Chapter 1

Luka and lulu walk together on a beach, comfortable in their own heterosexuality. people stare at the 2 men, disgusted, afraid, perhaps enen curious. they ignore the voices, the whispers as they enjoy the long walk on the beach. until...the dreaded argument got started. luka and lulu were notorious shittalkers and refused to admit when they were wrong. suddenly. luka looks at lulu and says. "you know it's pronounced jif and not guhif right?" lulu stared at luka, probing deep within him. "no you idiot its spelled gif and jeeif you dumbass bitch." luka glared, "well i think its pronounced jif and im right so go fuck yourself." lulu seething with rage retorted "well you won't so I may as well, i might even like it more you skinny bitch ass homo" luka gasped "how dare you, i am super hetero. YOU'RE the homosexual, all seducing and shit. fucking gay boi" lulu sneered "talking mad shit for a little bitch" luka narrows his eyes and stepped back from lulu "then i guess this needs to end" he unsheathes his greatsword a mighty chunk of solid steel. lulu scoffed "that's not a knife...THIS is a knife" he unsheathes his katana he bought for 99.99 on eBay, made in nippon steel etched into the plastic handle. he suddenly disappears "heh nothing personal homo" he teleports behind luka. thrusting mightily into his back. only to be stopped by the photo album of Vladimir Putin all serbians carry, "My god protects me lulu, can you say the same" he slashes down on lulu, still shocked his thrust was stopped. a grinding noise is heard as lulus shirt is torn. revealing his Lugoslavic pride breastplate. luka gasps "a usurper from the fallen yugoslavian republic...you must die. for honor and glory. for Putin aaaasrrrgghhh" luka activates his berserker rage, and chases lulu, whose naruto run grants him bonus speed to dodge the slow greatsword. a flash, a suddenly thump. lulu dodges as a greatsword flies by his head. narrowly missing him. he ducks, his face barely missing the blade. 'wait. he threw his sword' lulu thought, as a dark shadow slams into his skull, a massive kick from a serbians steel toed boots, lulu staggers. falling. he reaches for his katana, but luka stomps on it. his strong cold iron boots bending the nippon steel like gaijin sheet metal. "impossibru" lulu shouts, "I WAS THE CHOSEN- HURRKK" he stops, a greatsword throbbing in his throat, it's massive size cutting off any chance of breathing. "it's...jif" luka snarls. he twists the greatsword. lulu gurgles. and melts into a blob of silvery fluid.

"a clone." luka muses. his clothes ragged, ripped physique shining with power "it appears my father is still alive.. and my brother" he grips his greatsword. A grand quest awaits.

Chapter 2

"FOOLISH CLONES LUKA CRUSH YOU" a thunderous roar echoes through the laboratory. lulu clones wielding small blades and syringes are torn apart by luka's Serbian fury. The laboratory. hidden domain of his father, former Yugoslav king, philosopher, philanthropist, alcohol creator, god of war...Josip Broz Tito. "ahahaha you fool. this laboratory was crafted from the finest metals. your rage is strong, but my lab is stronger..clones KILL HIM" Father screams. an army of clones charge luka, his raging form crushing them like watermelons between a hot womans thighs. luka finishes off the last clone and charges through the facility, searching for his father. he pants. growing tired from the constant rage. trail of salt behind him as he continuously rages. "FAAAATHEEEEEEER" He roars crashing through walls, destroying clones and innocent civilians in his rage. suddenly. he stops. a 7th sense (that means stronger than 6th sense) warning him of danger. he does a crazy backflip and dodges a red flash. he lands. drawing his greatsword as he peers at the newest enemy. "I AM DESIGNATION CR3B-K1NG PREPARE TO DIE FOR OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JOSIP." a gigantic black robed craboid stands before luka, clutching a giant black and silver scythe, covered in sharp edges and spikes. "my scythe, deathslayer shall reap your life and empower me." luka lowers his guard...the monologue will last a while "you see. i can consume souls. i will eat them and grant me more powerful abilities, i have consumed the soul of the great demon god of death and have become death incarnate. you cannot stop me for i am already the strongest. my demon eye will see through your attacks, i will consume your soul, your blood and your power. and i will be the strongest of all. nobody can beat me."

luka groans. the monologue never ending "it reminds me of the prophecy of when i was born. a great king would fall in battle while the other onesidedly destroyed his proven enemy. that one would survive the loser would die. and i am here to prove that the prophecy is in my favor and i shall destroy you. my scythe of power, my demon eyes. I SHALL DESTROY YOU PUNY HUMAN AND THE RISE OF THE CRAB ARMY WILL SPELL THE END OF DAYS. YOU FOOL I SHALL DESTROY...YOOOOOOU-ULLLKKK" "LUKA TIRED OF BORING EDGY MAN" luka pulls his sword from the crab kings body. it sways before falling. shell cracking to pieces. luka starts to walk away, when suddenly *bam. crash kaboom* luka whips around. the crab kings body explodes. revealing a small pink shrimp holding a gigantic scythe, "my name is montoya de naruto la ichigo you killed my father, prepare to die" the shrimp charges luka, small form betraying a great power. scythe slashing Lukas upper body, clothing torn. scratches bleeding. luka barely deflects the scythes movements. each cut and scrape raising his rage, until finally..."LUKA, FUCKING MAAAAAD" *BAM* a screeching noise. the scythe caught by the sword. the shrimp prince was knocked down by lukas sheer force.the heavy breathing animal like luka staring down at the poor little vulnerable shimp boy "w..w...why are you looking at me like that" the shimp stammers. trying to cover himself with his arms. "luka...smash" luka growls. "Aaaaiiiiiieeeee" the shrimp cries, crawling and running away crying luka grunts, spitting in the ground. he sees a door marked *do not enter luka* and kicks it down. revealing a large arena. his father, his brother waiting for him. they clap. "bravo luka, as i expected. you were truly the most powerful son i have had" his father laughs. "unfortunately you wouldn't be controlled. you didn't want to destroy, you wanted love. well..i love you son, now step into the death chair of dying. and kill yourself. its over son" luka draws his greatsword. "daddy, it's over uwu imma kill you like a bitch" he charges his father, easily cutting him down like an easily killed puppy. with the same motion he cuts down his brother dying like a small bitch. his brothers body bursts into green flames. and disappears. his dads body rapidly rots until its a pile of mush luka is startled. luka shouts in shock "my brother...an elder lich? he was behind this?? impossible" he girds himself. sheathing his sword. time to find a lich the next step on his grand quest.

Chapter 3

Luka trudged through the frozen wastes. His bulging muscles keeping him warm despite his lack of winter attire. far above him, atop the highest peak of the edgelord mountains lay a grand castle, elaborate use of strange runes etched into the mountain gave it an almost alien feel. He felt eyes glaring at him from afar. cowards always stayed away. afraid of what he could do. luka grunted drawing his sword as an arrow shot towards him, barely missing him he calmly walked towards where the arrow came from. more arrows fell upon him. he sidestepped. slashing arrows from the sky as he began to run. charging whoever was shooting the pathetic arrows at him. finally with a triumphant shout he crested a snowbank. his massive iron blade slamming into the figure who dared to use arrows against him. *clang* metal meets metal. the figure stands upright. A GOLEM?? a gigantic 12ft behemoth of steel and magic. it crushes his sword like a bitch crushes my heart. why did you leave me brenda. i loved you, you sadistic bitch oh god why, why didnt i listen to my mom. i knew you would take the kids. you took my dog. i loved that dog and you just took him from me, you fucking bitch you bitch brenda. fuck you.

luka awkwardly stood there, rage boner at half mast. unable to get release as he had been disarmed by the metal beast. his last vestiges of rational thought told him to run. and run he did "aahhhhhhhhhh nooo please no no no ahhhhh" frank cried, blubbering like a baby

the previous statement never happened. unfortunately our writer frank went through a nasty divorce and falsified some of the story...we apologize deeply.

Freshly disarmed Luka the barbarian grinned. FINALLY a worthy foe. he reached into the mysterious barbarian backpack built into his belt buckle. "clunky metal toy. meet your maker. behold my new weapon curved sword on stick" luka held up a scythe, freshly stolen from an unfortunate monster child" the metal golem ignores the barbarian as it lacks ears. slamming the ground and charging luka. sparks flash, as luka slashes the metal beast. leaving gouges in the monster. his scythe dulling with each movement. "hahaha YES a worthy foe. I SHALL MAKE SCRAP OUT OF YOU RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH" Luka ignited his bloodlust and began to rage. each strike stronger then the last. each shout louder, stronger. the machine felt no fatigue. the barbarian didn't care. he could beat up this fat egg later. momentarily distracted the golem lands a fish square to his chest. activate rocket punch SUBROUTINE the golem speaks. it's fist blowing steam as it launches forward. the sound of splintering ribs and painful screams echo as luka is launched 40ft away. the golem lumbered forward. intent on finishing the barbarian. and ensuring his death. scanning for hostile the golem lurched around tryung to find the wounded barbarian. it didnt even utter a beep as a scythe ripped up from under the snow. bisecting the golem. n.n.n.not l l llogicaaal eerreeeerrrooorererrrrr

the golem smashed into the ground. its control core smashed beyond recognition

a bright beam of light slams down on luka and a merry little jingle informs him that he has levelled up curing his wounds and making him stronger. or so the hallucinations told luka as he frantically tried to push ribs back into his chest so the blood would stop. unsuccessful. he drifted away into unconciousness

Chapter 4

Luka groaned, muscles ripping with power, glistening with sweat. he felt sick. he felt hot. he felt someone touching him. "NOOO" Luka shot out of the bed. knocking a woman to the floor. "LUKA want be wizard" he bellowed. protecting his womb broom from the succubus who tempted him. his eyes focused. not a succubus he noticed. but some phallic monster covered in tentacles. riding a tricycle. it stared at him. tongue waving in the air. it cackled "little barbarian. i saved you. nurtured you back to full health with my patented fairy dust. you owe me for this service" luka felt his face grow red. with rage. pure. throbbing anger. "LUKA WANNA BE WIZARD LEAVE LUKA ALONE" he cried. backing away from the wiggly moist monster. The monster reached out a single slimy tentacle..."that'll be about tree fiddy" it said. Luka blinked. wait. something was wrong. and it was about that time he noticed that it wasnt a phallic demon of lust at all. it was the god damn loch ness monster trying to get his money luka said "damn loch ness monster always want luka money." he pulled out his greatsword and thrust it into the loch ness monster. killing it instantly. Luka giggled. tree fiddy. freshly healed. Luka left the small house and trudged back into the frozen wastes. luckily and for plot reasons. this put him right in front of the liches castle. cutting out many hours of wasted animation.

Luka stood before a crowd of people. seated in desks. staring down at him. he glanced around Introduction of Gif design 101 he cleared his throat "welcome to my class. in the next 16 weeks I will teach you about how to create, edit, and publish Jifs" quickly. students started taking notes. luka looked around. "although this is only the first of many classes you will take I hope that everyone enjoys my class, and is capable of learning from me." luka moved over to a smartpad and began drawing, completing frames for his gif very quickly. and with expert motions. very quickly, a detailed gif of a large furry creature jacking himself off started to form. luka swallowed some spit as he heard gasps from the desks. "my class is art, I produce art. dont try to shame me for my fetish normies" luka screeched foolish normie scum should go die he thought, as he sculpted the tigers penis with deft motions. suddenly he stopped. wait...wasnt he doing something. the students glared. "don't stop, stay with us forever" they droned, staring at him, angrily.

"Foul magic, luka will destroy you" luka jumped. his rage causing him to burst out of the suit he just realized he was wearing. his iPad held like a weapon. the students swarmed him, he attacked, his flimsy weapon breaking on the first neck. fools. their apple products failed him. he tried to run, but the vegan empowered humans caught up to him, dragging him to the ground amidst snarling and inhaler usage.

"NOOOOOOOOO" luka screamed. waking up. before him stood a door, in his hand, the broken greatsword. he was still in the entranceway.

"greetings again barbarian" the door droned. "dare you attempt my riddle again? what jumps and hops and likes to bounce covered in fur and eats carrots" luka glared, his brain faintly steaming. this foul magical door gave him the most difficult riddle of his life. he cursed inwardly as he tried counting on his fingers. maybe it was a number. he growled in anger. "evil door tell luka answer or luka smash door like Lukas future wife" the door was silent. awaiting an answer to the riddle.

"aaaaaagghhhhh" luka roared..."is answer...bouncy ball?" "INCORRECT DUMBASS. 2 MORE TRIES AHAHAAHAHA"

A vein throbbed in lukas temple this door was impenetrable not a single hole to explore in it. his rage finally reached its peak "FOUL MAGICAL FUCKING DOOR. NO MORE TRICKS, NO MORE RABBITS FROM YOUR HAT I KILL YOU DOOR AHRLALRHSHARHHHHH" he screamed. charging the door sword drawn and ready "correct" the door said, swinging open and slamming into luka, knocking the rage out of him "you may enter". luka snorted, then walked through the door "thats what luka thought, puny weak door scared" the doors slammed behind him, lights suddenly turned on. revealing...

HIS DEFEATED BROTHER, sipping a cup of tea quietly. "ah luka good to see you. good to see you again, please take a seat and let's talk" luka glared, ignoring the seat offered. "no. I luka von baron da montoya de la cruz tito shall destroy you, and all the relics of the past lugoslavic country. prepare to die in the name of the great barbarian king Vladimir Putin.

"he jumped forward, sword smashing down onto his brother, who didnt even dodge. the blade cleaved his body in two. shattering into pieces from the attack. luka held his hilt. fondly remembering all of the things it helped him penetrate in his life. "farewell brother, perhaps in the next life you will bow to the god king Vladimir Putin." luka turned to leave. confident he had slain the undead lich...that...he just..."oh putin fuck me" he spat. whirling as his brothers corpse arose. shedding its skin and revealing the infernal bones of the lich "Ahahaha you fool, killing a lich with a sword. looks like you get to die instead of me." the lich clapped its bony hands. shattering the air like glass and magical bolts of energy flew through the air. luka dodged, rolling out of the way. multiple bolts of energy arcing off the walls. "dodge this" the lich screamed. a white ball of energy shooting from his hand. luka stood. frozen. his eyes widened. a voice whispered in his ears "yo man wanna see my mixtape?" wrong voice, the nerdy one, "hit the ball back at him." luka gasped, gripping his shaft with both hands and he wound up, his veins throbbed. his mouth opened wide. "OOOOOOOOOOO" He shouted. swinging his shaft firmly into the ball, it made a slapping noise and the ball bounced off. the lich had no time to react before the white ball busted all over his face, exploding. and causing the lich to stagger. "YOU FOOL. KEEP RESISTING AND I WILL KILL YOU HARDER" the lich threw a second ball, stronger. larger. whiter than before. lukas eyes bulged out of his head. it's so big, he couldnt possibly do it. but he resolved himself. no..he must do this he gripped his shaft harder. gripping it eith both hands. it was stsrting to feel soft. the energy making the hilt soften and melt. soon it wouldn't be hard. he had to finish the lich fast. "OOOOOOoooooo" he moaned. softening tool vibrating in his hands, massive load of energy trying to bust all over his face. with a cracking sound. the ball was repelled. white stuff blasting the lich head over heels. "ha...hahaa good. brother. very good. time...time to go all out. take my load. TAKE IT ALLLLLLL" The lich unleashed his final load, trembling with the strain. the final load. the largest he had ever blasted on someone. as he threw it. he sighed. so...so much. luka paled. his hilt a soft mess in his hands, afraid of this massive load coming on him. 'I...i can't do this' luka thought. oh god help me. he cried. he clenched tight, preparing to take the biggest load of his life. he raised his soft tool. futility etched on his face as he shook, feeling fear for the first time in his life. he closed his eyes. "my child. you have given up. but I can show you the way" lukas eyes sprang open. he was being embraced from behind. his bare muscles quivering from excitement as he heard the voice. rugged arms reached around him. grabbing his shaft firmly. "focus child, when you need to give it a boost. you have to believe" a vibrant light entered his shaft, strengthening it. hardening it. it stood. straight. fully powered as he prepared to take the orb. "you must penetrate it, harder than you have ever thrusted before. i believe in you...comrade" the voice faded. the arms disappeared. but its might stayed. his heart pounded. he almost strayed. luckily his god king. his lord. savior and president, Vladimir Putin had arrived to save him. he grinned. face scrunched up, mouth open. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...HNNNNNNNNNNNG...OOOOH GOOOOD YEEEEEEEEE" he moaned, he screamed. body vibrating, shaking as his shaft began to penetrate the orb. the divine power of Russia permeating his body. "im...impossible" the lugoslavic lich screamed "TOO MUCH POWER NOOOOO" the ball. reflected, began to vibrate. as it splashed agsinst the lich, engulfing him in its white stuff before exploding. leaving a crater and no sign of the lich. the sword hilt crumbled from Lukas hands. and he stumbled. the castle began to break down, the power from the lich no longer sustaining it. he lurched, stumbling from the castle. as he stands before the fallen castle. he looks to the sunrise...his quest is complete.