Chapter 1
"I hate you!" Beca was certain she would never stop hearing Chloe's enraged declaration. It followed her everywhere, refusing to give her a moment of peace. Desperate to distance herself from her best friend, or perhaps former best friend, she moved in with her father and his Step-Monster wife, legally named Shelia. She had given her father a vague explanation about being tired of living with immature women who were incapable of cleaning, respecting privacy, or simply being quiet. Dr. Mitchell was so unabashedly willing to see it as a peace offering that he didn't bother to question her further.
The truth, which she would never tell him, was she had ruined her friendship with Chloe, possibly breaking the redhead's heart, and definitely breaking her own. Dr. Mitchell didn't know the extent of her relationship with Chloe. Nor did he know about her bisexuality. She wasn't entirely sure how much she knew about it herself since it only seemed to exist around Chloe. Regardless, she wasn't ready to tell him. Their father-daughter relationship had improved since she came to Barden but she still wasn't ready to discuss her personal life or feelings, a trait she inherited from him.
Even if she were willing to have such a personal conversation with her father, she would not be able to articulate feelings that she didn't understand. It would be impossible to explain the way her heart ached every time Chloe wordlessly passed her the Bellas' house. The redhead made a point to never be in the same room with Beca for longer than a couple seconds, and even for that brief moment she refused to look at her. The unbearable pain had forced Beca to move out after two days of stomach twisting, heart-wrenching silence.
Beca knew that Chloe's avoidance of her was reasonable, and entirely her own fault. She had seen Chloe and another girl kissing in the quad and it made her stomach queasy. Driven by jealousy, anger, and fear of her own feelings, she furiously barged into Chloe's room, verbally attacking her, accusing her of being dishonest and willing to make out with or have sex with everyone. Chloe had tried to respond many times, each attempt being interrupted by Beca's irrational screaming. The only complete sentence Chloe had been able to express was the anguished cry of hatred that ended Beca's tirade. Beca had left without responding, the bedroom door rattling from the force she used to slam it upon her exit. They hadn't spoken since.
Chloe was right to hate her. She hated herself. Not only had she said unforgivable things to Chloe, but she had made the obnoxiously bubbly redhead yell. Chloe had never yelled at her, or likely anyone, with such intensity. Not even when they had fought over Beca's internship during the retreat. She doubted Chloe had ever even said "I hate you" to another person.
Casually having sex, which was the driving force behind Beca's outburst, had been her own idea. Jesse had broken up with her and Chloe had been there to comfort her, constantly offering hugs, rubbing her back, and holding her until she fell asleep. At the next hood party, while drunkenly dancing to a rap song about sex, Beca suggested they sleep together. She made it clear after that alcohol-induced first time that she wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and wanted to remain discreet. It would be strictly physical, no feelings and no discussions with each other or anyone else. Chloe hadn't objected. Beca assumed that meant Chloe didn't have feelings for her, so she resolved to ignore her own. Taking advantage of the body Chloe offered made her feel guilty, but she couldn't stop. Her feelings for Chloe were confusing, but rather than analyze them she chose to pretend they didn't exist. She was undoubtedly the worst, most selfish, hypocritical, inconsiderate best friend that ever existed. She didn't deserve to have Chloe in her life.
Jesse had cryptically told her that he felt her heart wasn't in their relationship. He refused to elaborate and she hadn't understood what he meant until she saw Chloe kissing someone else. Suddenly, she knew exactly where her heart was, in her stomach at that particular moment. She also knew who it was with, despite her adamant internal denials. Unfortunately, she was ill-equipped to handle emotions so intense. Instead, she reacted poorly, hurting Chloe and ensuring that the redhead would never return her feelings. It was her defense mechanism, courtesy of her father's genes.
After moving to her father's home Beca did her best to distract herself. She went to class and her internship, but not Bellas practice. They could go to Worlds without her. While at home she forced herself to sit at the kitchen counter with her laptop and headphones. She had no desire to interact with her father or Sheila, but the kitchen provided enough distraction to block out the "I hate you!" that echoed relentlessly in her mind.
Three days after she moved in, five days after the explosive fight with Chloe, she was at the counter, headphones on, head bobbing to a beat when her dad tapped her shoulder. She turned to him and saw Cynthia Rose, Stacie, and Fat Amy hovering in the kitchen archway. She immediately set the headphones on the counter and stood from the stool, anxiously waiting for one of them to speak first.
Foregoing a greeting Fat Amy reached behind Cynthia Rose and yanked Chloe out by the arm, causing the redhead to stumble forward. Fat Amy placed a hand between Chloe's shoulder blades and shoved her a few steps toward Beca.
Chloe's eyes were wide, her shoulders hunched, and for a second Beca thought she looked scared. Before Beca could react to Chloe's presence Fat Amy spoke, "She's being a right bitch. You two need to sort your shit."
"She's killing us at practice." Cynthia Rose added. Stacie nodded.
Chloe looked around the room, her body twisting with the movement, clearly looking for an escape. She finally huffed and stated, "I didn't want to be here."
Beca's mind was struggling to make a decision. She could apologize to Chloe, beg for forgiveness, possibly admit her feelings. But, they had an audience and Beca wasn't ready to air her personal life in front of them.
"Can we talk alone?" Beca requested.
The Bella's grumbled as they left the room. Her father stood for a second longer, shock displayed predominately on his face. He cast a perplexed glance at Beca before also leaving.
"Stacie told me we were going shopping," Chloe explained, her eyes looking at the refrigerator to Beca's left.
"We can't ignore each other forever." Beca reasoned.
Chloe made a humph sound but offered no response.
"I'm sorry for what I said and how I acted." Beca said sincerely.
"You acted like a drunk, abusive boyfriend in a bar." Beca grimaced at the word abusive. Chloe obviously wasn't ready to forgive.
"I'm sorry."
"You didn't even let me speak! You just attacked me." Chloe's voice was shaking with anger, "You basically said I was a slut and didn't even let me defend myself."
"I was wrong to do that."
Chloe looked directly into Beca's eyes now, the rage radiating, "I can't be with someone that behaves that way. Not even casually."
Beca nodded, "I don't want to be someone that treats you that way. You deserve better. It's just when you kissed her my mind-"
"I didn't kiss her!" Chloe shouted, abruptly cutting off Beca's sentence.
"You did!" Beca matched the volume in Chloe's voice, "I saw it."
"You saw her kiss me. I didn't return it."
"You didn't pull away."
"No," Chloe lowered her voice, "Not right away."
Needing something to do with her hands, Beca slammed the lid on her laptop, causing Chloe to flinch.
Neither girl spoke for a few seconds, avoiding eye contact as they processed their thoughts.
"It was nice," Chloe stated, "Someone was interested in me."
"What does that mean? I'm not interested?" Beca snapped, "Someone is always interested in you. You could be kissing people all day."
"At least they would kiss me in public." Chloe's body leaned forward at the waist in an aggressive stance, her hands on her hips.
"Oh my God!" Beca yelled in frustration as she threw her hands in the air.
"Yeah!" Chloe rolled her eyes, "Someone that isn't ashamed of me. I wouldn't have to pretend to be best friends with her."
"You really are my best friend! And I am not ashamed of you."
"Who knows we're together? Huh?" Chloe held her hands out to the side as if daring Beca to answer the question.
"We're not together!" Tears welled in Beca's eyes.
"No?" Chloe screamed, tears rolling down her cheeks, "We're just fucking?" Beca cringed at the swear word, struck by the harshness of it coming from someone that never used such language. She focused her attention on the counter as Chloe continued, "Secretively fucking because you're a coward and I mean nothing to you! I'm just a way to get over Jesse, right? So what should you care who I kiss? I'm not yours! You sure as hell don't care about me."
"Chloe," Beca sounded chastised, the anger suddenly vanishing, "I...That's not..." The words wouldn't come so Beca gave up and rubbed her hands over her face, wiping away the tears that were clinging to her eyelashes.
Chloe exhaled loudly and turned her back to Beca, looking to the ceiling in an attempt to stop the tears.
"You never said it bothered you," Beca spoke tentatively, "I didn't know."
Chloe spun around to face Beca again, her eyes narrowed in anger, but her voice calmer, "Why should I have to say it? How could you not know how much I care about you?"
"I do know." Beca took a breath as Chloe shook her head, "I just... You agreed to it. I thought you were okay with it."
"Beca, I would agree to jump off a bridge for you." Chloe paused to blink away tears, "But, you don't know anything. You're not just my best friend." She paused again to allow her pulse to slow down, "I can't do this anymore. This... us," she waved her hand between herself and Beca, "was never just a fling to me." Her voice cracked, "I thought I could do it, but it's too hard. I can't be your secret or your experiment or whatever. It hurts too much."
Beca finally dared to met Chloe's tear-filled eyes. She opened her mouth to respond but Chloe held up her hand. With a shake of her head, the redhead turned and left the kitchen, the front door opening seconds later. Beca heard the Bellas footsteps cross the floor as they followed Chloe, the front door closing behind them.
Beca bent over, her hand clutching her stomach as she released a gasping breath, her body shuddering with sobs, her tears dripping onto the tiled floor. The fear of losing Chloe overwhelmed her. It was enough to make her drop her pride, straighten her body and run to the front door, barely pausing to fling it open as she ran outside.
Cynthia Rose was holding the rear car door open for Chloe and Stacie. In front of it Chloe was pressed into Stacie's side, her shoulders shaking and her face hidden in Stacie's neck.
"Chloe!" This time the scream was from desperation, not anger. Beca jumped over the steps, ignoring the stinging pain of her bare feet hitting the gravel.
"Chloe," Beca stopped near the redhead, noticing Stacie's arm tighten around her. Cynthia Rose stepped next to Beca, ready to physically move her away from Chloe if necessary. "Chloe, please," Beca spoke to the back of Chloe's head, "I said all the wrong things."
Chloe's hand grabbed the back of Stacie's shirt into a fist as her sobs increased. Stacie glared at Beca as she stroked Chloe's hair, causing Beca to squirm in discomfort.
"Beca, you've done enough." Fat Amy appeared next to Cynthia Rose, presumably from the driver's seat although Beca hadn't noticed her before.
"Wait. Just let me say it," Beca looked through blurry, tearful eyes at the three Bellas standing guard around Chloe. After she was sure they wouldn't stop her she continued, "I care about you. I do. I'm sorry I didn't say it. I'm sorry I let you think I don't. You mean everything to me." Beca reached a hand toward Chloe, then jerked it back, suddenly aware that she may no longer be welcome to touch her. The realization stung.
Chloe sniffed as she lifted her head from Stacie's neck. She used Stacie's shirt to wipe her eyes before turning to face Beca, holding her head high in defiance of her shattered heart.
"I mean it," Beca spoke softly now, but her voice was hurried, anxious to get the words out, "You were never a fling, or an experiment, or a band-aid after Jesse, or whatever terrible thing you thought. I love you. I was scared to say it, but I do."
Chloe looked at Stacie for a second, then she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm her erratic breathing. The tears had subsided, leaving her with red eyes and splotchy cheeks. She opened her eyes and stepped away from Stacie, careful to keep distance between herself and Beca. Her blue eyes were shining with pain and vulnerability, contradicting the cold voice she spoke with, "I'm supposed to just forgive you now?"
Beca shook her head. They stood in silence for a few unnerving seconds before Beca spoke, "I was horrible to you. You're right, I'm a coward. I was scared to face my feelings, and I hurt you. I'm a shitty person."
"You were exceptionally shitty to me." Chloe agreed.
"I'll tell you I'm sorry for the rest of my life. Please," Beca begged now, "I love you."
"I've loved you for years." Chloe responded bitterly, "And I would have never hurt you because of it."
No one spoke again. Beca chest was heaving as she struggled to breathe. Chloe maintained a mixed expression of anger and pain. Fat Amy's shoes crunched on the gravel as she stepped next to Beca, placing a hand on her shoulder. It was meant to be reassuring, but it deflated Beca. She turned to walk back to the house, now feeling every stone as it dug into the soles of her feet. She heard Fat Amy call for her to wait but she didn't. She walked through the still open door and took the stairs to her room. Her eyes and throat were burning, her chest felt like an anchor was sitting on it, and her brain was throbbing from the overwhelming volume of emotions it was trying to process. She laid on her bed and cried herself to sleep.