I'm Not Just A Little Mouse

A/N: These are just some random thoughts that ran through Johnny's head as he died, and just to tell you when I wrote this I cried…Did anyone notice what I previously said rhymed? Hm, I did…..00;

Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders, but I do own a copy of The Outsiders…and just a question? Is S.E Hinton dead? Because I read a review on some person's fanfiction that she did…..Please tell me she didn't! :(

I'm not a little mouse….

At least I don't think I am…

I don't remember bein' so small all the time, you know? Now I feel like I'm Alice In Wonderland, it's like I'm looking down on myself, and everything in this cold lookin' room is changing sizes faster than I can see now…

Life just ain't fair, and I know it…once, when my dad was beating on me, he slammed me into the wall, and growled, "Life's tough get a helmet, kiddo."

It didn't make sense to me before, but now it sort of does…like, riding a bike or something, when you crash, and hit the pavement, you can feel the rusty blood, your own blood, poolin' around you and you can almost taste it as you die.

And it almost seems kinda funny now.

With everyone in the gang so worried about me, and my mom, damn her, actually trying to come see me….I don't want to see her. If she'd wanted to spend time with me, she could've stopped dad from hittin' me. Or maybe she just could have gotten an abortion when I was born, maybe they would be happier anyway.

I still don't know why after all this I keep calling them "mom" and "dad."

Once again, that's kinda funny.

I've always been the pet of the gang, and I'm sorry about it now…maybe if I coulda been more like Dally, tougher or somethin'…if I hadn't been such a softie, maybe I would have lived.

But what do I have to live for?

Those kids got lotsa people who'll love them and care for them, and when they grow up, they'll be somebody…Ponyboy's gonna be somebody, so is Darry, and so is Sodapop…they're all gonna be people who are real important, or loved…that's what those philosophers say is all we need to be happy.

Sometimes I still think of Cherry…

She was real pretty, like one of those girls you see in the movies…but she was different. It wasn't like she was made of cardboard and only had one side, she was angled…and curved…She was human, just like me and everybody else…

And you know what?

I think I still love her…but Ponyboy and Cherry make a real nice couple, and Cherry wouldn't want some dumb kid like me hanging around…even if Pony is younger than me, like I said, I'm the gang's little pet.

But still, sometimes, when I'm not funny from all of that junk medicine the doctor's are pumpin' into me, or when I'm not awake, thinking of the pain…when I dream, I still think Cherry might, deep down, well—you know…like me just a little?

Why do we have to fight? Useless…fighting's no good…it only makes people die, and be killed like I killed Bob…Gawd…I feel like someone should kick me into the street and kill me right now. But it isn't because I feel bad for Bob, no, he tried to kill Pony…

I feel so horrible for Cherry. I hate seeing girls cry…and especially her.

I wonder if I'll go to heaven? Or—maybe hell…? Maybe there aren't even places like that.

I don't know, I just feel so confused now, but even if I am…

I feel like I know the most I've ever known in my life.

And suddenly it all makes sense to me.