Once again the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to the bar. Just more madness and misadventures of Cobra and…
The Static Cling Ring
Destro was sitting in the recreation room of the Cobra's new base reviewing some data on a data pad. "Ah it's nice to have some peace and quiet for a change."
"I HATE THIS WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT!" Cobra Commander's voice was heard down the hallway.
"And there it goes," Destro sighed.
"Well I'm back," Cobra Commander grumbled as he returned. He was wearing a blue and white Hawaiian shirt over his uniform and a straw hat on top of his helmet. He was also carrying a metal detector.
"Productive day?" Destro asked casually.
"Oh yes," Cobra Commander answered in comical tone. "I found six bottle caps, two dollars and fifty three cents in change, a buried beer can and a belt buckle! I tell you this thing pays for itself! NOT!" He threw down the metal detector.
"Still, two dollars and fifty three cents is a new record," Destro shrugged. "Yesterday you only found a quarter."
"This is not a joking matter Destro!" Cobra Commander threw off his hat onto a chair. "Cobra is in serious need of cash!"
"We're always in a serious need of cash," Destro sighed. "But at least now we have a somewhat decent base of operations and some income coming in."
"By income I hope you are not referring to that stoned idiot that sells seafood in that shanty we're attached to," Cobra Commander snapped. "He makes what? Twenty to fifty dollars a week and I suspect half the profits go to pot. Seriously I think he's buying pot with our profits!"
"Still better than what we had a week ago," Destro said. "And to be fair he and the other Steve have been pulling their weight around here. They fixed and filled the soda machine yesterday in the cafeteria."
"We have a cafeteria?" Cobra Commander was surprised.
"A small one. It's right next to the gym," Destro explained.
"We have a gym?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Is it nice?"
"It's not bad," Destro shrugged. "The satellite TV is a bit spotty but considering our location. Being under the ocean will cause some interference after all. Then again the pool is rather nice."
"We have a pool?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"You haven't exactly taken the tour of our new home have you?" Destro asked.
"Not really," Cobra Commander blinked. "I've been meaning to but you know?"
"So much alcohol and pills, so little time?" Destro asked.
"Hey I've been busting my hump all day working for chump change!" Cobra Commander pointed. "You think it's easy going outside all covered up like this in this humidity?"
"Don't people give you looks wearing that?" Destro asked.
"Have you been topside on this island?" Cobra Commander made a motion with his thumb. "As long as I'm wearing pants nobody does a double take what I'm wearing! This whole island is one freak show short of a carnival!"
"I see."
"No, you haven't," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat down. "I tell you I went to this bar I swear I thought I walked into a Dreadnok family reunion having a date night with some of Mindbender's mutations!"
Cobra Commander looked around. "Speaking of which where is Mindbender? And everyone else?"
"Mindbender and Steve One took the ship out to try and find some sunken treasure," Destro said. "Steve Two is at the shack supposedly selling fish but in reality he's just standing around playing his handheld video games. The twins said something about doing some recon on the other side of the island and I have no idea where the Baroness is."
"And you're not exactly in any hurry to find her. Am I right?" Cobra Commander groaned. "What happened this time? Another one of your stupid where is this relationship going talks?"
"No, we stopped having those right after the debacle that was Australia," Destro waved. "We just decided to take a break."
"Until you find some other people to date and cheat on with," Cobra Commander added.
"If you knew the answer why did you ask the question?" Destro gave him a look. "But as to the Baroness' whereabouts I really don't have any idea. Quite frankly I was enjoying the quiet."
CHING! CHING! CHING! CHING!
"So much for quiet," Cobra Commander grumbled. "What is that noise?"
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Mindbender laughed as he and Steve One pushed a cart filled with some bags. "Success! We did it!"
"Oh boy…" The Baroness sighed as she followed them.
"They did it?" Destro stood up in shock. "They actually got treasure?"
"More or less," The Baroness sighed. "Don't get your hopes up too high."
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander had leapt up and was opening the bags. "I can't believe Mindbender actually got gold…Hold on. These are quarters!"
"Bags of quarters!" Steve One cheered. "We hit every laundromat from here to Ft. Lauderdale! It was easy to jimmy the locks of the washers and dryers open. Half the places didn't even have security cameras and the ones that did…"
"Let's just say they had a minor malfunction!" Mindbender grinned.
"I think your brains have a minor malfunction!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Quarters? You spent all day stealing a couple thousand dollars' worth of quarters?"
"It does make that two dollars and fifty cents you found look like chump change," Destro pointed out.
"Two dollars and fifty three cents!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Hey money is money," Steve One said. "It's still over a thousand dollars."
"But it's in quarters!" The Baroness snapped. "What are we going to do with quarters?"
"Could always use them when we do our laundry down in our own laundromat," Steve One shrugged.
"That I knew we had," Cobra Commander spoke up. "Had a little scotch and marshmallow incident the other night. Don't ask."
"Could be worse," Destro sighed. "Could have been pennies."
"We got some of those too," Steve One said. "You'd be surprised what people do to those machines."
"Not exactly sacks of gold doubloons but I suppose it's a start," Destro sighed.
Mindbender looked at Cobra Commander. "Scotch and marshmallows?"
"I was experimenting with an idea," Cobra Commander groaned. "What? They make pumpkin flavored coffee and bacon flavored beer! Why not some kind of alcohol flavored marshmallows?"
"I know I would enjoy Smores better with those kind of marshmallows," Steve One spoke up.
"It would certainly make those Girl Scout jamborees a lot more interesting," The Baroness shrugged.
"Speaking of interesting where were you all day?" Destro asked the Baroness. "I'm guessing you weren't hanging out with the Static Cling Ring over here?"
"No, I was not," The Baroness folded her arms. "I was actually doing something useful like getting supplies."
"Do I want to know?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Let's just say you might hear about the computer glitch at the local supermarket and the stampede on the evening news," The Baroness admitted. "You would not believe the feeding frenzy that happens when you change all the prices in everything in a store to fifty cents."
"I can imagine," Destro blinked.
"Let's just say it was a good thing I had my taser with me," The Baroness shrugged.
"Not to mention the high tech device you used to change the prices," Destro added.
"If by high tech you mean the Manager's smartphone which I used after knocking him out and locking him in the bathroom then yes," The Baroness shrugged. "You know they have an app for everything now."
"Well this has been a productive day for Cobra," Destro said sarcastically. "We began a laundromat crime spree and caused a riot at the Piggly Wiggly."
"It was a Shop and Save," The Baroness corrected. "And what exactly have you been doing this whole time Destro?"
"Taking inventory of our new base for starters," Destro pulled out a data pad. "There are some interesting questions I want to ask the Twins when they return. For example how long have they had that rare wine in the wine cellar?"
"There's a wine cellar?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Okay that's it! I have got to take a tour of this place!"
"I didn't know we had a wine cellar either," The Baroness blinked.
"It's below the gym," Steve One said.
"There's a gym?" The Baroness asked.
"Guess I'm not the only one who needs a tour," Cobra Commander remarked.
"From what I can gather we have a wine cellar, a gym, a pool, a cafeteria," Destro looked over the data pad. "Two laboratories that haven't even been used, a tennis court that has been used, a squash court, a fleet of Segways, a sauna, a small bowling alley, a movie theater with three films, an empty armory, a fully stocked Tiki bar next to a small day spa…"
"For crying out loud is this a secret base or a luxury resort?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"What are the three films?" Mindbender asked.
"Wall Street, Where the Buffalo Roam and Caddyshack," Destro informed them.
"I've seen the Buffalo one," Steve One said. "It's with Bill Murray as this insane writer. It's really funny."
"You know what's really funny?" Destro asked. "The hidden safe behind the wall in one of bedrooms that I discovered held some valuables. Including some gold bullion, diamond jewelry, twenty five thousand dollars in cash…"
"WHAT?" Everyone in the room yelled.
"I knew the twins were hoarding money around here but I had no idea it was that much!" Steve One shouted.
"You didn't tell us…!" Cobra Commander spat. "Never mind! I should have known those twin twerps were holding out on us!"
"There's one room I haven't opened yet," Destro told them. "I wanted to ask the Twins what it was but since they have been less than honest I suggest we all investigate."
"Good idea," Steve One said. "We can put this money in the safe in the conference room."
"There's a conference room?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "Where?"
"Next to the tiki bar," Steve One said. "Honestly I thought you of all people would have found it by now."
"He does have a point Cobra Commander," Destro remarked. "You do have quite the talent for finding stashes of alcohol."
"It must have been all the time I spent in the sun today," Cobra Commander grumbled as they went off to investigate. "It has to be the reason I'm so off my game."
"You haven't exactly been on your game since 1993," Destro remarked.
It wasn't long before they entered the hidden room. Actually it was less of a hidden room and more like a hidden armory. "There's at least two platoons of BAT troopers, two submarines, five hover tanks, a couple of jeeps and a red Jaguar convertible!" Destro was stunned.
"Plus an armory full of laser rifles, grenades and…" Mindbender did a double take. "A cappuccino machine."
"I wondered where that went," Steve One remarked.
"Okay I have to ask," The Baroness spoke up. "What is a red Jaguar convertible doing in a secret Cobra base?"
"Maybe it's like a spy car?" Steve One suggested. "You know all tricked out with weapons and stuff?"
"Yes well I'd love to discuss this trick the Twins thought they could pull on us!" Cobra Commander hissed. "When I get my hands around their throats…"
There was a noise that sounded like something mechanical. "Someone's coming through a hidden passage!" Destro pointed to some strange looking rock formations. He made a motion for everyone to hide.
As soon as they did the rock formation opened, revealing that it was actually some kind of elevator. "If you like pina colatas…" Xamot sang happily. He was wearing a yellow straw hat and a yellow and white Hawaiian shirt with blue shorts and flip flops.
"Getting caught in the rain!" Tomax sang as well. He had a blue and white Hawaiian shirt with blue shorts and flip flops.
"If Destro really annoys you…" Xamot added.
"And The Baroness is a pain!" Tomax sang as they staggered out of the elevator.
"If you think Mindbender is a moron!" The Twins sang as one as they walked away. "And Cobra Commander doesn't have a brain! If you think Cobra Commander is a loser! As stupid as Mindbender's cape! You better come running…"
"From my wrath there will be no escape!" Cobra Commander stormed out of his hiding place. The other Cobras did as well.
"Uh oh…" Xamot blinked.
"This can't be good," Tomax groaned. "How did you find us?"
"Did you really think we wouldn't figure out there was an armory and a host of weapons inside our own base?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"After I gave Destro the schematics of the base," Steve One spoke up. "But even I didn't know about this room! This is the super-secret armory that I didn't have clearance for, am I right?"
"Why didn't you have clearance?" Mindbender asked.
"I guess they were afraid I'd wreck the Jaguar like I wrecked their Rolls Royce," Steve shrugged.
"Damn you Steve," Tomax gritted his teeth.
"Well there goes my buzz," Xamot groaned.
"We've been homeless for nearly two years and you two had a secret base filled with cash and weapons this whole time?" The Baroness yelled. "Why the hell didn't you two say anything?"
"I'll tell you why," Cobra Commander snarled. "These two rats would live on the street before giving anything up to us!"
"Can you blame us?" Xamot asked.
"Yes! Yes I can!" Cobra Commander yelled. "And where does this elevator lead anyway?"
"Is that the secret elevator I heard about from Fred?" Steve One spoke. "You know the one that leads to the bar in that casino you own?"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander yelled. "They own a casino?"
"There's a casino on this island?" Destro blinked.
"Yeah. I thought you knew about that," Steve One blinked.
"No I did not!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Weird. They used Cobra money to buy it years ago," Steve One scratched his head.
"Oh they did, did they?" Cobra Commander glared at them.
"You two are so dead," The Baroness glared.
"Busted," Mindbender said cheerfully. "Who's the moron now?"
"Steve why don't you shut up?" Tomax groaned.
"Now I remember why we fired him," Xamot groaned.
"You two. Come here," Cobra Commander indicated the twins with his finger. "I'm not going to yell. Just come here."
The twins drunkenly looked at each other. "I'm not going to yell. I just want to have a word with you two," Cobra Commander said calmly. The twins walked towards him.
"That's right. Stand right there," Cobra Commander said almost cheerfully as they stood in front of him. He then grabbed their heads and clonked them together.
"OWWWW!" The twins yelled in pain as they fell to the ground.
"That's for holding out on me!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Dude what did you think he was going to do to you guys?" Steve One giggled.
"The fact that he said he wasn't going to yell should have tipped you off," Destro remarked.
"We can…" Xamot moaned.
"Explain…" Tomax added.
"Cobra Commander…" They said as one.
"Oh I can't wait to hear this one," Cobra Commander folded his arms.
"Yes I always like to hear the latest in fiction," Destro remarked.
"We really didn't want you to touch our money…" Xamot moaned.
"Because you have no self-control when it comes to spending or anything else…" Tomax grunted.
"That fifty thousand and incidentals was for a rainy day!" Xamot added.
"Rainy day? In case you haven't noticed we've been in the middle of a figurative hurricane for almost two years!" Destro snapped. "How much more rain do we need?"
"Hold on. Fifty thousand? Destro said it was twenty five!" Mindbender remembered.
"I only found twenty five," Destro said as honestly as he could when everyone looked at him. "I'm not the one who's been holding out here!"
"That I'm not so sure about," The Baroness folded her arms. "Then again…" She glared at the twins.
"You know the only reason I don't fire you two out of a cannon right now is because we're low on manpower right?" Cobra Commander hissed at the twins.
"That and he wants to find out what else you've been holding out on him for," Steve One said.
"That's right Steve. That's it! Okay! I'm making it official!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Crimson Twins from now on Steve One is your boss!"
"NO!" The twins yelled.
"YES!" Steve One cheered.
"You can't do this to us!" Xamot yelled.
"Oh yes he can," Destro snickered. "I believe this shall be amusing."
"Very amusing," The Baroness grinned.
"So just so we're all clear," Steve One said. "Anything I want them to do, they have to do it. Am I right?"
"As long as they're left alive by the end of the day, yes," Cobra Commander nodded.
"That's all I wanted to know. He he he…" Steve One rubbed his hands. "First thing we're gonna have you do is clean out the septic tank and waste filters. They've been overdue for a good cleaning for years."
"No! You can't do this!" Xamot bristled.
"We are not maintenance men!" Tomax snapped.
"You are now!" Steve One grinned.
"Oh I am going to love living here," The Baroness grinned.
"I agree," Destro grinned. "At first I wasn't sure about the place but the amenities are really starting to grow on me."
"The important thing is that Cobra is back in business!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And we can finally start back on the road to world domination!"
"We've already the best laundromat heist team Florida has ever seen!" Steve One spoke up cheerfully. "And we got a lot of free detergent and static cling sheets too!"
"Yes the Static Cling Ring is highly successful!" Cobra Commander groaned. "But I'm looking to aim our sights a slight higher if you don't mind!"
"So what do we do next Cobra Commander?" The Baroness asked.
"Simple, we use or new resources to get more money for more resources!" Cobra Commander said. "I have recently learned from a reliable source that there is a transfer by sea of some gold bullion near the New York City harbor two days from now."
"Went on the criminal underworld dating sites again Cobra Commander?" Destro sighed.
"Hey don't judge. There are some very interesting chat rooms on those sites," Cobra Commander pointed out. "Anyway with our resources not only will we be able to travel there within a few hours, we can easily use the element of surprise and attack! We will gain a fortune and once again Cobra will be unstoppable!"
Almost two days later…
"COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he started to panic. The Cobras were in their ship. "CHANGE TO SUBMARINE FORM NOW DESTRO AND GET US OUT OF HERE!"
"Why am I not surprised this happened?" Destro groaned as he piloted the ship trying not to get hit by laser fire and torpedoes from the enemy. "This is all your fault Cobra Commander!"
"Well how was I supposed to know that this was a trap some stupid super-secret spy agency put out to catch some other terrorists?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Cobra! Hydra! They're both very similar!"
"The main difference is that Hydra is more successful and wasn't stupid enough to fall into this trap!" Destro snapped.
"Good thing we only put BATS in the hover tanks," The Baroness winced as something behind them exploded. "But they're gaining on us Commander!"
"I have a plan! Release Torpedo Bay T-5! I put in a special surprise in there!" Cobra Commander ordered.
"What kind of surprise?" Destro shouted.
"JUST DO IT!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"All right," Destro did as he was told.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What did you put in that torpedo bay?" The Baroness did a double take. "It stopped those enemy ships in their tracks!"
"I knew we would find some use for the scotch flavored marshmallows," Cobra Commander remarked.
"That's definitely a sticky situation they won't get out of anytime soon," Mindbender quipped. Everyone groaned. "What? Someone had to say it!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well there go the last of our hover tanks," Destro sighed.
"Just dive already and turn on the radar/sonar scrambling device!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Already have," Xamot sighed as he sat at the controls.
"We're escaping Cobra Commander," Tomax added. "But without the gold."
"And without half of our arsenal!" Xamot snapped. "We knew you'd screw it up and lose our resources."
"Not even a full week and we're out half of our BATS and all of our hover tanks," Tomax groaned. "Now you know why we didn't say anything before?"
"And knowing is a good reason not to put Cobra Commander in charge of supplies," Xamot grumbled.
"Yes Cobra is back in business all right," The Baroness remarked. "The business of getting our butts kicked and losing!"
"Oh shut up Baroness," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Well at least we still have our backup plan," Mindbender spoke up. "There's some promising laundromats in Ft. Lauderdale I've heard about."
"It's like we never left," Destro groaned.