Thanks to Liz & Steven for reading my rough drafts :3

You're So Sexy I Could Eat You

He waggled his eyebrows flirtatiously and fluttered his eyelashes.

"Heeeey," he drawled, flipping his hair with a nonchalant flair. (That totally didn't rhyme.)

His tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth, and strands of saliva threatened to spill down his chin. He was absolutely, inevitably enthralled. There was something so incredibly attractive about the sight that lay before him, its loveliness almost enough to make him melt into a pool of unrequited obsession. But he was a man of action, and so, gritting his teeth, he took a resolute step forward.

Only two feet away now.

"I want to eat you, baby." The words were just sliding off his tongue.

Clyde Donovan had discovered the meaning of life about eight years ago, in his room, while attempting to jack off to some back issue of Playboy he'd found in Mr. Mackey's desk. He was flipping through the pages and crunching thoughtfully on a plateful of tacos (loaded with sour cream and cheese, skip the tomatoes). The way his Mom made them was amazing; he could eat them forever and ever and he probably would if she would just let him.

He turned the page to admire the full-length poster of that month's Playmate, brown eyes as wide as the plate his tacos were sitting on. Clyde allowed his eyes to roam as he reached for another taco –

But suddenly, oh fuck! His heart froze as he realized he was grasping thin air, his nine-year-old fingers anxiously scrabbling across the plastic to find just one more crumb... but to no avail.

Clyde brought his knees to his chest and bit his lip as he stared at the empty plate. The Playboy slipped onto the floor, but he couldn't even bring himself to notice.

Because there were no more tacos.

And then he burst into tears.

At the age of seventeen, Clyde was ever so slightly more self-possessed. Unlike Craig, Tweek, and their really bad make out sessions before gym, Clyde was fully knowledgeable about the concept of love. It was a touchy subject, something that had to be approached with caution and carefully practiced pickup lines. Which meant no more "If I promise I won't look down your shirt will you go out with me Wendy?" tactics. That shit just ended in black eyes and crowbars and other assorted forms of fuckpain (and not the sex kind).

However. All those constant rejections had finally taught him something – and it would actually be kind of heartwrenching if they hadn't, just sayin'. Simply put, people weren't worth the trouble. They threatened to kill him, they flipped him off, and they spilled coffee on his crotch "by accident" (well fuck you Tweek!) It wasn't his fault that he cried so much – you try getting extra hot coffee spilled on your fucking dick!

Then there was that brief "fling," if he could even call it that, with Kevin. And it had actually been really nice for about two days, you know – until Clyde had realized there was a Star Wars shrine in every corner of the dude's house. Seriously, what if Kevin was just using him as a replacement for Princess Leia or whatever seriously fucked up LARP he had going on? Clyde definitely wasn't as paranoid as Tweek, but dude, he was not roleplaying. Not even for Asians.

The most recent incident had been just last week, when he'd asked Craig out. ...Clyde had the tendency to fall for all those faggy "you can be more than just best friends!" soap opera shenanigans.

lol, shenanigans

Craig had simultaneously kicked him in the crotch, flipped him off, and monotonously screamed "I'M GAY FOR RED RACER, YOU FUCKING DUMBFUCK!" God, what an awesome best friend. A best friend who then later conveniently forgot that he was saving himself for a two-dimensional, shittily animated cartoon character to make out with Tweek. Tweek fucking Tweak.

So god damn uncool.

That left Stan (who was obviously screwing Kyle), Kenny (who was screwing everyone), Cartman (who was mindfucking Wendy), Token (who was straight because he was Token, like, come on) – and tacos. And if he thought about it, tacos never tried to kick him in the nuts. Or beat the shit out of him in general.

It was kind of nice.

-fin