Demon Detox
Dean sat with a beer in hand slumped down at Bobby's kitchen table but the beer was forgotten and for the first time in his life he had no desire to drink it. It felt wrong to be holding that beer at all, almost like drinking to his brother's confinement. His eyes fastened on the label..it was his favorite kind and all he wanted to do was get up and poor it down the sink-Dean felt sick.
In all of his life he had never dreamed it would come to this, Sam the gentle one…the logical one….the one who wasn't even supposed to lead this life. Where had Dean gone wrong..perhaps he should never have gone to Stanford, to pick up Sam in the first place.
'' What have I done Bobby, when did I go wrong with Sammy..'' he felt the slap in the back of his head from Bobby's hand, not as hard as usual but forceful enough to let Dean know his opinion.
'' Son…none of this is your fault….Sam should've known better in the first place..but that boy is as stubborn as his father and always has been, he must of felt like the only one…the only one capable of finishing things in this war-but he was wrong boy..'' Bobby drank down his beer in one gulp with a grimace, he to had lost someone and had probably been in the same place Dean was many times before.
'' But I knew Bobby…I knew Sammy was keeping secretes…I should have made him talk…I should have killed that Ruby bitch the first time I laid eyes on her…''
'' And what in the hell do you think you could have done to make Sam listen….I think the donkey headed stubbornness is inbred into you Winchesters…..save this person, save that person-then give over sacrifices to whatever you can to save each other also…''
'' What would dad have said,'' Dean mused out loud the turmoil inside of him rolling like a smoldering pit…his father….. he hadn't even thought about him in so long….not in a loving way….especially after finding the brother Adam who had had the father Dean had never known.
'' Your dad was a bastard son….why do you think I chased him out of here with a shot gun all those years ago….he didn't do right by you boys….he did love you-but not enough to save you from this life…hell maybe he couldn't have…even his other family got it in the end.'' After Bobby said this there was a deep silence.
This was something he'd never discussed with Bobby and Dean didn't feel a connection to the other boy. Dean hadn't raised and protected him since childhood, No-Sammy was all he had left..and he was in demon blood rehab even as they spoke. Sam was enclosed in tons of iron and if Dean wanted to he swore he could almost hear the pounding of his brothers fists…the roughness of Sam's normally soft voice…saying things Dean didn't want to hear.
Dean thought about Sam's eyes the betrayal and disbelief of those dark puppy eyes, shinning from behind the slat…the only thing left of Sam before Dean had done the hardest thing of his life….he'd slid it closed. Dean was scared and he felt useless…was this how it would end for him and his brother, after all these years he wouldn't be able to save Sam after all.
Dean could feel the tears gathering, threatening-as the single one slid down where he could taste it. He hadn't cried in so long that at first it surprised him, sometimes it seemed the emotions had been stripped away from him in hell….and then for a while that's all there was, a hurt too deep to heal.
Even now he couldn't fully let go….he wasn't sure he ever would come back from it if he did. And he could feel Bobby's eyes on him like Bobby was afraid he might just lose control.
'' Don't worry Bobby…no cuckoos nest here….can you believe I actually forgot I could do this, '' and Dean whipped at his tears a watery smile that didn't reach his eyes…it wasn't even a good imitation of the old Dean's smile, it was like cardboard easy to tear and falls apart in the rain-which it was doing right now.
But Dean reined it back in..just as he felt his chin and mouth start to sink and tremble…..he rose and poured the beer down the drain, leaning to look out over the junkyard through the window, his back towards Bobby. And just in that motion…the pouring of the beer-like he was pouring Sam's addiction down the drain, he felt the sadness ease a little.
Dean had never felt more alone…even if you counted his time in hell-there at least he had thoughts of his brother leading a normal life of comfort……if he was the only one left-the last surviving Winchester-could Dean live like that-he wasn't sure that he could.
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Sam lay in the dark the burning in his veins worse than any pain he had ever felt…it was like the burning of his mother the burning of Jessica…a fire so deep and consuming it made him want to die. He was in and out of conscientious not sure what his thought was or what was real. There was also a sadness so deep, the lack of Dean's reaction as if he had lost his brother forever but even that was in and out so quick-as thoughts of Dean's betrayal…how could Dean do this to him?
The burning started again slowly a light tingling then like a match from the tips of his toes, the length of his fingertips….into the very core of him. Was that his voice screaming, was he burning in hell now like the monster he was born to be?
'' I'm not a monster..'' he heard his voice clearly.
Sam remembered their conversation, his promise to stop doing what he was doing; it was before the transfusions….when he was still in control. But the control was just an illusion and now he was burning like he had always meant to burn.
'' No-I am not a monster….I am the only one, the only one…..''
Then he was thinking of her…of Lilith his hatred of her stronger now than ever…he had to get out of here, he had to get stronger again-at least if he killed Lillith than his life would mean something…..he would walk into the fires of hell willingly.
'' I am a monster……I need to get more…..I need more.''
Dean's eyes as he watched Sam become what he really was….it had felt so good to suck from that demon….to do what needed to be done. Something that feels that good can't wrong. Then he was burning again the fire wracking his body and sending him into convulsions.
'' Help me….God…Dean….help me!''
'' You silly boy……God will never save you…you are one of us-too weak to even fight me..'' a giggle, a little girl Lilith and she was sitting on the end of his bed.
He had to get up….he had to destroy her….he had to…..had to-his body jolted near the center raising up tight and ridged…burning like blue white flame, his eyes rolled up into his head…and then he heard her laugh again. Only now it was the sultry tones of a woman and she was stroking his forehead. Sam could smell her blood.
'' I will suck you dry and then destroy you….you bitch,'' Sam snarled towards her wanting to ripe into her with his teeth if he had to.
Lifting his head like it was a bag full of sand…he strained towards that sweet smell of her blood, could almost feel it on his tongue like the thickest honey. Just like that…just as his lips latched her smooth wrist-Sam opened his eyes-to the worst fire of them yet…working and twining through the network of every vein. And he knew then Lilith had never been there at all.
'' Dean help me''….he whispered hissing through jaw clenched pain and as the pain subsided, pulling back into that never ending ocean of fire-like waves it would come again…he knew this. But in this precious moment of clarity he saw Dean, turning his back and walking away.
Sam felt lost and empty, shameless and guilty-Sam felt he would never be redeemed….not this time. Broken and accepting of his fate he barely moved his lips at all..to Dean's retreating form in his mind's eye.
'' Dean……..I am a monster…you were stronger than me after all..If only I could tell you.''
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Dean looked out over the piled junk of accumulated cars the years had built up…like a fortress surrounding Bobby's house, they leaned, piled high jagged and broken yet still supporting each other.
Sam had told him that he was broken; that he wasn't strong enough to fight-he'd disagreed out loud. But in the darkest parts of the night when Dean lay tossing with nightmares, thoughts of how good it had felt to rip other souls to shreds….guilt that his dad had lasted and that he had been the last piece to starting the coming apocalypse. He thought Sam might have been right.
Hell, even Cass had turned on him in the end….what kind of a brother was he….what kind of a man. He was tired just like he'd told Sam….a tired so complete his bones ached with it..as if he was a fifty year old man in a twenty-nine year olds body. Hell he was closing in on thirty and this life meant so little to him.
But he would finish it out….he would go out with a bang…Dean style-no matter what it took the human race would survive even if he did not. He hoped his brother would as well but if this demon detox didn't work, he would be the one to end Sammy….nobody else.
Dean Winchester full time hunter and older brother would be the only one to take care of his brother….just as he always had.