Fandom: CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan
Title: In Memoriam
Author: SweetFirefly
Rating: PG-13/T
Genre: Angst/Drama
Pairings: Suoh Takamura X Nokoru Imonoyama; mentions of Akira Ijyuin X Utako Ohkawa.
Spoilers: Up to Chapter 6 of the anime and Chapter 11 of the manga.
Summary: Suoh wakes up to a bittersweet dream.
Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan. I'm not a genius mangaka.
Warning: CHARACTER DEATH and YAOI, meaning two boys whose love survives said character death. Don't like it, don't read it.

A/N: I think this is the first time I write about the death of a main character who hasn't died in canon, but Detectives fiction just begs for it. I do love Suoh's devotion for Nokoru and it is my belief that he would try to commit seppuku should he fail to protect him.

Hope you all like it! English is not my first language, so, if you see any errors, feel free to point it out!

In Memoriam

Suoh woke up.

The window was open – probably Akira had opened it earlier – and the streams of sunlight that illuminated the room were warm and inviting, against the hospital-green walls. It was pleasant to look at Kaichou's fair skin and hair – it seemed as if his skin was translucent, his smile shining more than ever. The blond locks seemed involved with some kind of halo…

He chased the thought off.

"Am I dead?", Suoh asked, his voice sounding tired.

"No", the Kaichou said, way too cheerfully.

"Am I dying?"

"I believe this not to be the case."

Suoh sighed heavily, and turned to the other side, so that he wouldn't have to face the Kaichou. The blond, however, quickly realized his intention, and crossed the room to face the golden eyes. For a moment, they just stared at each other.

"I don't understand", Suoh complained, at last, eyeing the IV tube. "Sometimes, I feel sick. I feel light-headed and weak, and my body seems too heavy for me to carry, and I think I'm going to die. But death never comes… I—get better."

"Akira heard you talking in your sleep", Nokoru said, smiling, and Suoh couldn't help but think that sleep was just a euphemism – that drug-induced haziness should not be called sleep. "He noticed that you dream of me. The doctors started monitoring you, and they concluded that, whenever you dream of me, you get better. So… here I am!"

"Then, please, leave my dreams."

"Do you really want me to?", the Kaichou asked, giving him the puppy look.

Suoh tried to reinforce his plea with a hard stare, but he had never been able to stand Nokoru's puppy look for long.

"You know that I don't", he muttered, defeated.

"See? I'm your cure."

The ninja's fists clenched when he heard that, but Nokoru pretended he didn't notice, flashing at him that smile that used to annoy him so much.

"You've always had a strange pleasure in making my life difficult", Suoh commented.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that, even if I do survive, I still have failed my duty. I'll commit seppuku. This hospital is purely a waste of time."

"Well, I want to use this time to convince you not to kill yourself, so it's not a waste of time."

Suoh smiled bitterly, again trying to avoid the Kaichou's blue eyes by turning to the other side. And again, Nokoru followed his stare, moving to the left side of the bed.

Absent-mindedly, Suoh decided to stare at the ceiling.

"I want to follow you", he said, without quite looking at Nokoru. "I'm not giving up on it."

"Please, don't. I'm begging you not to."

"You're being selfish."

"Maybe, but I still don't want you to follow me."

"What would you do if our positions were reversed?"

"What would you do if our positions were reversed?"

Suoh bit his lip, knowing that Nokoru had a point there. The Kaichou, of course, knew it too; he snapped open his fan, revealing a sentence ("I dare you to do better!") written on the white tissue.

The Secretary's eyes burned.

"I – I don't want to! – how can you ask me this, how can you ask me to live when I know that you—", and his voice trailed off, for he didn't have enough strength to utter the feared words yet.

For the first time, the Kaichou dropped his façade of cheerfulness, revealing a sad, sad expression under all that show. Suoh cursed inwardly – he had wanted Nokoru to be sincere with him, but he hadn't wanted to see him sad.

"It wasn't your fault, Suoh", the Kaichou said, and he was the one avoiding his eyes now. "You did everything you could. You took six bullets – it's a wonder you're alive."

"What is it worth?", Suoh exclaimed, frustrated. "What is it worth being alive if you're – how can I live knowing that I wasn't able to protect you? That that guy had one more bullet, and if I had just stayed on my feet for a second longer—"

"Stop it", Nokoru said, the closest to harsh he had ever used with Suoh. "You're not superhuman, Suoh. If my time was to be—"

"I trained my entire life so that I could protect you! I – I tried so hard – if I just had stayed on my feet – and you're – you are – I can't, Nokoru! I just can't live without you! There is nothing to live for!"

And, then, Suoh broke down. For the first time in a long, long time, he started to cry freely; the tears streamed down his cheeks, and his words turned into a chain of painful sobs. He tried to hide his head in the pillow – he had never let Nokoru see him despairing – but a soft encouragement from the blond's lips made him turn in his direction.

Nokoru's eyes were so understanding and beautiful.

To think that he would never…

"It's okay. It's okay, Suoh. I don't blame you. I wish you wouldn't blame yourself either. Akira caught the guy, and he's in jail right now."

"He'll be dead as soon as I recover."

"You're making no sense, Suoh", the Kaichou said playfully. "First you want to die of your wounds, then you want to catch the guy – you have to decide!"

Suoh laughed and cried at the same time. The Kaichou never failed to bring the best out of him.

"It appears that I'm going to survive despite my wishes, so I'd better put this rest of life that I have to some use."

Nokoru bit his lip. "Don't you have dreams, Suoh?"

"Dreams?"

"Like… goals. Like Akira's dream of becoming a chef as good as his father, or Ohkawa Kaichou's dream of marrying someone and having a family…"

"…I dreamed of your safety."

Nokoru smiled sheepishly. "Was I so troublesome to you?"

"That's not what I meant. It was hard to protect you, but – It's just that—"

Suoh felt his cheeks becoming warm, and the Kaichou laughed sincerely. It was the most beautiful sound of the world, and hearing it lessened Suoh's pain.

"Speak your mind, Suoh."

"…I wanted you to be safe", Suoh confessed. "Not momentarily, but out of harm forever. I – I wanted you to be friends with everyone you wanted to, not having to stay away from fear of endangering the others, not having to pretend that you're cheerful and bright all the time. I wanted you to be selfish as you wanted, just like any normal person…"

He knew he had surprised his Kaichou, when the easy smile fell off his lips, replaced by a sudden blush. The blond snapped his fan open again, hiding his embarrassment.

"Don't you have dreams of your own?"

"That was a dream of mine."

"Dreams related to you, I mean. Like, something you wanted to do someday…"

"…I wanted to try sky surfing."

Another laugh burst out of the Kaichou's lips, and he looked at Suoh as if he was the most precious thing in the world.

"See? How can you die if you've never sky surfed before?"

"Kaichou!"

"Besides, there's a lot of things you can still do. A lot of things! I bet you've never gone to Paris, for example."

"As if I could enjoy traveling without you."

"I'm not irreplaceable."

"Yes, you are."

"Suoh, don't you see how many things you can still do with your life? So, so many things!", the Kaichou's voice had a hint of desperation now. "Like what I would have done. If you need objectives, take mine!"

"Your objectives?"

"If you need a reason for living, take my reasons for living. Make sure that every talented student who needs shelter finds it in CLAMP Gakuen. Make sure that every lady that crosses your way feels special, at least once in their lives. Get married and have three children."

"…You wanted to get married and have three children?"

"No, I wanted you to get married and have three children."

"…Why did you want me to get married and have three children?"

The Kaichou avoided Suoh's eyes.

"I just wanted you to be happy, not burdened by me."

Suoh felt his throat constrict.

"I was never burdened", he said hoarsely. "I was happy. I was so happy that I think this must be some kind of punishment… because no one should be allowed to have so much happiness at once."

"Really? You really were happy?"

"Whenever I woke up at your side, Nokoru, and saw your face, I felt like I was the happiest person in the world."

The Kaichou smiled, now crying, a little. Illuminated by the sunlight, he looked, now more than ever, like an angel.

"I was happy, too", Nokoru said, in a wistful tone. "I was happy. The only thing that I didn't like about my happiness was that it was selfish, because you were in danger because of that happiness. But I was so happy, so happy, that I couldn't stop you from loving me… I couldn't stop myself from being with you…"

"Nokoru…"

"I'm asking you, Suoh, please. Live for me. Live for me as you would have died for me. Live for the things that I haven't done, for this happiness that we had. Live for me."

"I don't know if I can make it without you by my side. Ever again."

"I know you can make it."

"How can you know?", the ninja asked childishly, hesitantly.

Nokoru, however, could understand.

"I believe in you", he said simply.

As if touched by a blessing, Suoh closed his eyes, more sobs escaping from his chest. It hurt, it hurt like hell, and that hurt would not fade away with time, would never fade away. But he knew he couldn't refuse to answer the Kaichou's last request; he wouldn't be able to face his bright blue eyes in Heaven if he just chose the easy way out.

"I'll—", he started promising, but the Kaichou put his finger in front of his lips.

"I already know', the blond smiled devilishly. "You don't need to say anything."

"Nokoru—"

"Now", Nokoru said loudly, in that way meant to distract him, "you need to rest. Akira will be here by the end of the afternoon, and I want you already awake when he comes! He deserves it, poor Akira."

The Kaichou started tucking him in bed – worse, pretending he was tucking him in bed, because his white pale hands couldn't touch the sheets. Suoh felt very sleepy all of a sudden.

"Will you be here when I wake up?", he asked with a yawn.

Nokoru raised his head.

"Of course", he lied, smiling.

Suoh closed his eyes contently, as Nokoru lowered his head and kissed him.

The ghost of a sensation touched his lips, and, already slipping into unconsciousness, he smiled, and the faint touch in his hands, a last goodbye, was the last thing he felt before he escaped to the land of darkness.

Thanks to: Excalibur Fansub!

Glossary:

Kaichou: President, Chairman.