There were a handful of reasons why Yuri Plisetsky often thought that life would be better if he simply offed himself. It wasn't a happy thought, but it was a relieving one. He had the power to make his shitty life stop. A nice razor blade to the wrist, maybe jumping off the roof of the skating rink or maybe taking a walk in the woods during a lovely blizzard would solve many of his problems.
Firstly, he would no longer have to suffer through the hell that was Victor and Katsudon's constant public displays of affection. Every time he turned around they were making out in the locker room, playing grabass on the ice or footsie under the table at lunch. After a long day of practice and training they cuddled while watching movies or reading and it was beyond disgusting. Yuri had come to stay with them after the GPF at the Japanese man's insistence. He'd agreed under protest, and every day he realized than he should have put up more of a fight. It was only a matter of time before he caught them actually doing it and Yuri knew that that would be the day he took that nice walk into a blizzard and never came back.
Secondly, he would no longer have to worry about repressing his inappropriate feelings for Otabek. They were just friends, dammit, and Yuri's weird urges to pet his hair or sit in his lap were absolutely driving him bonkers. He wasn't even sure Beka was into dudes, much less dudes like Yuri who had the wrong kind of plumbing. He knew that he had been insanely lucky in keeping his trans status under wraps, only a handful of people knew and if anyone else suspected it hadn't hit the media yet. Yakov knew, in kind of an abstract way. Victor and Katsudon knew in a real way because they had bought his last binder for him at Christmas. Beka did not know, and there would never be a reason for Yuri to tell him because they would never be anything more than friends. Yuri would continue to fantasize about shooting himself every time he found himself mesmerized by Beka's unreasonably perfect ass.
Thirdly, it would end the miserable cramps and the gross things that were happening with his crotch right now. As Yuri had gotten older, his periods had gotten worse and worse to the point that he could barely function. He had always been irregular, but as an athlete that in and of itself wasn't too alarming. Lots of women with low body fat had irregular cycles, or sometimes none at all. The pain that had crept up on him, however, was a whole different thing. The intense cramps and back pain interfered with his skating so much that Yakov had noticed, although Yuri was pretty sure he just thought his student had a stomach bug. He had endured practice this morning after downing a handful of ibuprofen that barely took the edge off, and he just had to pretend he was fine.
Yuri was not fine.
How did women do this? He knew that women got cramps, but they ate some chocolate and went on with their lives. He didn't see Mila taking a week off every month so she could lay around and be miserable. He didn't see them throwing up, or having weird back spasms, or crying because they had to get up and take a shower. (Not that Yuri cried; he was a manly man in spite of his vagina. Ok maybe he sniffled a little on his way to the bathroom because of the stabbing pain in his lower back but that in no way constituted crying.) Yuri had come to the conclusion that either normal women had a ridiculously high tolerance for pain, or they didn't actually hurt this much and there must be something wrong with him. Unfortunately, there was no one he could ask to find out. He certainly couldn't ask Mila, she didn't know about his plumbing problem and he wasn't about to let that cat out of the bag.
Luckily, no one paid much attention if Yuri had the occasional bad day. The first two days were always the worst, but after that he would have a return to a reasonable level of occasional cramps and normalcy. Thing was, it was worse this time than last time, and it had been worse last time than it had been the time before that. It was soon going to reach a point where he wasn't going to be able to get out of bed, and that was a humiliation he couldn't face. Even now he was wracking his brain for some excuse to explain why he was curled up in a little ball on the couch, shivering in misery. Katsudon had given him a side-eye earlier, but hadn't said anything.
He'd made it through practice in a haze, taking two bad falls but fortunately pretty numb to Yakov's ranting anyway. His ass was going to be black and blue in a few hours. Victor had marched him home and told him he should do his school work (Yuri was homeschooled, which Yakov was technically in charge of but was actually useless) but every time he tried to look at a worksheet his vision started to black out at the edges. So he took another handful of ibuprofen and huddled on the couch while Victor took Makkachin for a run. He heard the door open and close, either Victor returning or Katsudon getting back with food. He tensed up as a new wave of cramps hit, thankful for the fuzzy green blanket covering his face. He ought to get up and go sit in a very hot bath for a while, but he couldn't let the lovesick twerps he lived with see him spending that much time in the bathroom.
The smell of Chinese food hit him, followed shortly by a wave of nausea. Wonderful. He pulled the blanket off his face and prepared to run for the nearest trash can if need be, when he saw a flash of black hair and glasses peering down at him. Ugh. His eyes traveled to the door that led to the apartment's balcony, and he briefly entertained the idea of throwing himself off it. They were on the sixth floor, so it was unlikely he would survive. The pain would end, his obsession with Beka's eyelashes would end, and he would never have to catch his roommates fucking. All of his problems would be solved, and if the skating world was scandalized by Yuri's suicide at least he himself wouldn't be around to give a fuck what anyone thought.
"Are you okay?" asked the older Yuuri, concern written all over his face. "I know you fell this morning, do you need an ice pack?"
"No, I'm fine."
(He was not fine.)
"You don't look fine. Want some lo mein?"
Yuri ignored the proffered container of Chinese takeout. "No."
"Do you want some Advil?"
"I already took like twenty, leave me alone." He pulled the blanket back over his face as a fresh wave of pain hit, and he instinctively pulled his legs up tighter to his chest. He heard the other man moving around, grateful to be ignored for a few minutes until something smacked him in the shoulder. "What the fuck, Katsudon?"
"I brought you a heating pad, because you are clearly having a problem." Yuri pulled the blanket away to find Katsudon on the floor, reaching to plug the device into the wall. "I can guess you don't want to talk about it, but you can't just lay here and suffer."
"Of course I can, so fuck off."
"I am not going to fuck off. Why don't you let me take you to the doctor?"
"No."
"Yuri, this is not normal. You need to see somebody about it. I won't go in with you if you don't want me to, but you can't continue like this."
"It's normal for me, and it's under control." Actually, Yuri had suspected for a while that this wasn't normal but again, had no one he could ask about it. And anyway, how would Katsudon know? "It's not like you've got a uterus, so what do you know?"
"You're right, I don't." Yuuri sighed, "But I do have a mom and a sister and a female best friend back home, and this doesn't happen to them." He made a circular motion at Yuri, indicating his entire current situation. "They don't take entire bottles of medicine, they don't stop eating, they don't get to the point of not being able to function. That's where you are at, Yuri. You would normally be out for a run or going to the ballet studio this afternoon, not lying here in a ball of rage and misery."
"It's fine, I'll do all those things tomorrow."
"You fell today, and I'm sure it's because you were in cramping. What if that happens during a competition?"
"Tch, it won't."
The door opened, admitting Victor and Makkachin. Yuri stiffened, waiting for the drooling mutt to jump on him, but it didn't happen. He heard the rustle of fabric, footsteps, soft voices, and had almost managed to lull himself into a tense doze when the blanket was yanked off him. He squawked in rage and grabbed for it back, but mostly wound up just flailing ineffectually at Victor. The silver haired man hauled him up by his arms to sit upright and dropped a pair of cheetah print sneakers at his feet. Yuri blinked at him blearily, scowling.
"Put your shoes on, Yuuri is going to take you to the doctor." Victor ordered in sharp Russian.
"Nyet." Yuri snapped, and grabbed for the blanket. Victor dangled it out of his reach, grabbing his chin roughly in the other hand and forcing him to look up.
"You fell twice today because of this. If you break a hip, your career will be over."
"Like how yours is?"
Victor let him go, but didn't give him the blanket back. It was an exaggeration; Victor probably had several seasons ahead of him, in spite of being past the age where most competitive skaters retired. Yuri knew he was being a shithead, but really didn't have the capacity to care. He collapsed back onto the couch, bending over double with his feet tucked under him. There was quiet for a moment, and then Victor was dragging him up again and Yuri didn't have the energy in him to fight.
"Yura, I know you are hurting and I don't want to fight you. So you have two choices: either you let Yuuri take you to the doctor or I will call Nikolai and he will come pick you up and take you."
"You are not going to stress out my Grandpa with this!" Yuri hissed, shoving Victor's hands away.
"Then put your shoes on, I've already called the sports medicine clinic and they can see you for this so you don't have to meet a new doctor for it."
Yuri buried his face in his hands and groaned audibly as another cramp came on and his muscles contracted in agony. Hopefully Victor would think he was just venting his anger. Someone was talking, but for a handful of seconds the blood pounding in his ears drowned it out. When he could breathe again Katsudon was tying his shoes for him and Victor was pulling his sweaty hair into a ponytail. He squawked again as he was scooped into Victor's arms and carried down the stairs, struggling fruitlessly and cursing in Russian.
"Stop squirming, kitten, I may drop you and break some of your tiny little bird bones."
"Fuck you, you balding has-been, I just want to die in peace!"
"Well, as the adults in this situation it is our responsibility to make sure you die with as much annoyance and pestering as possible."
Minutes later they were parked in front of the clinic, just Yuri and Yuuri. Victor had stayed behind to allegedly clean the apartment, but Yuri secretly knew it was because he was afraid of being punched the second he let his guard down.
"I know you're mad, and I'm sorry." Katsudon offered as they got out of the car. "But we need to take this seriously, it's already affecting your skating and what if it hits at the finals? No one wants to win because you flubbed a jump due to cramps, ok?"
"Whatever piggy, leave me alone."
There was no wait in the clinic, so they were shown to the exam room within a couple of minutes. Yuri sat on the table and played with his phone, deliberately ignoring the adults in favor of focusing on not reaching for the nearest scalpel and slitting his own wrists. It would definitely be the easy way out, but he wasn't sure that Victor or Katsudon would feed his cat if he were gone. Maybe he could make arrangements for Beka to do it?
Since Yuri refused to speak, Katsudon spent about ten minutes discussing his observations of Yuri's symptoms in English with the doctor. She took some notes and explained possible causes, tried to ask Yuri questions, was ignored, and finally decided to give him a referral to an ob/gyn. In the meantime, though, she offered a couple of shots to relieve the symptoms. Yuri wanted to refuse, but he also wanted to be able to go to practice tomorrow, so he grudgingly let himself be injected with who knows what crap before stomping off back to the car. On the way out he heard Katsudon telling the receptionist not to refer to Yuri as "she" and some of his anger instantly deflated. The piggy bastard was just doing what he always did, being stupidly nice and trying to help.
Yuuri joined him in the car a few minutes later, with a paper bag and a handful of paperwork. The ride back was quiet, the elder no doubt stuck in some kind of awkward silence and the younger in a haze of pain and nausea. The elevator was blessedly empty as they came up, which was maybe the one good thing that had happened today because Yuri didn't know if he could have climbed the stairs. Maybe he could have gotten halfway up and thrown himself down them, though, that would improve his situation. The funny thing about constantly thinking about suicide was that it made him want to do it less. He'd wondered about that for years, and decided maybe it had something to do with feeling like he was in control of his life. He had a plan, he could do it anytime he wanted, and today he simply chose not to because he could.
It was the same thing he was saying to Yakov all the time. I do what I want, bitch.
Inside the apartment, Yuri was surprised to find that Victor actually had spent the intervening hour cleaning. It was kind of nice, not that Yuri cared enough to say so. He went to the bathroom to check himself. Ironically, in spite of all the pain it cause he wasn't really bleeding that much. Returning, he curled up in his same spot on the couch, dragged the fuzzy blanket over him, and tried to breathe through the pain in his back. Katsudon shook his shoulder a few minutes later, offering him two white pills and a bottle of water. That must have been what was in the white bag.
"What is that?" he asked, taking the water and eyeing the pills.
"These are stronger pain relievers, weren't you listening? She said you could alternate these with the ibuprofen every couple of hours." Katsudon dropped the pills into his hand.
"If this is pain reliever, what the hell did she shoot me up with?" Yuri swallowed the pills, figuring it couldn't hurt. Obviously the ibuprofen alone wasn't doing the job, so it was worth a shot.
"One was a strong muscle relaxer, and the other was a long-acting birth control."
"BIRTH CONTROL? I am not some kind of slutty girl who-"
Katsudon waved his hands, stopping the tirade. "No, no, she gave it to you because in about 80% of people it stops their cycle completely. It lasts for three months, and you might not have another period. You'll just go back and get another shot four times a year. Not a bad deal, right?"
Yuri tried to find a downside, and couldn't. "Okay."
Katsudon put the blanket back over him and Yuri resigned himself to lying here for the rest of the afternoon. Somehow the pain retreated enough for him to fall into a light sleep, but he could hear Victor talking softly.
"I think that muscle relaxer hit him pretty hard. Did you tell the doctor how he tenses up and holds his breath every few minutes? It looks awful."
"She said it's most likely he's got a thing called endometriosis," he heard the man's fiance reply, "which is a reproductive disorder that causes really intense cramps, back and stomach pain, nausea, upset stomach, and eventually sterility. There are two treatment options: that birth control shot she gave him, and a hysterectomy."
"He'll probably go for the surgery in the long term, but now's not the time."
"Right, he'd be off the ice for a minimum of eight weeks so now the shot is the better option. We got a referral to another doctor to confirm it and talk about long-term treatment. In the meantime, she gave him a shot of muscle relaxers and these pain pills. She said he'd probably sleep a lot for the next 24 hours, and he can take ibuprofen and use a heating pad for his back."
"That's easy enough. Will the birth control make him gain weight? I always hear Mila complaining about having to diet because of hers."
"She said it might, but he gets a lot of exercise so probably not. The bigger risk is to his bone density."
"WHAT? That is not okay, he already looks like he might break if you breathe on him!"
"Calm down, love. The amount of exercise he gets is good for that too. She said he needs some extra calcium and vitamin D, so we can just drag him out for ice cream more often. Plus, this is a trial run. He might be in the 20% that still have periods, so maybe he won't want to take it again."
"Well, if he can avoid any more days like today that's an improvement at least. He looked like shit last night, too. I think he even threw up."
"I know. Should we put him in his bed?"
"No, you said that muscle relaxer was pretty strong so he should stay where we can watch him."
Stupid grown-ups, all the time acting like he couldn't take care of himself. Yuri dozed back off thinking petulant thoughts, both hands fisted in the blanket.
He was woken many hours later by a powerful cramp. It wasn't like it had been this morning, but it was enough to make him jerk awake, pulling a fistful of his own hair in a pathetic attempt to use more pain to distract himself.
Another hand pried his fingers away from his head. "Don't pull your hair, kitten."
Yuri raised his head and looked around. He wasn't on the couch anymore, he was in the recliner cuddled up to Katsudon, who was sound asleep against him. What. The. Fuuuuck.
The confusion on his face must have shown. Victor was standing over him with a bottle of water and a medicine bottle, saying "Don't you remember earlier? You came over here to snuggle him on your own. You also said some very sweet things to Yuuri, it was adorable!"
Oh hell, he should have known better than to be around people after taking anything stronger than aspirin. Reddening, he took the medicine and water from Victor.
"What did I say?"
"Ah, I'll never tell! Don't worry, he didn't understand you anyway. Drink all of that water, will you? You've been asleep for about ten hours."
Ten damn hours? The pain meds from earlier must have worn off, then. Looking around, he saw it was dark out. It was probably past midnight. Shit. Glancing around, he saw a comforter and pillow on the couch with Makkachin. Victor must have been sleeping there. The television was on but muted, playing some space opera movie that Victor was inexplicably obsessed with. There was a heating pad against his back, held in place by Katsudon's arm around his waist, and they were both covered in another comforter. It was horrifyingly domestic.
"Do you want some leftover Chinese?"
Yuri shook his head. He wasn't really inclined to move, so he sipped the water and looked around to see if he could spot his phone. It was on the end table, but if he reached for it he would likely wake Katsudon. He was drowsy enough to not bother, so he put his head back down. Victor was puttering around doing something. Yuri had almost decided to get up after all and go sleep in his own bed when Victor reappeared, leaned over them and kissed Katsudon's stupid sleeping face. Yuri threw up in his mouth a little.
"Get some more sleep, we want you to be able to be useful at practice tomorrow. If you land all your jumps we'll take you for ice cream at lunch." Victor bundled himself back up on the couch with the dog and turned the tv and lights off.
Yuri lay there in the darkness, listening to Yuuri's breathing and finally fell asleep as the pills kicked in and the rolling cramps abated some. He did not look longingly at the door to the balcony, and he did not wish there were a blizzard tonight.
Yuri was not fine.
(But maybe he would be.)