I've never seen one with Ruto, so it's different, alright? Good. Ciao chow!"