Prologue:
"Mihashi do you understand everything I just told you? If you don't cooperate with us there is nothing we can do to help. It's for your own protection."
I sat in my hospital bed shaking my head in disbelief. This wasn't happening. I couldn't believe it. After all this time and they still hadn't caught him. I looked over at the detective sitting next to my bed. "H-how long? My m-my parents?"
He shifted in his chair at my questions letting out a breath "I wish I could give you a better answer then this Mihashi, but I honestly don't know. It could be awhile. And as for your parents…" He paused.
My stomach did a flip afraid of his next answer. I looked from the floor to him and back again waiting. He let out another sigh lifting his head to look at me directly.
"I know it won't be easy Mihashi but it will be safer for you and for them if you go on your own. This is very important Mihashi no one including your parents can know where you are going. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. They won't be able to visit but they will be able to call you. There is a woman, Dr. Shiga she will be your handler. She is the only one who knows about…."
"When?" I asked cutting off the detective.
"I'm sorry?" The detective asked confused at my sudden interruption.
"W-when? Leaving? I repeated looking the detective straight in the eye.
"Tonight Mihashi, you need to leave tonight."
Ch 1:
"Mihashi?"
"Y-yes?"
"Dr. Shiga is ready for you now."
I followed the secretary down a short hallway where she stopped at the last door on the right and knocked twice.
"You can go in now" she said as she turned to leave to go back down the hall. I turned the knob and opened the door to a small cozy looking room with four overstuffed chairs one of which was occupied by a slight looking woman with glasses.
"You must be Mihashi Ren" the woman said as she stood up to greet me. She was taller than I expected, just a bit shorter then myself. As she crossed the room I started to panic as I had begun to do upon meeting new people.
"I'm Shiga Tsuyoshi it's a pleasure to meet you" she said as she stretched her hand towards mine. I stared at it as if it were about to attack. If I took it she would feel how sweaty my palm had become. She would know how nervous I was, how scared I was to be touched. She would know and she would hate…
"Mihashi" I jumped at the sound of my name snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts. I stood head down hands clenched at my sides ashamed of my own behavior.
"It's alright, why don't we sit down". I sneaked a look up at the woman standing across from me. Where I expected to see annoyance or disappointment there was only a small smile standing upon her face. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and followed her over to the chairs. As we sat I watched her scribbling on her clipboard and could only imagine the things she already had to say about me. She stopped writing as abruptly as she started and looked up at me which gave me a jolt. Here it comes I thought, all the questions. Didn't any of them understand that no matter how many questions they asked the answers would never change, and even if they did that wouldn't make the pain go away.
"Mihashi-kun?" Dr. Shiga inquired as she set her clipboard down on her lap. "I think you'll find that compared to your past psychiatrists I go about things a bit differently, starting off with medication" she paused.
"It says here on your chart that you are currently taking several different medications is that correct?" she asked looking from me to the clipboard for confirmation. I could only nod in response.
"I would like to change that" she stated.
"Instead of what you would normally take I am going to prescribe you to take a dose of venlafaxine every day to help manage your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. It should also help with the nightmares. I am also going to prescribe a dose of clozapine to take only as needed for your more severe panic attacks and hallucinations." I blinked up at her about to object but before I could she had started speaking again.
"Now I know you're probably wondering why I am making such a drastic change and the reason for that is quite simple. I feel that sometimes over medicating is worse than not medicating at all. In your case for instance all these drugs are really doing is covering up what actually needs to be solved. I read over your file and I believe that with therapy and time you can overcome this and no longer need to rely on medication. Right now you are using all of these medications as a crutch. You are hiding Mihashi-kun, from life and from yourself. And that Mihashi, is exactly what I want to help you with. The only question now is, do you want my help?"
I could only stare in shock. No therapist had ever spoken to me like that before. To say Dr. Shiga had been harsh was an understatement. I could feel my mouth hanging open and quickly snapped it shut.
What should I say? Do you want my help? Of course I wanted help isn't that exactly why I was here. Exactly why I had been seeing multiple therapists for the past six months. Exactly why I had been stuffing myself with all those pills that everyone said would make everything better.
But they hadn't.
Maybe that's what Dr. Shiga had meant. She had somehow known that the therapy and the drugs weren't working and she wanted to help. Really help. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. How could this person that I had just meet understand what others had not? How long had I waited to hear the words that she had just said? She wasn't being harsh she was saying the truth. And the truth was that I did want help, had wanted help for a long time. I was just too afraid to ask. I had long since given up on trying and she had saw that too.
I could feel heat rising in my chest as my tears finally started to fall a steady stream down my face. I took a deep breath and looked up at Dr. Shiga who was still patiently waiting for my answer.
"Y-yes p-please. I… I would. I would l-like your help. P-please." I managed to choke out. A wide grin spread across Dr. Shiga's face and I couldn't help but smile a little back.
"I am very glad to hear that Mihashi-kun" Dr. Shiga said while handing me a box of tissues. I could feel the hope bubbling up in my chest and it took all my willpower to not squash it back down. I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt this way and I wanted it to last for as long as possible. But I was also afraid of it. Afraid of what the hope would do to me if I lost it again. Afraid that Dr. Shiga would give up on me like all the others had. Afraid of…
"Mihashi-kun?" I flinched. I had done it again, let myself get lost in my thoughts. Thoughts that would only get worse if I didn't take control. I slowly lifted my head and looked up to Dr. Shiga who was just staring at me again with those understanding eyes. She gave me a small smile that brought me back to my senses.
"There are a few things I would like to discuss with you before we end our session today, okay?" she looked at me expectantly. I realized she was waiting for an answer so I gave a quick shake of my head.
"Before we meet again I would like you to think of an outlet for yourself."
"O-outlet?" I squeaked staring in confusion.
"Yes an outlet. Some form of activity that you can do when you feel your emotions building up or when things get too overwhelming for you. Instead of bottling everything up or letting the emotions take you over you can channel all of those feelings into your outlet. Do you understand?"
"Outlet. Overwhelmed. I-I understand" I shook my head. I smiled to myself happy that I actually got what Dr. Shiga was talking about. I was still shaking my head as Dr. Shiga started to speak again.
"Good" she said smiling as she got up from her chair and headed across the room. She stopped at a large brown desk that sat under a window overlooking the courtyard below. She opened a drawer and pulled something out. "I have something for you" she said reclaiming her seat. Her arm crossed the distance between us and holding out to me in her hand was a small notebook. "From now on I would like you to carry this wherever you go." I tentatively reached out and took the notebook staring at it in my hands. It was just the right size to fit into my pocket I thought to myself.
"W-what for?" I asked.
"I would like you to keep a recording of all of the panic attacks that you have. You should keep track of what time you have it, where you are when it happens and what you were doing at the time. By keeping that notebook with you, you will always have something to write in so you can record it right away so you don't accidentally forget anything. Do you think you can do that?"
"Y-yes!" I exclaimed clutching the small notebook to my chest. "Will k-keep track and w-won't forget anything" I smiled up at Dr. Shiga who was smiling back.
"Well Mihashi-kun I believe that that is all that I needed to discuss with you for today" Dr. Shiga said standing from her chair. "Do you have any questions?" Standing from my own chair I shake my head no, feeling almost relieved now that the session has ended and nothing terrible happened.
"Well Mihashi-kun if I am not mistaken it is almost time for your physical therapy appointment. Since we ended a bit early today how about I show you the way over there. I shake my head yes grateful that I won't have to try and find the building myself.
"Shall we?" Dr. Shiga gestures to the door. I nod following Dr. Shiga out of the building and onto the campus. Taking in my new surroundings I listen as Dr. Shiga chatters about the campus every once in a while pointing out certain buildings. I am instantly overwhelmed. I had seen a map of the campus before but it didn't even compare to what I saw before me now. There were so many buildings some looking so similar to one another I instantly forget which is which after Dr. Shiga points them out. I look down from Dr. Shiga to all of the paths darting in between buildings and every which way and wonder how I will ever remember the correct one to take. As I am contemplating all the different possible ways I can get lost Dr. Shiga stops in front of a particularly large building.
"Here we are, the REC" Dr. Shiga says opening a wide glass door. I follow her inside and almost bump into her when she suddenly stops. I scramble back a few steps and see that we are standing in front of a large reception desk. "Hello Shinooka-chan" Dr. Shiga addresses a short woman standing behind the counter.
"Shiga-hakase!" the short woman exclaims bowing. "It's nice to see you. Can I help you with something?"
"Yes actually we're here to see Abe-Kun."
"Would you like me to go get him for you?"
"Yes that would be great but first there is someone I would like to introduce you to. Mihashi-kun?" Dr. Shiga called out to me. I flinch hearing my name. I peek out from behind Dr. Shiga where I had been doing a not so great job of hiding. "Mihashi this is Shinooka Chiyo she is the manager of the boys baseball team and she also works here at the REC on weekends."
"It's nice to meet you Mihashi-kun" Shinooka smiled giving a slight bow. I gaped at her respectful gesture giving me the nerve to step out all the way from behind Dr. Shiga and bow myself.
"N-nice to me-meet you too Shinooka-chan." I looked up to find both Shinooka and Dr. Shiga smiling back at me.
"I'll go and fetch Abe-kun for you now" Shinooka said still smiling and then wondered off in search for Abe.
In the five short minutes it had taken Shinooka to locate Abe I had managed to work myself into a respectable panic. I couldn't stop fidgeting and I was sure I was sweating more then I ought to be. I heard the sound of footsteps approaching but I couldn't make myself look up. I shifted from foot to foot willing myself to calm down.
"Thank you for finding him for me Shinooka-chan." Dr. Shiga's voice broke the silence. "Abe-kun I know we're early I hope that's alright."
"Yeah it's no problem."
Upon hearing the sound of a new voice I closed my eyes. I wasn't ready. It was too soon. What was I thinking coming here? I wasn't ready for this again, not yet.
"Mihashi-kun?" Dr. Shiga inquired trying to get my attention. "This is Abe Takaya he will be your physical therapist." My eyes were glued shut. I was squeezing them so tight it almost hurt. I could feel my hands closing into fists, nails digging into my palms but that was nothing compared to the feeling in my chest. My heart was pounding so hard any moment it would burst. I was trapped. I couldn't breathe. I didn't even realize I had been shaking my head until two light hands fell on my shoulders. I froze.
"Mihashi-kun?" It was Dr. Shiga. A tone of urgency in her voice. "Mihashi-kun I want you to listen to me ok." I couldn't move. "I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth." I didn't move. "It's alright Mihashi you can do this. Let me help you."
Help me. Help me help me help me. I repeated over and over in my head. My breath caught in my throat. Dr. Shiga wanted to help me. She could help me. I needed her to help me. I let my breath go nodding my head and did as I was told. "Good Mihashi. Again deep breath" Dr. Shiga instructed. So I breathed. In through my nose out through my mouth. In and out. Again and again. Until I felt my heart beat slow down and my hands unclench.
"Mihashi-kun?" It was Dr. Shiga again. "Mihashi open your eyes" she urged. Slowly I peeled my eyes open only to bow my head and stare directly at the floor. I kept my concentration on my breathing as Dr. Shiga spoke to me again. "This isn't like before Mihashi." I flinched. "Mihashi, look at me." Reluctantly I lifted my head. Dr. Shiga was standing right in front of me her face a mask of concern. "Everything is going to be ok Mihashi-kun" Dr. Shiga said giving my shoulders a small squeeze. I let my gaze drop back to the floor only to be reprimanded with another squeeze to my shoulders. My eyes snapped back up to find Dr. Shiga's face set with determination. "You are going to be ok Mihashi. You can do this. I know you can."
I was amazed. I couldn't help but stare dumbfounded. The conviction in Dr. Shiga's voice made me want to believe her. I wanted to believe that this was possible. That everything would be fine. That I could get through this. I looked down from Dr. Shiga's face to where her hands still rested on my shoulders. She hadn't given up on me I thought. Not yet at least. Feeling the warmth from her hands I set my shoulders straight and let out a deep breath. If Dr. Shiga hadn't given up yet then neither would I.
I looked up to see her still staring at me waiting to see if I would pull myself together. I gave her a quick nod of my head telling her I was under control. Dropping her hands from my shoulders she smiled nodding in return.
"I'm going to talk to Abe-kun for a moment ok?" She asked not leaving the spot in front of me all too aware that I wasn't ready for her to leave my side just yet. I took a few deep breaths then nodded to her signaling that it was ok.
"Shinooka-chan?" Dr. Shiga called.
"Y-yes!" The girl sprung to her side.
"Why don't you take Mihashi-kun on a tour of the facilities while I talk to Abe-kun."
"Sure!" Shinooka responded a bright smile on her face. "Follow me Mihashi-kun" Shinooka chirped as she headed off across the room walking right past Abe. I took a deep breath pulling myself away from Dr. Shiga's side and followed after her. I held my breath as I had to walk past Abe and froze. Starring right at me were the most beautiful gray eyes I had ever seen. They were like a silver storm and the clouds were threatening to pull me in.
"Mihashi-kun?" I gave a jolt at the sound of my name pulling my gaze away from Abe and over to where Shinooka was patiently waiting for me. I darted off after her stumbling over my own feet. As I followed her down a hall I could feel my heart racing again. This time for a very different reason.