Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story besides Patty Bates.
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Chapter 1: Harry's Session
"Honestly, we don't need a stupid shrink!" Ron yelled one afternoon in the common room.
"Ron, will you keep your voice down!" Hermione whispered harshly. "I don't want people thinking that we're insane."
"Too late." Ginny said casually as she walked by.
"Shut the hell up Gin!" Ron yelled at his sister's back as she walked through the portrait hole.
"Don't swear." Hermione said as she packed up her backpack.
"You're not my mum." Ron said, crossing his arms.
"But you're being a baby." Hermione said.
"Would you two just shut up." Harry said. They fought at least twice a day, and he was getting tired of it. "Come on, we're going to be late."
As the three of them walked out of the common room, and headed toward Dumbledore's office for their first session, Ron asked, "What's this quacks name again?"
"Patty Bates." Hermione said. "And don't call her a quack." Ron glared at her. "She's a professional psychiatrist."
"It isn't that hard to tell people that they're loony and need to be locked up." Ron mumbled coldly as they reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office and said the pass word.
"Who's going first?" Hermione whispered as they sat quietly and waited for Mrs. Bates.
"Not me." Ron said quickly.
"You can go Harry." Hermione said, not wanting to go first either. Harry sighed and nodded.
Just then, Dumbledore's office door opened and a skinny but tall lady came out. She had short brown hair that was curly and wore half moon glasses that were outlined in black plastic. She had an oddly long neck and reminded Harry of his Aunt Petunia.
"Who's first?" She asked in a gentle voice. Harry got up reluctantly and entered the office.
"So, Harry, how have you been?" Mrs. Bates asked as she sat down in a chair and motioned for Harry to do the same in a chair across from her.
"I'm fine, I guess." Harry said. Mrs. Bates nodded and started writing something on a piece of parchment that was on her lap. "Ummm, why am I here?" Mrs. Bates looked up from her parchment and smiled warmly.
"You and your friends have been through a lot in the past few years" She said, shaking her head. "Now, Why don't you tell me about your friends." She said, suddenly perky again.
"Well, Ron and Hermione are my best friends." Harry said, not knowing what else to say.
"And are they good friends?" Mrs. Bates asked, eyeing Harry. "Do they pressure you to do things? Are they drug users?"
"No." Harry laughed, trying to imagine Hermione being a druggie.
"Come on Harry." Mrs. Bates said encouragingly. "I'm hip, I won't tell the cops."
"Really, we don't do drugs." Harry said, trying not to laugh.
"Do you have sexual intercourse?" Mrs. Bates asked. When Harry didn't answer she said, "Ever bang a couple of chicks? A little romp in the sack?"
Harry shook his head, coughing to hold back his laughter.
"No?" She asked. "Okay." She wrote something down, then looked intently at Harry. "So, Harry," she said casually. "Are you gay? Bisexual? A transvestite?" Harry shook his head and coughed a few more times. "Every dressed in drag?"
"No." Harry said, trying to hide his smile.
"So you're saying that you are attracted to woman?" She asked. Harry nodded. "Oh, I see." She put her pen down and straightened up a little. "Do I turn you on, Harry?"
Harry didn't know what to say to this. He thought about screaming "hell no!" and running out of the room, but that seemed a bit harsh. So he just broke down in laughter.
"Harry, I would appreciate it if you stayed professional." Mrs. Bates said in a strict voice.
"Sorry." Harry said, whipping the tears from his eyes.
"Now," Mrs. Bates said, looking completely professional. "Do you and your hommies ever go out and get high?"
"My. hommies?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You know, your dogs, your posse, your crew, your home chizzles." She said, making a gang sign with her hands.
"Ummm, no." Harry said.
"Ah, right." She said, putting her hands down and writing something else on the parchment. "One last question Harry." She said, completely casually. "Are you and your friends in a gang?"
"No."
"How about a cult?"
"No."
"Do you worship Satan in any way?" she asked, eyeing him closely.
"No."
"Do you sell crack, Harry?" She asked. "You know, dope maybe a little cocaine here and there?"
Harry was fed up with being asked these outrageous questions, so he said, "As a matter of fact, I do sell drugs."
"Really?" She said, putting down her pen and looking at him.
"Oh, yeah, all the time." Harry said dismissively. "Me and Ron grow the weed ourselves. Then we sell it to the first years." He said, leaning back in his chair.
"Uh huh." She said, looking interested.
"Then we use the extra cash to pay for the hookers that come to our common room every night." Harry said coolly.
"Very interesting." Mrs. Bates said, shifting in her seat. "Now, Harry, do you know where I could buy some of this weed? You know, hypothetically?" She asked, winking at Harry.
"Oh, look at the time." Harry said, glancing at his watch. "Times up, all well." Mrs. Bates looked a little disappointed. "I'll tell Hermione to come in." Harry said, and quickly bolted for the door.
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A/N: Do you like it? I always knew that those shrinks were insane! REVIEW!
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Chapter 1: Harry's Session
"Honestly, we don't need a stupid shrink!" Ron yelled one afternoon in the common room.
"Ron, will you keep your voice down!" Hermione whispered harshly. "I don't want people thinking that we're insane."
"Too late." Ginny said casually as she walked by.
"Shut the hell up Gin!" Ron yelled at his sister's back as she walked through the portrait hole.
"Don't swear." Hermione said as she packed up her backpack.
"You're not my mum." Ron said, crossing his arms.
"But you're being a baby." Hermione said.
"Would you two just shut up." Harry said. They fought at least twice a day, and he was getting tired of it. "Come on, we're going to be late."
As the three of them walked out of the common room, and headed toward Dumbledore's office for their first session, Ron asked, "What's this quacks name again?"
"Patty Bates." Hermione said. "And don't call her a quack." Ron glared at her. "She's a professional psychiatrist."
"It isn't that hard to tell people that they're loony and need to be locked up." Ron mumbled coldly as they reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office and said the pass word.
"Who's going first?" Hermione whispered as they sat quietly and waited for Mrs. Bates.
"Not me." Ron said quickly.
"You can go Harry." Hermione said, not wanting to go first either. Harry sighed and nodded.
Just then, Dumbledore's office door opened and a skinny but tall lady came out. She had short brown hair that was curly and wore half moon glasses that were outlined in black plastic. She had an oddly long neck and reminded Harry of his Aunt Petunia.
"Who's first?" She asked in a gentle voice. Harry got up reluctantly and entered the office.
"So, Harry, how have you been?" Mrs. Bates asked as she sat down in a chair and motioned for Harry to do the same in a chair across from her.
"I'm fine, I guess." Harry said. Mrs. Bates nodded and started writing something on a piece of parchment that was on her lap. "Ummm, why am I here?" Mrs. Bates looked up from her parchment and smiled warmly.
"You and your friends have been through a lot in the past few years" She said, shaking her head. "Now, Why don't you tell me about your friends." She said, suddenly perky again.
"Well, Ron and Hermione are my best friends." Harry said, not knowing what else to say.
"And are they good friends?" Mrs. Bates asked, eyeing Harry. "Do they pressure you to do things? Are they drug users?"
"No." Harry laughed, trying to imagine Hermione being a druggie.
"Come on Harry." Mrs. Bates said encouragingly. "I'm hip, I won't tell the cops."
"Really, we don't do drugs." Harry said, trying not to laugh.
"Do you have sexual intercourse?" Mrs. Bates asked. When Harry didn't answer she said, "Ever bang a couple of chicks? A little romp in the sack?"
Harry shook his head, coughing to hold back his laughter.
"No?" She asked. "Okay." She wrote something down, then looked intently at Harry. "So, Harry," she said casually. "Are you gay? Bisexual? A transvestite?" Harry shook his head and coughed a few more times. "Every dressed in drag?"
"No." Harry said, trying to hide his smile.
"So you're saying that you are attracted to woman?" She asked. Harry nodded. "Oh, I see." She put her pen down and straightened up a little. "Do I turn you on, Harry?"
Harry didn't know what to say to this. He thought about screaming "hell no!" and running out of the room, but that seemed a bit harsh. So he just broke down in laughter.
"Harry, I would appreciate it if you stayed professional." Mrs. Bates said in a strict voice.
"Sorry." Harry said, whipping the tears from his eyes.
"Now," Mrs. Bates said, looking completely professional. "Do you and your hommies ever go out and get high?"
"My. hommies?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You know, your dogs, your posse, your crew, your home chizzles." She said, making a gang sign with her hands.
"Ummm, no." Harry said.
"Ah, right." She said, putting her hands down and writing something else on the parchment. "One last question Harry." She said, completely casually. "Are you and your friends in a gang?"
"No."
"How about a cult?"
"No."
"Do you worship Satan in any way?" she asked, eyeing him closely.
"No."
"Do you sell crack, Harry?" She asked. "You know, dope maybe a little cocaine here and there?"
Harry was fed up with being asked these outrageous questions, so he said, "As a matter of fact, I do sell drugs."
"Really?" She said, putting down her pen and looking at him.
"Oh, yeah, all the time." Harry said dismissively. "Me and Ron grow the weed ourselves. Then we sell it to the first years." He said, leaning back in his chair.
"Uh huh." She said, looking interested.
"Then we use the extra cash to pay for the hookers that come to our common room every night." Harry said coolly.
"Very interesting." Mrs. Bates said, shifting in her seat. "Now, Harry, do you know where I could buy some of this weed? You know, hypothetically?" She asked, winking at Harry.
"Oh, look at the time." Harry said, glancing at his watch. "Times up, all well." Mrs. Bates looked a little disappointed. "I'll tell Hermione to come in." Harry said, and quickly bolted for the door.
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A/N: Do you like it? I always knew that those shrinks were insane! REVIEW!