You Are Still My Love and My Life
Will sat with his head in his hands, elbows on the knees of his tuxedo. He ran from Marlena and John's wedding when a horrible throbbing hit behind his right eye. An unbearable ache that came on so suddenly and wouldn't abate.
Doubled over in agonizing pain, everything hit Will at once. Over twenty years of memories slamming into him. Memories and the emotions attached to them attacking him one right after the other.
Burying his face in Sami's chest when he was a toddler, crying and clinging as Lucas attempted to pull him away. Crawling into Lucas' bed as a young child, terrified of the monster hiding in his closet. Piggyback rides throughout the pub to cheer him up when no one would play with him. Food fights at school. Tigers. Funeral after funeral for people that always ended up alive, always. EJ barging into their lives. Switzerland. Johnny and Allie and later Sydney. Meeting Sonny for the first time, accusing him of hitting on Abigail. The first moment he held Ari in his arms. Morphine-influenced or not he'd still never fallen so hard, so fast for anyone in his life. Sonny's smile when Will caught his eye during their wedding ceremony. Paul, shirtless and wet in a hotel room, amused at how young Will was. Paul kissing him, pawing at the other's skin, rolling around his hotel room bed, fighting for control. Seeing Sonny and Paul together everywhere he turned, Sonny's eyes challenging and Paul's face smug. Sonny's expression when he walked away from him and Ari, the last to know he was leaving for Paris. And his last-ditch effort to get Sonny to care again. Taking the blame for everything in one phone call before he didn't have any fight left to give, not for himself, not for his daughter, not for anything.
Everything bombarded Will and he couldn't wade through the memories fast enough. Couldn't differentiate what happened minutes ago or what was a decade. A lifetime of insecurities and fears overwhelmed Will at once. Swallowing up the person he wanted to be, the person he forged all on his own in the past few years.
Everything hurt and nothing made sense and suddenly Sonny was there. He was there and Will didn't know.
"Will?" Sonny asked, wandering all too conveniently close to a wedding he wasn't invited to. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? What did Paul do?"
Sonny fell to his knees in front of Will, hands encircling Will's wrists, forcing Will's head up.
Eyes clouded with tears, Will couldn't see Sonny until the first tear fell, sliding down his cheek and off his chin. His head throbbed and he didn't want to feel like this. He didn't want to remember this.
When Will opened his mouth nothing came out but a strangled sob, shoulders heaving and eyes burning and his head ached. It felt like he was a balloon filled with too much air, stretched too thin, only moments away from bursting into pieces.
Sonny threw his arms around Will, holding tight even when Will made a muffled noise of protest.
"Shh, it's okay, Will. It's okay."
Will shook his head weakly, forehead resting on Sonny's shoulder.
It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay again.
Sonny didn't smell the same. He was wearing cologne Will recognized from the past few months but it wasn't what he wore years before. It wasn't right.
Sonny didn't smell right and this wasn't Will's Sonny and everything was wrong.
"You have to tell me what's going on," Sonny urged, one arm wrapped tight around Will, the other clasping the back of his head. Sonny's eyes closed and he took a deep inhale of Will's shampoo, savoring the moment.
Will let out another short sob, pushing Sonny away from him, and scrambling to stand up.
Will remembered everything, the good and the bad.
Toward the end, it was all bad. It wasn't anything like Sonny described these past months.
"I – I remember," Will choked out, taking a step away from Sonny when he moved closer. "I remember everything."
"Will," Sonny couldn't stop a blinding grin from taking over his face. Disregarding Will's defensive posture and the tears streaming down his face, Sonny stepped closer, arms outstretched. "Oh, Will."
Will held one hand up, attempting to hold Sonny at bay. But his head throbbed so badly, Will grabbed it with both hands.
"Will," Sonny whispered, moving in nice and close, one hand on Will's hip, the other tilting his head up. "You don't know how long I've waited for this moment again."
Sonny pressed his lips against Will's, a soft brush of lips until Will shoved him away with a smack to the face.
Will covered his mouth with his left hand, right hand stinging where it connected with Sonny's face. He didn't mean to do that but he panicked.
When he heard his name softly called, Will turned on his heels, another sob escaping when he saw Paul.
"Will?" Paul questioned, seeing nothing but the tail end of the encounter. Heart clenched in a vice as Sonny kissed Will, only able to breathe once again when Will slapped him away.
It wasn't until Paul stepped closer did he realize Will was crying.
"Will, what happened?" Paul ran the few short steps toward Will, pausing when Will held up his hand and shook his head.
"I," Will shook his head again, wincing as he licked his lips, tasting errant tears that wouldn't stop falling. "I remember."
"What?" Paul whispered, wanting nothing more than to pull Will into his arms but respecting Will's request for distance.
"I remember everything," Will spat out, eyes drifting between Paul and Sonny before covering his face with his hands.
He remembered all of it. Months of Sonny telling him how committed he was to Will only for him to run to Paul the second Will left the room. Paul going from caring about Will to hating him. Will feeling like an outsider in his own marriage, his own life. Never knowing Sonny at all. Agonizing over the possibility he was nothing but a placeholder for Paul—not what Sonny wanted but he'd make due until he had Paul back.
Will remembered Sonny was going to marry Paul. Paul wanted to marry Sonny. Paul hated him. Sonny couldn't leave him fast enough. And Will? All Will wanted was Sonny's love and for Paul Narita to disappear.
But now, Will was so in love with Paul it physically hurt to think how Paul probably sighed in relief when he found out Will was dead. Sonny spent months filling Will's head with lies about their perfect relationship.
The only consistency was Sonny and Paul placing the blame on Will's shoulders. Memories or not, they both blamed Will for everything.
It wasn't all Will's fault. It wasn't.
Will took a step backward, eyes flickering between them, too many emotions overpowering him at once.
Loving Paul and barely tolerating Sonny.
Wanting his relationship with Sonny back more than anything and resenting Paul.
It all hit him at once and Will was drowning and he couldn't get his head above water.
Tears flowing, chest hitching, great big sobs bubbling out of him, Will tripped over his own feet. Sonny and Paul both reached out a hand and grabbed him before he hit the ground.
"Will, please," Sonny said when Will recoiled from them both.
Will shook his head no, eyes slamming shut.
It hurt to even look at them. His memories of them years before superimposing over who they were now, who they were to Will.
"Leave me alone," Will choked out, taking one last look at them. Looking at Paul's panicked, heartbroken expression and Sonny's red-cheeked confusion. "Please, please, leave me alone."
Will turned and ran off, leaving behind the only men he'd ever loved.
Paul watched Will run off, feeling as if his heart ran off with him. That's what Will was now, Paul's heart, his soul, his everything.
While reluctant to get himself involved with Will, Paul had no choice. Will's smile and honesty, his ability to get under Paul's skin, to challenge him. How he touched, connected, and kissed Paul every chance he got. His confidence and single-minded focus on making Paul his. How could Paul resist?
Over the past few months, Paul fell harder and deeper than he ever had before. Opening up to Will more than he ever did with Sonny, spending hours wrapped in each other's arms, talking about anything and everything.
Paul didn't know when he went from aching over the loss of Sonny to planning a life with Will but he had. Now, it seemed almost impossible to imagine his life before. He couldn't picture wanting to marry Sonny at all now. Not when he knows what a life with Will entailed.
But Will, if he remembered everything, he might not realize that. As worried as Paul was about Will remembering his love for Sonny, Paul never gave much thought to Will remembering him.
That almost hurt more than Will remembering Sonny. If Will recalled the resentment he felt for Paul, the antipathy they shared for each other, what would happen to them?
What would Sonny do?
Paul, unable to do anything for Will right now, sure had a hell of a lot he could do to Sonny.
While Sonny stared off into the distance, eyes locked on the spot Will once stood, Paul shoved him, hard.
"What the hell?" Sonny questioned, stumbling and attempting to right himself with some amount of dignity.
"You kissed him," Paul accused, face scrunched up in rage. "How could you do that?"
"He's my husband," Sonny spat, glaring at Paul.
"No, he's not. Will couldn't divorce you fast enough," Paul argued, shaking his head. "He's my boyfriend. He's not your anything anymore."
"Oh, yeah? You sure about that?" Sonny let out a sardonic chuckle, straightening his jacket with a flick of his wrists. "What the hell do you think is going to happen, now? Do you really think he's going to stay with you?"
"Yes," Paul answered, standing up straight. Wondering when Sonny turned into a stranger.
"Will remembers me, now. He's going to remember how much he loved me. How he couldn't wait to marry me, how one of the last things he did before he died was beg me to come back home. What's he going to remember about you, huh?"
"It doesn't matter. Will loves me, now. He's in love with me and his memories of you aren't going to change that."
"No?" Sonny smiled despite the pain in his cheek. "All he's going to remember about you is you chasing after me. Will hated you and you hated him. That's all he's going to focus on, now. Not whatever cheap, pathetic excuse of a relationship you have."
"Considering he just slapped you in the face, I wouldn't sound so cocky right now. In case it escaped your memory, Will flat out told me I was the one and only man he loved."
"That was before he remembered me. Who do you think is more important? His husband, the man who helped raise his daughter? Or his husband's sloppy seconds who did everything he could to tear his relationship and self-esteem apart?"
Paul clenched his fists.
"I imagine the same way he'll feel when I tell him you made me promise to wait for you on his freshly dug grave."
Sonny pinched his lips together.
"Will loves me," Paul insisted. "I know he does."
"He loves having sex with you," Sonny dismissed. "He doesn't love you."
"What do you think will happen when he remembers having sex with you? How's that gonna compare to being with me, hmm?"
Sonny shoved Paul, barely even making him budge.
Paul gave him a sharp grin before taking a swing, Sonny dodging it just in time. The two would have gone after each other the way they'd wanted to since Paul and Will became a thing – maybe even years before that, when Sonny found out Will cheated on him with Paul – except Brady and John interrupted them.
"Woah, woah," John shouted as he grabbed Paul by the arm and yanked him away. Brady doing the same to Sonny. "What the hell is going on, here?"
"What I should have done the first time he made a move on Will," Paul answered, struggling in his father's hold.
"He's never going to love you the way he loved me," Sonny stated. "You can fool yourself all you want. You're gonna be the one alone at the end of this, especially now."
"Sonny, get the hell out of here," Brady demanded when Paul redoubled his efforts.
Sonny stomped off with his nose in the air, giving Paul a condescending smile.
"Son, what the hell?" John demanded, fixing his tuxedo. "Where's Will?"
"He left," Paul answered, pacing back and forth. "He remembers. He remembers everything."
"Oh," Brady said, sharing a look with John. "What happened?"
"I went to check on him and I caught Sonny trying to kiss him."
"What?!"
"Will slapped him across the face and when I got closer I saw he was crying. Like these terrible gut-wrenching sobs and he didn't want me near him. He didn't want Sonny or me to touch him. He told us to leave him alone and he ran off. And Sonny wouldn't shut up and I – all I could think about is how he's done nothing but disrespect my relationship with Will and me."
"And you're terrified Will is going to pick him," John added with a sigh. He moved closer to Paul, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I've known that kid for a long time and I can tell you, I've never seen him happier than when he was with you."
"But he remembers Sonny, now. He remembers me and how we were before."
"You gotta trust that what he feels now is stronger than his memories, son. Now, come back to the wedding, give Will time to breathe. Then after an hour or so, go after him."
"I don't think I can celebrate love and happiness right now."
"This is when you need it most," Brady argued, arm around Paul's other shoulder. "You need to see Dad and Marlena and decide if this is what you want with Will and if you're willing to fight for him or not."
Will was home – the room he started to think of as his and Paul's – long enough to shower, change, and down a handful of aspirin before someone pounded on his door.
Dreading this, knowing who the knock belonged to, Will opened the door with a sigh.
Sonny never had good timing.
"Will," Sonny barged into the room, slamming the door behind him. "You have to talk to me."
Will didn't say anything, only wrapped his arms around his waist.
"Please," Sonny urged, stepping into Will's space, unable to keep his hands to himself. "You remember, now, Will. You remember me, us."
Will nodded, swallowing heavily. Everything was still so foggy, so confusing. His emotions a big jumbled mess.
"That's, god," Sonny's face lit up, cupping Will's face. "This is amazing. We can be together now. The way we've always wanted to be."
Will pulled away and let out a derisive laugh.
He'd swallowed down his sobs by the time he got home. The sight of the home he built with Paul, the smell, comforted him, grounded him. It kept him in the here and now.
Will was confused and a little lost but he wasn't stupid.
"The way we've always wanted?" Will repeated, shaking his head. "What do you mean? The way you wanted when I was young and scared? The way you wanted when you were moving on with Brian? The way you wanted when I was too busy cheating on you? The way you wanted when you were panting after Paul? When are you referring to exactly?"
"Will," Sonny blinked away his surprise. "I've always wanted you, always."
"Except for the part where you wanted Paul the whole time we were together, right?"
"No," Sonny denied, frustrated. "No, I wanted you, Will. Even after you died, or we thought you died, I would have rather had you."
"Only you left me," Will pointed out, everything falling back into its rightful spot in his mind. Memories slotting into place, overriding everything Sonny neglected to mention about their perfect relationship. "You left me and Ari behind like we were nothing."
"That isn't true," Sonny argued. "I needed to get away, to put distance between us so I could think."
"No, you left me, us. You left us and you weren't ever coming back. You didn't come back! You let me almost die thinking I was unlovable and unwanted. And you didn't even stay then, did you? You left Ari when she needed you most."
"Do you think that was easy for me? You were dead, Will! You were dead and I didn't get to fix anything. I couldn't stay in Salem not when everything reminded me of you."
"I didn't get that luxury," Will shot back. Getting fired up the more he thought about it, the more he remembered. "I didn't get to decide I wasn't a father anymore because you were gone. And you sure weren't grieving me when you came back and turned into something you hated. When we were together you would have never worked for your uncle!"
"I am doing important work at Titan."
"No, you got fired for sleeping with a prostitute at work!"
"That wasn't my fault," Sonny insisted, gritting his teeth. "And what about you? Like you haven't been throwing yourself at Paul since the moment you got here."
"That's different."
And it was. The longer Will talked, the more he argued with Sonny, Will realized the truth of it all.
He remembered Sonny and he was still in love with Paul.
"I have watched you chasing after Paul for months," Sonny spat.
"Ha!"
"I had to watch the man I love –,"
"Now, is that man you're referring to me or Paul? I'm a little confused seeing as how you were going to marry him, wanted him throughout our marriage, and yet still treat him like crap now."
"I thought you were dead."
"Was I dead when we were still married? I seem to remember you saying you were committed to me but running to Paul every chance you got."
"I didn't run to Paul. I ran into Paul."
"Convenient, huh?"
"It's not my fault you cheated on me with him," Sonny hissed.
"Yet you still planned to marry him."
"And you're playing pretend with him, now. When are you going to face facts, Will? You and I belong together. Neither of us should have ever wasted our time on Paul."
"I haven't wasted any time with Paul," Will maintained.
"No, not even when you cheated on me? And he couldn't drop you for me fast enough."
Will's face contorted but he took a deep breath.
"Now, you know how it feels, huh, Sonny? To be inferior to Paul Narita in every way."
Sonny, stunned, blinked dumbly at Will for a few moments.
"I know what you're doing," Sonny said, a smile sliding up his face. "You aren't gonna push me away."
"I'm not doing anything."
"You are, Will, but it won't work. I know you remember everything, now. You remember us and how we used to be. We can have that again."
"Have what, Sonny?" Will asked, exhausted already.
"The good times back," Sonny insisted. "Don't you remember? The first time we kissed."
"When I pushed you away?"
"No, no, our real first kiss," Sonny pressed. "Outside the Pub, you didn't push me away."
"You didn't stand up for me to your mom."
"The first time you held Arianna," Sonny ignored Will, grabbing his hand and squeezing. "The first time the three of us were together, a family."
"You left her here."
"Our wedding," Sonny's voice took on a desperate tone. "How happy we were to finally be together the way we always wanted."
"The way you always wanted," Will mumbled.
"Our lives were so happy, Will. We were so happy. We might have lost our way but we can get it back again. You, me, Ari, we can have it all."
"We might have been happy once but not for a long time, Sonny. Long before I almost died."
"Don't say that," Sonny pleaded. "It isn't true."
"I lied to you about getting Gabi pregnant."
"You were scared."
"Your mother hates me."
"She is our biggest supporter, now."
"You've always hated my writing."
"No, I haven't."
"You never once stood up for me when someone attacked it. You said you liked it to my face but as soon as there was any bit of conflict you sided with everyone else, always."
"You've grown since then. Your writing's better, now."
Will narrowed his eyes and ripped his hand away from Sonny.
"I cheated on you."
Sonny stumbled over his words before clearing his throat.
"You were young. We had our problems but they're fixed now. You're fixed now."
"There wasn't anything wrong with me," Will stated, eyes and tone firm.
"You didn't know how to handle having someone else's attention on you and you're past that now. Everything is fine. You love me and I love you and we can be together. Nothing and no one else matters."
"No, Sonny," Will argued. "You aren't understanding me."
"What's to understand? You had your little fling with Paul and now it's done."
"I never said it was done and it's not a fling."
"All you do is sleep together," Sonny rolled his eyes. "Well, now, you can sleep with your husband."
"You aren't my husband anymore."
"Semantics," Sonny waved his hand and metaphorically waving away anything Will said.
"Besides, me and Paul don't only sleep together," Will defended. "And even if we did, it's none of your business. Paul and I love each other."
Sonny laughed, shaking his head.
"Will, don't be ridiculous. You can't compare our love to whatever it is you feel for Paul."
"I know what I feel for Paul."
"What you felt," Sonny corrected. "You remember me now. Everything's different."
Will shook his head and glared up at the ceiling.
"You never listen to me."
"Yes, I do. I'm just trying to make you see that I know what's best –,"
"You don't know, Sonny. You have no idea. And you've never once respected my relationship with Paul."
"What relationship?" Sonny demanded, slapping his hands on his thighs. "All you do is sleep together and makeout in front of me."
"Whether you want to admit it or not, there's always been something between me and Paul. Years ago, now, it doesn't matter. There's always been something and there always will be."
"Paul Narita doesn't matter," Sonny enunciated. "You remember me, us. How could Paul be anything but the man you used to hate? The man who wanted me a hell of a lot more than he wants you?"
Will took a long, hard look at Sonny and shook his head.
"Because what I feel right now," Will put his hand to his chest, grabbing hold of his shirt. "What I feel has nothing to do with the past. I know who I was then, who you were, who Paul was. I know everything was different. How all three of us felt was different. But that doesn't take away what I feel right here, right now."
"You love me," Sonny challenged, refusing to listen. "I know you do."
"I loved you when I was an insecure lost little boy," Will insisted, stepping closer to Sonny and praying he would understand. "I'm in love with Paul as a strong, confident man. Maybe I'm still lost and scared now too. I remember all my old fears and insecurities after all. But I haven't been in love with you in years, Sonny. My feelings for Paul aren't going to disappear because I remember the past. I loved you then. I love Paul, now."
Sonny's mouth opened and closed several times, mouth forming words only for him to snap it shut. All he could do was shake his head and look at Will like he was seeing a stranger.
"If you only tried –," Sonny started to say.
"I might not be a hundred percent and some things are still shaky but I know what I feel, Sonny. I know what we went through. I know how much I loved you. But I don't feel that way, now. I'm sorry. I know how much you want this but I can't change how I feel."
"I never should have let you near Paul," Sonny muttered to himself, running his hands through his hair. "This is all his fault."
"Sonny, it's not. It's Ben's fault or Susan and Roger's but it's not Paul's and it's not yours or mine."
"But I love you," Sonny whispered, staring at Will with sad, watery eyes.
"I love you too, Sonny, but I'm not in love with you anymore."
"You could be," Sonny insisted, eyes sparking to life again. "If we just tried. We could fall in love all over again."
"Sonny, no."
"Okay, yes, okay. Okay. This is okay. I can work with this."
"Sonny, stop it."
"It's alright, Will. I understand everything, now."
Before Will could say anything to dissuade him Sonny pecked his cheek and was out the door, renewed in his faith everything would work out the way he wanted.
Once Sonny left, Will collapsed on his bed only for Paul's scent to fill his senses. Instead, Will moved to the ugly chair in the corner of the room. Ugly and bulky as it was, it was comfortable.
Will curled his knees to his chest, chin resting on his legs, and sighed.
While what he told Sonny was true, he was in love with Paul, Will didn't realize that's how he felt until the words came out of his mouth.
Things were still confusing for Will, and there were moments he couldn't differentiate who he was in the present with who he was in the past, but Will knew he loved Paul. That didn't change.
It didn't make things any easier either.
There were so many moments from their past, his and Paul's, that Will wasn't aware of before. Will vastly underestimated the way he felt about Paul before, both the good and the bad.
And with his newly recovered insecurities, Will didn't see how Paul could love him. Or why he would even try.
When Will first came to Salem from Memphis, when he was free from Susan's influence, there was nothing to stop Will from going after Paul with everything he had. From shamelessly kissing him, touching him, moving into the same building all for the sake of being closer. Will never doubted himself even when Paul rejected his advances, when he pushed Will away.
It was hard now to understand. Paul must have hated Will. He almost let everyone continue to believe Will was dead to keep Will from Sonny.
How could Paul go from how they were in 2015 to how they were now? Paul didn't have the benefit of amnesia to wipe everything clean. He knew Will. He knew what Will did, how Will once felt. And he went along with Will anyway. He fell in love with Will anyway.
Will didn't understand why.
If there was anything that carried over from Will's past to his present, it was the firm belief Paul Narita was perfect and Will would never compare.
A few hours later, when the sun started setting, Will woke from a catnap to the front door opening. He dozed off in the chair, mind warring between confidence and insecurity, certainty and doubt, belief that Paul loved him and fear Paul would take one look at Will Horton, memories and all, and run back into Sonny's arms.
Paul, keys jangling as he tossed them on Will's desk, balanced a to-go box in one arm and a drink carrier in another.
"Hey," Paul greeted with an uncertain smile when he saw Will rubbing his eyes.
"Hi," Will whispered, straightening his legs and rubbing his sore neck.
"I – I wanted to run after you," Paul admitted, inching closer while giving Will plenty of time to tell him to stop. "But I knew you wanted space."
"Thank you," Will said with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. "I wish everyone was as understanding as you."
It didn't take Paul any time to draw the correct conclusion.
"Sonny was here?" Paul said in as measured of a voice as he could muster.
"Yeah," Will responded, rolling his neck forward and back. "One thing I've always known, memories or not, he can't take a hint."
Paul, pulse racing, wanted to ask what Will meant but didn't know if he should. Instead, he shook the to-go box in Will's direction. "I brought your favorite, truffle fries, and an iced coffee drenched in caramel."
Will sat up straighter and took the box with grabby hands. When Paul handed him the drink, Will hesitated.
"I remember plain black coffee used to be my favorite," Will admitted, looking up at Paul and seeing his face fall.
"You don't have to drink it," Paul started to say only for Will to rip the cup from his hand.
"Just because I preferred something before doesn't mean I can't have a new favorite, now. I had years with no memories. I had to discover new things on my own."
"I know," Paul confirmed, not daring to get his hopes up, not this time.
Will opened the box and munched on a few fries. He didn't remember ever eating them before he returned from Memphis but he loved them, now. Much like his feelings for Paul. He didn't love Paul years before but he did, now.
Tired of Paul standing in front of him like a scolded puppy, Will stood up and moved to the foot of the bed. He patted the spot next to him and waited for Paul to sit before saying anything.
"I'm not the same Will I was when I woke up this morning."
"You're still the same to me," Paul replied, the two turning to face the other, truffle fries and drinks placed on the floor and forgotten.
"I'm different with my memories. I can feel it," Will insisted, trying to find a way to express himself so Paul would understand. "I look at you and I see you, my you, but I also see Sonny's you and it's the same and different. And I feel the same and different."
"I don't know what that means," Paul admitted.
"The way I feel," Will put his hand on his chest, moving closer to Paul. "The way I feel now is – I don't know how to say it. All my old fears, my insecurities are floating around inside my head and I know it isn't right. I know they shouldn't matter but they do. And I look at you, Paul, I look at you and I feel so much."
"So much of what?"
"I love you," Will admitted, looking into Paul's hopeful, beautiful eyes. "I love you and I know you love me too. But there's a voice in my head, a voice I didn't have this morning, telling me you don't, that you never could. That no one can love me because I'm stupid and useless and ugly and if Sonny couldn't love me, no one could."
"Is that how you felt before?" Paul asked, adjusting so his knee was touching Will's, so his hand was touching Will.
Will nodded.
"This morning I understood why you loved me. Now, now I don't know."
"Then I'll remind you. I'll remind you every minute of every day, Will. I'll tell you over and over how in love with you I am."
"But are you?" Will asked, voicing his biggest fear. "Are you in love with me, with this me? Not a confident, Paul-obsessed amnesiac but me. With the anxieties and in desperate need of a therapist who enjoys a challenge?"
Paul laughed, unable to hold it in.
"Yes, Will, you're still you."
"Could you have loved me before, before I almost died? Could you have loved that Will?"
Paul opened his mouth to answer before pausing.
"See," Will jumped to the worst conclusion. "See you can't even answer without hesitating."
"You didn't even give me a chance to think."
"Oh my god," Will mumbled to himself, beginning to panic. "I cheated on Sonny with you. I did. I slept with you when I was married to someone else and you hated me. You hated me."
"Will, I didn't hate you."
"You went after my husband and you didn't even care. I blackmailed your mother."
"I know all of this, Will, it doesn't change anything."
"I blackmailed your mother!" Will repeated even louder.
"Will," Paul tried to calm him down but Will was beyond that now, new memories and old memories combining and overwhelming.
"You hated me," Will repeated. "I got you a date and you acted like I was the worst human being in the world."
"You didn't have to tell Derrick all that personal stuff about me," Paul muttered under his breath.
"You must have been so relieved when I died," Will whispered, eyes watering and he didn't want to cry again but he couldn't help it.
"Will, no."
"Relieved I was out of your life and the only obstacle to your true love was dead and gone."
"Will, please."
"Only I wasn't dead. I wasn't and you saw me and you were going to leave me there. You were going to leave me with nothing but Susan for the rest of my life."
Will's eyes widened and he couldn't focus, couldn't see beyond what his newfound insecurities told him.
"Will."
"Why did you go out with me at all? You hated me. You wanted me dead. All you ever wanted was Sonny and you had him. You had him and I ruined everything. That's all I do. I ruin everything I touch. Why did you – why would you – why? I don't understand why. I don't understand. Paul, I – I don't," Will trailed off, breath coming in rapid, irregular huffs.
"Will, stop," Paul pulled him into a firm hug, enveloping Will in his arms the way he wanted to earlier. Paul tucked Will's head into the crook of his neck and squeezed him tight. "Will, breathe."
Will cried and trembled, clinging to Paul's shirt until he found his breath but refused to let go. Paul leaned his cheek against Will's head, murmuring soothing phrases and nonsense.
"Did you go out with me to get back at Sonny?" Will asked in between hiccups and sobs. "To rub it in my face when I got my memories back?"
"How can you ask me that?" Paul wondered, wounded. "I'd never do that to you, Will."
"Were you glad I was dead?"
"No, of course not," Paul answered, wanting to look Will in the eyes but not wanting to let him go either. "I won't lie and say I didn't feel something about it. Not happy or relieved but something close."
"How can you love me?" Will whispered, shaking his head against Paul's neck.
"The same way you love me, Will," Paul answered, firm and strong. "I got to know you over again. I could separate what happened in the past, who you were with Sonny, to who you are now."
"But I'm not different anymore. I'm not two separate Will's. I'm one Will and what if you can't love me anymore?"
"That isn't going to happen," Paul promised. He finally pushed Will away from him. Cupping Will's jaw with both hands, brushing away arrant tears with his thumbs, Paul held Will's gaze. "I knew who you were then. I never forgot all the things you did or the way we treated each other. I love you because of them, Will. Maybe we don't have the greatest past but we created something beautiful. Insecurities, fears, anxieties, responsibilities, I don't care, you're still my Will and I'm not letting you or anyone else tear us apart."
Will stared at Paul, several more tears falling from his eyes that Paul simply wiped away.
"I used to resent you so much," Will whispered, afraid if he spoke any louder he would chase Paul away. "You were my every fear come to life. But I love you so much now and it's so confusing, Paul. I don't know what to do."
"All you have to do now is love me as a complete person like you said," Paul assured Will, caressing his wet skin.
"I feel like I've lived two lifetimes."
"You have," Paul agreed. "Maybe even three at this point. You had your life in Salem. You survived living with Susan. I know you love her but she hurt you, Will. The way she treated you wasn't healthy but you survived that. And you created a new life with me. All those things happened to the same person, the same strong, beautiful man that I love. You're all of those men Will and this is only going to make me love you more."
"What if it doesn't?" Will asked in a soft voice. "What if I turn into someone you hate again?"
"I never hated you. Disliked, yes, resented a little, jealous and envious and yet still so damn attracted to. You keep focusing on all the bad but what about the good. When we met for the first time, it was electric. I knew from the moment I saw your pretty little face you were someone special and I was right. Maybe we didn't get it right the first time around but we will now. I know we will."
"You used to love Sonny more than you love me," Will said, blinking away another round of tears. Hating himself for sounding so weak, wanting to shake himself and remember who he was ten hours before.
Paul laughed, changing his grip on Will's face.
"I used to love Sonny," Paul confessed, smiling when Will's face fell. "When I first met him in San Francisco, when I first saw him here, and a year ago when I wanted to marry him. But there was always going to be something keeping us apart and two out of the three times, it was you, Will."
"Because Sonny wanted me, not because you didn't want Sonny," Will said, closing his eyes.
"Maybe," Paul agreed. "But, I can't imagine my life with Sonny at all anymore. I can barely even remember it. Every moment I've been with you has eclipsed Sonny in every way. Every smile, every laugh, every kiss, everything about you, Will. There is no Sonny for me anymore. There's only you. There's only ever going to be you."
"Really?" Will asked, blinking away tears of a different sort.
"Yes, really," Paul chuckled. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, especially Sonny Kiriakis."
Will couldn't contain his smile, leaning into Paul's strong hand against his cheek, and closing his eyes.
Paul enjoyed it for a moment, savored it. Memorized each detail of Will's face, even the tear tracks and the puffiness to his eyes. But he had to know something himself.
"What about you?" Paul asked. "You have your memories, now. Do you love Sonny?"
Will opened his eyes and took a few moments to answer. In the end, he told Paul a variation on what he told Sonny.
"I remember loving him and a part of me loves him still. But my feelings for you aren't going to disappear because I remember the past. I used to be in love with Sonny but I'm in love with you."
Paul nodded, relieved. He knew things weren't going to be perfect. Knew there would be a lot more work and effort now that Will's memories returned. But Will was worth it, god, was he worth it.
"Maybe I should let you have some space," Paul suggested, reluctantly pulling away from Will with one last brush to Will's warm cheek. "You've had a long day and you need some time to sort through your feelings."
Will wanted to argue, wanted to cling to Paul, beg him not to leave Will, not ever. He didn't even know if that was an old insecurity or a new one.
"I guess," Will answered, frowning as Paul grabbed his own drink from the floor and headed for the door.
"I'll be in my own room," Paul announced, wanting nothing more than to stay by Will's side.
When Paul was halfway out the door, Will asked, "did I miss anything at the wedding?"
"Your mom came at the end of the reception," Paul answered with a shrug. "But for once, I think Salem had a wedding turn out perfectly. Goodnight, Will."
"Goodnight, Paul."
Will waited for the door to close before he grabbed his phone, dialing an old familiar number.
"Mom?" Will asked when he heard Sami's voice.
"Will, where were you today?" Sami demanded. "Paul wouldn't tell us anything other than you weren't feeling well and needed to leave. What happened?"
"Headache," Will answered, not wanting to add Sami to his already dramatic day. He'd tell her in the morning. He'd tell everyone. Until then, he needed some advice. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course," Sami answered, a little confused and suspicious.
"How did you know you wanted to be with EJ instead of Dad?"
"Oh," Sami sounded surprised before making the obvious connection in Will's life. "Well, it was hard and obviously took a lot of trial and error. And I can't even really describe it. It's just a gut feeling I had. I'm sure it'll be the same for you. I love your father even now but it's changed with time. We have you and Allie and I love the parts of him I see in the two of you. We can parent together and be friends but that's it. My life moved on without Lucas. Without EJ, well, there is no life without EJ. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to have just one more minute with EJ. And if that's how you feel about Paul or about Sonny, then you have your choice. That is what we're talking about, right?"
"Yeah," Will nodded, nibbling on his lower lip. "Thanks, Mom."
"…wait a minute…you're calling me mom and referred to Lucas as dad. Oh my god, did you get your –?" Sami tried to ask before Will cut her off.
"Talk to you tomorrow, bye."
Will threw his phone on his bed before sighing.
There wasn't any deciding. Will could parent and be friends with Sonny but he moved on too. But there was no life without Paul.
Paul stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Rubbing steam off the mirror and staring at his morose expression. He should be happy. Will had his memories back and still loved him. But there was some niggling fear deep in Paul. Something that told him staying away from Will now was wrong.
For all Will's talk of fears and insecurities, Paul sure developed a set of his own during their relationship. After so much abandonment by Sonny, Paul didn't know if he could handle anymore now, especially from Will.
Paul didn't lie before. He had never loved anyone more than he loved Will Horton and he never would.
Drying off quickly, throwing on some facial moisturizer and brushing his teeth, Paul got ready for bed. Although he couldn't imagine getting any rest without Will pressed against him.
After slipping on a clean pair of boxers, Paul walked into his sad, lonely room that no longer felt like his only to stop mid-step.
Will was lying in his bed with a sheepish smile on his face. He threw open the covers and patted the spot next to him.
Paul couldn't stop grinning, rushing into bed, almost giddy. Will was no better if the smile on his face was anything to go by.
Will threw the blankets over them both before cozying up against Paul.
"I love you, memories or not," Will said, looking up at Paul. "I don't care how difficult this is going to be. I love you and I'm not letting you go, even for a night."
Paul pulled Will into a kiss, putting his heart and soul into it. Kissing the breath right out of Will's lungs.
When he pulled back and Will's eyes were soft and his cheeks red, Paul said, "I love you too, Will Horton."
Will grinned before kissing Paul again.
"Will you go with me to see Ari in the morning? And deal with the rest of the lunatics in this town when they find out I have my memories back?" Will asked once he pulled away.
"There's nowhere I'd rather be," Paul answered, kissing the top of Will's hand.
Will snuggled into Paul's chest, listening to his heartbeat, fingers entwined.
"Paul?"
"Hmm?" he answered, eyes closed, content and at peace for the first time in hours.
"I did not sleep with you to get a story, you liar," Will hissed. "You were the one who seduced me."
Paul put one arm behind his head and grinned, happy to listen to Will scold him for placing the blame on Will's shoulders.
Paul planned to listen to Will argue with him for the rest of his life.
THE END
Author's note:
Disclaimer: don't own and title is from Abba's My Love My Life
The idea for this story should be pretty self-explanatory.
No clue what I'll write next. My inspiration has dwindled. So, we'll see.
Thanks!