Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people and NO disrespect is meant by anything written here. I'm not affiliated with Tolkien or any of his works and I'm not making money from this. I've also got nothing to do with any of the television shows mentioned in this story. Please don't sue. I have nothing but an inferiority complex.

Author's Note: This is a parody. Of what, I do not know. Many things. You can work it out. It's late and I haven't decided yet. It will be some sort of affair with chapters, if anyone can be bothered reading. Otherwise, I'll go and find some other tactic to acquire attention.

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As Sarah Jessica Angelina MacPherson found herself plucked from strutting fashionably down the school corridor and hurtled toward Middle Earth, Fate and Destiny could sense that they had done well and that the greatest love story ever told was about to unfurl like a proud national flag.

Unfortunately for Sarah, Fate was slightly cockeyed and she missed the shores of Middle Earth by several hundred fathoms. And as a large, nameless sea creature digested the last of her pretty face, a ring-less plot would form that would turn brave warriors into nervous fifteen year old boys, a courageous quest into a satin-sheets-and-scented-oils seduction scene, and one gallant Elf into a giggling virgin.

It's probably not worth calling this a Lord of the Rings story. There will be no mention of the ring. Lord only knows what the ring was doing while this story was written. It might have been playing the lead role in a 'serious' and 'hard-hitting' off-Broadway production about a gay teen coming to terms with life in modern society. I might have been shoved sideways into the love-muffin of a fellowship member. In fact, if it had been mentioned, it almost certainly would have been.

But this story has nothing to do with a ring.

Which is why the mysterious fellowship stopped short on the bank of some nameless quarry and looked at each other. Legolas scratched his pretty head.

" Hang on… what's all this about?" he said.

"I really don't know," said Aragorn, " But I think that we should go and build a fire over there and arrange logs and various living flora decoratively and have a sexual identity crisis."

And so they did. For reasons that we will not go into here because, quite frankly, the author really doesn't

know.

And as the amber glow flickered romantically over their attractive faces, the fellowship collectively flipped the bird at Tolkien, rejected all personality traits quintessential to bold and esteemed travelers, and started to have strange and unfamiliar urges.

Legolas, in particular, found himself filled with the overwhelming urge to hump his colleagues, as (being an almost celibate Elf ) this was the most out-of-character he could possibly get.

Merry and Pippin fell upon each other, as did Frodo and Sam, making out like a group of sex-starved adolescents at a screening of the latest teen-hit-romantic-comedy. Aragorn looked suggestively at Legolas, who blushed accordingly and found himself filled to the brim with girlish glee. Boromir coughed politely and looked blankly at the dirt because he was wasn't attractive enough for any of the others, but was still too good looking for Gandalf or Gimli.

Gimli looked hopefully at Gandalf, who shook his head sternly and nodded towards his staff.

"A wizard's staff is his best friend, Gimli."

Gimli shrugged and followed Boromir's gaze to a particularly interesting pebble.

"Don't be glum Gimli, Boromir" said Gandalf reassuringly, " You know what we have to do now. We have to play matchmaker to Legolas and Aragorn, and employ tactics that wouldn't have worked on I Love Lucy. Of course, they will work here. All the while we must watch over the hobbits, because I feel that Sam will soon fall pregnant."

Boromir sighed. He felt like he was really getting the raw end of the stick, but he just couldn't see what he could do about it. The author had cut his IQ down to 80, and he was struggling to upkeep basic homeostatis.

"So," continued Gandalf " I figure that we need one of those Young and the Restless set-ups. You know, rose petals, soft music, leopard print underwear."

"Let's get right on it." Said Gimli, and stood up to forage for the aforementioned items. Gandalf and Boromir followed suit.

An hour later they all convened at the campsite again, empty-handed. Unfortunately for the author, Middle Earth had had somewhat of an uprising over the terrible misuse of the fellowship and Sauron (that boring, unattractive character) had stolen all romantic items.

"I think" said Gandalf "That Middle Earth has had somewhat of an uprising and Sauron has confiscated all romantic items to be gotten in the deepest natural habitat such as oysters and champagne and has taken them to his castle in …" Gandalf paused.

"In…" he continued, " a strange and far off land" That seemed good enough.

"Men, we must now band together to ensure that somehow Aragorn will deflower Legolas in some big emotional loss-of-virginity type thing, and that the hobbits may continue in their blatant mimicry of the author's peers, rather than act as actual hobbits."

They all nodded. And thus was forged the Fellowship of someone's wet dream.