JEM: Auger's Bedtime Story
Jem and Inhumanoids are property of Hasbro.
"Auger, read me a story." Ba Nee insisted.
Auger cocked an eyebrow.
"You're eight years old! You don't need- oh, fine. You win this round."
Auger situated himself onto the bed and cleared his throat.
In the middle of nowhere was a land called Tulsa, Oklahoma. In that land sometime around the early '80s, there lived a knight named Chromedome, who was called that because he want bald around age 16, and his enemies called him that to hurt his feelings. But Chromedome decided that he was going to take their insult and wear it as a badge of pride, but enough's enough. Anyways, Chromedome would've gone and done knightly things, but since any yahoo who joined the army was doing his job for him, he decided to go around and race muscle cars all day while rocking out to Joan Jett and other righteous icons of punk.
"There aren't any cars in stories like these!"
"Kid, who's telling this story? Now, as I was saying…"
In '82, Chromedome's idleness came to an end when his older brother Sir Nag told him to stop racing around in muscle cars and do something with his life. So Chromedome left for the Oklahoma Technology Institute and graduated with a shiny degree in '86. But since he was still a young man, he decided to go beat the snot out of people for a living as a boxer. He was so good at this that he won the Heavyweight Golden Gloves, at which point he decided it was time to let someone else beat the snot out of other people.
So, Chromedome went to Seattle because he heard there was work there. But when he got there, he ran into a wizard named Buckeye and his girlfriend Dandelion Hair.
"But-"
"Who's telling the story?"
Au- I mean, Chromedome decided that he liked Buckeye and they became good friends. So much so that when Dandelion Hair and Buckeye got married, Chromedome was the best man. But there was a problem- Buckeye had another friend named…named…
"Named what?"
"I'm thinking!"
Oh yeah- his name was Cire Mondray. Buckeye thought he was a good man, but Chromedome saw he was about as trustworthy as a guy who sells vacuum cleaners door-to-door. Chromedome would've beat the snot out of Mondray, but the guy had really good lawyers.
"Lawyers?"
"Kiddo, lawyers are pretty powerful. Now-"
Chromedome was there when Buckeye's wife popped out a couple of girls over the next three years. The first was named Dandelion Hair II, and the other was named Kimmy. They took in two foster kids when Kimmy was three, and then Dandelion Hair the First died in a plane crash when Kimmy was 9.
"Wait a second…"
"Who's telling this story?"
Chromedome was there at the funeral, and then he found some other knights about five years later. There was Sir Herc the Bland, Sir Egghead the Killjoy, and Sir Other Egghead the Bearded. Buckeye gave them money until they got a federal grant, then they got a new knight named Sir Marcus the Military Brat, and then an evil sorcerer named…oh, Evil McEyepatch bribed a guy who was giving them funding and got it cut off when a giant octopus freed a zombie dragon that McEyepatch was worshipping. Fortunately for the knights, McEyepatch's sister Greenhorn McRich gave them money if she would get to be a knight, and then the six knights went on many adventures beneath the Earth and kicked the dragon, the octopus, and their demon boss in the pills at least twice each. THE END!
"Was that good enough for her Royal Highness?" Auger groaned.
Ba Nee was asleep.
"Thought so."
"Wait a second- you're bald, one of Buckeye's daughters was named Kimmy, and Cire Mondray is an anagram of 'Eric Raymond'…" Ba Nee muttered.
"You got me- I'm Chromedome. And the other knights are Earth Corps. And Buckeye and his family were the Bentons. Happy now?"