A/N: I'm getting there! Again, I should be caught up before the finale airs so I'll be posting tonight and again this week. I loved this episode and it was great to see the twins again although the parallels killed me. Enjoy the tag!
Dean knows that look. It's the look of pure grief that only ever manifests when your whole reason for living has been brutally, terribly ripped away, leaving a gaping wound that won't seem to close. Max cries over Alicia's body, mumbling reassurances and pleas for her to come back, and suddenly Dean's back in Cold Oak with mud staining his jeans and Sam dead in his arms. Only this time Sam's stood next to him, guilt written all over his face as he watches Max, and Dean knows what he's thinking because he thought those exact same things in Cold Oak all those years ago.
I should have been faster
I should have done something
I should have saved them
I should be dead
Dean also knows that these thoughts will drive a person to insanity if left to fester, and God knows Sam feels guilty enough anyway - somehow the kid manages to blame himself for everything under the sun - so Dean takes his brother by the arm and leads him out, leaving Max alone to grieve.
They wait for him, and when Max joins them outside half an hour later with red rimmed eyes and shaking hands Dean wants nothing more than to be able to turn back the clock and reverse everything that happened tonight. They had been a loving, happy family despite knowing what lived in the shadows, and Max had just lost everyone he loved in the span of a few hours. He gives Max the same bullshit speech Bobby gave him after Sam died about burning the body but he's not surprised when Max rejects it because he did the same thing.
He's no stranger to the anger in Max's gaze and he's certain it's the same look he gave Bobby when he told him to go. He doesn't want to leave the kid here to burn the bodies by himself as he's not one hundred percent certain that Max will follow through (you didn't, did you?) but he knows from experience that sometimes being alone is best so he and Sam turn to go, leaving yet another broken family in their wake.
The journey back to the Bunker is mostly silent as each brother processes the events of the night and mourns for another friend lost. Sam stares resolutely out the window and Dean wishes he could say something that would make his brother stop blaming himself for Alicia's death. Sam's a stubborn son of a bitch though, and once he's got an idea in his head, well, good luck trying to get it out.
"You okay?" Dean tries, not expecting a response. Sam sighs and shifts in his seat.
"I should have done something," he mutters and Dean has to resist rolling his eyes because that's just so very Sam, and he hates that that phrase has pretty much become Sam's mantra over the years.
"Sam-"
"We shouldn't have left Max alone; who knows what he might do?" Sam pauses for a second then starts as if something occurred to him. "Hey, what happened to the ring?"
A couple of seconds pass as Dean debates what to tell his brother. "I left it," he eventually confesses, hoping that maybe this would alleviate some of Sam's guilt.
"What?" Sam's sitting up now, turned to face Dean full on. "Dean, Max might-"
"Yeah, he might," Dean cuts in, glancing across at Sam. "Hell, he probably will. But it's not my call to make, and I'd be a hypocrite if I told him what to do and what not to do. It's not like I haven't done the same thing."
"But Max could still have a life," Sam protests. "This way he's just dooming himself."
"No, he couldn't. I lasted a day before making my deal. And you tried when I went to Hell, you told me so. You said if it hadn't been for Ruby you-" Dean stops himself there because he does not want to open up that can of worms and clears his throat awkwardly before continuing. "Point is, we were barely able to function without each other, so how could we expect Max to?" He looks over at Sam again and sees resignation and, you guessed it, guilt cross over his face. Sam sighs and turns back to the window.
"I guess," he mumbles, then rests his head back and closes his eyes, making it clear he's done talking. An uneasy silence fills the car, but within another half hour Sam's breaths have evened out and Dean sighs in relief - he had been certain Sam wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. That doesn't stop him from checking on his little brother every few minutes though, because seeing him so still only reminds him further of Cold Oak, but, no, Sam is alive and breathing next to him, right where he should be.
And Dean knows he shouldn't be, but maybe he is a little bit relieved that for once, just once, it wasn't them who paid the price, and it's not them who has to mourn over a sibling lost.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed that! I had planned this to be from Sam's POV, but Dean's kind of took over and I quite like how it turned out. Please leave a review if you have a moment! Bye!