"Ja - "
Leah was just about to utter her son's name when her voice was so forcefully pushed to oblivion, disappearing before her tongue could mould it into words. She had only intended to ensure Jason's safety at the playground but found herself transfixed not so much by the approaching figure that had her son in careful tow, but by the lucid familiarity of that very figure. Jason was not hurt after all, much to her relief - the same smile that had dominated his chubby face he now wore for her, the exact same smile replicated by the man who had ushered him into her arms.
" - cob."
His startling, unforeseen presence rooted her in place. What was Jacob Black doing at her local suburban park, three thousand miles away from La Push, looking so alive and so real? She had last laid eyes on him five years ago, on that cold february night, when they made endless love by the sea...
So one could not blame Leah Clearwater - no, Leah Marsden - for swaying on the spot when her bewildered eyes met the fiery depths of his stare.
Only one shrill voice broke her spell.
"Mummy! Mummy!"
She could feel her toddler tugging away at the hem of her skirt, diverting her full attention. She gave in to his request, kneeling down to shift her focus on Jason's little face, while the little one made sure he trapped hers between his palms and frowned imperiously into her eyes, rearing and ready to report. "Mummy, I met your friend."
"Are you all right, honey? Mummy heard you scream."
"Naw, naw, naw!" the young boy giggled, flailing his arms. "Mister Jacob threw me in the air and I flew really really high! Like an air-ow-plane!"
Leah threw the culprit a glare.
"Didn't I tell you not to talk to strangers, Jason?" she reprimanded, her voice stern.
"But mummy, uncle Seth said Mister Jacob is your friend. He's your friend, right, mummy? Uncle Seth didn't lie, 'cause daddy said lying is bad."
"Your uncle Seth is here?"
"Mummy!" Jason insisted, not bothering to answer his mother's question. He disliked being interrupted and was clearly displeased about her lack of appreciation. "Can I fly really high up again?"
Leah caught Jacob's eyes, and felt a rush of memories. The gaze he stared back with was suddenly so powerful, erupting within her flashbacks of the yesteryears. The vivid memory of his warm, palpitating body pushing against hers danced through her mind, as did his searing kisses, the power of his hands, every sway of his hips. She fought to shatter this past, but the memories crept back, claiming more of her with every return.
She felt her face suddenly being tugged and pulled, so that her eyes shifted back to Jason, who had wanted her attention again. "Can Mister Jacob throw me up in the air again, mummy?"
"No," she replied firmly. "Mister Jacob should not throw you in the air because that's very dangerous. And he won't do it again," she added, referring mainly to the perpetrator.
"But I didn't get hurt!"
"You might get hurt, sweetie. You don't want to get hurt, do you?"
His little eyebrows creased as he eyed the fading scar that was once a graze on his knee. "No."
"That's my boy. Now why don't you run along and play with your friends? Mummy and Mister Jacob need to have a grown-up talk."
"Can I play on the slides?"
"Just don't drop on your knee, okay, sweetie? You be careful."
Jason nodded and scuttled swiftly behind Leah's back to hop back to the play area, only stopping mid-way to wave his forgotten goodbye at Jacob. His wishful whispers of "I hope mummy lets me fly high up again" and "goodbye, Mister Jacob" was audible to his sensitive ears, and an unfamiliar warmth radiated from his chest at the toddler's words.
There was a few seconds of awkward silence before his words broke through the tension. Slowly, he found his voice. "Leah," Jacob breathed, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular. "Hello."
"Jacob," she acknowledged, shifting her gaze to his face. He seemed not to have aged at all, although he had accumulated a wrinkle or two. He appeared exactly as she recalled, every plane of his face identical to the one in her memories.
"He's very adorable."
It made her smile. "He can be slightly imperious, even demanding at times, but who isn't at his age? He's a little spoiled, I must admit."
"You baby him too much."
"Slightly. He's the one thing I never thought I could have, so of course I do."
When she smiled, it was like the old times, only so much more different.
"I did not know you have a son, Leah."
His voice reverberated within her chest so strongly she had to gasp. The power of his words - the curiosity, the accusation, his unyielding demand for answer - was enough to pull her back into the past, a time when this awkward space between them would have easily vanished into nothingness.
And then there was the image of their bodies sprawled naked under the moonlight, mouths hot against each other, hands exploring downwards, their hips moving rhythmically over the damp grass...
An involuntary response, surely. She shook her head. "You were not around to know."
"You could have - "
"You did not have to know," she reiterated.
"I have the right - "
"No, you do not. You left me in La Push, Jake, alone. No letter, no phonecalls, no explanations. Don't you start intruding into the life I have rebuilt for myself and demand a right to know my business because you have no right!"
The words stung him. Jacob could feel the fury boil within him more fiercely with each succeeding word, for her tone was that of a painful, ignorant accusation. The recollections of his sacrifice claimed his mind. It killed him to leave her. He wanted her to understand. And yet...
"What exactly are you doing here, Jacob? I don't give a damn if Seth thought you should come see me - "
"Mummy?"
Leah held on to the words, and bit her lips.
The little one had intruded yet again, at that precise second when a vein that Leah had only noticed now started protruding from Jacob's temple. The latter calmly composed himself, relieving the quivering to naught, and watched as Jason eyed Leah curiously.
"Mummy?" the toddler glowered. "Are you angry?"
Smiling, Leah scooped him into her arms, softly patting his back. As she did, Jason's head automatically fell into the curve of her neck and nuzzled there. Jacob used to do that, before. "No, baby, of course not."
"But I heard mummy shout. Mummy never shouts."
"I'm fine, sweetie. Mummy's fine."
While Leah soothed her son, patting him gently and whispering reassurances, Jacob listened in.
If he had so much as expected Leah to change, he would have still been surprised. Physically, Leah looked the same as the one he had once so painfully left. Her frame was only slightly feminine now - the curve of her hips and neck were more pronounced, her hair longer, now slightly past her elbows, and her demeanour less aggressive. Her body had, clearly, not been under the strain of phasing.
But there were changes so pressing he could never have prepared for them even if he tried. There was a new sparkle in her eyes that was so heart shattering for him to see. To know it fade before and know someone else had lit it up. There was the shift in her smile that now never bordered on sarcastic. Every time Jason neared her, it was not her bitter smile she displayed for him - it was a loving, genuine, motherly smile. Hadn't he foreseen this smile once, in his dreams? And her son...
Leah had changed.
He had not thought any further, for Jason's tantrums was already boiling in a series of demands made before his eyes. Little Jason had resorted to pouting to indicate his impatience, huffing and puffing whenever his mother said no.
"When can I listen to grown up talk, mummy?"
"When you're older - "
"When is older?"
"You'll know - "
"Can it be now? I won't tell, I promise."
Leah sighed, and plopped him down. With a quick glance at her watch, she ushered the scowling toddler a few steps towards the playground. "Next time. Go run along now, sweetie."
"But mummy - "
"Jason, daddy's coming soon."
Daddy. The word was more painful than Jacob had initially anticipated. It hit him square in the chest with the force of a freight train, and hurled him towards that place of lingering absence, insecurity, and above all, shattering pain. He slouched a little.
"Promise?" Jason was a little stubborn.
"Promise. Now go."
Jacob watched the impish young boy hasten away, and waited for Leah to speak.
"Why are you here, Jacob?" she then whispered, when Jason had run far enough not to hear.
"Do they know?" he whispered back. "Everyone?"
"Of course they know. In fact," Leah pivoted to him and sneered, as if avengeful. "I brought him to La Push last Christmas." In the hope of seeing you.
Jacob hissed. "No one said a word."
"Who can blame them? You yourself never said a word about your leave."
"How was I to explain when I couldn't even find you? I searched high and low for you, Leah. There was no day or night that I had not exhausted to find you. No second that I had not thought of you - "
Leah faltered, albeit slightly. Her hands shook too, which she hid discretely behind her back. "Apparently not on the day you left me."
" - No passing night that I had not dreamt of you."
"No! I don't want to know that any more! I have had enough. I sent Billy and Rachel, even Rebecca, an invitation apiece for my wedding day, Jacob, hoping one would at least reach you. I sent Bella another, in case you were still in touch with the leech. For God's sake, I sent the whole of La Push invitations in case anyone could reach you. Three minutes before I had to walk down the aisle it was you I was looking out the window for. Pitiful, but I loved you."
Leah raised her hand, her wedding ring visible around her finger. If only Jacob had searched, he could have seen the unconscious betrayal of remembrance, regret and wishful thinking behind her eyes. "That was then."
Jacob had to squeeze the voice from his throat. "Leah, there was no minute that I had not worried if you were safe or happy."
"Well, I'm safe and happy. I have a wonderful husband, a precious son, a beautiful home and a good life. You found me now. What else do you want?"
He wanted to curb the pain, but there was a compulsion that had nothing to do with phasing, but with wanting to curl into a ball and weep for his failures. "Leah - "
"Mummmmmyyy!" rang Jason's excited shrieks. "Daddy's here!"
Jacob froze, bracing himself as Leah's lips curved into a welcoming smile. He took a slight glance at her, revelling at her beauty, only to be reminded that she was not his any more. Her beauty was now reserved for someone else, someone who was certainly headed their way with Jason snuggled in his arms.
"Ethan!" Leah greeted, melting into his arms and tilting her head as his hand raised her chin. He kissed her thrice, once on her forehead, once on the tip of her nose, and once on her lips. The kiss lingered, and Jason, who had a clear view, clapped his hands over his eyes.
The pain was brief but abysmal, as he watched Leah being drawn into another man's arms.
That man was almost as tall as Jacob, but was built slightly less muscular. His brown hair was ruffled, slightly longer than his; his eyes were an odd mix of deep blue and crystal green, and both, he too noticed, were fixated on Leah. He had a protective demeanour, but not as commanding or as domineering as his. And when his eyes turned to him, Jacob felt a pull of competitiveness that refused to fade away even if he reminded himself that the man in question was Leah's husband.
He had loved her first, and not even her husband could take that away from him.
Ethan, however, must not have felt any of his hostility, for he gave Jacob a friendly smile whilst addressing Leah. "You might want to introduce us, dear."
Leah nodded and so began gesturing to Jacob, but was interrupted once again as Jason squealed and took it upon himself to do the introduction. He asked to be set down and pointed at Jacob. "This is Mister Jacob, daddy. He's mummy's friend."
Then he turned to Jacob and pointed at Ethan. "This is my daddy, Mister Jacob. His name is Ethan Mawlsden."
"Marsden," Ethan lightly corrected, extending his hand to Jacob's.
He took it, and under Jason's watch, Jacob felt the necessity of ensuring that he was not cracking any of Ethan's fingers. Pleased, Jason giggled and reached over his head to touch his hands on their connected ones.
Leah gave a hearty laugh, scooped a wriggling Jason into her arms and gave his face fervent kisses.
It was this instance, however, that seemed to have pushed the strangest thought into Jacob's reeling mind. Simultaneously, all the once inconsequential details flooded his consciousness, assuming his most vital thought. There were suddenly so many things to consider at once.
It stunned him; suddenly, it felt as if the ground was disappearing under his feet.
It was Jason's skin. His was russet-gold, like his skin and Leah's, not Ethan's sand-coloured one. His hair was ebony black, an exact replica of his hair, not the brown of Leah's husband. His nose was his mother's, but the shape of his face was more identical to his than it could ever be to Ethan's. Eyelashes, definitely Leah's. The shape of his eyebrows, his. And that smile...
Surely it could not be...could it?
"Mister Jacob, Mister Jacob! Are you okay?"
Jason begun pulilng at his trousers upon noticing the lapse in attention he had displayed. Levelling his face to the toddler's, he carefully lowered one hand to ruffle his hair and another to rest upon his shoulders. Seeing the possibility of a son in him - no less than Leah's own - lit the same intense warmth he had earlier felt.
"Are you okay, Mister Jacob?" Jason repeated, uncertain.
"Sure, sure. I'm all well, little Jason."
"I am not little!"
His upset little face was mildly amusing. Jacob raised his hands in surrender before lowering them back in place. "Oops, all right, big boy. But if you're really a big boy then you should call me Jacob instead of Mister Jacob."
Jason raised his head to Ethan, who nodded his approval. The young boy mimicked the nod and smiled, reminding Jacob of a photo his dad took of him when he was seven. They had identical smiles.
It seemed foolish to let Jason free from his embrace and into Ethan's, particularly after what to him was so obvious. Jacob exchanged a few more brief greetings with him, most of which designed to keep the most important part of his past secret. Ethan's informed knowledge about werewolves surprised him, but nothing as consequential could distract him now.
"Shall we go play ball, Jason?" Ethan wooed, taking the toddler by the hand.
He shook his head. "Mist - Jacob took me flying today, daddy! He threw me up up in the air! Can we do that? Can I fly high up in the air? Please, daddy?"
"Your mum - "
Before Ethan could seek Leah's consent however, Jason had already pulled him away, and had led him to the playground to begin throwing him in the air and making him fly.
Jacob laughed briefly, and then his laugh faded.
He could not vouch for Ethan's personality but he could certainly vouch for his. And as far as he understood, even Jason's bouncy, sheepish traits - not to mention the imperiousness and temparament - was more Jacob than it was Ethan. So whether Leah liked it or not, he was going to ask.
"Is he mine?"
Leah's eyes widened, her movements halted by the sudden dread she felt at his words. Her reply was readily handed, mechanised, automatic. "No."
"Don't you even dare lie to me, Leah Clearwater!"
"Leah Marsden," she corrected spitefully. "Don't be too full of yourself, Black. Jason is Ethan's, not yours."
"How old is he?"
"Four."
"He could have easily been conceived when - "
"He's our honeymoon baby," she snapped. Her tone made it clear that the conversation was over. Couldn't he understand? "He's Ethan's and mine."
The frustration was there in his words. If Leah hid his son from him all these time... "Look at him, Leah! And look at me!"
"Listen carefully, Jacob," she responded, closing her eyes. "He's my son. And as my son, sharing identical traits with the rest of the pack is the price he has to pay. If you think he's your son merely because he looks a little like you do then look again. He has Seth in him. Embry. Quil. Heck, even Sam. He looks like you only because it is inherent in our genes, and in his, to do so. But that doesn't make him your son."
Jacob stood transfixed. It was crushing a blow; like every glimmer of hope extinguished, every light replaced by immeasurable darkness. He wanted to hold on to any remaining thread of hope or of light, despite the dawning impossibility. "But Sam's - "
"Sam has a daughter. She's not supposed to share our traits. Don't you remember? I have never really fitted in well with the pack, have I, Jacob?"
"In my pack, you did."
She turned away and packed the clattered robots Jason had left. "I don't want to talk about it. You ought to leave now, Jacob. We're heading home soon."
If she was so happy, so settled, why would she refuse to converse with him? If she loved Ethan, as she said she did, why would she not look Jacob in the eye? Why would she push him away? Why would she perpetually insist he left?
He sought her to find answers - travelled miles to understand. Now that he did, it was hardly the case. He walked over and joined Leah by the misted window, looking over her shoulder. When she unthinkingly staggered backwards, Jacob encircled his arms around her, and for an instant she melted into his warmth.
Feeling the heat of his body aroused the dormant passion within her. She remembered those stolen moments in the forest when he kissed her and kissed and kissed her. She recalled the feel his breath hot against her neck, his velvety tongue against her own, the taste of him, the feel of him...
Jacob's breath lingered about on her neck. "Have you spared a thought for me at all, Leah?"
"Yes," she wheezed truthfully.
"How often?"
"Every night."
It was worth a thousand and one heartaches, her words. It was worth all the waiting, all the hurt, every single second, just to hear her say it.
"Do you still love me? No - not even that. Do you love him?"
"I love him enough."
It was only because she had turned her back to weeping that Leah kept her facade well. Jacob failed to see this and moved away, leaving her yearning for his forbidden warmth.
The bitter smile he gave her was once hers, and the heartache that pounded on her chest when he turned away was once his.
"Goodbye, Leah," he whispered, smiling regretfully. His eyes were sorrowful, and had she seen hers, she would have said the same.
It was like letting go and holding back.
He strode towards the lush canopy nearby, without any more said or done, intent on ridding himself of the pain that now overwhelmed him. He would have wanted to say his farewell to young little Jason, who he had grown fond of in a span of seconds, and whose presence had given him enough warmth to smile.
"Mister Jacob!"
A shrill voice suddenly erupted from the playground, and much to Leah's surprise, her son had broken away from Ethan's hand when the little boy spotted Jacob leaving, and had flung himself unto him. She ran towards them, concerned that Jason might hurt himself. But she had barely reached them when she stopped, watching her son cling tightly unto Jacob's neck.
It was a picture she once thought could elate her emotions, one that now fulfilled, only seemed to deepen her sadness. She slowed her step, buying Jacob some time to calm Jason down, who had already begun weeping. When she did finally approach them, the depth she found in their expressions frightened her.
"Good-bye," Jason sniffed, as Jacob handed him to his mother. Leah had meant only to express her gratitude, but his stare was much too tantalizing and penetrating in her eyes. His blinkless gaze did not falter even as he made a swift turn and left.
And then little Jason turned to Leah, his deep dark eyes the exact replica of those tantalizing eyes - of the man who had just left - Jacob Black.
A/N: I suppose I really wanted to portray Leah as a mother - to give her what she would never really have, at a price. I'd appreciate a review :)