Had it been possible, Lightning would have changed it all.
If some kind of a miracle allowed it, if she could start over, she would have made sure to spend more time with Serah, she would have tried her best to be around for her. No excuses.
Despite the crazy schedules, the ridiculous work hours and the exhausting amount of energy it demanded of her, she would have made sure her sister understood how much she meant to Lightning. Serah would have known she could count on her, and Lightning would have stopped all this nonsense before it even started.
This just couldn't have gone worse than it had.
The battlefield was no place for regret, she reminded herself as she ground her teeth, fresh waves of curative magic running through her arm and pulling the skin around the gaping wound together. By the time it stopped, there was nothing but a slight scar above her elbow. One couldn't let their thoughts wander without risking winding up dead.
Her body twisted mid-leap and she threw a glance over her shoulder, making sure the youngest of the team was still in good position and flankers hadn't had their way trying to get to him. Hope gave her a shy smile, his hands still brandishing a light green glow, but she didn't have the time to return it before a blade sliced the air at her left.
Since becoming L'Cie, her entire world had become just that; a huge battlefield. It was as draining as it was unpleasant, lacking any kind of retribution. They were being hunted like animals by the same people they were ultimately trying to protect, and it made it all the more bittersweet, incredibly hard to find the will to keep on fighting.
Then again, she wasn't doing it for them. Not really. Serah was all that mattered when it came down to the wire. Lightning could allow herself that single, simple thought as she parried, countered and bolted for the next target.
In all honesty, Lightning only cared mildly for the fate of Cocoon and its inhabitants, even if she had sworn to protect them to her last breath. Her zeal and will to get back on her feet after a hard blow, after a glance at the ticking clock painted on her chest in black and deep burgundy, was elsewhere.
No matter what her Focus demanded her to do, her goal remained the same. Get Serah back, maybe get a chance to right her wrongs if she could have her selfish way, make the Fal'Cie pay for the pain and the death they all had been forced to spread, to endure.
Nothing else mattered.
Had it been possible, Lightning would have changed her old perspective.
Back then, when everything was black and white. When targets were targets and the objective was simple, when she only cared mildly for everything and everyone but Serah and the only reason to go through hell and back again was the one person she had lived for since Lightning had been born.
The reasons were so many. In retrospective, Lightning could see just how hard she had made things for her sister, how blind she had been to her desires and how selfish she must have looked in her eyes. It was simply because Lightning didn't know. She had never spared a thought to what she herself wanted, or what she possibly needed.
Her life since she could remember had been hectic. A frenzied race, she had to keep moving without stopping to take a breath, no time to appreciate what she had without when she had to look for what they would both need next. The soldier in her spurred her on, looking ahead and never back, where the pain was almost too much to bear. In that haste of moving forward, Lightning had forgotten to take a look around, to take in the good things she could have grasped tight in her fists instead of taking them for granted.
Now that she could see, she had lost most of it. Maybe it was time to consider her new circumstances; they were all doomed to become either Crystal or Cie'th after all. It could happen this very night. A small line formed in her forehead as she considered the very possible outcome, but the image of the wailing figures wandering the everlasting plains of Gran Pulse left her mind at the sound of bubbly laughter.
Lightning let the sound soothe her, icy blue eyes darting around and taking in the smiling faces of her comrades L'Cie.
Vanille was trying to recover from a fit of giggles and Hope was giving her a sideway glance, beaming. Snow had that signature goofy grin plastered all over his stupid face. Sazh kept nodding his head, a snort escaping his lips as Fang continued to chuckle. Lightning had no idea what had them this happy, but she couldn't help the smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
Her goal wasn't as simple as it used to be, and she no longer had a single person to keep safe. It was harder, it was much more complicated and it would take it to defy fate itself. But Lightning knew, she would bring Serah back, she would save Cocoon and keep her promise, she would protect her newfound L'Cie family and she would live though it to see it all unfold.
Maybe, just maybe, she would be able to find her own happiness too.
Had it been possible, Lightning would have changed places.
It feel so ridiculously unfair to have gotten this far only to see the future she had secretly allowed herself to dream about shattered to pieces. It was like a big joke from destiny, to let her have all she had gone for but the one thing she fought so hard against during her time as a L'Cie.
It had been months since their final stand against Barthandelus. It had only taken her whole world to almost come crashing down, literally, to make her see. And now she felt so damn ungrateful.
Everything she had thought she had lost was back. Just today Lightning had received a message from Hope telling her he would be visiting New Bodhum with his father next weekend. Serah was reading some awful romantic comedy for Snow, both sprawled on the battered couch of the place they had managed to put together.
Since the last battle as L'Cie, Cocoon residents had been forced to learn to do what had been done for them for centuries. They had to build and farm, hunt and survive in the wildness. Gran Pulse was harsh and unforgiving, and they had been coddled during their whole lives.
Lightning could have drown herself in it, keep herself busy as she always had. Anything to avoid thinking, anything to avoid grieving. She had for the first couple months. There had been few and scattered moments to relax, and it had made it easier, but now things were getting back to normal, or as normal as they could be. Slowly.
The former L'Cie were required for several tasks, but they weren't called in as much as they once were, and all this free time was getting on her nerves. Because she kept losing herself in thought, of what ifs and the unfairness of it all, because her eyes kept wandering to the massive crystal pillar cradling Cocoon and sometimes she just wanted to switch places with the two women holding it together.
They deserved to be here. They deserved a chance to be celebrated as the saviors they were, a chance of a normal new beginning, a chance to enjoy Gran Pulse bursting with life.
At the same time, there were days when anger would overwhelm her and turn her back into the short-sighted Lightning she had once been. Her sister would try to help her through it, and more often than not it was the pain in Serah's eyes as she made another futile attempt at comforting her that made her snap out of it. Keep yourself together.
Lightning missed them dearly, but she had yet to voice it once. It was so damn complicated to keep her inner turmoil hidden when it became so loud in her mind. They knew in spite of her silence, and there was a quiet understanding in Snow's eyes whenever she had one of those moments that made it even worse.
He had witnessed firsthand the bond between Lightning and Fang, and he knew the soldier felt responsible for the outcome of the last battle. It wouldn't be beyond Lightning to feel like she had failed the Pulsians. Serah was oblivious to the specifics and he didn't feel it was his place to inform her of the events. Lightning would speak when she was ready, if ever. Snow couldn't shake the feeling that the Pulsians would be back with them before Lightning would be ready to voice the depth of her grief.
Had it been possible, Lightning would have changed the numbness.
Three years now, three long winters and she had yet to get used to the way the tips of her fingers and toes would lose their ability to sense. A wooden winter hat in bright reds, greens and white sat atop her head, her mobility was highly compromised by the thick coat and heavy boots as she trudged through the snow after a skipping Serah. At least she wasn't being dragged along like the poor blond goof trying to keep her sister's pace.
Her arms wrapped themselves around her middle, trying to keep as much body warmth as possible, but her face remained a stoic mask even when Snow tripped over his feet. A low chuckle and the comforting embrace of strong arms managed to bring a smile to her face, though. At her left, Vanille kept trying and failing to run to catch up with the other two, yelling at them to wait for her and dragging a dazed Hope along with her in the same fashion Serah was dragging her husband. Dajh was having a better time, the once small chocobo seeming to have no complications jumping around with long legs to support them both, and getting ahead in no time.
"It's moments like these you wish you would have stayed in bed with a heavy blanket, a mug of hot chocolate and your favorite Pulsian, wouldn't you agree?"
Lightning's head turned ever so slightly, her cold nose nuzzling against a warm cheek. How Fang managed to feel this warm despite the weather was beyond her. A smirk curled her lips, and Lightning took the gloved hands offered to her, pulling Fang impossibly closer.
"Yeah, but I doubt Vanille would have liked to miss that snowmen competition."
A soft humming sound sent vibrations against the skin of her neck, she could feel the smile forming on Fang's lips and her front molding against her back, making her forget about the cold, and the numbness, and the ridiculous winter hat she was donning.
"Winter is good, but we could use a longer summer; have you in one of those bikinis, sunbathing… I wouldn't oppose to more of that."
"You think?" Lightning's fingers intertwined with gloved ones, thumbs stroking in lazy circles over the wooden material. Her lips brushed against a tanned cheek, and for a moment they stayed silent, basking in each other's presence like they weren't standing against the cold wind with snow covering their shoulders as Serah waved at them in a vain attempt to urge them to keep up. "I wouldn't change a thing."