Every man, woman, and child in The United Kingdom liked Christmas a lot…
But Lucius Malfoy, who lived just north of London, did NOT!
Lucius Malfoy hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his upbringing had left him unsympathetic to another's plight. It could be that, perhaps, that his designer stiletto boots were on too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart, unlike his hair, was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, he cared not whether it left his more compassionate acquaintances befuddled, he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating those Muggles, glaring out of the window in his study with a frown that looked as if it alone could end a life at the inviting Christmas tree set up in front of his garden, no doubt by his wife. The only other person who could perturbed by this merry sight, in fact, would be another Seuss creation, The Lifted Lorax.
He simply didn't understand why so many Witches and Wizards bothered, surely they had all been failed by their mothers and fathers. His own father, Abraxas, would certainly be at a loss, to see his beloved mansion covered in Christmas decorations would leave him more than cross. Lucius wished he could put a stop to the whole cursed thing, but alas, it was one of the things he had given up when he had put on that wedding ring.
For Narcissa Malfoy loved Christmas, she found the whole holiday quite pleasing, even when she reached adulthood she never truly stopped believing. In Lucius eyes, it truly was a shame, but by then Narcissa was still a child, she couldn't be blamed, THAT honor went to her sister, she-who-must-not-be-named. For peculiar reasons that could not be explained, unlike her Greek counterpart, Andromeda's dangerous ideas could not be chained.
However, contrary to popular belief, Lucius didn't actually dislike Andromeda despite her flaws, in earthier terms there was no beef. That distinct dishonor belonged to Bellatrix, if either of them had it their way they would have taken one another out by now but but no way, no how. For you see, Narcissa held them both to an Unbreakable Vow. He could be content to play a prank but he was sure that would fail. Besides, what could he do? She was in jail. There were plenty more snide remarks Lucius could throw the eldest Black Sister's way, but his feelings on his sisters-in-law were a story for another day.
Besides, women named after constellations was the last thing on his mind at the moment, Lucius' mind was taken up with his silent anger at this less-than-invisible opponent. For he knew every person with or without an ounce of magic within them was outside Malfoy Manor's walls, hanging up bright lights and colored balls.
"And they're hanging up their stockings!" he snarled with his trademark sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Pure-Blood fingers drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew all the British, Scottish, Irish, and Welsh girls and boys would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! THE NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then all those saps, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would feast on figgy pudding and bouillabaisse and green eggs and ham and sit around the fire and read excerpts from the holiday edition of Fantastic Beasts! Which was something Lucius couldn't stand in the least! He did not like green eggs and ham even in the cold of winter, no he didn't, Mr. Scam-I-Amander.
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Witch, Wizard, Muggle, House-Elf, Goblin, Mermaid, Banshee, Leprechaun, Ghost, Vampire, Werewolf, Squib and child in The United Kingdom would bunch together in a cheery pile. And then all these people, the tall and the small, would stand together, with christmas bells ringing. They'd stand heart-to-heart, hand-in-hand. And they would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
Oh, how Muggle music would force Lucius' teeth to grind thanks to those pop hits being played on rewind. Thanks to the efforts of two men who once called themself a Beatle, songs such as "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon and "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney proved to be insipid treacle! "Christmas Alphabet" by The McGuire Sisters gave Lucius' ears blisters! At least he took some comfort that a great deal of people, even those he found somewhat cloying, found the sung version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" deeply, DEEPLY annoying.
But what truly infuriated Lucius was seeing his OWN KIND engage in performing such frivolous rubbish! These idiots truly needed to be promptly slapped with a cold fish. The Weird Sisters may be beloved performers, but in Lucius' book, releasing the track "Magic Works" alone made them a bunch of jerks. But this year alone caused Lucius a great deal of stress and pain, Celestina Warbeck's recently released Christmas album hit gold around the world, selling fifteen million alone Spain.
WERE PEOPLE INSANE!?
And the more Lucius thought of Muggles and Wizards putting aside their differences to stop and sing, the more Lucius thought;
"I must stop this whole thing! Why, for twenty-eight years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop Christmas from coming!"
"...But HOW?"
He turned from the window to observe a most unpleasant sight, his two year-old son sleeping peacefully in his crib beside the window, wearing merry red-and-green tights. No son of his should have to be forced to endure the same injustice Lucius had all these years, be plagued with the same fears!
Nineteen Eighty-One had been one of the worst years of Lucius' life by far, and Nineteen Eighty-Two had done little to raise the bar. With The Dark Lord deceased and nothing Bellatrix could do in the least, it was now Lucius who presided over The Death Eaters; his responsibilities (not to mention blood pressure) had increased. At first he was terrified, then glad, and then oh, oh so sad. Neither Crabbe nor Goyle nor Avery nor Nott nor MacNair would get out of his hair, it just wasn't fair!
The more stubborn saw his takeover as a joke, they wanted a bird of prey and instead got the yolk! Thanks to Lucius' leadership those loyal to him had been kept out of Azkaban, he expected at least a few fans! But their loyalty was begrudging and fleeting, he knew as much thanks to employing Legilimency at the meetings. They had lost the war and lost badly, there little they could do, sadly.
So Lucius rubbed his forehead, wishing that morning he hadn't even exited the bed. All he could do to maintain his sanity these days was undermine Dumbledore, that hypocritical bore. These days, he chose to use his position on the board of governors to reevaluate what each book within the Hogwarts library was for. But he wasn't entirely unreasonable, he made sure to read a copy of every book before he passed his judgment, it was only thesible.
Today's kindling was more easily flammable tripe, books about the joys of the holiday and being kind to one's fellow man and the like. But among these syrupy novels and picture books was something that made Lucius take a second look. For the thing that truly made Lucius' opinion shift was ironically, that which is associated most with Christmas, a gift. He picked it up, and examined this particular story in all its glory.
"Doctor…... "Soose?" How obtuse. "How The Grinch Stole Christmas," eh? Well, Draco, I very much doubt this Muggle book will make me feel gay."
But for the first time in a while, Lucius was surprised, he been absolutely wrong by several thousand miles! Instead of a sneer it was soon replaced with a genuine smile. The plot familiar, the illustrations iconic, the protagonist was relatable, for the first time in a long while he truly enjoyed a fable. It was a veritable godsend after a year of going round the bend.
"Why, what fun!" Lucius thought as he held the finished novel to his chest, feeling as warm and toasty as the sun. "If only this Grinch fellow was around when I was a boy, to throw the whole Christmas season a foy!"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
LUCIUS MALFOY HAD A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
A/N: Be sure to review, instead of gifts, send these to me in lieu!