Author's Note: It has been far too long, and if I had the words to apologize properly, I would gladly do so. Alas, such phrases do not yet exist. Nevertheless, I am sorry.

In the process of getting a new netbook to take to work, to make it easier to update, I managed to get my own files so badly jacked up that I didn't realize I'd essentially fucked up the entire posting of Ages of Anticipation. I have had to go back and read over the complete Ages series from the beginning to see where I screwed everything up. I have now managed to figure out exactly what I did, and as such I can fix it and move on. This story is scrabbling at my brain, and it's been killing me to not be able to write any more of it down or post it, but I didn't want to run the risk of confusing an already involved tale with timeline shifts that didn't exist and rewrites of entire sections I'd already posted. I know some of you have been heartily confused by the transition from Conflict to Anticipation, and I'm glad I've finally been able to get it straightened. As such, I deleted the previous posting of Anticipation and am starting from scratch. Bear with me while I get things back up and running again! :-D

After a spectacular dinner and a few glasses of some sweet-tart fruit juice that Carlisle explained had some from a small orchard somewhere near Panama, he'd offered her a choice in their evening entertainment. While games and movies were tempting, as was the draw of him reading her a story - a concept she'd never considered, yet immediately liked and filed away for future reference - she shyly suggested an idea of her own. He acquiesced with more than a bit of surprise and questions of her certainty, yet after a few minutes they were on their way out the back door and into the woods.

"Why this?" he questioned, honestly curious. She took a moment to gather her words.

"I just...well, I hope to be one of you someday. For a long time now Edward has been trying to convince me that I don't know how dangerous you all are. He's eased off now that he's surrendered his need to keep me mortal, but I just...I want to see for myself. I need to see the other side of the people I love the most. And I know you're the only one that wouldn't deliberately downplay or exaggerate your actions in an attempt to either soothe or scare me. You trust me to know my own mind more than any of the others do."

"I will admit to a deep-seated need to protect you, Bella love. But I have no doubt you do not need coddling. If you are certain, then I have no problems. You will, however, tell me if anything makes you uncomfortable in any way?"

"Of course. I promise."

And so it was that she came to be sitting on a log in the middle of the forest by herself. He'd made sure she was comfortable, kissing her gently.

"Still sure?"

"Yep."

"Okay. Stay here and be very quiet. When you see an animal charge into the clearing, don't jump or make any noise. I can assure you I am in no danger of being distracted by you, but I cannot say the same for anything else out here. And I would hate to cause you pain." Kissing her once more he disappeared into the darkness. She followed his instructions, remaining very still, and huddled in his jacket she was warm and content. Patience came easily despite her rampant curiosity.

Suddenly there was movement off to her right. Bella held her breath in anticipation, staying perfectly still as a large, harried-looking buck tore past the log she was on. Before she had a chance to blink she caught a flash of movement. In the space between one heartbeat and the next, the enormous animal was down and she was watching in absolute fascination as Carlisle fastened himself to the herbivore's throat. She supposed she should feel repulsed, disgusted, but all she knew was that he looked absolutely magnificent. There was nothing but silence from the elder predator and the buck had ceased its struggling as the mouth against its neck slowly pulled the very life from it. She found herself amazed at the caring in Carlisle's posture, the way he gently cradled the huge head as he fed, his other hand softly stroking the animal's flank. Even in feeding he was considerate, and it was breathtaking.

It seemed to take forever; it seemed as quick as a blink. Bella knew she would never forget this image. Savage and beautiful - for the first time ever she felt like she could see the meaning to...everything. There could be no life without death, no beauty without harshness. But death, in itself, gave purpose to life; even the harshest truths could still be beautiful. It baffled her that Edward could be part of this primal circle and feel nothing but despair. Maybe it would be different when she was an active participant in this world, but for now...she felt humbled. She felt blessed. And she had to admit to herself as she watched the deer succumb to mortality in the sure grasp of the vampire before her, as she watched him slide gracefully to his feet, as he turned his shining eyes to hers, his tongue slipping out to lick his lips - she felt completely, utterly aroused. It was nearly overwhelming in its potency, undeniable in its urgency. Her very soul was desperately aware of her life, her existence, and she felt her heart pounding like a jackhammer with the intense urge to prove that she was a part of it all.

With a snarl she didn't recognize as her own she dove for Carlisle, her hands dragging through his hair as she fused her mouth to his. He seemed taken aback by her sudden possession of his body but it took less than a second for him to match her ardor, the insane need between them driving all other thoughts away, leaving behind only the unquenchable desire to mate, to complete the cycle she'd just seen in all of its splendor. He met her passion for passion, and it didn't matter how many times they'd been together that day, that they were in the middle of the forest in the dead of night. She demanded - he gave - she took - he insisted. Her back would bear marks, likely even scars, and she never flinched. Later, when she was Bella Swan again, she would wonder what one earth had driven her to initiate such a fierce, animalistic coupling in a forest not ten feet from the carcass of the deer whose blood she could still taste on her lover's tongue. But at the moment the world was her and Carlisle and life and death and ecstasy and pain and nothing else mattered. And the expression on his face - surprise, wonder, utter delight - as he dipped into her mind to share her thoughts was enough to send her careening into a climax so painfully wonderful she knew she could never explain it. Her voice screaming his name, her hot flesh spasming around his invading lust, flung him out into space to join her and for a brief, shining moment their eyes met and they understood.

In silence they lay there, still joined, her gasping breaths matching his unneeded but just as ragged ones. Bella was completely undone by what had just transpired. And when she looked up into his shock-widened eyes, she saw the same awe in their depths that shimmered in her own spirit. A part of her, the human part, was slowly beginning to resurface and suddenly she was blushing and ducking her head. His fingers touched her cheek.

"Don't."

That one word meant so many things. She could feel them in his mind as it was still tightly bound to her own.

~Don't hide. Don't withdraw. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't leave me. Please.~

The shakiness of his thoughts mirrored her own and since she didn't trust her voice she responded silently.

~I never...I mean...that was...~

~Indescribable.~

~Yes, exactly! I don't know what happened. It was just so...and you...and then it...and we...~ Even her thoughts were disjointed.

~Bella, love?~

~Mmm?~

~Thank you.~ The words, though simple, reverberated with gratitude and awe.

~For what?~ She was puzzled.

~For completely accepting who - what - we are.~

~Carlisle, I should be thanking you. For entrusting me with something so powerful.~

~You are magnificent, Isabella.~

~Funny, I was going to say the same thing about you.~ His smiling eyes were looking into hers and she smiled in return. Suddenly a blast of chilled air brushed over her and she shivered.

~Let's go home, love.~ Suiting actions to words, he slowly pulled himself from her embrace and helped her back into what clothing she had left that wasn't destroyed in their haste. In the end, she was wrapped in not much more than his warm jacket and he cradled her against his bare chest as they returned to the house.

She felt so much better after the conversation she'd had with Angela the day before. Laying in bed that night, she'd debated heading to the playground, but she noticed with some shock that she didn't feel a need to sort out her thoughts. Just hearing her choices out loud as she'd talked seemed to firm her own decisions in her mind. As she lay there on her bed, she began to talk to no one in particular, her voice soft and low.

"I may not have had much of a choice in any of this, but still...I could have handled things differently. I could have gone to someone. I could have spoken up. But I didn't. And to just...throw away the consequences of my lack of backbone because it's not convenient...I can't do it. No, I'll take care of you. I may not have wanted kids, and yeah, it'll be difficult, but I can't handle the thought of anyone else being hurt because of that bastard." She realized with shock that she was beginning to talk to the small life within her, and while she felt a bit foolish, it was also soothing in a way she'd never expected. Rolling onto her side and curling up slightly, one arm resting on her hip while her hand gently stroked over her own stomach, she let her eyes drift shut and just let the words come.

"I'd always imagined it differently. Graduate, go to college, meet someone nice who loved me for me. Job and husband, a family later. If I'm totally honest, regardless of how long I've had feelings for your father, I honestly could never picture him in my life as a partner on a permanent basis. This has just proved to me what a mistake that would have been. So plans will change for me. So what? Plans usually don't last very long anyway - something always happens you have to adjust for. I'll do my best to be as good a mother to you as mine has been to me. Maybe when you're older we'll sit down and we'll talk about all of this, about choices and consequences. But I want you to know that I love you. You're barely there and I love you already." She smiled, stretching out on her back again and placed both hands on her still-flat tummy.

"I promise, whatever happens, I won't do anything to hurt you. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure no one else harms you as well. You deserve the best life I can give you, and I promise to make that happen. Somehow." A feeling of peace and tranquility washed over her, and Jess knew that it was also mingled with relief at her own choices. Basking in the first feelings of true contentment she'd had in months, she lay there for a while before slipping out of bed and heading downstairs to make herself breakfast. After food, she'd decide on the rest of her day. Her father would be picking up some overtime hours today, and her mother wouldn't be back until this evening. A day by herself would have bothered her even yesterday, but today...everything felt new, somehow. And despite her still present fears, her worry and her apprehension, she felt pretty damn good about herself. It was a decent way to start the day.