A/N: This is my first ever fanfic. Comments and reviews would be nice. I own nothing, sadly.

Picks up from New Moon, Chapter 15 – Pressure, page 352. This is when Bella goes to La Push to go cliff diving with Jacob.

Chapter Song – Older I Get by Skillet.

I'm just getting older,

I'm not getting over you.

I'm trying to wish

It didn't hurt like this…

I woke up relatively early, anticipation lingering in my stomach. Today I would get one of my own delusional fixes. I think I finally understood Edward when he called me his 'own personal brand of heroin'. Hearing his voice inside my head just made everything else bearable, even the pain I knew that would follow later. It made no sense to pursue these delusions; no mentally sound sense anyway. However, knowing that Edward was real, that my subconscious remembered him in such clarity that it was able to produce the idea that he cared, it was putting a plaster on the gaping hole in my chest. A very flimsy plaster, but it kept me together long enough to know that he existed.

With excitement flooding my movements, I quickly got out of bed and looked out of the window. Charlie had already gone to work, so I didn't have to worry about being sneaky with extra clothing. I jumped in the shower, and thought about what today would hold. I knew I would be safe jumping off cliffs with Jake, he wouldn't let any harm get to me. It was also clear that I needed to decide whether I wanted just a friendship with Jacob, or more. I may be mentally unstable, but no matter what I wanted, Edward was never coming back. Busy with his distractions, it was highly doubtful he ever even thought of me, especially not as much as I thought of him. Retrospective thinking showed how obvious it was that I was much more obsessed with him than he was with me. If he ever even was, and I didn't believe anything he had ever said anymore, so I doubted that also. So, it left me thinking; I loved Jacob, not in the same way as Edward, but he held me together. Without him, I wouldn't know what to do. Surely it would be okay to be with Jake? I'd have to tell him how completely and utterly broken I was and admit to the delusions, but I think he'd still take me.

I finished off showering, and started to get myself ready for the day still thinking about my situation with Jacob. I was going to tell Jacob everything today, and just pray it would work out. Today was also going to be my last 'date' with Edward. I wouldn't keep risking my life for a voice that never loved me. I threw on some clothes, and put my hair up in a pony tail. Grabbing my backpack for school, I took out all my school books and put in a change of clothing and a towel. I then went downstairs and got myself some breakfast. I sat staring out the window while eating, and noted that although it was typically overcast, there was not much wind and it seemed to be a nice day for Forks. I glanced at the clock, and decided it was time to make my way to La Push. I wanted to talk to Jake before I had my last delusion.

I expected to see Jacob waiting outside his house like he normally does when he hears my truck rumble closer. He wasn't there however, which sent a shock throughout my whole body. I went to knock on the door, and heard Billy call gently to come in. I took one look at Billy's face, and I knew something was wrong.

"Where's Jacob? Is he sleeping?" I asked, trying not to sound too worried. Billy looked at me while he decided how to explain something which I automatically believed would be bad news. He sighed wearily, and told me to take a seat. I complied.

"No, Jake's not asleep, Bella. Embry, Paul and Jared came across a fresh trail earlier this morning." I felt the colour drain from my face. "Listen, Bella, don't worry. They know what they're doing. Jacob's out with the pack, they think they have a good chance of getting her this time. It'll all be over soon." I was glad Billy told me to sit down. The thought of Jacob, my Jacob, out there, against her, against…Victoria… It was heartbreaking, too much so. I sat stunned in silence, and Billy came to me to try and comfort me. "Do you really like La Push that much that you want to stay here?" he asked, jokingly. I just continued to stare horrorstruck. He sighed, clearly giving up with comforting me. When he had turned his back, I stood up. "Bella?"

"I'll be down on the beach, can you tell Jacob that? Please? I need to get some fresh air, help clear my head."

"Sure, sure. But don't worry about them, they'll come home fine. Jake will come back fine, believe me." He sounded so sure that I did manage to breathe a little easier. I went outside and welcomed the sea air, and slowly walked down onto the beach. I was worried about Jacob, but it wasn't just that. I was disappointed because I was sure that when he got back from hunting Victoria, he wouldn't want to talk. What if someone got hurt? He'd blame me, because it was my fault Victoria was here in the first place. He'd end up hating me, and how could I talk about how I love him, when I know that he hates me? I went to sit on the sand, and curled up tightly, with my head on my knees. Vampires, I thought bitterly, they ruin everything. If it wasn't for Victoria, I would be with Jacob right now, and this ache in my chest wouldn't be so bad. If it wasn't for Victoria, I would be at liberty to go whether I want without fear of someone I love getting hurt. If it wasn't for her, my Jacob wouldn't be a werewolf. If it wasn't for the bloodlust vampires feel, my 18th birthday would not have been so disastrous and he would not have seen me for the lowly human I was. Actually, if it wasn't for vampires, I wouldn't be broken. If it wasn't for vampires, Edward Cullen would never have complicated my life and stolen my heart.

No, I didn't wish that. I couldn't. I couldn't curse all vampires, because for Edward not to exist was an unbearable thought. He was too kind, too pure, and too selfless to not be real. Or at least, that was the romanticised image I had of him. He left me wandering in the forest; he lied for months about how much he loved me… Yes, I still loved Edward Cullen with every piece of my broken heart, but my opinion of him is forever changed. Jacob had shown me decency, and he had shown me that I could do better than Edward. And this is why I loved Jacob, not with the same intensity, and not with the same passion that I love Edward with, but I love Jacob enough. Enough for me to be happy to be held by him, to be with him. But would it be enough for Jacob? I didn't know.

While I sat on the beach pondering, it started to rain. The rain was soothing, hitting my face so that if anyone took just a quick glance, it wouldn't look like I was crying. I was crying though, and it was because I was finally ready for say goodbye and move on. There was fear in my tears as well, because I knew this resolve may not last long, and I needed to say goodbye today, or I never would. But to do that, I needed a delusion, I needed to talk to Jacob and I needed my one last reckless act. I looked up at the cliff, and decided to do it anyway. Jacob would understand, I hope. Or maybe he need never know. I quickly got up and headed back to my truck.

I remembered the way quite clearly, because it was where me and Jacob use to ride our bikes back when the delusions first came. I smiled while remembering the feeling of the wind against my face, while Edward was screaming in my head. I knew that I shouldn't think about Edward so much, especially not today when I was saying goodbye, but I didn't feel like it mattered. I honestly believed that Jacob would accept me willingly, regardless of how mentally unstable I was. And as such, I knew I wouldn't have to face the backlash of thinking about Edward so much alone. I smiled with the knowledge I need never be alone again. Jacob was so good to me, and I didn't deserve him. That wasn't going to make me turn him away though, I couldn't even think about doing that.

While driving, I debated whether or not I wanted to jump from the top of the cliff, or the middle. I knew Jake wanted me to go from the middle, but I yearned for the free fall right from the top. My last delusion would be the best; I wanted to make sure I heard him with the perfect clarity only my subconscious could muster. I couldn't find the way to the middle jump, so it wasn't hard to convince myself that the jump from the top would be best. To be honest, I'm not sure I even tried to convince myself to do the slightly more safe option. Cliff jumping was always going to be dangerous, that's what made it so appealing. If I was going to get hurt from it, then I may as well do it the best way possible.

I got out the truck and slowly walked to the edge. It was raining slightly heavier now, and looking down at the water, I was having second thoughts. The water seemed a lot further down than I thought, and there was a storm brewing which was creating a strong current, which I didn't know if I could fight again. I felt a pang of panic because I was right at the edge now, and my subconscious Edward had stayed silent. Had the fact I'd made my decision about Jacob caused the delusions to stop? This wasn't what I wanted; I needed to hear his voice. I walked closer to the edge, feet half way off, and prepared myself.

I let the wind swirl around me, while the rain gently landed on my face. The rain was still mixing with the relentless stream of tears that were pouring from my eyes. I rocked back and forth on my feet, getting a feel for the contours of the ground. I took in a deep breath, and waited. But there was still nothing. Edward's voice didn't reprimand me; he didn't come to my rescue and he didn't tell me not to jump. It was all the evidence I needed because my subconscious now understood, and so did I. The hole in my chest ripped wide open, and I was gasping for air. I fell backwards, and landed on the cliff top, where I curled up into a fetal position, sobbing.

I never meant anything to Edward Cullen. And I never will.