Puzzles of the Heart by doc

AN: This story was written in response to a challenge. It takes place immediately following the scenes from "Touchdown" in Season 9. As a reminder, at the end of that episode, Harm is walking along the carrier deck with a little girl in his arms. He had just successfully landed the C-130 on the carrier and lost his job with the CIA after his heroics were filmed by a news crew. I also loved the character of Sturgis during Seasons 7 and 8; I plan to resurrect his role as friend and confidante.

Challenge was to use the following lines: "Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them all up…I feel I've got a big hole where my heart used to be."

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of the characters. I just take them out and play with them on occasion before replacing them safe and sound back on the shelf.

Part 1/3

Friday

October 24, 2003

JAG Headquarters

Sturgis watched Mac out of the corner of his eye. She had tried to pretend that she wasn't affected by Harm's absence. When asked by Bud, she'd answered that, "she didn't miss him." But Sturgis couldn't help but notice the corners of her mouth turn upwards in a barely suppressed smile at the picture of her sailor waltzing across the television screen. He knew her secret, even if she had tried to forget the words…tried to suppress the emotions…the feelings. He shook his head, 'would those two ever get it right.'

Bud turned to Mac excited to share in the exploits of their missing hero, "Ma'am did you see him. Doesn't he look great? Wow, is there anything he can't do?" When he failed to receive more than an indulged sigh from his remaining mentor, he turned on her, "Don't you miss him at all…do you even care what happens to him?" Bud startled at the sound of his own insolent voice and replied with shrinking demeanor, "I'm sorry, Ma'am…that was uncalled for." Bud slunk toward his office, his enthusiastic persona crushed by the ongoing lack of camaraderie and compassion in his small JAG family.

Mac turned away and tried to hide her visceral response to Harm's jovial conquering face and Bud's cutting remarks. She had a momentary lapse in her emotional shield before military training took over and her stoic marine facade was firmly back in place. She hadn't thought anyone noticed as her eyes darted around the bullpen before settling straight ahead. She quickly ducked into her office and closed the door. Maybe if she gave herself a few minutes of solitude, she could steel her tattered heart back in place…drive away the image of her beautiful gallant warrior from her vision to the recesses of her mind. She fell into her chair and reached for a tissue; finding the box empty, she rummaged through her top desk drawer in search of an errant cloth. Instead, she snagged her fingernail on a hard pointed surface. Withdrawing her hand, she placed her finger into her mouth, sucking away the sting. Reaching back into the drawer, she pulled out the offending object and then attempted unsuccessfully to blink back the tears in her eyes and the pain in her heart. Running her fingertips over the shiny cool surface, she could almost feel his presence in the room, hear his voice in her mind, inhale the scent that was him. How had it gone so wrong…how had she lost so much of herself in someone who she'd never truly called her own…and how would she ever survive without the other half of her soul. She'd fooled herself into believing that she didn't need him, that she was unaffected by his refusal to stay in touch…but with one single fleeting image the concrete walls around her heart crumbled, leaving a huge gaping hole in the shape of him. She continued to stare at the image as his reflection became distorted and blurred by falling tears.

In her quick retreat, she'd missed the tall silent figure hiding in the shadows. Sturgis watched with discerning eye, taking in the troubled fragile shell, the tear glazed eyes and the clenched fist, rubbing in vain at the searing pain in her chest. She'd fooled others, ducked the questions, avoided the glares and innuendos, but he knew her secret…her heart's deepest wish. He mused over the state of his JAG family's condition; as with all families, it was going through a troubled time. The king was bristly and demanding; the heroed prince had fled to parts unknown; the battered princess tried to cover, but was withdrawn and injured; even the faithful servant was beginning to crack under the weight. He pondered his own contributions to the destruction of the crumbling kingdom and decided it was about time for him to abandon his superior attitude and resume his prior role as friend, confidante and facilitator. He shook himself from his musing; clearly his folks had spent one too many nights reading him fairytales at bedtime. Nonetheless the principles remained the same, his family was in desperate need of an intervention of the meddling kind, and he was determined to set the path of the prince and the princess back on a collision course.

He approached Mac's office door, and with a silent prayer for protection whisked to those on high, quickly rapped on the marine colonel's door and entered without invitation. His plan was to catch her unawares, before she could slam shut the steel doors to her heart and close the windows to her soul. As strategically planned, she was unprepared for the stealthy intruder and was unable to hide her falling tears and pained expression. She tried to bury the picture frame in her hand under a nearby pile of charts as she bellowed, "Sturgis, don't you know how to knock?"

He smiled at her bravado; he'd caught her caressing the picture with tender fingers and had little doubt as to the subject of the photo. He marveled at his good fortune, further evidence to unearth and present as proof of his theory…the love was not dead, but was merely shelved away in an act of desperate self-protection. He casually replied, "Mac, I did knock, but you seemed engrossed in thought a world away…I trust it was," he raised a brow in question, "…someplace good?"

She ducked her head and swiveled her chair away from his prying gaze. Reaching up to wipe the moisture from her eyes, she cleared her throat to banish the emotion and tears in her voice. "What do you want, Sturgis? I thought we were finished with the case. You pled out, remember? Don't tell me, you want to back out on the plea, Commander," she eyed him suspiciously.

Sturgis returned a sympathetic look, "No Mac, I'm here as a friend…I just wanted to make sure you were OK."

"Why wouldn't I be?" she bristled at his implication.

He smiled sadly, "Mac, I saw your expression when Harm appeared on the television screen…."

"Sturgis," she warned.

"You can hide your true feelings from the others," he approached her desk and lowered his voice, "but Mac, I know the emotions you have buried deep inside."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she answered, even as she slumped further into her chair. The caring in his voice was her undoing, "Sturgis, I don't want to talk about this…please." She quickly wiped away another tear. "Harm has moved on with his life, and left the rest of us to deal, with barely a backwards glance."

He challenged, "Aren't you the one who decided it was through…that it would NEVER work?"

Her eyes flamed, "Well, you've obviously heard his side of the story, so why are you here acting as though you care about me? You're his friend…I'm just a colleague, and one that of late, you seem to despise."

He remained steadfast and calm at her attempts to provoke, "Oh, but I do, Mac…care that is. You're both my friends; at least you used to be. I realize that my actions of late have been less than collegial, but I think it's time I make amends. I know what it feels like to be out in the cold. Please, I'd like to help…if in no other way than to offer a sympathetic ear. Tell me what happened."

She bowed her head at the offering and whispered, "Sturgis, I don't know what went wrong. One minute I feared for my life, and the next we were through. What happened in between was a blur, it was like we were outside of our bodies…watching these two strangers fight and bicker and hurl insults. And then it was all over…I said NEVER and he was gone…I didn't mean it like that…I didn't want him to walk away and leave me behind."

He kneeled before her, "Then why did you say it? What did you expect him to do?"

She looked away and answered in a haunting voice, "I don't know. I watched Gunny be captured and I thought killed…Webb was tortured because of my marine insistence, 'to leave no man behind'…I was strapped to a table, to await the same fate…and then," her eyes widened in awe, "…he appeared, like a dream, my brave soldier. I was so relived to see him come through that door, but he didn't even seem happy to see me…it was like I was an annoyance that he once again had to rescue. It went down hill from there. He thought I was with Webb, because I kissed him. I tried to explain that I wasn't…I was just trying to comfort Clay, because I thought he was dying. I even stayed in the hotel room with Harm, but he didn't believe me, and he didn't want to talk about it…US. I finally told him; it wouldn't work out between US, because we both wanted to be on top." She looked into Sturgis's eyes, "I don't even know what that means…I don't want to be on top…I want to be side-by-side, partners, friends…Butch and Sundance…like we've always been."

"Do you still love him?"

She looked away, "What does love have to do with it…he walked away."

Sturgis insisted, " Diversion doesn't constitute an answer, Counselor. Do you still love him?"

"Yes," was returned in a small voice.

"Have you ever told him that you want more than friendship?"

She closed her eyes as tears tracked down her cheeks, "Yes…but he didn't want me."

Sturgis was dumbfounded at that response, "He told you NO?" She nodded her head. He looked on puzzled, "When did this happen?"

"Sturgis, please…I don't want to rehash the specifics. It happened before you came here…to JAG. We were just finding our footing again, about the time you came."

Sturgis shook his head, "But I don't understand…when I first came, I asked him if he had a girl; he said 'no…she has me.' I'm sure he was talking about you."

She released a derisive laugh, "He was with Renee back then."

Sturgis shook his head, "No, he wasn't…trust me. And I know he wasn't involved with any other woman…but YOU."

She sighed, "Sturgis, we've never been involv…."

Sturgis laughed, "Mac, you and Harm can both save it for someone who can't see the obvious…you've been involved, in one way or another, with each other as long as I've been here…longer than that, if scuttlebutt is true. The fact that the two of you don't want to admit to your relationship, doesn't preclude the rest of us from seeing it."

She looked down, "Well, it doesn't matter anymore…every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them up. I've tried to call him…to check on him, let him know I miss him…but he doesn't care. Seventeen times I've called; seventeen times I've left messages. He walked out of my life for good this time, and I feel like I've got a big hole where my heart used to be."

He placed his hand on her arm, "Mac, what if I talk to him…tell him, you miss him."

She shook her head, "It doesn't matter…he's walked away from me twice now. I don't think I could survive a third…please, just let it go."

Sturgis reached up and tugged at the photograph, pulling it from the files and into her line of sight. "Mac, can you tell me that you don't want him back…that you can just stop loving him."

She took the picture and threw it into her desk drawer, "I'll never stop caring about him…but I have to move on, for my own sanity. I can't live in a fantasy world anymore. Leave it alone Sturgis, I'm through," and with that she locked the desk drawer. "Please, just let it be."

He stood up, "But Mac…."

She shook her head, "No…now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

He walked to the door and turned back to face her, "I'm here if you need a friendly ear, Mac."

She smiled back with sad resignation, "Thanks…I really do need to get back to my case."

He gave one final smile, and with a nod of his head, closed her office door. He sighed, how was he going to fix this one…it was so much more complicated this time. She'd finally given up on her sailor. He had his work cut out for him, if he was going to heal this rift. But his friends' happiness, no, their very souls depended on his success. One was not complete without the other; although they denied their obvious relationship, their use of possessive pronouns didn't go unnoticed by him…her sailor…his marine…her brave soldier…his partner. He couldn't believe that Harm would flat out refuse a chance at love with his marine. Surely that episode was yet another misunderstanding…an error in the translation of Harm-speak to Mac-hear. Well, his next stop would obviously be one stubborn and recalcitrant CIA agent/ex-Navy pilot and lawyer. He headed to his office to begin the task of tracking down his incommunicado friend.

TBC