title: what if we ruin it all?

a/n: blehhhhhhhhhhhh these two won't leave me alone. i've become so obsessed with them it's unhealthy.. like seriously.. if they don't get together by the end of s3 i will cry. xD

yeah, so it's more of a prologue than a chapter buuuuuuut..

summary: It is only three years later when things start making sense. / Wherein Maya enters NYU, and Josh tries to find himself... or her, of all means. —josh/maya, and whatever's next.

and he watches still
(prologue)

Josh watches.

He watches because it's all he can do. He watches his mum, and his dad... and then Eric, and Cory, and Morgan. He watches and it's almost, almost like he can understand them, Eric's facade, Cory's dreams, Morgan's heart, but then they're off, somewhere, and Josh is left to watch and count the days until he's off, too.

(It's a lot longer than he'd have made it out to be.)

The next person he watches is Riley. Riley, his niece, a responsibility at his age he does not understand, and it's nothing more than watching old Philadelphia skies, right?... because she's another "someone", a facade, a dream, a heart, a whatever, that comes and goes before Josh can figure it out. That's what he hates. Change. He hates having everything so... unmitigated, so sure in his mind... and then for it only to crumble down like some lego bricks. And then he's all the way back to the beginning. Like there's something wrong with him. (Maybe there is.)

And that's why whatever culpability he has to take up; whatever it will lead him to, he wants Riley to come first. He doesn't want to lose her, or run away, so he has to start over, all again, fresh and new (eugh).

Riley is not a Philadelphia sky, nor a facade (but she's a colourful dreamer, and has probably the biggest heart Josh has lived to learn).

Riley is not going to leave, and yes, she'll change, of course she will, but she won't run away. It's time for Josh to grow up, isn't it?

That's what he decides at eight years old, five-year-old Riley Matthews looping desks and constellations. That's what Josh decides as he watches her.

At nine years old Josh meets another Riley. But perhaps this one... a little on the frenzied side. Unruly. Crazy blonde hair, but beautiful. (Josh pinches himself at nine years old because she is six, for Christ's sake.) Her name is "Maya", says Riley, that same cooed voice, unchanged, of some understanding (thank bloody God).

And "Maya," Josh repeats, "Cool." Because it is. It really, positively is.

Riley smiles the famous Matthews smile, and tilts her head. "She's my best friend, Uncle Josh." Josh nods, all nine years old and maturity. He nods like he understands (it's not even a lie... okay, he'll understand soon enough). "She'll be my best friend forever."

Josh doesn't want to intervene. She reminds him of Cory. Another world away.

"Of course she will," promises Josh, and Riley smiles once more.

"I'm glad you are my Uncle, Josh," she says.

"Me too," he whispers back. Please don't change, he thinks, for me?

It's a month later when Josh and Riley's best friend forever actually converse. Her voice is jumpy (but then again she herself is some trampoline of messed-up emotions and strange nicknames), and she gives him weird smiles.

Josh tries to decipher this great woman of wonder, at nine years old.

Josh fails.

Josh watches.

He's barely through the whole, "I'm Josh" thing before she's off—a pogo stick it is. She's a firecracker, and Josh tries immensely hard to hide that embarrassing grin on his face.

(She comes back and bugs him time to time, and at some point Josh swears he hears a "boing" go off in his mind.)

Things become difficult at home. There are arguments, there are loud noises, there is more watching. Morgan watches with him, this time, the skies, movign stars, into daylight, her blonde hair swaying with the breeze as he sits beside him at the window sill. And then Josh wonders to himself if he should take on an astrology's life. But dare her mention it in his family house. He needs to get his degree first.

He wants to be back in New York. Skies are different there, completely different. Quiet it is here... no one sleeps back there. He wants to see Cory, the only brother of his he's been able to visit regularly, and of course he wants to see his little niece, cute, cuddly Riley, and even something in the back of his mind tugs at nostalgia of the unsteady but gorgeous (staph, Josh) Maya, the one he'd conversed (kind of) several times over the course of two months—in which both had been slightly unsettling—Riley's best friend forever at six years old.

Except Riley's no longer six, and Josh is no longer nine.

Twelve.

It's a good age for a story, isn't it?

Josh's learnt more about himself by this age than he believes he ever has in his past eleven years. He stops watches for a while—at some point he wonders why he even watches in the first place. He reads. Sometimes, he travels. He helps his dad out, and he studies, like the way he has to. Philadelphia is still boring, still hauntingly silent when it pleases, but he's at home. The loud noises stop, at some point.

And Josh realises that...

Josh learns that he isn't the mind-reader he'd thought he was.

He doesn't know. He's clueless, just clueless, and sure, he can pretend, but he's good as nothing when it comes to compassion. Josh avoids it. Josh doesn't know, not anymore.

When Josh returns to New York, Riley is almost ten. It's hard to believe she's the same age as good ol' mind-reading, in all maturity, Josh was when he last saw his niece. It's creepy, almost. He guesses that's what truth is. A deteriorating loop of coincidences. (And lies.)

"Uncle Josh!" almost screams Riley as he enters the old Cory Matthews' house. He smells all that smells as it should be, and Topanga gives him a friendly wave from the stove, as Cory gives him a shout, and two-year-old Auggie cries, and finally Riley gives him the hug he knows he's been waiting for, and it all feels like it should. And he's happy, he is, he is.

"Niece Riley," smiles Josh, and his hands tangle in her hair.

"Boing," someone says.

Josh knows it's Maya, and just as he turns to greet her after three long years, she's nowhere in sight. Josh turns back questioningly at Riley, who only shrugs in response.

"She's not usually shy, I promise."

However long, or however not long Josh has been watching Maya for, he makes out only a fool could not know that, and perhaps he is a fool, but at least that has to mean something.

School kicks his ass a bit. Morgan leaves, like Cory; like Eric. They all go, and Josh is lonely. He's almost fourteen, and he's gone back to watching. Philadelphia skies, as ever, a dire beauty, and a hundred years from New York. He rests his chin on the window sill, his arms by his face, and he lets the soft wind fall on his face. It feels so good.

He visits Riley several more times. Watching her grow up, it's relieving. Watching, it's relieving. It's something brilliant, and Josh loves it. He loves having someone where he's the one to be the protector. Riley looks up to him, and that, he loves.

At seventeen years old, Josh returns. Two years, he believes, since the last time he'd scene Niece Riley. Twelve, she'd been, still tiny, and still slightly clueless (who was the better judge Josh simply had no idea). Now she was fourteen, a teenager. How that got into his head, he still had no clue, because although once upon a time, yes he'd been that age, probably a whole deal less serious; a whole deal more frazzled, but words can't explain how he can't get passed the "little" in his eyes. The innocence. That smile.

Is she going to scream again? How was he supposed to act?

He stops himself, as Alan walks mindlessly past him. Josh hears like bat, and listens in, but daren't he move.

"Ah, wow, look at these kids..." Alan says, "It wasn't that long ago I had kids around the house."

Josh suppresses a grin as he walks in, pulling on his jacket, and he throws him his keys, saying, "Yeah, it was just this morning, wasn't it, Dad?"

Alan smiles and catches them, "Yeah, yeah... you."

"BOING?"

Josh tries not to turn his head at the outburst. But curiosity is curiosity, and Josh smiles to himself again. Of course. Riley's best friend forever. And then Riley herself becomes his focal point... she's grown. They all have.

"JOSHIE!"

Josh laughs at yet another familiar echo... Auggie, tiny Auggie comes, and up Josh hauls him, twirling him around, unbalancing him, being the least of his worries, he carefully listens in once more, with once again Riley and her reasoning, and spontaneous Maya he hasn't seen for years. At some point he lets Auggie jump off him, and Cory calls, "My brother."

Josh replies. This is what it feels like. A busy home; a happy home.

"Uncle Josh," Riley says.

"Riley!" Josh pulls her into a hug.

"Uncle Josh!"

And Josh almost falls on his feet. Maya, little blonde bob, catapults herself on him, and Josh is left pretty much, as far as cliches go, speechless. This was awkward, but nice, on a whole new level. And it was normal. Completely and utterly quotidian. Except it had been too long.

"I-I'm not your uncle, Maya—"

"Even better," she interrupts.

It's a while, but finally she lets him free, and he can breathe... kinda. He can smell the slight cinnamon-ness of her hair, and how her arms felt flailing around him. He shudders. She's three years younger than him.

"It's been a while," Josh says, and he rubs the back of his neck, because what the hell is he supposed to say in moments like these?

"It sure has," answers Maya, rolling each letter perfectly off her tongue like it's what she's born to do.

Josh stands awkwardly for moments, shifting his feet. He wonders if anyone noticed how damn flustered he looks. "Well, boy, you grew up gorgeous." And then he clamps his eyes shut and walks part the—and how he must remind himself—fourteen-year-old. Perhaps he's taking this age-gap thing too seriously, but it's almost like she's just met him, and he can't get that out of his head. Why did he say that?

Of course, Josh knows it's not a lie. He'd thought her gorgeous before she grew up, so that made him feel vaguely less perverted, but still, he shivers at that very thought.

In a year, he sees more of Maya, Riley, and the rest of Cory's little family (plus Shawn) than he's pretty sure he has in a long time, at least. He doesn't complain, because he likes things like this. He loves his parents—Alan and Amy mean the world to him, they really do, but he needs some space, once in a while, because sometimes they don't understand. God forbid him, but sometimes he looks up to them differently. Sure he does, but not in that father-figure-mother-figure way.

Sometimes that scares him.

What scares him the most though, is that he's going to college in less than a year.

Like Eric... like Cory... like Morgan.

The time, it's come, and whether he's ready, Josh can also ask himself, but he himself has no answer, so he's left seeing red. And he's confused again. Foolish guy.

There's something about Maya Josh longs to understand. He goes back to old habits, watching, identifying, trying to read minds. He hasn't done it in a while—and creepy as it sounds—he likes watching people. He loves it, in fact, because it's him seeing beyond that person, if he's able to crack the code in the first place. It's him seeing beyond that person, and if there's anything Josh really enjoys, it's understanding the picture. Because all his life it's been the opposite.

It's calming.

But then it isn't. Because whenever Maya, too-young-for-him Maya talks to him, he's addled. He fumbles for words, something to fill in that delicate gap, but always it comes out wrong. And no, no way in hell is it because there's something, whether it's the tiniest of all things, under his skin that even so looks at Maya that way. She's beautiful, yes, of course, but she's more like a sister, a second niece, to him.

He wants to keep it that way. And it annoys him that he can't comprehend what she tries to do, but it's the best it can get to.

It isn't too hard to guess Mayas's ridiculous schoolgirl crush on him. He doesn't know whether to feel honoured... happy... disgusted... alarmed (and if it's possible, shh, don't tell anyone, but it might just be possible that he feels them all), because it's creepy. But so is watching, Josh, he tells himself, watching people... people have restraining orders for that.

But Josh isn't a creep.

Sometimes she drives him crazy. Okay, scrap that, he always drives him crazy, but he knows he enjoys it, and he knows smart Maya knows that, too. He's not too hidden. He guesses. He lets Maya know that, not that he's some Satan, or not that he loves seeing her miserable she's never going to get a chance, but because he wants to know that he doesn't see her the way he used to. I guess I have to start looking at you differently.

And it's somewhere along the line when he finally understands a small part of her.

Her heart is too big for her body. She cares, she does, and perhaps sometimes too much.

It stays in him for a while, and he watches her, and he wants, he really does, to tell her to stop caring so much, because it has to be torturing her, but he hasn't found the right time. It's always wrong for him. It's always wrong for her.

But he finally does tell her. Capacities of love, whatever, Josh forgets that. It's ironic, he knows, but it's true. Josh can still feel the warmth of her hand, though.

And he watches still.

It's warm here, and the fire is crackling. He watches, silently through the door frame, Lucas and Maya. Seeing Maya grow up like this has scared him a little bit, for sure, but he knows that he needs to get over change, missing it, warping it, because it's a facet of life.

Lucas goes, and he can see the wistfulness, the somewhat sadness in her eyes. She taps her hands impatiently on her knee, as if she's waiting for someone else to pop along... and then Josh realises what he's doing, and once again this, he feels, is faintly the right time so he enters. Hopefully he's not forgetting.

Maya hears him, and rolls her eyes, but giggles slightly. "What do you want?"

"Oh, me?" Josh grins a goofy, lopsided one. "I was just standing there watching that whole thing."

Maya rolls her eyes again, in a friendly way. "Yeah, we get it... you watch stuff." She pauses. "So what do you think?"

Josh let his awkward laugh trail off, before sighing, and taking the empty seat next to Maya. So close, he thought to himself, but I don't care. He sighs again, and mutters, "I thought this." Maya looks so intently into his eyes it's almost painful. "For me to ever think that I don't need a friend like you in the world... just 'cause I'm a little older... and that would make me a lot less mature that I want to be."

Maya's response is a little upholding. "You know, Boing." Aaaaand here we go again. "There are six years out of the year between our birthdays when we are only two years apart, like..." Maya looks at her "watch". "...oh, I don't know... right now! So how about this? We get the whole hold hand six weeks out of the year." She grins. "I'll take it!"

"You can do that," nods Josh. "But how about I like my deal better."

Pause. Pause pause pause.

"You once said you were playing the long game?" One of those times Josh had expected a proper answer from his system—turned slightly more awkward than hoped...

Maya looks at him. "I like you, Josh. It's you I like."

Josh doesn't want to say anything.

Josh wants to stay looking into her eyes.

She's three years younger than him.

He doesn't give a fuck.

"I like you, too."

Her smile is so reassuring, so perfect, he's actually glad he'd said that.

"And I'd never want you not to be in my life... now about—"

"Boyfriend and girlfriend now," declares Maya. Back she is.

"No," says Josh.

"Boyfriend and girlfriend eventually."

Josh can't get an answer from him. It's different. He rubs his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, and looks slyly back at Maya, heart pounding out of his chest.

She looks at him pointedly, almost screeching, "You're not saying no!" Josh shakes his head to himself... now what had he signed up for? "You have to say something!"

And Josh, he comes to his conclusion. "I'll play the long game. You live your life, I'll live mine... and I know you're out there, and... and I'm out here, too."

And they shake on it.

Someday.

If you don't forget.

a/n: okay, so it's one in the morning, and i had to write this and blehhh my feels. also, i'm uuuber excited for girl meets bear, because THAT JOSHAYA SCENE. bleh. so yeah.. this is just a prologue, and i missed out tons, because i'm going crazy and inspiration, but you get the idea. the next chapter will (hopefully) be up soon, and will be starring maya hart... in college. haha. :D