Disclaimer: I do not own the spin-off Torchwood.
Warnings: A few counts of bad language, minor sexual references and an awful lot of dialogue. Dive right in.
"Owen I don't think this was one of your best ideas."
"Shut it tea-boy, this was genius."
"Clearly it wasn't. Besides, the last time you said that Tosh had to be put off duty for a week while she recovered."
"How was I supposed to know she was working?"
"This is Tosh, if she's not unconscious she's working."
"She completely overreacted anyway…"
"You deleted a years worth of data."
"Not on purpose!"
"You still did it!"
"She still overreacted!"
"A years work!"
"…"
"…"
"I did make it up to her."
"I'd hardly call going out with you suitable compensation."
"I'd hardly call shagging Jack 'Weevil hunting'."
"What- how do you-"
"Oh Christ I was just teasing. You guys actually…?"
"…"
"That… is so much more than I ever needed to know about you and the boss."
"Owen-"
"I think I need some Retcon."
"Owen listen-"
"Or alcohol. Whichever knocks me out quicker."
"Owen will you get your head out of that cupboard and listen to me!"
"…"
"Thank you. Look that's not important right now. What is however is your total lack of common sense!"
"You are such a drama queen!"
"No Owen I'm just sensible."
"Not sensible enough to not shag on the job I see- oh close your mouth you look like you're trying to swallow flies!"
"You are so-"
"Though if what Tosh says is true you prefer swallowing something else…"
"Tosh? What?"
"Tosh monitors the CCTV, remember? Apparently you and Jack have been putting on 'one hell of a show'."
"…"
"Yeah I know."
"That's…"
"Plain weird. Definitely weirder than some of the alien shit that gets thrown our way anyway. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with her either."
"… Does she really…?"
"Yeah. But if it helps I don't think Jack knows about it."
"How does that help?"
"Less embarrassment for the gay boys?"
"Hey!"
"Oh shut up you know I'm right! And you also know I was completely justified in tonight's actions."
"No, everything you've done has just been one big, bad idea!"
"Don't write my plans off so quickly tea-boy, you'll be surprised at how well it's going to work once it comes back."
"I'm just surprised you've got this far and haven't gotten injured to be honest- oh wait…"
"Fuck off it only grazed my shoulder."
"Honestly- all your ideas end in disaster Owen, I mean that sedative was only meant to knock her out and instead it's-"
"Alright there were some problems-"
"'Some problems?'"
"Okay fine a few! But the important thing is that it's all sorted out."
"The damage to the hub?"
"Can be fixed."
"Who'd you think has to do that?"
"Some useless guy who shags his boss in his spare time?"
"Owen."
"I'm just saying!"
"Why do you have to cause so many problems?"
"Hey I was trying to solve one when this whole mess happened."
"It was completely unnecessary."
"Says you, you're not the one who got dive bombed every time you walked through the fucking door!"
"Maybe if you weren't so unlikeable it wouldn't happen!"
"Oh what so you're safe because you're secretly a princess and everything loves you?"
"How the hell does Tosh put up with you?"
"I don't know, how the hell did you put up with Lisa?"
"You son of a-"
"OW that hurt you arsehole!"
"You are such a bastard!"
"Least' I didn't nearly kill the entire team because I was too hung up on my Cyberman girlfriend!"
"At least I didn't shoot Jack in the head because I couldn't handle my girlfriend leaving me!"
"I'm going to kill you-"
"Wait, what's that?"
"I don't care now hold still while I-"
"Be quiet! Listen."
"…"
"…"
"Oh shit."
"Oh no."
"They're coming back."
"As soon as they see this place they're going to be so-"
"Hide!"
"We can't just hide!"
"Do you fancy getting chewed out by Gwen, Tosh and Jack, all at the same time?"
"…"
"Didn't think so now hide you idiot!"
"Where?"
"Anywhere just get out of- oh shit the door!"
"Ah, that took forever."
"Ianto can you get me some coffee? I need some of your coffee magic so bad."
"..."
"..."
"Ianto?"
"Hello? Anybody in- JESUS CHRIST WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED?"
"Gwen what on earth are you shouting about- OH MY GOD!"
"Ladies what's wrong with- woah what the fuck?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"The-the hub, it's- it's been attacked!"
"I didn't get any alerts! The Hub Defence System is meant to notify our devices in the event of an emergency!"
"Maybe the system got disabled- Ianto? Owen? Are you guys here?"
"IANTO? OWEN?"
"When I find who's responsible for this I'm going to tear them limb from limb."
"Jack!"
"I mean it Gwen! Who ever trashed my hub is going to get some serious pain, and God if they've hurt them…"
"I'll access the CCTV and find out exactly what happened here!"
"For Christ's sake Tosh do it quickly! Who knows what happened to Owen and Ianto!"
"... Okay, I'm just pulling up the feeds- ARGH!"
"Tosh!"
"SOMETHING JUST GRABBED MY LEG- Ianto? What are you doing under my desk?"
"Er..."
"Ianto are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Jack-"
"What the hell happened Ianto?"
"And where's Owen? Is he alright?"
"Was there an attack? Why didn't you call us?"
"And what were you doing under Tosh's desk?"
"I was… cleaning?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"… It was all Owen's idea I swear I had nothing to do with it-"
"You arsehole you had as much a part in it as I did!"
"Owen where the hell did you come from?"
"Owen are you alright?"
"Owen what happened here?"
"Ianto I'm going to remember this so the next time you slip up I will not be patching you back together afterwards-"
"Owen- what the fuck happened here?"
"I mean it tea-boy now look, Jack, I can explain everything."
"Start talking – wait, you're the one who destroyed my hub?"
"Ianto helped!"
"Don't pin this on me!"
"Can somebody please tell me what's going on?"
"Quiet Gwen- now both of you- talk. Why does my hub look like it's just been attacked by a group of rampaging Weevils?"
"…"
"…"
"Tell me."
"… I was just trying to make our lives easier."
"Don't you mean 'your' life Owen?"
"Fuck off tea-boy I was doing everybody a favour!"
"Everyone except Myfanwy."
"What happened to Myfanwy?"
"Who the heck is Myfanwy?"
"The pterodactyl Gwen, the one which flies around the hub."
"Because its so easy to get confused with the other pterodactyl..."
"You actually named it?"
"People I am trying to get the story here!"
"..."
"Sorry."
"Sorry Jack."
"… Alright now keep talking, what does Myfanwy have to do with anything- where is Myfanwy now that you mention it?"
"…"
"…"
"Owen, Ianto, what did you do?"
"It was Owen! I only came in to it when Myfanwy started going berserk and that was only to try and calm her down!"
"She didn't go berserk she just had a little reaction to the sedative that's all…"
"Sedative?"
"Owen decided it would be smart to try sedate Myfanwy but it shockingly affected her brain and she started going on a rampage around the hub!"
"Why were you trying to sedate Myfanwy?"
"I don't know – why were you trying to sedate her Owen? Tell him."
"Owen?"
"… I just wanted to teach her a lesson that's all."
"A lesson Owen?"
"Yes Jack, a lesson. That stupid bird-"
"It's a pterodactyl actually Owen."
"Ye- I know, Tosh. Anyway, that stupid pterodactyl has been bothering me ever since you and Ianto first brought it in, and right after you guys left it went and-"
"She accidentally knocked over some equipment and startled Owen."
"I can tell this story by myself you know Ianto!"
"I just thought I should give Jack the unbiased facts because the way you described it you'd think Myfanwy tried to kill you!"
"She did!"
"No she didn't she was just curious-"
"Oh curious in the same way she is about sheep?"
"Will you two stop bickering all ready? You've freaked us all out enough tonight, we deserve to at least know what the hell happened here!"
"…"
"…"
"Thanks Gwen."
"You're welcome Jack."
"Now, go on."
"… Well like I said, I wanted to teach her a lesson so I thought I'd put those little electric shockers –the ones on Tosh's desk- on it's wings, so any time it tried to attack me-"
"Myfanwy does not attack you."
"-So whenever it tried to attack me I could just press a button and zap, it would go away."
"Owen that's cruel!"
"Actually Gwen the electric shockers he's talking about wouldn't cause her much pain at all… they'd be rather ineffective come to think of it."
"… Seriously?"
"We went through all that for nothing?"
"Hey, who's we?"
"Can we please just concentrate on telling me what happened? I'm getting sick of you four arguing all the time so be QUIET!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Thank you- okay, Owen. So you sedated Myfanwy and she reacted violently towards you – but even if she's mad Myfanwy cannot do this much damage, her claws can't slash through metal like that. So how did my hub come to be like this?"
"… Well that sedative Jack? It's got quite a big effect on pterodactyls."
"How big are we talking Owen?"
"Try 'bigger than a fucking house' Jack."
"… Are you trying to tell us that…"
"Yes Tosh. Owen made Myfanwy grow to a size bigger than three of the SUV's combined."
"And when something's that big and it goes on a rampage…"
"There's not really much you can do."
"Except hide."
"In the archives."
"We kept watch using the CCTV."
"Though most of the camera's got broken before the end."
"We came back out when Myfanwy eventually got bored and left-"
"Myfanwy left?"
"How can a pterodactyl get out of the hub? It's not like she could have opened a d-"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Right, now about the roof."
See this is what happens if I don't sleep for two days.
I am so sorry.
Don't regret a thing though.