WARNING (this will contain the following): OOCness, ridiculous plot, Sesshomaru being fucked with…no, not fucked you silly fan boys and girls, fucked with
Hehe, well this is a gift fic for my friend, ActionBitch2011. I'm not used to writing stuff like this but hey hope it's likeable anyways. Inspired by one of many interesting conversations between us…
Happy birthday!!!
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the Inuyasha characters. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I make no profit from this. Oh, and I don't own poes either, those are the Legend of Zelda's
What A Trip
"Who are you two and what business do you have in my lands?" a pissed off inu youkai by the name of Sesshomaru asked. His sword Bakusaiga was drawn and he was prepared to strike down the two beings in front of him.
"We're here kicking ass and taking names," a girl with long but spiked hair told him. It was wild looking, a few inches long with red streaks.
"Your lands?" a boy…no girl…no boy with shorter hair asked. "I don't see your name in the dirt or on the trees." His hair was short in the back and longer in the front. They both were wearing tight clothing in mostly black along with various blues and purples. Overall, they were very strange looking.
"I suggest you leave now if you value your lives," Sesshomaru said, not liking these creatures one bit.
"Ooh, did you hear that, Gabe?" the girl asked the boy.
"I sure did, Shana," he replied.
She focused her attention back on to the dog. "Bitch! Is that a threat?!"
"It's probably a promise," Gabe snorted.
"Just try it! You'll be the one to leave with your tail between your legs, puppy."
Sesshomaru's eyes flashed red as he charged at them. Shana and Gabe were expecting it though and were able to jump out of the way.
"Damn it, Shana! I told you we shouldn't have gone into that cave!" Gabe shouted. "Now we got poofed to a land where magic dogs with temper problems attack us."
"It's not like we had anything better to do," Shana said in her defense.
"Yeah, well, how about staying in our own country, time period…where the fuck are we anyways?"
"Hell if I know. Let's ask the guy attacking us in woman's clothing. Hey, asshole! Where are we?"
"Trespassing on my lands!" Sesshomaru spat.
"And just where are your lands?" she sighed.
"Japan." He launched at the pair again but they leapt into a tree. Humans aren't capable of that. "You two are demons." Why do they reek of nothing but humans then?
"Half," they both said.
"You don't carry the scent of demons."
"Yeah, well demons aren't exactly common where we're from," Gabe explained. "We have to be sneaky about it."
"Come on, Gabe," Shana said suddenly. "This guy's boring. Let's go find something to blow up."
"Sounds good to me."
Sesshomaru just watched with an eyebrow raised as the odd pair walked off. Then he became angry. They couldn't just walk away from the lord of the west like that! They needed to be punished!
And that was the excuse he told himself while following them.
"Hey, guess who's behind us," Gabe whispered to Shana.
"Ugh, what's his deal?" she asked. She knew who it was without looking because she could feel Sesshomaru's aura. "Hey Woody, why don't you show yourself instead of hiding behind us?"
Almost instantly Sesshomaru appeared in front of them.
"Now why are you following us?" Shana asked.
"I wasn't," Sesshomaru stated. "I was making sure you didn't cause problems in my territory."
"Same thing," Gabe chirped.
Sesshomaru glared at him.
"Well, if you want to come with us I guess you can. Do you care…" She turned to look at Gabe but he was no longer there. "Gabe?" She quickly found him on the ground though playing with a spider.
"If he wants then sure," Gabe said.
"The only reason I'm joining is to make sure you don't end up starting a war," Sesshomaru lied. He was actually just curious to see what these strange half-breeds were up to.
--
Sesshomaru would have stood there with his mouth hanging wide open if such an action weren't beneath him. The surrounding area was demolished, it looked like a bloodless battle had just taken place. And in the middle of it all were Shana and Gabe playing with a moss covered rock that was on fire. They said they were playing "volleyball" or something like that. Suddenly Shana looked away from the game.
"What's wrong?" Gabe asked.
She was silent for a moment before asking, "Do you hear that?"
After listening for a few seconds Gabe replied with a hushed "Yeah. What is it?"
She looked at Sesshomaru. "Hey, Woody. Do you hear that too?"
"Of course I do," he huffed, ignoring the nickname. He did now but he hadn't heard it until she mentioned it. He had been lost in thought or so one would think if lords like Sesshomaru ever got lost in thought.
"Any idea on what it is? We're in your lands."
"Do you honestly think I would've allowed you guys to utterly destroy this area if it belonged to me? We crossed the southern border about thirty minutes ago. And I'm unsure as to what is causing that noise. We shall find out soon though since it seems to be getting closer." Since when the hell do I say more than two sentences at a time? Unlike popular belief, Sesshomaru's thoughts were not as eloquent as the words he spoke aloud. It would be too much work to construct fancy sentences no one else besides him would know of. Whatever…
And suddenly they knew what had been the source of the sound. In front of the three of them was now a large…ghosty, spirity type thing.
"Hey, that looks like the poes from Zelda!" Gabe exclaimed.
"Haha, it does," Shana laughed. "Ugh, I was playing Majora's Mask and do you remember that one couple with the sun and moon masks?"
"The one where the woman is a pedophile and they look like mother and child?"
"Yeah."
And then they were gone, lost in their conversation. Sesshomaru and the "poe" exchanged a glance as if to say 'Are you fucking serious?'
"Hey!" the poe yelled. "When an ancient spirit appears before you, you don't just forget about him and start talking!"
That caught Shana and Gabe's attention. They slowly turned to the poe with glares on their faces.
"How rude, Mr. Grumpy Ghost," Gabe scolded.
"Jeez, looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of their mother this morning," Shana said.
"What do you want?" Sesshomaru suddenly asked.
Seeing as the poe had all of their attention, it began to speak. "You two have trespassed into this time period and country. You entered the portal that I guard over. This is a terrible crime and for it you shall be punished."
"Oh, please no. Don't do that," Shana said with a bored tone.
"Ooh! I'm shaking in my six inch heels!" Gabe laughed.
"You dare mock me? Now you will pay!" Mr. Grumpy Ghost roared. Its fingertips glowed red before a beam headed for the three demons' direction. They all easily dodged it then the half-demons got pissed.
"Where the fuck," Shana screamed, "do you get off just randomly showing up and attacking us?! Ancient spirit or not, your ass is going down!" She then got into an attack stance while Gabe was already in one.
Sesshomaru watched as they attacked head on. Fools. No one seemed to notice the dog so he walked off.
Shana was a fire bender. She put her hands up, palms facing the poe, and flames shot out surrounding her. They seemed to dance around before she thrust her hands forward and the flames sped towards the poe. When it struck it would encase the ghost in a shell of red and orange slowly burning the enemy to ashes. The flames hit but instead of being harmful or fatal, the ghost's skin seemed to absorb it and turn it into nothing. Both Shana and Gabe were shocked.
"It…it fucking ate your attack!" Gabe yelled surprised.
"Damn…" Shana mumbled. "Gabe! Use your special attack!"
"I was just getting ready to do that."
Suddenly the dirt began kicking up around Gabe. One moment he was standing a few yards away from the poe and then in the next he was gone. He used his demon speed to get close to the enemy. Once he was a few feet away his teeth elongated into fangs and he latched onto the poe where its heart should have been. Both half-demons were in for another surprise. There was a flash of light and then Gabe fell to the ground with a surprised yelp.
"This mother fucker…" Shana murmured.
It had faded its body into a spirit so that attacking it was useless. Once Gabe's teeth connected with his victim he was able to suck their life force out of them by attaching to their soul.
Shana saw that Gabe was still on the ground while the ghost was getting ready to attack him. "Damn it. Punk ass, Casper!" She ran and grabbed him before he was smashed by a spike on Casper's arm.
"Thanks," Gabe groaned.
"No problem but look out next time."
Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by a loud piercing scream. They quickly snapped their heads in the direction of it to see the poe's body turning solid again. There was a sizzling sound and then they saw Sesshomaru. he had gone behind the ghost and lashed his light whip at him. It had actually done damage unlike Shana and Gabe's attacks. The creature started spasming and Sesshomaru walked towards the two half-breeds.
"This bitch is smirking," Gabe whispered rather loudly to Shana.
"Hmph, whatever," Shana replied. "Woody cheated."
"I did not," Sesshomaru stated arrogantly. "You're just angry."
"Do I look angry? No, I don't. You just cheated."
Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes. He was about to retort but the words never escaped his lips. Shana's eyes widened and then Gabe shouted "Look out!" Just as Sesshomaru turned around he saw and felt the spirit shoot a spike into his side. Immediately it burned and felt like fire running through his veins. He vaguely heard voices shouting something. His vision blurred and he was unable to say anything as he fell to the ground.
Gabe and Shana didn't know what to do. One moment Woody was being all cocky, the next he was spasming like the poe had been earlier.
"What the hell's happening to him?" Gabe asked.
"I think he's dying…" Shana told him.
"What? But he was so cute!"
"Yeah, I kinda liked him. Should we do something?"
"Like what? I think it's too late anyways."
Sesshomaru's body started jerking less and less until eventually he didn't move at all.
"That's what the damn dog gets for attacking me from behind!" the poe laughed.
"Shut the fuck up. You're gayer than I am, you like it from behind," Gabe said.
Shana walked over to Sesshomaru's body. She checked his pulse to confirm his death then picked up the body.
"If you know what's good for you then you'll get the fuck out of here," Shana growled.
"Whatever," the poe said. "Your friend is dead, I'm satisfied with that for now."
"Go away you cunt!" Gabe shouted.
The ghost laughed before disappearing in a flash of light. The half-demons stared at each other.
"Well…" Gabe mumbled.
"Well," Shana repeated.
"What should we do with his body?"
"I'd prefer you not do anything with me."
Gabe and Shana spun around fast.
"Woody!" they said simultaneously.
"My name is not Woody," Sesshomaru frowned.
"Sure it is, Woody," Shana said.
"You're…you're a ghost," Gabe mumbled.
"That's one way to put it. I don't believe that spirit truly killed me. I think this is a curse."
"If it's a curse then how do we break it?"
"I am unsure."
"Well, what do we do until then?"
"Let's drop his body off somewhere," Shana suggested. "I don't feel like carrying him around and it won't do any good to just leave him out here in the open."
"Where should we take your body, Woody?" Gabe asked.
Sesshomaru glared before answering. "Back to my palace. At least there I'll know it'll be safe."
"Lead the way then since we have no idea where we're going."
And soon the half-demons and Sesshomaru-ghost were off.
Shana had him by the arms while Gabe had his legs. A few hours later, the western palace was in sight. Shana and Gabe decided to take a break. They found a shady spot then simply dropped Sesshomaru on the ground.
"Jeez, fat ass. You're heavy," Shana commented.
"Hey! Watch it, you fuckers!" Sesshomaru growled.
"Haha! Did he just cuss at us?" Gabe asked.
"I think he did," Shana laughed. "Good job, you're talking more like us common folk."
"Oh, shut up," Sesshomaru bit out before sitting down and leaning against a tree.
"Hey, if he can't go through trees then can he go through people?" Gabe asked. Shana shrugged so he decided to find out for himself. He did so by sitting on Sesshomaru's lap. He found out that the dog did indeed go through people.
"Ow!" Gabe whined as he fell on his ass. "Why are you able to sit against the tree?"
"Hell if I know," Sesshomaru said. "Maybe the curse didn't work completely and made me only partially ghost. That "poe," as you two call it, didn't seem to be too intelligent."
"Hm, maybe." Gabe stood up.
"Ready to go?" Shana asked.
"Yup."
They picked up his body and continued their journey. Once they arrived Sesshomaru started to speak but the guards walked right past him towards the half-breeds.
"Hey, you imbeciles! Don't walk past me or I'll kill you!" Sesshomaru hollered.
"Uh…I don't think they heard you," Shana told him. "Oh, fuck!" She leapt out of the way as a guard slashed his sword at her. Gabe grabbed Sesshomaru's body and ran a small distance away.
"What the fuck, man?!" Gabe yelled.
"You killed our lord," the one that hadn't attacked yet growled. "For that you shall pay with your lives!" He then chased after Gabe while the other attacked Shana again.
"It was the poe! The poe!!!" Gabe shouted while running.
Sesshomaru jumped in front of the one trying to cut Shana. "Cease this at once, Ken!"
Ken ran right through him though. Sesshomaru's eyes widened. It was a weird sensation when someone just went through you.
Shana dodged the attack and backhanded him. Then she shot a circle of flames at both guards. She didn't kill them though. Instead she kept them standing in the same spots with rings of fire surrounding them.
"Now listen!" she yelled. "We didn't murder your precious lord! Some ancient spirit-"
"Don't tell them about the curse!" Sesshomaru quickly interrupted.
"Some ancient spirit thing killed him. We were just nice enough to bring his body back. The least you could do is not attack us, you twats. Understand?" They didn't answer so she shrunk the flame circles in a threatening manner. "Now…understand?!"
"Yes!" they both cried out, afraid of being burned alive.
Gabe and Sesshomaru watched from a distance.
"I really need new guards once this curse is broken," Sesshomaru groaned.
"Why? For getting captured?" Gabe asked.
"No, because they forgot they can fly."
"…Yeah, when this is over you should really get on that."
"Those idiots."
"Now," Shana continued. "If I release you, will you stop attacking us?"
They nodded their heads vigorously.
"And will you get Sesshomaru's body then give us a room to stay in?"
Once again they nodded.
"Good."
The flames vanished and the guards scrambled to where Gabe, Sesshomaru, and Sesshomaru's body were. They picked it up while apologizing.
"Fucking idiots," Sesshomaru mumbled.
"Got that right," Gabe murmured.
They both walked up to Shana who was shaking her head.
"Woody, get some new guards," Shana said.
"That's what I plan on doing."
"Ready to go in?" Gabe asked. "It's getting dark and I don't want to spend the night out here."
"Me either. Let's go."
Once they went inside a guard different from the two outside came up to them and bowed.
"Hello, my name is Haku. Thank you for bringing Lord Sesshomaru's body back to the palace. The service will be held for him tomorrow at nightfall."
"Yeah, no problem," Shana said.
"Where do we-" Gabe began asking before breaking off into laughter. Shana did too.
Sesshomaru was standing in front of the guard pelvic thrusting at him. For some reason only Shana and Gabe could see him so the guard didn't know why they were laughing.
Then Sesshomaru bent down a little so he and the guard were eye-level. He stuck his tongue out at him then backhanded him. His hand went through him though of course.
The guard was still confused. These two are crazy… "I'll lead you to your rooms."
"We'll stay in the same room," Shana told him.
"Yeah, like we want to stay alone in some strange room in some strange palace in some strange land," Gabe mumbled.
Later that night, Shana and Gabe were playing catch with a small ball of fire while Sesshomaru simply watched.
"I'm bored," Gabe whined.
"Me too," Shana sighed. "Woody! Come explore with us so we don't get lost."
"Fine," Sesshomaru huffed.
A few minutes later they came across big double doors.
"There should be guards here," Sesshomaru grumbled. He also said something about 'killing the lot of them.'
"What's in here?" Gabe asked as Shana creaked the door open.
"It's where my body is being kept." With that the half-breeds barged right into the large room and ran to where the corpse was.
"Wait, what are you guys doing?" Sesshomaru asked. He didn't want them fucking with his body.
"We're un-boreding ourselves," Shana told him. "Gabe, do you by chance have a pen?"
"I have a sharpie."
"Even better. Let me see it, I have an idea…"
Gabe's expression brightened as he realized what Shana had planned.
"What are you doing?" Sesshomaru asked. "What did he hand you?"
She ignored him as she and Gabe leaned over the dead Sesshomaru. She uncapped the marker and held it to his face.
"What should I draw first?" she asked.
"A mustache," Gabe told her.
"Mexican or Hitler?"
"Mm, Hitler. Even though I don't think they know who Hitler is. Woody, what year is it?"
"It's 1500."
"Whoa. Okay, they definitely don't know who he is."
"Who is this…Hitler?"
"Don't worry about it."
Shana brought the marker to his skin and began drawing. Sesshomaru tried swatting her hand away but since he was a ghost he was unsuccessful.
"You assholes…" he muttered with a pout.
--
Shana and Gabe laughed once they were finished. Shana had drawn a mustache, beard, and funny pictures all over Sesshomaru's face. Gabe had also drawn and written on his arms and chest then left his shirt open.
"Haha, gorgeous!" Gabe laughed.
"Yeah, he looks much better," Shana giggled.
"Both of you can fuck off," Sesshomaru said with a glare.
"You wish," Shana yawned. "Well, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. We can break your curse tomorrow."
"Whatever."
Little did the half-demons know they would be getting no sleep that night.
--
"Oh my god! Shut the fuck up!" Shana and Gabe screamed.
Sesshomaru was shouting at the top of his lungs, saying the dumbest and most random things he could think of. "Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" he asked loudly.
They tried throwing stuff at him but their efforts were in vain. It was going to be a long night.
Sesshomaru eventually stopped…an hour before sunrise. He went to go roam the halls as if he were a ghost…oh wait.
Shana and Gabe were ecstatic to watch him go and immediately fell asleep. It didn't last long though. As soon as the sun was up, Sesshomaru ran into their room, jumped on the bed, and screamed "Wake up!"
Shana quickly bolted upright while Gabe fell out of the bed. "Ow…" he whined. Then they both glared at Sesshomaru who was feigning a look of innocence.
"What?" the dog asked while cocking his head.
"Just wait until you're alive again," Shana said.
"You guys started it. I didn't ask for things like "balls" and "I'm a beast in bed" to be written on my face."
They giggled at that then straightened themselves up.
"Okay, if I'm to be returned to my body then we need to have a plan," Sesshomaru began.
"Why don't we search for the poe? That seems kind of obvious," Gabe said.
"Oh yes, because Japan is just filled with poes."
Gabe frowned.
"Well, do you have any better ideas, Woody?" Shana asked, defending her friend. Sesshomaru was silent. "Yeah, didn't think so. Okay, well…if he's a ghost then he'd probably be in some abandoned village."
"There's a deserted one a few miles north," Sesshomaru said. "It's practically a wasteland. It was raided by thieves."
"Perfect, let's start there then."
The three left the palace and started towards the north. The first village search was unsuccessful. They found nothing but a few weak demons hiding in the wreckage. They tried another village and came up empty-handed there too. Soon they stood on the outskirts of a third demolished town.
"Well, third time's the charm," Gabe said as they walked in.
They split up since this village was larger than the previous ones. Just as the half-demons were about to give up, they heard a loud crash. They took off in the direction of the sound and saw that a hut had collapsed. They saw white hair in the rubble and quickly pulled Sesshomaru out. It wasn't until after that they realized they actually pulled him out, pulled as in touching. You weren't supposed to be able to touch ghosts.
Sesshomaru was in a daze but soon snapped out of it. He looked at his hands in shock.
"Hey," Shana began. "You're not a-" Suddenly he changed back into a ghost. "Never mind."
"Damn it!" Sesshomaru shouted.
"How did that happen anyways?"
"I found the poe. As soon as he saw me he charged at me but I thought he'd just go through like everything else. Turns out I was mistaken. He tackled me and I flew into that hut. Somehow that unghostified me for a few moments."
"Unghostified? And here I thought you were somewhat of a smarty."
"What? Unghostified is a word."
"Yeah…mhm."
"Um, guys," Gabe said. "The poe found us."
The poe was staring right at them. Then it let out an animalistic cry and floated after them. They scrambled out of the way.
"Hey!" Gabe whispered to Sesshomaru. "Maybe if that thing hits you again then you'll be turned back for good."
"Crashing into a hut wasn't exactly fun," Sesshomaru told him.
"Try sneaking up on him and just touching him," Shana suggested before they moved out of the way of a ghostly spike.
"You half-breeds!" it roared. "You still have to pay for yesterday!" Then the thing ran after them.
Sesshomaru took advantage of the poe's nonexistent intelligence and crept behind him. As soon as he and the poe connected there was a bright light and crackling sound. Sesshomaru faded in and out of ghost form before being thrown back into some nearby bushes. It seemed to hurt the poe and it was left immobile for the moment. Shana and Gabe ran to where Sesshomaru was to see what happened to him.
He groaned as he sat up. "That didn't work but it still hurt."
"Maybe you should just let him attack you," Gabe told him. "Look, he's getting up now. Here's your chance."
"But if it didn't work the first time then why would it this time?"
"Maybe each time it builds up until it's enough to break the curse."
"Or maybe you just need to be hit really, really hard," Shana said.
Sesshomaru frowned. "But I don't want to be hit really, really hard."
"Do you want to stay like this then?"
"No…"
"Besides, I'm sure you've been attacked way worse before."
"Fine, I'll do it…"
"Good. Now go."
The poe looked immensely pissed and its eyes were locked on Sesshomaru. He floated over to him quickly (but if Sesshomaru weren't getting hit on purpose then he would have been able to dodge him) and smacked the dog across the face. Sesshomaru fell onto his back. He used the opportunity he had to use his light whip to hit the thing back. It wasn't enough to be fatal but the point of it was just to be like "take that, bitch!" He leapt up and ran a few feet away but was forced to stop. His foot and hakama got all entwined in a tree root.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he cursed. "How cliché!"
The poe was coming fast, an evil glint in his crazy googly eyes. Just as Sesshomaru turned ghostly again the poe jabbed a spike through his chest injuring him, making his body solid, and finally breaking the curse. Sesshomaru used what was left of his strength to melt the spike with his poison and cut the poe's head off. How's that for dramatic death, bitch! Panting, he closed his eyes and fell to the ground. He knew his wound wasn't fatal but it still hurt like hell. This is their fault. That poe wouldn't have come if they hadn't shown up.
Shana and Gabe ran to him. As soon as they were close enough, Sesshomaru mumbled "You twats" before blacking out.
"Should we feel bad?" Gabe asked. "I mean, if you think about it, the poe only came because of us."
"It's all of our fault," Shana told him. "Eh, I feel a little bad but he won't die."
"I do too…he called us twats. He's mad at us."
"He'll get over it. Come on, let's take him back to the palace."
--
He was shrouded in darkness. He didn't know where he was and he was in pain. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw two blurry figures.
"Who are you?" he mumbled confused.
"Um…it's me, Gabe, and Shana."
His eyesight cleared up and he was able to see them. He glared.
"Are you mad at us?"
"Well, if you guys hadn't shown up then that poe wouldn't have come and none of this would have happened!"
Gabe sighed while Shana stayed unusually quiet.
"I take that as a 'yes, I am' kinda thing then. Well…we took you to your healer demon guy and he said you'd be back to normal in a couple days. But damn was he surprised to see you alive!"
"If that's all then you two can leave."
"That's it? No thanks or goodbye? I know you're mad and all but…aw, fuck it. I'm sorry. It was not completely mine and Shana's fault but I'm sorry for the portion that was."
"…Thanks, Gabe." It was as hard for Sesshomaru to say thanks as it was for Gabe to apologize. The demon lord then turned his gaze to Shana.
"What?" she asked. Sesshomaru remained silent but kept staring. "You don't expect me to say it, do you? You're gonna be disappointed then, Woody." He didn't budge at all and she started to fidget a bit. "Okay, damn. I'm sorry." She said it all quickly in one breath.
Sesshomaru smiled. "Thanks, Shana."
"Yeah, yeah."
"You guys can stay if you want."
"Just until you're able to move on your own," Gabe said. "Then we have to find a way back home."
"Hn. I forgot that you aren't from here."
"Aw, you're gonna miss us! Don't worry, we'll miss you too. And we'll come back and visit. Won't we, Shana?"
"For sure," she said. "Haha, we aren't just so mean as to not visit our friend." She smirked at him.
"Oh boy," Sesshomaru sighed. "I can hardly wait…"
Ahaha, writing that was pretty enjoyable. I hope reading it was the same. ;D