All I wanted was to run into his arms, just like that night. Even without turning around, I knew he was behind me. I could sense him even before I could see. The smell of his lotion was just like I remembered. Soft, fresh and full of memories. It still made me have butterflies in my stomach. But this time, it came with another well-known feeling. Suddenly, the nausea hit me and I felt sick. And just like that, as if all the happiness had vanished form the world, I remembered. The person that stood in that cabin with me was Dimitri. But not my Dimitri.

" Hello, Roza" – his voice made me feel cold.

I felt his cold hand touch my shoulder. My knees got weak. Breathing became a difficult task. At that point, I already knew I wouldn't have the courage to do what I came to do. I wouldn't respect Dimitri's wish. I didn't have it in me to kill him.

I turned around. He still looked the same. Tall, long hair, excruciatingly gorgeous. But his skin was whiter. And his eyes were now as red as blood.

" Don't try to fight it Rose. You know it's the only way we can be together. Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life putting a Moroi's needs before your own? Let it go. We still have a chance. I love you Roza. Please, please, stay with me. "

And just like that, I stood still. And he kissed me. In a calm, not – Strigoi way. It felt so good. Everything was going to be okay. I thought about Lissa, Mom, Adrian, Christian, Eddie, Mason… I wouldn't see any of them ever again. But they would have to understand. I was doing it for love.

Suddenly, I felt Dimitri's lips moving from my mouth to my neck. And than his teeth. A mix of pain, guilt, happiness and relieve consumed me. I kept repeating: " It's the only way, it's the only way, it's the only way…"

And than I would wake up screaming. It took me a few moments to realize I wasn't in the cabin anymore, but in a cheap hotel room in Montana. In the small table next to me, a clock indicated that I still had a couple of hours of daylight. And the silver stake next to it remembered me of my mission. Despite of all my fears and weaknesses, I had to keep my word. I was going to kill the man I loved.

But before that, I had to talk to someone and seek my only flash of hope. The only person that could give me the answers I needed. The one who knew almost anything about shadow kissed.

I had to go see Victor Dashkov.

I knew, it wouldn't be easy. But maybe, if I called up some favors… Yeah, right, as if me, the eighteen year old who hadn't even finished high school yet ( and probably never would) , had any friends in the maximum security prison of the freaking court! But maybe, if I used Dimitri's name… He himself said once that he had a lot of important damphir friends. But would they believe me? Or would they think I was just a traumatized teenage apprentice?

Plus, beyond the hole there's no way I'll ever get a private visit with the royal psycho thing, even if I manage to see Victor, the idea of standing in front of him in such a fragile position didn't please me at all. The sick, crazy old man would laugh at me and I would have to use all my self-control so I don't hit him right in the face. And, even if everything turns out as I had planned and I don't punch anyone, would he tell me what I need to know? Had anything like what I had planned out ever happened before?

And, of course, the fact that I had to put the life of the person I love with all my heart and soul in the hands of the one I truly hate isn't so helpful either. Argh, there were just so many questions bugging me that I was starting to get a headache.

I was trying very hard to focus, to find a rational solution. But what if, even if Victor sucked up his arrogance, he still didn't know the answer to my problem? The thought of it made me feel cold. Because that would mean that I had no hope. That, as a guardian and as Dimitri's (ew, I hated the word, but it's seems like the perfect one) soul mate, I have no other choice rather than sticking that silver stack I carried with me into his heart.

And my dreams? Only dreams, no matter how real they seemed. I would die before turning into a Strigoi, even if it meant taking Dimitri with me.

Near that option, which I could not bear to considerate, convincing a bunch of guardians and talking to Victor Dashkov wasn't scary. Wasn't scary at all.