Author's Note: Hi. As I'm sure you can tell this is my first Chicago Fire story. It's actually my first attempt at fanfiction in a while. I've dabbled on and off over the years, but it's probably been about five years since I attempted this so I make no guarantees that I'm any good at this or can accurately nail things like characterization.

I'm actually relatively new to Chicago Fire too having watched the entire series for the first time in December/January. I quickly fell in love with the show and Dawsey though and started lurking on here a few months ago. As I was making my way through the middle of season three, I started getting these threads in my head and eventually managed to craft them together in a way that seemed like a story. I now can't get the idea out of my head so when I found myself with a little more time on my hands a few weeks ago, I started writing it up, figuring I'd ultimately join and post it to see what people thought.

This first chapter is more setting the stage for what I have planned than anything so there's not a lot of plot here. I actually contemplated calling it Prologue instead of Chapter 1 but decided against it. Its probably going to take a few chapters to get a feel for what I have planned for at least the first part of this story so I'll probably ask around chapter 3 or 4 if its worth continuing. In the meanwhile, please let me know what you think and give me any advice you have. Constructive criticism is always welcome just please don't be rude with it.

I do want to make clear that this story starts between 3x14 Call It Paradise and 3X15 Headlong Toward Disaster. I'm taking some characters down a different path, but I will try to keep it in the world of the show and reference things that happened in the actual episodes where possible.

Lastly, I promise now that I have an account, I'll start reviewing the stories I've been reading over the past few months the next time they get updated.

Chapter 1

"You ready to leave?" Brett asked. She had returned to Chicago Med about 15 minutes ago. After the baby's parents arrived, Dawson had called her, needing a ride since her car was still at the firehouse. Instead of leaving though, they'd been mostly been sitting in silence in the hospital lobby, watching as hospital staff, patients, and visitors moved in and out.

"Sure," Gabby replied. She called Brett because once the parents arrived, she didn't really want to stay and watch them reunite with their baby, but now that Brett was here, she found that she didn't really want to leave. Still as long she stayed, Brett would too. She wasn't even really sure why she suddenly wanted to stay. Maybe it was because in a way there was something comforting about being in the same building as the baby and her parents, a reminder of the good parts of the day, but she wasn't certain. She did know that she wasn't ready to go back to Brett's. While she enjoyed the woman's company, the idea of crawling into bed in what was supposed to be Brett's spare room wasn't exactly appealing at the moment. Gabby was certain her mind would start wandering to some of the other parts of the day, the parts she would prefer to forget, like having a gun pointed at her. It wasn't like it was the first time that had happened. Plenty of guns had been pulled on her and Shay during their time together on 61. Still, this was the first time someone had pulled a gun on her while she had a baby in her arms, and it had happened in what was supposed to be the safety and security of the firehouse, taking something else from her.

"Joe texted me a few minutes ago," Brett said as the ladies walked towards the parking garage. "Pretty much everyone is still at Molly's for the luau. What do you say we go join them?"

"I'm beat. I think I'm just going to go back to the apartment and go to bed. You should go though. I wasn't looking to take you away from Cruz for the entire night. Just drop me off at 51 so I can get my car," Gabby replied. She didn't like lying to Brett, but she wasn't up for hanging out with everyone right now, and she certainly didn't want to worry her friend.

Fifteen minutes later they were pulling up next to 51.

"You sure I can't talk you into coming out tonight?" Brett asked as Gabby gathered her things.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for picking me up though," Gabby replied.

"What are friends for?" Brett called after her as Gabby got out of the car.

Gabby had been driving around aimlessly for about an hour and half when she found herself outside the cemetery's main entrance. Taking in a deep breathe, she pulled over, stopped the car, and stared at the gate for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do. Truth was she'd been avoiding this place for weeks, managing to convince herself that there was something important that she needed to do every time she would think about coming for a visit. As she sat there, Gabby realized that maybe she wasn't there simply by chance, maybe her subconscious had guided her here, each seemingly random turn bringing her one step closer to where she really wanted to be. In that moment, Gabby knew what she needed most was her best friend.

Realizing that even at this late hour the main gate was open, Gabby put the car back in drive and headed into the cemetery. Following the road that she had learned so well since that awful day in May, Gabby headed directly for the section where her best friend was buried. Once there she got out of the car. Even in the dark with the cemetery barely lit, she managed to make her way to the grave without tripping over a headstone or anything else. Sitting down in the snow, she reached for the headstone, letting her fingers trace every letter in her friend's name.

Leslie Elizabeth Shay

She sat there in silence for a few minutes trying to figure out what exactly to say.

"Hey girl," she finally got out. "I know it's been a while. You've probably been wondering where I've been. Why I haven't come by since before Christmas. Truth is I've been avoiding you. Before you get mad or offended, know that it's not because I didn't want to see you. I'll always want to hang with you Shay. I just didn't want to disappoint you, and I knew once I came to visit, I'd have to tell you what happened, and you'd be disappointed in me. Maybe Severide's already told you. I don't know.

"You've always been such a big believer in Casey and me. Even when I had convinced myself that it was just some foolish crush because he was with Hallie and there was no way he would ever feel the same way about me. Remember how the first time you saw us together you just assumed we were a couple? You saw what was really between us before we ever could. I'll always be grateful for that.

"Anyways I managed to screw that up. Looking back, I never should have accepted Boden's offer to look the other way and let me be the candidate on Truck 81, but I think I needed to stay at 51, and I really wanted to be a firefighter. Even though everyone told me it might put a strain on Matt and me, I'm pretty sure I never really took their warnings seriously. I don't know if you remember; last time I was here I told you about how Matt was mad at me because I disobeyed orders on a call in front of another Chief. I remember telling you it was just a little fight and we'd be okay. Turns out I was wrong. Things just spiraled further from there. At home we were always either fighting about work or barely talking, and then eventually we started fighting about home at work. We did things a normal lieutenant and candidate wouldn't do, and I don't mean where your dirty mind is probably going right now," Gabby let out a soft chuckle as she pictured what Shay would be doing and saying if it was really the two of them having this conversation.

"In the end, I left, gave him back the ring, and moved in with Brett," she paused, taking a deep breathe. "This is probably going to sound strange, but I broke up with Matt because of how much I love him. I didn't know how to fix us, but I did know that things couldn't stay the way they were. What happened when everything eventually boiled over on a call? Someone was bound to get hurt or worse. I can't be responsible for that again." She tried and failed to hold back a sob.

"I know that if you could, you'd tell me the same thing the Chaplain did. That what happened to you wasn't my fault and that I need to stop blaming myself. In my head I know that, but my heart doesn't seem to be able to get the message. And yes this wouldn't be the same thing. It wouldn't be my best friend dying. It would be something happening to the love of my life or a stranger or one of the many people in between, and it would definitely be on me because I'm the one who created this mess in the first place.

"I hate it but leaving was the right thing to do. It was the only thing I could do. Doesn't make it any easier though, going to work and seeing Matt, spending 24 hours with him in close quarters, having to constantly remind myself that he's just my boss now. I can't even try to just be good friends with him again because he was never just one of my closest friends. My feelings for him were always there, simmering under the surface, disguised as friendship, and if I try to go back to that friendship, all the feelings I need to bury are just going to come rushing back up.

"There are days and moments though, like last shift, where I just have to stop and remind myself that we're not together anymore, we can't be. When its hard to remember that I did the right thing," realizing that despite the freezing temperature, her eyes had started to water, Gabby paused for a moment to wipe away the tears before they started falling. "You should have seen it Shay. It was below zero out and I found a baby girl just abandoned in the firehouse driveway. It was so awful seeing this cute little girl just laying there, freezing to death. How could someone do something like that? Turns out she was kidnapped, and the kidnapper just left here there. I don't understand why someone would go through the trouble of stealing someone else's child only to leave the child to die. It just makes me so mad. She's with her parents now at Chicago Med though so at least the story has a happy ending.

"That's not really the point though. It was so cold out the ambo wouldn't start so we took care of her at the firehouse while waiting for family services or another ambo to come. There was this moment where Matt and I were together with the baby in the bunkroom. I was by myself holding her and Matt came up to me. I gave him the baby and then it was just Matt with a baby in his arms, me sitting next to him, reaching out to touch this little girl who just cooed at us. It was like we were a family, and all I could think was 'God I love him. He's going to be a great father to our kids.' Then the moment was over and I realized that I had gotten a glimpse of the future I was supposed to have but may not get to, the one I chose to walk away from. I spent I don't even know how long reminding myself of all the reasons I left. When an ambo showed up to take the baby to the hospital, I went with her, but not before all but telling Matt that it didn't mean anything even though it meant everything to me. He told me I was going to make a great mom, but the truth is, I can't imagine ever wanting to have someone else's children. I wish you had been there even if you would have spent the whole shift teasing me mercilessly about how Matt, the baby, and I made the perfect little family," she let out another chuckle and reached up to wipe away the tears that had started to fall.

"I wish you were still here Shay. I feel like I've lost so much since deciding to become a firefighter. Don't get me wrong the job's great. I love it. I'm sure wherever you are, you're proud of me, and I hope I've honored Jones. You remember the note she left for me? How I refused to tell anyone what it said? She told me not to let anything stand in my way, and from the moment I put that candidate's uniform on, that's what I've been trying to do. I know I didn't always have the best relationship with her, but I owe her at least that much. If I hadn't told her about her father's plans to dock her, maybe she wouldn't have…," Gabby trailed off.

"If I could go back and relive the past year, there are so many things I would differently. So many different choices I would make. I can't though so I'm just trying to do the best with where I wound up, where we all wound up," Gabby said before letting out a yawn. Checking her phone she saw that it was nearly 2 AM.

"Its getting late, and I'm tired. There's so much else I want to talk to you about, happier things, but I think I need to go to bed. I promise I'll be back soon. I won't make you wait two months again," she touched the headstone one last time. Getting up, she wiped the snow off of her and headed back towards her car.

Gabby hit the gas as the light turned green, not even thinking to check the cross street at such a late hour. At the same time a car sped down the other street going well over the 50 mile per hour speed limit; the driver not even looking at the light as he approached the intersection. Racing down the street, the car reached the intersection just as Gabby's car was making its way through. The impact was made when the front of the other car hit Gabby's driver side door, pushing the door into her body, breaking the window, the glass shooting into her face, and sending the car spinning through the intersection until it hit a telephone poll with such a force it broke some wires loose, one of them falling on top of the car and another breaking the front windshield. Fortunately, Gabby had lost consciousness long before the electricity hit her body.