I'm usually more of a hurt/comfort girl, but when the fluff calls, you better answer. :) This story is set in season 17 when Jesse is about six months old. The show made it look like Amanda never struggled as a new mom and yeah...I'm not buying that. For the sake of the plot Liv and Amanda are going to act a little more OOC than usual, but not too much. Also, please bear in mind that English is not my first language, so when you find mistakes, do the nice thing and offer them a cool drink in the shade. Happy reading!
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"Jesse, please stop. Please stop crying, baby. Please. I'm beggin' you."
Amanda Rollins was ready to quit. Not at Special Victims though – God knew the job was probably the only thing that kept her sane these days. No, Amanda was ready to quit motherhood.
From the moment she'd taken Jesse out of her sitter's arms after returning home from the precinct, the little girl had been screaming at the top of her lungs as if she was being skinned alive. Her precious little face, usually full of smiles, was contorted and flaming red, with drool running out of the corner of her mouth and dripping onto the front of her mother's shirt.
In the early stages of the night, Amanda had been able laugh her baby's foul mood off; this was back when she'd still been confident that with a little bit of cuddling and rocking Jesse would eventually calm down.
Upon studying her daughter's scrunched up face a little more closely, Amanda had also come to the conclusion that her baby looked a bit like an angry garden gnome – grumpy, yet undeniably adorable. However, the longer the hours of aural torture stretched, the less the sweet comparison seemed to fit.
Now, four hours and equally as many cups of coffee later, Amanda looked at her chubby, red-faced baby girl and all she saw was the devil incarnate. She kept wondering how she could've been stupid enough to believe that she could do this. Raising a child on my own…what the hell was I thinking?
The blonde had spent the last hour carrying the little bundle of rage around, bouncing her up and down, trying to get her to sleep or at least to quiet down for longer than five minutes. Nothing she did seemed to be working and Amanda was at the end of her rope. All she had wanted was a relaxed evening after a long day at work, but it looked like she was in for a sleepless night and several angry knocks from her immediate neighbors instead.
She shifted the baby on her hip and tried to get her to accept the pacifier for the millionth time, but the little girl wouldn't take it, leaning away from the desperate blonde and turning her head to the side as if she was being offered raw liver. Amanda sighed deeply and dropped the pacifier on the kitchen counter, looking at Jesse in frustration, her voice tripping over itself in exhaustion.
"What do you want from me, huh, baby? Just tell me and I'll give it to you, I swear. All I want in return is some silence. Can you do that for mama…please?"
Amanda was vaguely aware that trying to negotiate a peace treaty with a six month-old would by some be considered step one of her descent into mommy madness, but the tired detective didn't care. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
She decided to try the bottle again, hoping that by some miracle her daughter had changed her mind since her last attempt a mere forty-five minutes ago. The blonde warmed up the formula and sat down in the recliner with Jesse in the crook of her arm.
It would be an understatement to say that Jesse was not a fan. The little girl screeched like a bat and raised her tiny balled-up fists over her head while pushing her legs into her mother's stomach, her body tense and rigid in Amanda's arm.
"Come on, baby girl," Amanda cooed, trying to hide the strained wobble in her voice, "you have to help me a little. It's not like I'm trying to poison you." A mild smile crept onto her lips. "You know, whenever Uncle Fin wants your mama to shut up, he just shoves a donut in her face. If it works with me, it should be working with you, too."
To her utter delight, Jesse suddenly stopped fighting and latched on to the bottle. Silence spread its comforting wings over the apartment and Amanda let out a long, relieved breath. She looked at the little angel in her arms and snorted. "So all it took for you to behave was mentioning uncle Fin, do I have this right?"
Jesse's brow furrowed and she pursed her lips, which made the bottle pop from her mouth. For a second they stared at each other, Amanda holding her breath in anticipation and praying that she had not broken the spell. Then, suddenly, the little girl burped and a gush of barely digested formula came out of her mouth, covering herself, Amanda and the rattan armrest of the chair they sat in.
"No…no no no no no…oh for GOD'S SAKE!" Amanda covered her mouth with one hand to stifle the annoyed roar that erupted from deep within her gut. The crying got even louder than before when the little one introduced an agonized wail so powerful that it seemed to echo from the walls of Amanda's living room.
The blonde watched as the vomit was seeping into the cracks of her favorite chair and she could feel a defeated sob crawling up her throat.
"Jesse."
Amanda's voice was thin as she tried to swallow down the impending tears of utter exhaustion.
"Jesse, stop it. Now."
The infant's wailing continued and Amanda felt like crying with her. She gathered up her puke-covered daughter and cradled her against her chest.
"I love you so much, I just don't understand why-"
The blonde was interrupted by a loud bark coming from her bedroom and she let out a groan. She'd put Frannie into her bedroom at some point, feeling sorry for the canine and her sensitive ears. Obviously, her loyal dog had also reached her breaking point and now showed her disapproval of the noise level through a rapid fire of sharp barks.
With her daughter screaming into her ear, Amanda rushed to the bedroom door to let Frannie out.
"Seriously, are you two trying to get me evicted?"
The dog sat down in front of her owner and looked up at her with big, round eyes, her tail thudding happily against the hardwood floor.
Amanda shook her head in disbelief and went to Jesse's room to clean her up and get rid of the soiled baby clothes. Just when she closed the last button on the polar bear onesie passed down to her from Olivia, the blonde heard the clashing sound of metal on metal from her kitchen. Oh Lord, what now?
She successfully stuck the pacifier into Jesse's mouth before hurrying into the kitchen with her baby on her arm, where she was greeted by Frannie, who had apparently flipped her empty food bowl over and knocked it against the side of the fridge.
…and this was the moment it dawned on Amanda that she had completely forgotten to feed her dog after work. She looked at her loyal pup, tears brimming in her eyes, and was mortified by her own carelessness.
"Oh Frannie Mae, I'm so sorry! Your mama's such an idiot."
She quickly filled up the bowl and Frannie, sensing her owner's agitation, nuzzled her wet nose against Amanda's leg before happily digging in.
Amanda's body was shaking with simmering emotion. She'd tried and failed to get her daughter to settle down for almost five hours now. She'd accidentally starved her dog all day. And her whole upper body was still covered in sticky, sour-smelling baby formula. In short, Amanda felt like a complete and total failure.
The blue-eyed woman sniffed and let her gaze wander from her fussy baby to her four-legged friend. She leaned down to scratch Frannie's back apologetically and out of the corner of her eye she watched in horror as the pacifier plopped from Jesse's mouth, spun around in the air and then landed in the middle of Frannie's bowl.
A deafening scream of rage erupted from her baby's lips and Amanda burst into tears. Her whole body trembled as all of her frustration unloaded itself at once, knees shaking and chest heaving with a series of rapid sobs, and she tasted her own snot and salty tears on her upper lip.
Frannie interrupted her meal and looked up at her distressed owner with curious and worried eyes, while Jesse chose to completely ignore her mother's breakdown, too occupied with her own misery.
Amanda blindly pressed Jesse's small body to her chest and dragged her heavy limbs into the living room, placing the baby in her crib and sitting down shakily on the couch next to her. All thoughts had been wiped from her mind but one: I can't do this anymore. She knew she needed help. With tears blurring her vision she scrolled through her contacts and hit the call button without thinking. It rang twice and then she heard it; the voice that had the unique ability to make everything better.
"Benson."
Amanda opened her mouth but nothing came out except for a short, strangled breath of air.
"Amanda? Are you there?" the brunette inquired, confusion apparent in her tone.
"I…I…" the blonde tried to squeeze out an explanation for the late-night call, but even if the words were not stuck in her throat, what would she say? "Hi lieutenant, I'm having a nervous breakdown because my six month-old has a bad night. Oh, and I forgot to feed my dog. Please save me from this hellish nightmare"?
"Amanda, I can see it's your number…are you in trouble? Do you need backup?"
"N-no, 'm okay…"
"Are you crying…?" Olivia sounded perplexed.
She got her answer when all of a sudden, Amanda's final barriers broke and she sobbed into the speaker with no inhibition, a fresh round of tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Amanda, talk to me, please. Are you hurt? Did something happen to you or Jesse?" Her lieutenant's voice was alert and full of worry now and the younger woman could hear her shuffle around nervously on the end of the line.
"No…" Amanda managed to choke out between sobs and curled up on her side, the phone pressed to her ear with a sweaty hand.
Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding. "Okay…can you tell me what's wrong? You sound very upset, Amanda. I need to know what's going on so I can help you." Her tone was soft and hushed now and Amanda clutched her phone harder, feeling the urge to climb into the device to get closer to the warmth and comfort that was Olivia's voice.
"I can't…make it…stop." Amanda murmured in defeat, running the back of her hand over her glowing, damp cheeks.
"Can't make what stop, honey?" the brunette inquired patiently.
"The fucking crying, Liv! Jesse's been at it for hours and I just can't get her to stop!" Her voice sounded a tiny bit clearer now that she had Liv's voice to focus on instead of the ear-piercing shrieks that her daughter so kindly provided as background noise.
Amanda could hear a relieved sigh on the other end and a lighthearted chuckle reached her ear.
"So you're calling for some parenting advice." It was more of an amused statement than a question and the tension that had silently brewed in their conversation popped like a soap bubble.
"I'm calling because I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought I could do this, but I'm obviously a complete failure as a mother and-"
"Okay, okay, okay, let me stop you right there." Olivia's no-nonsense voice made Amanda go silent instantly and she swallowed hard as she awaited her lieutenant's next words. "First of all, you are not a failure, Amanda, and I don't want to hear you say that ever again, is that understood? Second, of course you can do this, because you're a hard worker and you love your little girl more than anything. That I know for sure. Third, I'm glad you called me, and I promise I'll do what I can to support you."
"Am I allowed to speak now?" Amanda asked grumpily, and Olivia was quite impressed by how quickly the blonde detective's mood had changed from sobbing mess to annoyed mother to sarcastic toddler.
"Did you hear anything I just said, Amanda, or did Jesse perforate your eardrum with her screaming?" the older woman shot back smoothly.
Amanda's brain was way too mushy at this point for a smart comeback, so she resorted to an exasperated sigh and rubbed her tired eyes, longing for a good night's sleep more than anything.
"It's just…I did everything that the book suggested, Liv. EVERYTHING. I fed her, changed her, bounced and sang to her, put on classical music, I drove around the block, gave her a bath…"
"Have you tried skin-to-skin cont-"
"I COULD DANCE HULA NAKED WITH JESSE STRAPPED TO MY CHEST AND SHE STILL WOULDN'T STOP CRYING!"
She could hear stifled laughter on the other end of the line.
"It's not funny, Liv, I'm about to lose my goddamn mind here!"
"Honey, I think you might be past that point already," Olivia stated gently. "Give me half an hour, I'm coming over."
Amanda's head snapped up with a start and she immediately started to protest, but Olivia wasn't having it.
"Just sit tight and don't strangle her in the next thirty minutes."
Amanda was too exhausted to argue and let her head pop on the backrest of the couch, just when Frannie decided to accompany Jesse's high-pitched wailing with an extended howl. She winced in response and closed her eyes, doing her best to zone out. "I can't promise anything."
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Exactly twenty-eight minutes later Amanda heard a knock on her front door. With a thrashing Jesse back in her arms, she stumbled through her apartment, tripping over several scattered toys on her way, to let Olivia in.
Amanda was in the middle of opening the door just when Jesse threw herself back in her arm as hard as she could and the blonde quickly had to let go of the handle to steady her and keep her from falling. "Oh shit, Jesse, what are you doing?" After the mini heart-attack, she finally opened the door fully, an apology on her lips.
"Sorry about that, Jesse was just-"
The rest of the sentence got stuck in her throat when she raised her eyes and looked at the breathtakingly beautiful woman on her doorstep. Olivia wore a form-fitting black dress that showed off a considerable amount of cleavage and matching black heels, a delicate golden bracelet on her slim wrist. Her eyeliner was applied perfectly, of course, and her long dark lashes were curled up, making Olivia's eyes look slightly bigger than normal. Soft, natural waves of brown hair framed her boss's tanned face and Amanda was very unkindly reminded of the fact that she hadn't even thought of at least changing into a clean shirt before her friend's arrival.
Olivia cocked her head a little and the corner of her mouth twitched with amusement.
"Are you gonna ask me in or…?
Amanda immediately moved back, bright red spots of embarrassment prominent on her cheeks and she threw a quick look back at her living room, suddenly very self-conscious about the state of her apartment.
Olivia stepped out of her heels and placed her purse next to them before she turned around and greeted Jesse with the brightest smile on her face, extending her arms instantly towards the baby with a questioning look on her face.
"May I?"
Amanda shrugged apprehensively and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Um…sure, but be warned…she's not particularly docile today."
Without any hesitation, the older woman stepped closer and carefully took Jesse out of her detective's arms. Amanda shivered slightly when Olivia's hand brushed against her bare arm, but the brunette didn't seem to notice, already focusing all of her attention on the baby that immediately reached for the long golden earrings dangling in front of her.
"Oh no, sweet girl, I don't think so!" Olivia's relaxed laugh was like music in Amanda's ears and the stark contrast between the pleasant sound and the cacophony that she'd grown so used to over the past few hours made her weirdly emotional.
With a lump in her throat she watched the brunette wrap one arm securely around Jesse's back and swiftly take off her jewelry with her free hand, dropping it on Amanda's cupboard without ever taking her eyes off the little girl.
"Your mama told me you're being a bit difficult tonight, Jesse. Let's try to quiet down a little so she can catch a break, what do you think?"
Olivia slowly moved towards the living room, bouncing a slightly stunned Jesse in her arms, and Amanda followed her, not entirely sure what to make of this new situation. The brunette came to a halt in the door frame and Amanda rushed past her, frantic to clean up the mess she had managed to create in an impressively short amount of time.
"It doesn't usually look like this, I swear!" she stuttered out in a slight panic, picking up three bottles with formula, a couple of used tissues, her own work clothes that she had simply dropped to the floor earlier, a half-eaten box of Chinese, baby lotion, a knocked over can of red bull and anything else she could get her hands on.
"I'm not judging, Amanda" the older woman said calmly, her eyes still on Jesse, who currently made herself busy by sticking her hand down Olivia's cleavage.
"Well, you should, because this is a mess and I am a mess and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing at all!"
"Hey!" Olivia stepped closer and grabbed Amanda's upper arm to stop her from flapping around like a head-less chicken. Amanda's heart was beating irregularly in her chest as she looked up into kind brown eyes.
"It's perfectly normal to feel that way, Amanda. And to be honest with you, that feeling never really goes away, even when they're older." She chuckled and smoothed down Jesse's feathery light baby hair. "Sometimes I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. What I learned though is that you have to allow yourself to feel overwhelmed sometimes, especially as a single mom. It also helps to remember that you're not the only one who feels that way. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing just fine."
"I don't feel fine, Liv. I just feel exhausted."
"And that is precisely why you're going to take a nice, long shower now, while I stay here to keep Jesse some company. It's time you start taking better care of yourself, Amanda."
The blonde looked down at her dirty shirt self-consciously and Olivia quickly tipped her chin back up, her eyes full of kindness. "That's not what I meant, honey." She brought two fingertips up, tapped them lightly against Amanda's temple and winked at her. "I meant up here." The blonde looked at Olivia with big, baffled eyes and then back at Jesse, uncertainty still visible in the wrinkles on her forehead.
"We're good, aren't we, sweet girl?" Olivia cooed at the baby and gave Amanda an encouraging nod before turning away from her, quietly talking into Jesse's ear while continually bouncing her up and down.
"Okay…I won't be too long."
"Take all the time you need." The brunette responded lightly while tickling the side of Jesse's belly, which elicited a delighted squeal from the little girl.
The frown on Amanda's features smoothed out when she looked at her daughter's happy, round face and she slowly retreated to her bedroom, her feelings, much like her living room, a jumbled mess.
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When Amanda emerged from her bedroom, she felt considerably refreshed and more alert than before. She had put on a comfortable pair of light gray sweatpants and a turquoise plaid shirt, her wet hair up in a messy bun.
Olivia sat on the couch with her bare, red-painted toes curling around the edge of the coffee table. Jesse was in the brunette's lap, her back propped up against her thighs and she was just in the middle of a fit of laughter as Olivia pretended to gnaw on her stubby little fingers. Amanda stayed rooted in her spot, just relishing the peaceful silence, not wanting to disturb the happy scene, her heart swelling with warmth at how soft and carefree her tough lieutenant could be when she was around kids.
"Come join us." Olivia's voice was low and relaxed, and she did not turn her head around when she spoke.
Amanda padded over to the pair on sock-clad feet and dropped down on the other end of the couch with a grunt.
"What, you have superhuman hearing now, too?"
"No, but I could smell your shampoo." Liv smiled. "What is that, peaches? It's nice."
Amanda blinked a few times, before stammering out a response.
"Yeah, um…thanks. Reminds me of home, you know?"
Why are you so being so weird, Rollins? It's just Liv.
Olivia nodded in understanding before tilting her head to take a closer look at the other woman.
"How are you feeling now?"
"Like a human being again." Amanda sighed in relief, and shot her friend a grateful look. "Thank you for looking after her for me. I'm sorry I freaked out on you on the phone." A light blush rose up in her cheeks. "You were obviously not on mommy duty tonight." She let her gaze wander down Olivia's body and cocked her eyebrow teasingly.
"It's okay, I'm glad you called me. The other thing I can reschedule." the older woman said casually while wiggling her legs to give Jesse a little shake, which made the chubby baby dissolve into giggles.
"So you had a date?" The blonde probed with the familiar pinch of jealousy in her heart, not sure if she was crossing a line with her question.
"Don't sound so surprised, Amanda, I'm not dead yet." Olivia snorted with a side glance, her eyebrows raised high.
"Hey, that's not- I didn't say that!"
"Relax, I know what you meant. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want this. It's just that…it's been a while, you know? And I feel a little rusty." She rolled her eyes and grinned, half embarrassed, half amused.
"Well, you certainly don't look rusty, Liv." The compliment had slipped out before Amanda could stop herself, and her ears turned pink when she realized that it had sounded a little flirty.
Olivia didn't seem to mind though and grinned at her. "Thanks…you gotta flex your dating muscle every once in a while to make sure you still got it, right?"
"Eh…the last time I flexed mine I got Jesse, so I think I'm good for now, thanks."
Olivia threw her head back and laughed; a real laugh from the belly, and Amanda couldn't help but beam at her as a swarm of butterflies flapped their wings in her stomach.
The moment felt incredibly domestic to Amanda – Olivia sitting there with her bare feet propped up, brown hair in natural waves and with her baby girl in her arms, eyes still wide and sparkly from the moment of joy; and herself, hair wet, face free of any make-up, wearing her comfy clothes. It felt easy, and it felt right.
For a moment, both women just looked at each other happily, before they were taken back to reality by a high-pitched squeal; it was almost like Jesse wanted to remind the two adults of the reason why they were all here.
"So…" Olivia began, softly blowing warm air into the crook of the little girl's neck to make her laugh, "you read a book about parenting, huh? I never took you for the bookish kind of new mom." Her grin widened. "I could have sworn you were more of an 'I'm just gonna wing it' kinda gal."
"I can't believe you picked up on that." Amanda groaned in embarrassment, combing through her wet bangs with her fingers, a grimace on her face.
"I pick up on a lot of things."
Amanda's hand stilled and she looked at the brunette with her mouth hanging slightly open.
They were interrupted by a ringing noise, and both women reflexively dived for their phones.
"It's me," Olivia said with a sigh.
"Work?"
"No." The older woman turned off the sound and put her phone screen-down on a couch cushion. The two women watched it vibrate for a full minute before it went silent.
"Was that your-"
"Yeah."
Amanda's brows pulled together in suspicion and there was a hint of underlying worry in her tone when she addressed the other woman.
"Is everything okay, Liv? Is he bothering you?"
"No, it's just that I…" Amanda nodded encouragingly. "I cancelled…and when he tried to reschedule, I didn't respond." Olivia huffed, clearly embarrassed.
"Why not?" Amanda's voice was kind and Olivia threw her an uncertain look.
"It's stupid."
"I'm sure it's not."
Olivia snorted in response and started to play with one of the white bobbles sewn onto Jesse's onesie.
"Noah loved this one. It looks cute on her."
"You're stallin', lieutenant."
The older woman squirmed in her seat and nervously tucked her bangs behind her ears, before she continued.
"I went out on a date with him and it went okay I guess, I just didn't feel…anything. No chemistry, no spark. I didn't really want to go on a second date, but when I got home that night, I suddenly felt so lonely. It just occurred to me that I might end up all alone and that thought…" She shook her head at her own silliness, but the smile on her lips was tinged with pain. "…that thought scared the shit out of me."
Amanda hesitated, a longing ache in her heart and a confession on the tip of her tongue.
The brunette's expression turned sad.
"See, I told you…stupid."
"No, it's not," Amanda corrected her quickly, "but to be honest, if I were you, I wouldn't worry. You're one of the greatest people I know and you might not be aware of it, but I'm not the only one who thinks that."
The brunette smirked dismissively, but Amanda's expression stayed serious and her tone was sincere when she continued. "No, Olivia, I mean it. The person who gets to be with you for the rest of their life is gonna be damn lucky."
"I appreciate you saying that, Amanda, but they're not exactly queuing up for a fifty-year-old single mother who's married to her job…"
"For someone who said they're picking up on 'a lot of things', you're amazingly oblivious, Liv." Amanda's tone was dry and she flared her nostrils.
"Well," Olivia rolled her eyes in mock annoyance, "whoever they are…tell 'em to hurry up."
"You never know, you could be stumbling upon the right person as early as tomorrow."
Amanda couldn't hide the spark in her eyes, and if she was being honest with herself, she didn't even try to. True, the blonde was terrified of what would happen if Olivia found out about the nature of her feelings towards her, but a part of Amanda had always wanted the brunette to know, always wanted Olivia to see her.
"Tomorrow, right…I'll keep an eye out." The older woman cocked her head and the corner of her mouth quirked up slightly. Amanda could feel her face getting hotter. Luckily for her, Jesse had decided she didn't get nearly enough attention from the woman whose lap she was so comfortably seated in and let out a warning screech.
"Okay, baby, I get it." Olivia looked down at what could only be described as a look of outrage on Jesse's face. "Patience is not your strong suit." A chuckle crept onto her lips. "I wonder where you got that from."
"Real funny, Liv."
Olivia didn't look up at the blonde detective, but her smile got undeniably bigger.
"How about we read a book, huh? Would you like that?"
The brunette's enthusiasm got the little girl excited and she gurgled happily when she was readjusted in the older woman's lap, her back now pressed against Olivia's front.
The older woman leaned forward and skipped through the pile of children's books on the coffee table.
"Um, Amanda…are all of Jesse's books about dogs?"
"She likes those best…" The blonde murmured defensively and the corner of Olivia's mouth twitched.
"Yeah, I'm sure you got them straight off her Amazon wish list."
The brunette picked out a book about a blonde puppy named 'Biscuit' and held it out for Jesse. The little girl pressed her palm flatly against the cover before curling her fingers inwards, thus raking her sharp nails over the puppy's head as if she was trying to pet it.
"Okay, this one it is."
Olivia leaned back comfortably with Jesse in her lap, and from the corner of her eye she could see Amanda sink deeper into the cushions, tucking her legs close to her body with her head propped against the backrest of the couch.
As soon as the seasoned lieutenant began reading in her deep, gentle voice she could feel the warm weight against her front become heavier and she could tell the baby was finally settling down, profoundly engaged in the adventures of the small dog. When she was halfway through the book, Olivia could hear the clicking of toenails on the hardwood floor and a large, warm body trotted around the corner.
"Hi, Frannie." Olivia whispered in greeting and she smiled when the sweet dog plopped to the ground in front of the couch and laid her head down on her paws.
The apartment was completely silent now save for the regular breathing of its four inhabitants and the soothing voice of Lieutenant Olivia Benson recounting the tales of Biscuit the puppy.
As she turned the page, Olivia threw a side glance at Amanda and her gaze softened when she saw that the younger woman was already fast asleep. The brunette stopped and turned her head fully, her heart swelling with affection as she took in her friend's slumped posture and relaxed features. A tiny snore escaped the blonde's lips and Olivia's body vibrated with suppressed laughter when Jesse, still wide awake, looked at her mother with a small frown marring her face.
"Come on, sweet girl, your mama needs a little me-time."
The brunette slowly rose to her feet, humming a sweet melody into Jesse's ear to keep her quiet, and then carefully draped a blanket over Amanda's sleeping form. She dimmed the lights and retreated to her detective's bedroom, leaving Frannie to watch over her owner as she caught up on some much-needed sleep.
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Amanda came to with a start and she blinked, disoriented and confused at how dark and quiet it was in the apartment and wondering why she was snuggled up on the couch in the middle of the night. The blonde scratched her head and looked around, her eyes coming to rest on the empty crib next to her. Her heart was pounding, fear paralyzing her for the duration of three painful breaths. JESSE.
Amanda jumped up and the dizziness that came with the fast movement made her sway on her feet for a moment. She almost tripped over her dog, who was still sound asleep with her back against the couch.
The young detective looked back and forth between the relaxed canine and her daughter's abandoned crib when finally, her gaze caught the purse and heels sitting in her hallway. Amanda released a shaky breath. Olivia is here. She sat back down on the couch for a whole minute, waiting for her rapidly beating heart to slow down to a normal pace.
Then she got up and silently tiptoed towards her closed bedroom door, hesitating for a fleeting moment with her hand on the handle. Jesus, Rollins, it's your own goddamn bedroom. The blonde pushed the door open and took in the scene before her with a heart so full that she was sure it could burst at any given moment.
Her boss and her baby were lying on the king-size bed with their eyes closed, sleeping together peacefully. Jesse was completely slack on top of Olivia, her arms hanging down on both sides of the brunette's waist, her round little head cushioned on a slowly rising and falling chest. The pout on her lips made Amanda smile with tenderness and the occasional twitch of Jesse's snub nose told her she was dreaming.
The blonde watched her precious little girl for a while, then she let her gaze wander to her daughter's clearly comfortable human pillow. Olivia was lying on her back, her head propped up a little on a pillow leaning against the headboard of the bed. Her ankles were crossed casually and both of her hands rested on Jesse's back, enveloping the little girl protectively and holding her against her belly. Amanda's heart skipped a beat when she realized that the brunette was now wearing an oversized NYPD t-shirt over her dress – the shirt the blonde had slept in the night before.
The older woman's face was relaxed and unguarded in her state of sleep, free of the stress and worry that were so often etched on her features when she was at the precinct. Her cheeks held a healthy, rosy glow and Amanda couldn't take her gaze away from her friend's beautiful face.
She tried to ignore the intense longing in her chest; this fire that she had rather unsuccessfully tried to quench in its wake a couple of months ago, when Amanda had first realized that the feelings she had developed for her lieutenant could no longer merely be considered the 'friendship type'.
Now that she was standing so close her, close enough to smell the lingering scent of Olivia's lavender perfume, Amanda found herself wishing she was brave enough to pour her heart out to the other woman, to just take the plunge and tell her how much she meant to her.
The blonde quickly stopped herself from going down that road in her mind, reminding herself that even if things did not work out between Olivia and the man she would potentially be dating again, that didn't mean the older woman would be interested in dating her, Amanda Rollins, or any woman for that matter; and that even if the brunette was swinging that way, she very likely would not jeopardize their work relationship or friendship by dating her.
The young detective sighed deeply at her dire prospects and leaned her head against the door frame, trying to content herself with simply enjoying the view and making sure to memorize every little detail so she would never forget this special moment, where everything was just the way it was supposed to be.
Amanda was abruptly taken out of her reverie when she realized that a pair of mellow brown eyes was blinking at her sleepily. Olivia yawned and a drowsy smile graced her lips.
Amanda's heart was beating faster and she squirmed anxiously in her spot by the door, embarrassed that she had been caught staring. She opened her mouth to stammer out an explanation, but was cut off before she could start.
"Shush. C'mere."
Olivia's voice was husky and full of sleep and she lightly patted the mattress beside her. Amanda shuffled over and curled up next to the brunette's warm, curvy body, facing her with big eyes. Her heart raced being in such close proximity to Olivia and she gulped nervously, afraid that the older woman could see right through her and pick up on her barely concealed feelings.
She lowered her gaze and let her eyes come to rest on the NYPD logo that peaked out from under her baby's head. "It looks good on you." She mumbled almost inaudibly, but with the tiniest bit of desire in her voice.
"Jesse liked the smell of it." Olivia whispered affectionately.
Amanda's heart clenched in disappointment. Of course. Why else would she have put it on?
"By the way, so do I."
The blonde didn't dare to breathe as a new wave of hope stirred inside her heart.
Olivia's brown eyes silently studied her face for a while, taking in every detail, every freckle and every little crease that Jesse had managed to put there within six short months. Finally, her deep orbs reached bright blue eyes looking back at her cautiously. Olivia's gaze bored into hers and the blonde got lost in the swirl of emotions in her lieutenant's eyes; tenderness, concern, curiosity…and a question.
The brunette boldly lifted her hand to caress Amanda's cheek, still not uttering a single word. The blonde closed her eyes and, mustering all her courage, leaned into the soft touch, thus answering the silent question in Olivia's eyes.
When she felt the soft pair of lips gently brush against hers, all tension and every last bit of doubt melted away and Amanda responded eagerly and without hesitation, pressing her lips passionately against Olivia's. She could feel the older woman smile against her lips before the brunette slowly pulled back. Amanda's eyelids fluttered open, hope and happiness and arousal sparkling in her eyes. She opened her mouth, but was stopped by a slim finger on her lips.
"Tomorrow." Olivia hummed tenderly. "Now, we sleep."
She tucked a frizzy strand of hair behind Amanda's ear and let her hand drop back on the mattress between them, palm up and fingers spread in a silent offer. The younger woman looked up at the slightly flushed, lovely face in front of her, before she entwined their fingers and gave them a squeeze.
"Tomorrow."