Disclaimer: I do not own bleach or any of the characters in it; all credits go to Tite Kubo.

This is a BL (Man/Man) fanfiction, if you don't like it you may want to go somewhere else now.

Let me go

I honestly can't remember anything about my past life as a human. I sometimes even wonder that did I even have one.
There was nothing human in me anymore; I was only an empty soul wandering through the gray world, acting as Aizen's puppet, fulfilling his every wish and need.
Sometimes I used to close my eyes and picture, what kind of person I must've been as a human.
Was I a complete opposite to this sorrowful and strict appearance of mine now, or was just like this already then? I can only wonder.
But soon after I had stopped my silly imagination from making up things like this, I met the person who could most possibly make me believe in something more than just this tiring grayness that I'm being swallowed by.

/"Grimmjow" Aizen spoke with a low, almost annoyed voice. Grimmjow sneered and looked up to face his master that he was supposed to bow to. Aizen had clearly gotten tired of the cockiness of the above-mentioned blue-haired Espada.
He had caught my curiosity now. This was his very first meeting after becoming the Sexta Espada and his manners were already thrown off the window.
I couldn't help wondering that how he dared. Every time he spoke he seemed like he was picking a fight or just annoying for pure fun of it. Even when he spoke to Aizen.
I kind of respected and despised him and his actions in the same time, he was a pure pain in the ass but also something to admire. I could've never stood against Aizen like that, I was too much of his puppet and it made me feel sick to realize how disgusting I really was.

I started to feel uneasy with myself.
I started to doubt thing about myself and the others too.
And I blame him.
If he wouldn't have decided to become an Espada,
If he hadn't shown up in my gray but peaceful life,
If he just would've at least kept his filthy mouth shut,
I would still be okay.

You know, I had never even thought that extraordinary powerful and intelligent Hollows like Espadas could actually feel like this. After all, no matter what we are just Hollows in the end. Empty souls only hunting for human souls and gaining power, we are beasts and monsters. We can't feel this way.
I had always thought that it's some privilege to humans to first feel like the way I felt right now and then after a while, commit a suicide to escape it.

If I hadn't met him I would've never risen against myself like this.

Too many if's to count and every single one of them is caused by him.

For a flicker of a moment, I had believed that he had actually meant some of those icky sweet words he once whispered into my ear.
Even thinking about it now still makes the moist rise into my eyes and I feel a lump in my throat.
The emptiness had been filled once by him, just to be left even emptier just a couple weeks afterwards.
Nights after nights I'm forced to act like my usual self.
I'll pass by him in the corridors and feel like I'm being stabbed by an invisible sword every time his cyan eyes meet up with my shady jade-green ones.
There's nobody else in Hueco Mundo or Seireitei or in any world that means to me more than a mere rock.
Nobody else can make me feel something. Only you can.
That's why I'm going crazy because of you. You are too fucking blind to see how you're tearing my already weak soul more and more, ripping my heart from my chest and playing whit it like a cat plays with a dead mouse.

Imagine how I feel about it, would you? /

My own raspy voice stopped speaking and the so called final movie stopped flashing in front of my eyes now fading like a dream. The reality came back with an aching pain in my stomach, which was literally killing me.
A single drop of crimson liquid fell on the gray floor, being followed by a million others, forming a larger and larger puddle around me. The sweet metallic scent filled my lungs and I inhaled deeply, getting completely high over the smell of my own damned blood.
The warm liquid filled my mouth and spurted out with my coughs, leaving red trails in my chin.
I couldn't feel a thing anymore and I collapsed, becoming a numb limp on the floor.

I didn't want to wake up anymore; this would be the end of my endless suffering right?
Shit, I'm such an emo, I smiled sadly. Espada wanting to die, some other would've laughed at that. Made me feel like even more of a failure than ever. I sighed faintly as I got swallowed into the sweet shadows.

No matter how much I wished that it would've been the end, I woke up.

The blue struck into my eyes like the daylight, that I had almost forgotten. He was here, glaring at me from above. Grimmjow took a notice that I had woken up and grinned widely, having a hint of relief in it, and I asked myself; why was he relieved?
I mumbled something like "whatthehell" in panic, why the hell did I have to wake up?
I saw the rejection-powers girl kneeling right next to me when I turned my head. I was still in the battlefield and seriously injured but I wasn't dead.

She was healing me… On whose permission, if I may ask?

"Stop", I gasped, it was hard to speak… that berry-head had most likely cut my lungs open as well as my other insides.
It almost amused me to see the fairy girl look so surprised by my substitute word for "thanks." I guess that Grimmjow didn't catch what I said or he didn't care, whatever.
"Excuse me?" She dared to make me repeat myself.
"I said - stop", I breathed again gasping for air on each word.¨
She was unsure what to do. It was as clear as the gray sky that Grimmjow would beat the shit out of her if she'd stop. On the other hand I'd kill her with my cero, using my last powers and dying then, if she continued.
"Just let me fucking die" I now spoke clearly, the fairies had done their magic tricks so that I was able to breath and speak properly.
I was already ready to break her little pathetic head to stop, even if it took all of my remaining powers to launch my cero but she did what I asked and removed the rejection-shield thing from above me.

Now it was Grimmjow who looked stunned.

"Hey! Why didya stop?!" He growled furiously and shoved Orihime to the ground.
"I-I'm sorry! He asked me to", She cried with such desperate eyes.
Oh god that woman was so annoying, I tell you.
And I had even had a soft spot for her some time ago… Now she was nothing more than a mere annoyance blocking my way towards my peace.

A faint curse escaped my parted lips and I closed my eyes, feeling that my veins were open again, letting all my blood cells run free to the sand, changing its usual gray into lovely red.

Just a little time and I'd be free from here.

I heard couple of screams from the girl and some vicious growls from Grimmjow.

And then, a desperate plea from Grimmjow.
I could've sworn I felt something wet drop on my face.
I wanted to open my eyes now so bad, to see if it really was him. If I could cry now, I definitely would.
I would've screamed like I never did and I'd tell you what I wanted to tell you and I'd believe you again. I'd be fine again, as long as you were there but… I cannot anymore.
Fuck I hate hindsight. I could've done all those things before, I really could've.

Your voice still echoes in my head, Grimmjow.

"Please don't die."

I'm forced to run away from you, the person I love and hate the most.
I can't turn to you anymore, I won't be warm anymore.
All that I'll leave to you are my sincere hopes that I suffocated in lack of belief.
How stupid I was.

Goodbye, Grimmjow.

Forgive me.

Thank you for reading and please review!