NOTE: THIS IS A RESUBMISSION. Of a story I wrote in 2005. :D

Rating: K Plus (Language.)

WARNING: This guide will actually give you very little aid in conquering the world. Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams.

How to Name Your Game Console: A Handy Guide to World Domination

Ah…world domination. Throughout history, many have tried to achieve it, but all have failed, very miserably, and usually ended up dead and chopped into bits, or with a disgusting salad dressing named after them. Or both, if they were lucky. Nevertheless, you may sometimes find yourself wondering…surely there is a way to take gain power over the masses? To extend one's influence over the land? To be able to control at what times "The Andy Griffith Show" comes on?

Well, you're wrong! The only real way to achieve complete control over the world is to be God, you dumbass! However, you can come pretty damn close! How, you ask? Simple! All you have to do is become a multimillionaire and buy a large stock in the gaming industry, and poof!—you can control the minds of every eight-to-twenty-four-year-old in the United States. …But what's this, you say? You found Little Timmy in stuck in a well? …Er, I mean, you spent all your money on questionable activities? No problem! All you have to do is get a plastic milk carton, stuff some wires in it, and shazam!—you have a piece of crap you can illegally pass off as a gaming platform! Wow!

But wait just a darn-tootin' second!

Have you thought up an amazing name to give to your game system? No, you say? What! You fool! Don't you know that the name of the platform is what actually compels the gamer to buy it? If you come up with a terrible name, your plan of world domination can be kissed goodbye! But if you come up with a brilliant name…BAM!—YOU are in charge!

But, you ask…how on earth are you supposed to come up with this brilliant name? From where can you get these amazing powers? When can you stop asking yourself these stupid and meaningless questions?

Well, guess what? You just happened to have stumbled upon a handy guide that can give you this power! You lucky dog, you! Just follow the easy steps below, and you too can build an atomic bomb!

…I mean name a gaming console!

Now, before we get started, I would like to introduce my three wonderful assistants, who will be helping me as I write this guide!

…Mario!

Mario: Hi, I'm Nintendo's poster child! I'm over-promoted!

…Lui—er…L—…uh…Mario's Brother!

Luigi: I'm clinically depressed!

…And our special guest Link, from the popular Nintendo series The Legend of Zelda!

Link: …OOGA BOOGA HOOGA MOOOOGA!

…Ah…moving right along now…first you need to gather some necessary supplies, which are as follows:

A writing implement.

A piece of paper. Nice stationary with little roses is preferred, but the ones with the kittens and puppies and things are acceptable.

A brain of some form, or something similar.

A dead squirrel.

Now you have gathered the materials, you can begin your QUEST FOR CAMELOT. …World domination. Whatever.

The Five Easy Steps to Giving Your Game Console a Name So Remarkable You Can Take Over the World With It

Step 1: Eat a massive amount of sugar.

The glucose from the sugar will provide you with the energy you need to come up with a ridiculous name for your console, and will make you so delirious you'll think it's great!

Step 2: Blockade yourself in your room, so no evil spies from competing companies can steal the amazing name for your console.

This is where the dead squirrel comes in. Stand it up outside room so it looks like a rabid squirrel is guarding your door. Maybe give it an acorn to hold, or a little hat, or something, as to convince people it is real. Yes, that will work.

Step 3: Actually come up with the name.

Ah, here is the easiest step in the process! First, come up with a scientific-sounding or mathematical name. GamePentagon, Xsphere, Phagocyte, or Meiosis are all very intelligent-sounding names, and will make the gamer believe he or she is learning or something by buying your console. Next, you should add a number to the end of the name so that it will be "cutting edge" and "UB3R 1337 H4XXORZ." It shouldn't be just any number, but rather a number people feel familiar with, like 360 or 666.

Step 4: Sugar Crash

You passed out from a sugar low? You idiot! What were you thinking, eating all of that sugar?

Step 5: Buy a ticket to the North Pole.

Your parents are probably going to try and stop you from achieving your ultimate goal of world domination. They may say they're trying to help you by sending you to a mental institution, but don't believe them! They're only trying to steal your ideas! Therefore, escape as fast as you can to the North Pole. Don't worry; Santa Claus will be your friend!

So there you have it, kids. Now, let's check in with our special guests, and see what names they've come up with!

Luigi: My console's name is FunSquare 180!

Mario: My console's name is CylindricalFractal 3.1415Non-Terminating Decimal!

Luigi: Damn over-achiever!

…And how's Link doing?

Link: Mine's called Lucky Charms! (holds up cereal box)

…Hm.

So now you know how to give your game console a unique and snappy name! Go forth, young warrior, and blind people into submission with your awesome abilities! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!

…And don't do drugs, dammit!

NintendoCharactersAreAllCopyrightoftheNintendoCompanyAllRightsReservedPleaseDon'tFileALawsuitAgainstUsCuzISpentAllOfMyMoneyOnAGameBoyAdvanceNoSmallAnimalsWereHurtInTheMakingOfThisGuideOnlyPeopleWeHaveNothingToDoWithThoseUFOSightingsEither2005.

xxx

Thank you for reading.