Hello! This is the first chapter of my Self Insert story!
I got scolded by how bad the first version was so I redesigned it! I hope you like it!
Present time, asteroid field of uncharted system somewhere in Hades Gamma cluster
Ugh...I feel weird... Where am I? Why do I feel like I went through some brutal fight and barely won?
Wait a sec...this feels like...am I dreaming? Okay wake up wake up
The scene before my eyes surprises the hell out f me.
Woah! What the hell? Where am I? This place looks like a futuristic lab of some kind...but why I can't move?
I try to free myself and look around a bit more, only to notice that I'm bound by shackles that could bind even a krogan. Which makes me laugh a little inside.
But from Krogan my thoughts go to how dangerous they are and how surely I would die if I were to fight them,
and that makes me think how Shepard could practically dance around them...and that somehow makes me me think this:
Man I want to listen Dance of the death by Iron Maiden right now.
And as if someone heard my thoughts, something on my wrist started playing it...
something that glows orange...
…
Is that an omnitool on my wrist?
Omnitool would point to Mass Effect...
I look around the empty room I'm in. Its scheme certainly fits in Mass effect...and so does the icon on the door...
oh the door is opening ! I wonder wh-
My eyes bulge out. Salarians?
W-T-F?
Okay so I'm in Mass Effect or this is very bad joke.
I wonder why I'm bound like this though...
hey I know! if this is real, maybe their omnitools have the answer...
If I could just hack them and see the info in my vision...
HEY What THE HELL? I almost shout out as the info suddenly pops up in my vision.
I-I...
What?
I am an android?
This. got. to. be. the. worst. joke. EVER!
That has to be a joke. Otherwise I would be able to think hundreds of times faster and see everything in slow motion...
…*it happens, everything slows down to crawl, 1/100 of normal speed, cue in my huge surprise*
oookay...I think I'll just stop thinking about it now... so far whatever I want to happen has happened...further strengthening idea that I'm in Mass Effect and I have been turned into Android.
...
But this is nice...
That datapad one of the salarians dropped has been dropping for about fifteen seconds now?
This could be useful in battle...
But What is that number I see in my vision? 99.999...99.998...99.997
I think about it and suddenly info pops into my vision.
oh...it's my energy level and estimate how long I can retain this speed...
I think I want to be real time now
*it happens*
thanks...whoever is controlling this and apparently is able to read minds...
I wonder what year...
okay 2183... this is nice...whatever I want to know pops up whenever I need it...oh but that year reminds me...
Has Saren attacked Eden prime yet?
My eyes bulge out again from the information
oh...shit...he has and it happened two days ago...
Okay NOW I want to know...
What the hell has happened to me since 2012?
After thinking about that I suddenly remember...
I've been in Mass Effect universe for 22 years...
Oh hell NO!
*my 'memories' in brief summary*
22-13 Years ago
Death killed me and planted my consciousness/soul/whatever to stillborn baby in Mass Effect for reasons unknown to me.
2 months later I met Shepard and my memories of Mass Effect were Sealed by Death.
I had to grow up the normal way in totally unknown world and time without anyone I knew supporting me. With Shepard.
True to my nature I studied all I could about everything.
I managed to make one omnitool capable of hacking, Energy drain and Tactical cloak with one simple button press and another with omniblade during my 8th year.
Then it goes fuzzy for while...
Until Mindoir was attacked with me there...*use your imagination and imagine most horrible things sentient can do to another, and it's much worse than that*
OH SHIT NO! No no! I don't want to see this! I want to see how I ended up as an ANDROID?
The last thought results in nothing happening...except small wall of text appearing in my vision explaining events I can't remember
(AN: this wall of text will be shown as independent "story" since it's full of a lot of boring stuff)
and that happened just before "I woke up"...
Which was yesterday? what the? trip down the memory lane took how many hours? 20? Mitä helvettiä?
oh hell no! this is just plain weird!
I would NEVER accept my fate that easily! Whenever I get out of this place I'm going to find a way home!
*enter smug grin*
This should be piece of cake the enemies are only some thugs...
*enter appropriate face:*
oh shit...Mass Effect...means...REAPERS!
*enter total panic mode*
Oh hell no! No nO NO No NOO! I'm NOT going to stay here and fight them! I'm going to find a way out before that! but how the hell? maybe...
*enter bright idea expression*
My silent musings are interrupted as suddenly, without any warning, dozen explosions rock the place and as suddenly as explosions come, they end and sounds of gunfire and several agonizing yells of pain and death take their place.
I almost shit my pants from all the sudden noise What the hell is going on? Shepard is supposed to come in an hour according to that man! Who the hell is wreaking havoc?
I barely manage to come out of my standby mode in time to notice Salarian in STG armor looking at me.
My eyes bulge out in surprise "what? How? What is going on? Salarian? STG? I thought Shepard was supposed to come and rescue me!" I say aloud to him Shit I got to suppress all my feelings and FOCUS! I'm NOT going to end up like al those SI's that wallop in grief of losing their life! I'm going to help stop Saren and then figure out way back home!
The salarian is surprised for fraction of second. Then his eyes burrow as he clearly thinks what I said.
he then starts talking to himself(?) "yesterday one human ,my friend, sent message of our operation here to Shadow broker and asked him to tell Shepard. He was last one to visit this room before that so logical that Ship seen coming on nearest relay, one hour away, is Shepard and she is coming to get you. Our top project. "he says and after dramatic pause points his finger at me" You are an AI. Why seek help of enemy of Saren, an ally of synthetics?"He asks me with expression that screams his suspicion.
If this were anime ,vein would pop in my head right now, but since this is not I just look at him hard before making my body take deep breath in order to prepare it for my rant: "I'm not an AI you lizard! I'm HUMAN even though I somehow got to this freaking weird body and my thoughts seem to go at speed of light or speed of electrons or whatever freaking fast anyway! Saren is working for Reapers, who destroy ALL advanced life every 50 000 years so go figure! Now get me out of these restraints so I can get the hell out of here!"I shout in frustration to him. Snarl would be better word.
"illogical thinking ,emotions, you behave like a human yet you are not. I take this related to secret information package Mi'tala sent to you yesterday...I take it that you were her secret experiment for immortality?" He asks me.
I try to shrug my shoulders and seeing I can't I roll my eyes at his comment.
"I don't know about that but last thing I remember is floating in space before passing out and then I felt immense pain throughout my head until I finally was dumped into this thing. I managed to see some salarian and human before the fucking AI took back control and I had to fucking rip its programming to shreds to get control back. Later I asked that human to ask Shepard to come here. So fuck that shit and get me out. I can't be bound when Shepard comes or she'll think I'm weak! " I say and I try to get my body moving.
The Salarian looks at me and this time confusion is etched to his face instead of suspicion "hmmm...very unusual...you seem more and more human by the minute..."he says and thinks for a while. I look around while he thinks and see salarian bodies everywhere. Then I see one of them rise up and point his gun at the STG guy.
"LOOK OUT! BEHIND YOU! "I yell. He reacts immediately by rolling to the side, turning around and shooting at the salarian who barely missed him.
Then he looks at me. He is even more confused now."unexpected. You helped me. "he says.
I roll my eyes at that and manage to see doors opening to reveal nothing visible until in hunch I look through other feeds than visible light. That is when I realize what is coming. Geth Hunters. What the fuck? Mass Effect 2 already? But the date is two days after attack on eden prime! Shit! It seems me coming to this universe 22 years ago really has changed things...
I think all that in less than second and manage to hatch plan involving my limited abilities
"Shit! Geth hunters!" I yell and feel my omnitool flare to life as I use the implant to hack one of the geth. The implant allows me to use certain functions on my omnitool through mental commands, Handsfree! The hacked one shoots the other and again the STG guy rolls away and to cover and watches in amazement as the other geth rips other in shreds. Ican't help but smile briefly.
"Come on shoot it! My hack ends soon!" I yell at him and he quickly sends an overload to the winner geth which was hacked by me. Damn this implant is handy! Whoever did this shit to me sure knew what tricks I had in my disposal!
The salarian is very surprised at the events "very unusual...You could have killed me with it or not said anything...Well you saved my life three times now so I think I can trust you." he says and uses some joystick- like controls which opens my shackles that has kept me bound for so long. I'm free!
But as I have not walked in a while I stumble out and land face first to floor. I then struggle a little and after few seconds of adjusting I rise up.
I mutter "damn...I'm not used to this body...ouch...now my nose is bleeding..." as I rise up and manage to get my hand to hold my nose.
"here, some medigel." the STG guy says and I feel something cold on my nose and instantly feel better. Damn I love this life! Thanks Death!
"thanks...I'm John J*** P*****. and if year is 2183 then I should be 22" I say to him as I remember what year I was reborn as John and as I do that I extend my hand to him. He looks at it and after shrugging his shoulders he takes and shakes it.
He smiles at me while introducing himself "Kreg Paus, STG ,22 earth years old too. You are young for your species and I'm in middle age for mine. Odd when you think about it."
I snicker and retort "Yeah and babies by Krogan and Asari standards..."
He smiles at that.
As we stop shaking our hands I check that my new body moves like I want "okay what happened to the human that send the message?."I ask him as I feel ready to kick ass again
He shakes his head sadly "he said he had to atone for his sins and tried to kill Mi'tala, the asari in charge of this station."
"damn...so what should we do now?"I say while thinking how stupid it was to remind that guy of his duty to humanity.
"wait until Spectre Shepard comes. Until then we have to survive. Do you know how to use firearms?" Paus asks me.
I smile and nod "give me something for long range and is semiautomatic. Do you have Viper? Mattock could be good too...though Gauss rifle would be best but I'm sure you do not have one...But if not those then just double pistols" I say to him listing my favorite Mass Effect weapons. I knew only how to use old finnish army Assault rifles and pistols, but I got to use Sniper rifle once and I LIKED it (except it was too heavy for me...). But I was confident I could use ME weapons without a trouble.
He smiles and goes to search the bodies. After a minute he comes back and opens locker next to me.
In it is shining black-purple armor (ME1 Medium class Colossus armor with red being Dark purple and black being black with slight purple tint)
I'm completely flabbergasted "damn! This thing is expensive! How did you get your hands to it and why give it to me?" I ask him in accusatory glance.I knew how expensive it is because of Mass Effect...23 years ago when I was still in my original universe and time...that I call Norm-Verse and this is ME-verse...
The STG guy looks uncomfortable"questions irrelevant now. You have one minute to get suited up! You have the under-suit already so start already!" He orders me, almost skillfully dodging my question.
"yeah yeah."I say and go to 'bullet time', as in change my perception of time, and then I quickly put the suit on. To me it took hell of a lot time to figure out how to put it on but in real time it took exactly minute. As I manage to beat the time he gave me I smile a victorious smile
He looks at me, nonplussed by my speed "hmm...I take you sped up your perception of time and that way figured things out easier and world seemed to go in slow motion?" Paus asks me
This takes me back "uhm...yes that's right...how? Oh never mind. Any weapons for me?"I decide to handwave it. This is too weird already. First Death decides to use me as experiment and then takes away my memories of Mass Effect so I can't change things for 22 years! Until this thing happened I had no Idea of it thought...but now I feel used and angry!
Paus nods and beckons me to follow "we have to go to armory to get you some. But for now I can give you these two pistols that the other salarian scientists used. There are some SMG's and shotguns here but since you specified I give you these." he says and throws me two predator pistols.
I take them and after quickly scanning them I nod "yeah okay...thanks." I say and take both of them Akimbo style. Thank god I used to train with left-handed shooting.
He looks through his kuwashii visor before motioning towards the door the geth came in from."there are several geth platforms outside. Take to the left and it's the second door." he says and lets me take point.
"okay." I say and take quick look that my omnitools have the attacks I had on my own before this. I smile as I notice that sure, I have the Energy Drain on left and omniblade on right one.
We open the door and sure there are some troopers. I launch ED to one and run up to another and stab it with omniblade. It screeches before shutting down.
"Impressive." Paus says and I can't help but smirk behind my helmet. We run into one geth on the door but I hacked it and Paus finished. Damn I love this hack program! It takes almost whole capacity of my left omnitool along with energy drain but damn the program is effective! it seems the me during the 22 years here sure knew what I'd like to have!
As we get to armory we lock the door.
I sigh from relieve "now...lets see what we have here."I say and look around . There are hell of a lot of weapons. One huge gun particular gets my attention but it weighs too much for me to take. Some uses heat ventilation system and some replaceable heat sinks (thermal clips). I take good look and choose Viper sniper rifle and Vindicator-looking AR that uses heat ventilation. I show it to Paus and and decide to ask if he knows answer to question in my mind.
"I thought everyone uses heat ventilation like this. Why there are some with replaceable heat sinks, or thermal clips as the package here says?"I ask him. It always puzzled me with Jacob's loyalty quest and Zaeed's stories when I played them so long ago.
He looks at me and then does the 'Mordin effect' where he sniffs a lot of air in and exhales.
"Turian and human militaries use mostly ventilation systems so it's mostly used way in Citadel space. They use ventilation system because it allows soldiers to move lighter. Otherwise thermal clip system is widely used. Especially by major merc groups in the terminus system because it allows one to continue firing after weapon has been overheated by enemy's sabotage. Also geth use it but for other reasons. Why ask?"
I look at him as if he was an idiot "because I had an illusion that everyone uses the venting system. Anyway can you make it so I can fire without venting with this baby?" I ask him and give him the gun I was handling. I don't even try to ask why they do not combine and use both systems! Sure they take space but who cares?
He thinks for while before answering"hmm...possible but have to use cooling laser system to fire cooled rounds that snap-freeze what it hits and slightly better ventilation system and have to replace the rails to frictionless materials that are not so effective, so it loses some power. Possible yes but makes this gun fire at slower rate and like I said, less powerful." he answers as he takes the gun from me.
I can't help but smile behind my helmet. Weapon that can fire until ammo blog is depleted? Priceless!
I nod "Do it and name it Freezer. I can use disruptor rounds on Viper and this other assault rifle." I say as I take out Mattock and start working on it. It's good that I took time to learn a lot of technobabble during my new 22 years.AAGH! I just thought that it was ME who learned these things during those 22 years! damn I think I'm losing my sanity here!
Paus is visibly surprised by that "two assault rifles and sniper rifle? Unusual, very unusual. Heavy load too..."he says while working on the gun. His hand move so fast that normal human would not be able to see his hands. But I'm now anything but normal.
I nod at him"yeah but I noticed that I can barely feel their weight so having 3 hard hitting guns seemed fitting. But the monster there is apparently close to 30kg or more while these are barely 15 together."
He nods continues working on the gun. Few minutes later he is ready and I put the weapons on my back when I notice something odd.
"what is that?" I point to backpack of some kind. Metallic backpack with red cross.
Paus looks at it and shrugs his shoulders while answering
"my 2nd greatest invention I did while I was here. It's backpack. It also has extra power cells to use to help shields regenerate faster. I thought that someone could use something like this on the battle field to carry extra medigel, ammunition ,thermal clips and grenades. You want it? It has magnetic locks for carrying weapons and mass effect field generators to compensate for its weight up to 3 hours."
"Hell yeah! Can it be integrated to this armor?"
"yes"
I smirk like madman but he doesn't see it. I can hear my sis and bro groaning at my antics.
I go and put the backpack on and just as I manage to put weapons on their places, one AR to left side, one to right and sniper rifle to top, the door opens and five geth platforms burst in.
I quickly go into slowmo and take my Freezer to right hand and hack the last geth to get in with left hand while bumping to Paus so he falls behind cover. All this while shooting the geth one handed. They manage to take out my shields but not much more before I'm back in cover.
I come out of Slowmo and energy drain the closest one.
Paus is bemused by this "thanks...that was fourth time you saved me...I'm getting sloppy when rookie saves me this many times."
"you're welcome!" I say and quickly roll to other cover and take grenade from table on top of me ,see that to activate it I just have to take out cover and press button and wait few seconds. I smirk and do so and throw it to middle of the geth just so it explodes when it gets to their middle. The explosion is deafening and I see frags landing all over the place.
Grinning like a little kid on the candy store I shout "so that's what it does!"
But Paus doesn't get it "nice throw! This place is compromised. We have 20 minutes until they are here and 10 until they are within range to hail."
"got it. Where should we go?and sorry for late question but how many enemies and what kind should I expect?"
"Defense control room is the best place. There are two routes there, through the ducts and through the halls. You can't fit the ducts but it's safest route."
"So we split up?"
"yes. I'll go through the ducts and you go through the halls. We have to get there within 5 minutes if you don't want our rescuers to be blown up before they get here?"
"good point. Where...oh thanks...map helps a lot. And the opposition?"
"between us and that place? If we are lucky, only geth but if unlucky the salarian scientists. There should be 20 salarians here and the Bitch herself. I'm not sure how many geth there are. But if we are very unlucky...they'll release the krogan and varren they have experimented on...Other than that...only test subject was you and your predecessors...who all went mad when The bitch tried to give them boost...but if your story is to be believed, she tried to transfer organic mind to machine...in order to figure out how to make man immortal..." then he curses in salarian which my translator doesn't pick up.
"uhmm what you said?"
"salarian curses. Lets go and good luck." he says and hops to duct before I can clarify that I meant to other thing he said. I curse and send SOS.
"May-day May Day this is John Juha P***** requesting aid from anyone who is against Saren.
I'm trapped in station owned by Saren Arterius. STG agent Kreg Paus freed me but we are being
overwhelmed by geth forces. Please hurry. We are currently trying to
take GARDIAN defense turrets out of commission.
After I make that into loop I quickly check fastest way to our goal. I smile as I notice how simple layout this place has and take of running as fast as I can towards the place we agreed on. And when I say fast, I mean really fast. I was surprised at my speed myself. 60Km/h.
I manage to run whopping 2 minutes zigzag before I run into geth on the door to the place. I smirk even wider and cloak. Then I run past them while leaving one frag grenade behind. Just as the cloak ends and grenade detonates I reach safety of the small computer panel.
I then look at the duct above me and sure enough Paus is there. I wink and then send energy drain to nearest geth as he lands next to me and starts fiddling the main computer. Whaat?
"Did we just take shelter behind the main computer?"I ask him.
He nods while doing something "yes but irrelevant now. I shut down the turrets and started downloading some important research data. Perhaps you should tell them about armory and its big gun in your looping message? You better use some slang so geth has hard time understand it."
"slang? I don't...oh...thanks...if Shepard is who I think she is...she'll understand the message and she then knows she can trust me." I say as I remember the code I developed with my new sister. Sister I acquired when I was reborn to ME-verse. New sister that I noticed is now the infamous Commander Shepard
"Potato-o-liz sniffles as geth-banana cackles .Apple is hop doo pop doo clack Kahuna macho! Potato-o-liz blink-trollen stop, Shit is Saren Arterius"
Paus is baffled by the message "what the hell was that?" he asks me
I on the other hand am barely able to hold my laughter "our code...If I'm right I knew Shepard back on Mindoir and before that...and we developed that code...I can't tell you what is what but it's has all info she needs"
Paus shakes his head at that"oh...If I have trouble wrapping my head around that...there is no way they would. Lets hope you are right."
We then start taking out the geth as they arrive. For some reason they seemed to become better. Like they were same units over and over.
Five minutes of intensifying fighting later we hear a radio message that tells me I was right.
"YOU ***#¤*#*¤*#¤¤*# brother! I mean POTATO! Hulky gift! Woshdu! Mulan is pat-o-lips-grind. kit"
The message puzzles the geth and Paus but it makes me very happy, to the point of laughing out loud
"She is the one! But she is angry and happy as hell! She understood but wants answers after this is dealt with" I say to Paus and smile like I just got best Christmas present in years...in March...
I had somehow become adopted little brother to Shepard...and she is just about to come and rescue me. Ain't that nice!
AN:Okay I completely revamped this series...
This is language I devised, I'm going to use it as secret language between me and Shepard.
Potato=me the protagonist!
o=and
liz=friendly salarian male
sniffles=is/are in big trouble and requesting aid
geth-banana= geth-bad synthetics
cackles=is trying to something really bad, like killing/torturing someone
Apple= a great gift
hop=go left
doo=go straight until something stops you, as in corner or another road/hallway
pop=go right
doo-clack=open the last door of the hallway
Kahuna=armory
Macho= badass gun.
Blink=light/laser
trollen=Big immobile gun
Hulky=I'm angry at you
gift=I'm glad for you
Woshdu=message understood! Ay ay! yes sir/ma'am!
Mulan=Shepard, warrior heroine of legend anyone? Her official name is Jane though...in Alliance records...birth-name Mulan Athene Katsumi Shepard, Daughter of Captain Hannah Shepard. Loss of father - memory loss and stranded on earth but adopted with me to Mindoir...under rather ridiculous name that she HATES.
Pat=coming to rescue
lips-grind= you have some explanation to do and It's better be good one
pat-o-lips-grind=I'm coming to your rescue but after that you have to explain things to me and the explanation is better be good one.
Kit=in a moment ,around 2-15 minutes