Right. Well, one day I got sick and tired of reading those crappy self-insert OC stories. So what did I do? What any idiot would do: I sat down and wrote a parody. So here you go-this is a story mocking pretty much every lousy OC fic I've read (and that's quite a few). However, I've skipped out on the terrible spelling and grammar that accompany most of the stories, because I was pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to mangle the English language so intentionally. Remember though, I'm not trying to single out anyone in here. So what are you waiting for? Go on and read it.

Written for Element Wolf.

Hello! My name is Sapphyre Raven Beaauetiful Jackson. Oops! Did I say Jackson? Well, shoot.

You see, I'm Percy's sister, even though neither of us knows it yet. I mean...the author made it totally obvious to the readers, but poor little me has to remain oblivious until Chapter Nine or whenever the Suethor gets too impatient with how slow things are moving.

So just forget I said anything, 'kayz? 'Kayz.

Anyway.

I'm an orphan. When I was barely a day old, a mother and father that I never knew put me up for adoption. I grew up in an orphanage where not only did we get fed one bowl of gruel each, sometimes there were maggots in it. Eew.

But since I am beautiful just like my name oh-so subtly suggests, and brave, and strong, I ate all of my gruel and maggots because they forced us to. *dramatic sob* I'm sorry...talking about it just brings back terrible memories of the hardships I went through.

When I was three, I was sold into slavery and forced to work in a mine twenty six hours a day with no rest for four years. Finally I managed to escape the mine, but was captured by a group of ninjas. Lucky for me, I managed to play the guitar and sing so beautifully (just like my name! Squee!) that they decided that instead of killing me and selling my kidneys on the black market that they would teach me all they knew.

Not only am I beautiful, I'm brilliant. I picked up on everything in less then a day and by the end of the week I could defeat the leader in unarmed combat. I would have taken over the group, but I felt that my destiny was elsewhere.

So I bid them goodbye–tenderly sobbing as I left some of the first friends I had ever had–and wandered straight into the clutches of another evil orphanage mistress.

But here, I had some luck. A nice family came along and adopted me. There was a man, his wife, and a little boy and girl. They took me home where I was able to sleep on a real bed for the first time since I was a baby. And the next day they told me that they had enrolled me in school. School! I had never gone to school before. I wept tears of sheer joy that I would finally be able to get an education, thus living up to my fullest potential.

The next day, I was so eager to get to school. But when I got there, a big, mean bully towered over me.

I was so scared I forgot how to use each and every one of the fifty three forms of martial arts that the ninjas had taught me.

I could see now that this was no ordinary bully. This was a monster. I don't know how I knew, I just did, 'kayz? Because I'm special, and a Mary Sue, and all that, I remembered a lesson on Greek mythology (a subject I had never taken, but, God! Do you have to be so nit-picky about the details?) and realized that this was a Laistrygonian giant! Oh, noes!

I grabbed my brand new ruler which just happened to be made out of celestial bronze, and stabbed the monster. It was so easy for me. It felt...right.

I went into the school, where everything went fine–my being a super intelligent child genius might have helped–until math class.

I knew something was wrong when I saw the math teacher come in. I just sensed something evil, you know? So after class she asked to speak to me, and of course, being the good little Mary Sue that I am, I went.

Then, something really really really bad happened–she tried to kill me! Oh, noes, again! So I managed to plunge a pair of scissors into her heart and finish her off. Yay, me, right? Yeah, I know. So then here's the worst part: NO ONE BELIEVED ME. In fact, my adopted family kicked me out because they thought I was crazy. So there I was, an orphan once again.

I had no one to turn to, and no place to call my home. So I wandered around, until I somehow made my way to New York, where I encountered the most unlikely people I had ever met and had all sorts of fantastic adventures with them...

Tune in next time for the adventures of Sapphyre Raven...whatever her name was. Don't flame if you're going to say it's stupid or she's a Mary Sue–I did that on purpose. It's called a parody, people.

Thanks for reading.

~Aish Sheva