A/N: Originally posted on ao3 under the pen name youngjusticewriter. Part two of the Icarus series.
Edward's last two sentences are: 'Then there's something more important than that? Goodbye Fullmetal.'
Roy admittedly had the more beautiful words and Edward got the short end of the stick (besides being the one that's going to die). He knows he'll probably ended up dying while being a state alchemist, but what's important is that he gets Alphonse's body back first.
The snow crunches underneath their feet. Despite the months that have past he's still not use to the hollow clang that the armor makes when Al moves. (He hopes that he'll never have to; once he passes the test he'll be able to get his brother his body so he shouldn't have to get use to that sound.)
Nina's little frozen hands tug on his hand. The soaked glove does nothing to keep his flesh hand warm. But what had he been excepting when he came out for a break and ending up playing with Nina and her asshole of a dog?
"Big brother," Nina looks up at him with those big brown eyes of hers and he knows he's doomed (Ed is glad he only had a brother - girls are scary with how they can manipulate) "can you make us some hot chocolate?"
Edward's mouth grimaces in distaste. He's never seen the appeal of that stuff, of milk being mixed with cocoa powder, sugar and then being warmed up on the stove. But Nina keeps looks up at him with those puppy dog eyes of hers and well girls can be scary in the power they easily wield with their eyes much less when there's lachrymation involved.
"I'll make you deal," Ed tells her because like all the other kids (besides his brother and Winry whose just a mechanic nut instead of an "alchemy freak") Edward dealt with, Nina doesn't understand equivalent exchange. "I'll make you some hot chocolate if you promise to draw a letter for your mom instead of bugging me and Al."
Ed wouldn't have minded if she was bugging them when he was halfheartedly brushing up for the state exam but her dad's got this library. Tucker's alchemy is focused on chimeras; he's the sowing life alchemist. Edward would be a colossal idiot not to look into the man's library while he's staying here. Plus it's equivalent. Or least that's what Ed tells himself. Tucker got to put forth some more research to keep his job to keep Nina and himself from poverty. And Nina is just a kid - she doesn't comprehend that - she shouldn't have to, she already lost her mother because the woman had abandoned her family - so Ed's keeping her busy so therefor equivalent exchange. He doesn't mind. Not honestly when she reminds him of Al and Tucker reminds him of himself.
Edward grimaces as he wipes his boots off, snow being dug into the worn welcome mat. If he could change it he would. He'd allow Al to keep that stray kitten instead of convincing his baby brother they that didn't have the time to care for it with all the research they needed to do to get their mom back. And look what that had gotten them, Edward thought bitterly as he took off his coat and Al helped Nina out of hers. Edward stomped towards the kitchen not caring at how loud he was because Tucker was out.
It didn't take that long to dig through the pantry for the cocoa and sugar; there barely was anything to dig through.
By the time Ed had both the sugar and cocoa in his arms Nina, Al, and the filthy wet dog were in the kitchen too. Edward rolled his eyes but it was more for show than it was irration. He's learnt where ever Nina went Alexander went too. They were inseparable like him and Al. But then again with no mom, her dad busy with his studies, and alone in a big house was it really shocking?
After putting the ingredients on the counter Edward stripped his soaked gloves from his hands and got to work. Cooking was like alchemy. Comprehension from studying or in this case having watched his mom, deconstruction of several ingredients needed for the recipe, and then reconstruction into whatever you cooked. It was simple but not boring. Cooking was almost comforting to be honest.
Edward made a small single serving since he didn't like the stuff (unlike stew) and Al couldn't drink it. Once given the cup Nina started drinking it like she'd been in the dessert that separated Amestris from Xing.
"Brother I think you been a bad influence on Nina," Al teased him.
In exchange Edward, ever the mature older sibling, stuck his tongue out at him. Nina giggled at the sight. If Al could roll his eyes Edward was sure his younger brother would have. Once again a frown made itself home on Edward's face. There's silence for a while. It dragged on until Nina finished licking her finger that she'd stuck in the cup to get all its worth; smart kid, Edward thinks fondly. If she ever follows her dad's footsteps he's sure she'd make an amazing alchemist.
Suddenly Nina's tiny, cold fingers are sprayed across both his wrists. "You don't have any words," and she sounds happy at that.
That, along with making Edward tense because Al gets in a mood whenever the lack of arm and therefor soulmate words thing gets brought up, makes Ed's eyebrows scrunch up because that's not the normal reaction to his situation. Not that Edward cares unlike most of the superstitious populace of their great country.
"I did," Ed said, and he felt dumb and awkward like some other (normal) kid would be. Edward wasn't like other kids though (he couldn't be).
Nina's head kinda just falls a bit forward in the air, her brown bangs hiding her big eyes from his. She projecting this sad puppy feeling and it makes something twist in Edward's stomach. Maybe he's grown closer to the kid than he's admitted unlike all the other kids he's met and dealt with.
(Maybe he's come to like it that she calls him big brother and allows him to braid her hair.)
"Our mom didn't," he offers a small smile as an olive branch despite the subject. He doesn't want her to cry. Not just because he's not good at girls crying (unlike his brother) but because girls cry when they're hurting and he doesn't want Nina to hurt.
"and she loved our dad until the end," Ed finishes. Whatever rightful feelings Edward has for his father the thing is his mom had loved him. Not to sound girly but Edward didn't want to live in a world without love because that would be a world without not just his mom but Alphonse too. And in Ed's opinion that would be a stupid and miserable lonely world to live in.
Later, he decides, when she's older he'll tell her that any one who thinks on her lack of words matter can shove it. And honestly it shouldn't matter. Edward just doesn't understand the appeal of the last words you're so called soulmate will say to you before one of you kicks the bucket. You'll only get to know your other half before you die and that's just so sick. And stupid and a whole lot of other things too but he's tired from losing to Alphonse who cheated at their snowball fight.
[\]
Later, the words on Tucker's wrist ('I want to die' are the last two sentences) mock Edward. If he'd only been smarter - faster. He'd suspected something but still Ed hadn't gotten Nina away. He should have; he should have; he should have and now there's blood on wall and there's no one there to stop him from hurting (from wanting to cry).
Edward claps his hands. He presses - no, he digs his palms into the blood and harshness of the wall of the building in the alley way Nina was murdered at. Both happens.
Something had creeped up in Edward's throat that makes it hard for him to shallow (to breathe). Tears and rain fall onto the cement as Edward mumbles his apologies (because she wouldn't be dead if he hadn't interfered - she wouldn't be a chimera if he only been smart enough to get away from her father) as he keeps clapping pushing into the unyielding, ruff wall. There's blood - her blood - on his gloves and it keeps growing, keeps staining.
"It's no use, kid." Despite the heavy sound of rain Edward can hear the Colonel's even tone. He makes a sound of anger and for the first time in his life Edward feels something akin to hatred for someone who isn't his father.
He's not stupid. He knows he can't bring her back just like he knows what would happen if he did. But if absolutely nothing matters than all he does is what matters.
"You can't go around trying to bring everything that dies on you back to life, Edward. It's not possible, and it's not healthy. Anyway, who would you be helping, bringing a malformed chimera back to life?"
It shouldn't surprise him that the bastard doesn't care. Even though Ishvalans started the war - it was Ed's military (the military he willingly joined) was the one to murder children. With eyes that should belong on a corpse instead of a boy, Edward can't help but look at the man before him and wonder if he's killed children like all those hushed conversations his mom use to have with Granny about the war would suggest.
His jaw clenches, teeth grinding in anger. Both his hands curl into themselves but only one has nails that dig painfully into his palm.
"It's an ugly world, and from here on out, it's only going to get uglier on the path you've chosen. Just be thankful it wasn't you and get on with your life."
Never mind feeling something synonymous towards hatred for the bastard. Ed did hate the bastard.
"Get on with my life?" Edward screamed, not to be heard over the rain but because he needed to, and there's something hysteric in his voice as well as anger.
"There's a reason you became a State Alchemist, right?"
Despite the churning emotions in him, Edward knows the bastard has a point and it makes him more angry. Despite the cold rain pouring down Edward felt as if he's over heating because of the anger he's feeling.
"It's up to the Investigations Department now. Step aside."
The moment the bastard lets go of his hand Ed runs out of the alley not caring if his brother is following him or that Central isn't Resembool. Edward just doesn't care (except that's a lie, Edward feels like he going to die because he cares too much and it hurts - please make it stop). Not even of the fact he doesn't have a single idea of where he's going. All that matters is that he keeps running - keeps using the legs Winry made for him and moving forward even if it kills him (least he'll be with Nina and mom).