Wade Wilson, better known to the world at large as Deadpool, sat in a bathtub in the backyard of the new house he'd bought in a quiet little suburb outside the city. An empty bathtub sat in the yard next to the one he occupied.
"Excuse me, Mr. Wilson . . ."
"I knew I should have put up a fence," Wade said to himself. He turned his neck just enough to get a good view of the mousey woman trespassing into his backyard. She was small – like a mouse – and a little twitchy – like a mouse – and her voice was quiet – like a mouse. Wade wished he'd put up some mousetraps in addition to a fence. One could never be too careful, even in a quiet little suburb like this one.
"Um . . ."
"Spit it out. What do you want?"
"Well, it's just that some of the neighbors have been complaining about the, er, bathtubs in your backyard. We think it may be a violation of the Neighborhood Association's Code. If not, it's certainly . . . unsightly. This isn't the rural South."
Deadpool stood up. "Do you see that tub? It's empty. Do you see this suit I'm wearing? Do you think I wear it because it's comfortable?"
The woman shrugged.
"Well, it is comfortable, but that's not why I wear it. I wear it because if I didn't people like you would puke all over yourselves at the sight of me. That's why that tub over there is empty too. Because I'm a disgusting freak and my girlfriend broke up with me because she didn't like looking at or touching my severely burned skin. Now, if you'll kindly get off my lawn, I'm going to get back in my backyard bathtub and finish living out the imaginary Viagra commercial I'll never actually get to take part in. Is that okay with you?"
"I really don't understand what you're saying. And I don't appreciate your tone . . ."
"Get off my lawn!"
The mousey woman scurried away – like a mouse.
"You see, kids, my life sucks," said Deadpool. "I didn't have to put up with this crap from nosey neighbors back in the city. I mean, sure, I had to put up with all kinds of other crap there, but not this soccer mom bullcrap. Oh, but hey, I'm a superhero, and if you chop off my hand I'll magically grow a new one in its place. Aint that just peachy? Ahh, screw it. Just leave me alone for a few minutes so I can finish my imaginary Viagra commercial. I'll be back in the city soon enough, I'm sure."
Deadpool flipped off no one in particular and sat back down in his backyard bathtub. Bring your pitchforks and torches, neighbors, he thought. I'll be here all day.