I'm wondering where this idea come from… it's certainly not my kind of writing. For some reason though, I can't get it out of my head. I know right off the bat some of you are wondering about how I can make Grace vulnerable of all people. Relax, I have a theory. For this story, we're operating under the assumption that the tough-girl exterior Grace has is truly a cover up for a serious loss in her life, and that Parker is just one of those people that can get through and see the whole Grace Augustine. Sounds familiar L Anyway, this is before Jake and Norm appear on Pandora. The beginning (fluffy sweetness my romantic heart loves) is before Parker's seeming obsession with unobtainium (and I believe there was a time he wasn't insane with the need for it) and the progression of the violence and domestic abuse occurs from there. As it is about domestic abuse, violence, emotional destroying of self esteem and self worth, I have rated the story M. Don't read this if you know it's going to hurt. I don't own Avatar, but I do own my little secret part of Grace that is just like me. Oh, and I have tried to be accurate. I have never been in an abusive relationship with a man, but if I was, it would go something like this. The men are not completely horrible all the time, that's what keeps the women around. The women are not always co-dependent and subservient, that's actually a dangerous accusation. So I won't be portraying it all this way. And for another strange reason, all my flashbacks will be in 3rd person. Because the stupid lines I use never show up, it gets confusing to be able to tell where they begin and end. And I would have trouble using first person the whole fic, mainly because I'm an idiot. I'm not too concerned with whether the dates match up, mainly because I never noticed any dates in the movie. If it bothers you that much and you want to do the math and have me change it, my inbox is open. Okay, you have to be getting sick of me. Here's my latest brain child. Constructive criticism/ long reviews are golden and I will stop over to your own Avatar stories =D
The way Parker and I had fallen in love was almost sickeningly cliché, I decided. Seriously, why would a handsome young man with money and power choose an older, researched obsessed chain smoking loon like me. I guess I'll never know. Since we began dating about two weeks ago, Parker has had nothing but compliments and presents for me, and began soon after we started a sexual relationship. I wasn't one for foreplay and cuddling, and I couldn't stand the idea of pillow talk and staying overnight. Too many terrible situations had occurred to mar my view of true love. I was getting closer to 50, it was time for me to realize that I had never done well in love and never would. I don't know if it was the rush of new love, or that we were constantly together, but for some reason I thought everything was going to be okay. I thought I had truly changed my perspective.
It all started in February of 2137, our first year on Pandora. I was the enthusiastic head biologist, ready to catalogue samples and hopefully establish Pandorian literature, as there was none. I had brought with me Dr. Max Patel, the only one I have ever trusted, and the closest thing to a best friend I could ever have. He was the only man who hadn't hurt me physically or emotionally. It wasn't as if I wasn't smart enough to realize that I was a battered woman. I could see the signs, identify them in myself. I just would not admit to myself I could see this. Parker, at this time, was junior Head of Operations under Richard Harper, who I had gone to undergrad with at Penn State. Within the first week of us arriving, we crossed paths quite frequently. His winning smile and infallible charm made me swoon endlessly over him, and it was disgusting. I was NOT that kind of girl, what the hell was in the air up here. This wasn't me, and I was losing myself the more I stayed in his orbit. At least, the self I had created to shield my real person from everyone in my life.
I say stayed in his orbit, not as a dumb planet pun but because we were never in the same circles. It would have looked strange, a biologist and business major hanging out together. What did we have in common? Apparently endless attraction. I couldn't stop watching him from across the room. I actually started to feel like a creep, lingering around a corner just to catch his eye and smile. He must have realized I was trying to attract his attention, because he started to call me to his office to "check progress." I know that he was just angling to spend time with me. It was probably because Harper had shot himself soon after Parker's arrival, leaving him in charge and alone. Would it surprise you if I said he didn't ask me once about the science? He would welcome me at his door, make a loud announcement that he was glad to see me, and wanted to converse regarding the Avatar project. Nothing new had occurred for weeks, and he still put his arm around me and led me into his office. There we would sit next to each other on his couch, talking and truly making a connection. He seemed interested in me and the work I was conducting. Even though I knew he wasn't, it pleased me he paid the effort. He extended the same effort to me in terms of my beauty.
It was nonstop compliments, all the time. I would now be introduced as "the beautiful Dr. Grace Augustine." He complimented my eyes, my hair, my body, my heart, my dedication, my general beauty at least once a day, and my personality quirks that fascinated him. It was intoxicating, to finish a day's work early because I wanted to see him, to head to his office under the official summons of his secretary, and spend hours with Parker in the dead of the night. It was like sleep was unnecessary, because when I closed my eyes, I saw him.
I remembered the day perfectly. Parker was being as sweet as he could be, offering me a seat on his couch by the fireplace while he finished his paperwork. I pretended to be focusing on my book, but he knew I was watching him. Waiting for a chance to "distract" him. And then that damn letter pushed through his mail slot. It was from Earth, postmarked 2131. The world's economy was collapsing (by the time we received the letter, it was too far gone to prevent a major collapse) and we had no choice but to mine more unobtainium. The quota was being increased to 20 million tons per week, which even I found extremely excessive. Things must have been bad back there.
In the days following the letter's arrival, everything was fine. I was foolish enough to believe the amount of pressure given to Parker was not affecting him adversely. Soon, his compliments began to slow. No longer was I the beautiful, perfect woman he had once practically idolized. While he hadn't actually insulted me, or said anything detrimental to me, the compliments and special attention were cut off. I should have recognized the first sign, but I was too busy concerning myself with my new book about Na'vi culture. I assumed he was just stressed, and I was willing to cut back on time spent with him.
The meeting in late 2137 was the first time Parker had ever begun to look even marginally abusive. I was, at the time, in shock and unable to blame him. I thought it was the stress, the pressure, and decision-making that was making life rough for him and I was willing to take the fall. One characteristic of an abused woman: She makes excuses for the man she loves. I should have known.
I walked into his office with my usual ease, not expecting what happened next. Parker whirled around in his chair, got in my face, and asked me if I was cheating on him. I almost choked laughing.
"Of course not baby, who would I even want if I have you?" I said after the hysterics calmed down. Parker was not amused.
"Grace, you're spending more and more time away from me, and I don't hear from you for hours. I have a right to wonder what's going on."
The seriousness in his tone made me think, was he actually thinking I was cheating? I admit, I got a little angry. Abused women aren't always quiet and introverted.
"With who? Quaritch? Get your fucking head on straight, Parker. I don't want anyone but you. My research is keeping me busy. We're all under pressure on Pandora, we have to save our home planet. Don't let it fuck with your head." I had actually raised my voice to him. Needless to say, this would be one of the last times this happened. He grabbed my wrist, and at first I thought it was only a gesture of the importance of the truth in my little speech. I soon realized it was a power play, because he was gripping my arms now, hard enough to leave bruises.
"Parker, get your fucking hands off me. Stop it, you're hurting me." My head was spinning. Why was he being so rough with me?
He looked at me and blinked. I saw the warmth come back to his eyes." Oh. Oh my god. Gracie, I'm so sorry-" I was too confused to stay with him. I needed to get away to think about it.
Message after message from Parker's secretary were coming in, and I was ignoring them all. I was too shaken up. It had been a while since I was abused, but I recognized the actions in both Parker and myself. We were becoming my ex-husband and I from Earth, except on Pandora. There was too much at stake to read into it at the time. I was stuck here, 4 years away from Earth, and if it were anyone else abusing me I would report it to Parker. He's the central administrator of the entire Pandorian operation. Who would I tell, Quaritch?
That was an idea I would stow away for later, if this happened again. I had learned from my experiences on Earth, and I knew I needed some kind of system to protect me in case things went too bad, too fast. I approached Max, and asked to have a few moments in private with him. He stood up and lead me to an empty room across the lab.
He looked concerned." Grace, what's the matter? You look pretty upset." I looked at him with tears in my eyes, unable to conceal my feelings in front of the one man who had never betrayed me.
"Parker hurt me. As in, left bruises on me." I showed him the developing bruises on my wrists. "It's the first time this happened, it could have been an accident, he said he was sorry-" Max angrily cut me off.
"No man should ever touch you like that. That's wrong. There's no excuse for his actions. I don't know who to go to with it, but don't keep yourself around him anymore."
Turns out that was harder than I realized. I loved Parker, I wanted Parker, and eventually I went back. I walked into his office cautiously about 2 days after the incident. It was around 9 at night and no one else was around. Probably a bad idea in hindsight, but I was losing my mind. I had to see him. As expected, he practically fell out of his chair when he saw me.
"Grace! I thought you were never coming back, I was so afraid, I can't believe-"
For some terrible reason, I looked at him and saw the sadness and sorrow in his eyes, and the way they lit up when he saw me, and how apologetic he seemed, and I let it go.
That was another one of my mistakes.