Story: The Pain of the Past
Summary: Life changes, people change, and places change. But pain and love never seem to waver. HGSS
The dank, cool stone felt rough under her feet, as she walked down the dark corridor. The cool breeze flew in from the windows, swirling around her. Behind her, the dark abyss from which she came was growing larger and larger. Her steady walk halted in mid-step and she breathed in sharply. "Sandalwood and the deep smell of hard work, it is very distinctive."
"Yes, I would imagine it is much like the smell of lilac and soap." The man's dark voice seemed to ooze out of the eerie surroundings.
"I should have known that you would have noticed, yet I am still surprised." Since her feet had stopped moving her, her tiny form began to shiver.
The man just stood in front of her in the dark. His whole figure was shrouded in darkness. "Come with me." A tone of authority and commandment filled the three words.
"I will not go back, so no need for your attempts." She put one foot forward and regained her normal rhythm of step.
This time a sound of steps followed, her and her bare feet remaining silent. It was almost like the representation of her life. Her silent footsteps where not really silent and could be heard, if the echo of the powerful footsteps would be silenced. With a sudden movement, she broke into a run. She turned the corner and quickened her pace. She was desperate, desperate to get away. Once she had reached her destination, she pulled back the door. To her relief an opening appeared and she stepped into the awaiting darkness. Again she saw her error in the dim moonlit room. Memories flooded back to her, the power of them forcing her to her knees.
"It will always be this hard for you. Years have yet to calm the reaction that plays upon me, a reaction much similar to yours." His voice was no longer dark, now it seemed to hide some emotion.
Still on her knees, her tears fell to the floor, shining in the light that came from the window. "Go away," she commanded in a meek tone.
"You don't want me to do that." He said, not moving from the entrance.
"I really do. Just please leave me." Her tears became more frantic now, as if a tidal wave emotion had come over her.
"I can't leave you and you know that." His voice was not going to be shaken by her tears, although the strain of it was apparent.
She stood, her tears coming to a halt, and she stared into the room. "So much has happened, not just here in this room. Here in this place, so much more has happened that I could never understand. Some many things that bring tears to my eyes, and yet here I am, unable to escape them."
"Why did you come here, when where you came from was filled with much more happiness?" He asked her, unable to control the beast of jealousy that raged inside him.
She smiled and he wondered if it was a true smile. "Yes, happiness is in abundance there. But there is no one who is willing to look at all the things that we didn't do. All the things that we could have prevented that we just let happened. All the things and people that we let go because of "the cause." It is all parties and no regrets there, yet I am overfilling with regrets."
"What regrets? What more could you have done that you didn't do? How many more people could you have saved? How much more could you have prevented? You did all that you could, and you did more than enough. You should not regret what got lost." He said.
She walked over, deeper into the room that held so many memories. She ran her fingers over the walls, over the tables, over the chairs. She took in the deep scent that she had known for seven long years, felt the feeling that erupted inside her every time she walked into the room was still present. She knew that of all the places, this was the one place that held the most painful memories. "Do you regret turning me away?"
The man watched her actions, watched her deep breath as she took in the scent of the room she had once loved. He barely even registered her question. "Of course not, I did what I thought was best for you."
"And was it best for you too? Or was it the first and only selfless act that you have done?" Her voice gained a bite to it, and her words stung the air.
He felt the sting of the words, the pain she felt, and the mistakes they had both made. "No, it was not. I regret that I did not think to be selfish in that moment, as I have been so selfish in life. But what happened, happened. I cannot erase that."
"No, I know that you cannot erase what you did. But I will not lie when I say that I feel better knowing you have been suffering in the wake of the mistake you made. I suffered far too long not to feel some gratification that you have suffered as well." She held a cold demeanor and a harsh tone.
"I never meant for you to suffer, that was not my intention…"
"But that is what happened." She interrupted, the words exploding from her mouth in a loud thunder. "How dare you hold up that demeanor of righteousness? You have done nothing right here!!! you cannot keep telling me that you never meant it. you meant to turn me away and you meant for this to happen." All the anger and all the hurt she had endured for so long came spilling out of her mouth in a flow that she could not stop. Once the flow had trickled down to nothing, she stood waiting for the result of her words.
He stared at her for the longest time, not managing to form words that could make it better. What she said was right, and he knew that it was. Although he had been foolish in thinking that she would move on and his actions would have no consequences, he never dreamed that it would have been this bad. Here she was, so young and yet grown so much. It was as if he had forced thousands of years of heartache into her with one very naïve action. "If I could say something that would make it better, it would not be the truth. I will not lie to you; I have done so much as to never lie to you."
"And that makes it better? So you have been truthfully with me all this time, who the hell cares? Look around you; this is what you have left of your life. This is what you can call home, what you can say you gave me up for? To save this place and to save him, and yet you could not save it. You could not have saved him, no matter how hard you tried." She looked around at the ruins that were her old school; the shattered remains of the old stonewalls, the broken chairs, shattered glass, and crumbles of a world once grand.
He did not need to look around to know that the place lies in ruins. He did not need to see them, for he had looked upon them many times. "I had to try; it was what I owed him. For all that he did for me, I owed him that much."
She scoffed and turned her back to him. "He would have understood." Suddenly the harshness of her voice disappeared, but a much scarier emotion laced her words. It was a deep pain, so deep that it seemed to be coursing through her blood. "He would have wanted you to be happy. He would have known that it was a hopeless attempt here and he would have wanted you to move on. This place is nothing now, nothing but the memory of what it had been. And yet, here you stay. Why? Is it that hard to just walk away?"
"I could ask you the very same question," he said.
She smiled, knowing that he could not see it. Yes, she was still capable of smiling. But it was still tainted with the pain that never left her eyes. "I came here in search for something that does not exist in me. Something that I lost when you turned me away, something that lies in these walls, no matter if they lie in ruin. It runs through this ground, just like the ancient magic."
He smiled and knew she would have missed seeing it. She used to tell him how much she loved his smile, back before he wiped hers away. She had such a delicate and beautiful way of saying things, a way that made his heart ache in wondering if she spoke of him that way. "It has not gone, it is still here."
"Yes, I would imagine that it could never really leave here, just like you never could. I can feel it, in the cold stone beneath my feet, in the air around me, in the way the desk feels under my fingers. It lives here because it has no other place to live." She turned back to him.
"I can change; I can make up for the mistakes of my past." He said his tone almost close to begging.
She frowned and picked up a stone from the ground. "You know I cannot do that. I have forgiven you for a lot of things and each one you have made up for. But I have no more room in my heart to forgive you of another burden. I cannot carry this one for you."
He stepped into the light coming from the shattered window. "Look around you; of all the rooms that stayed intact, this is the only one. Does that not symbolize something for you? Can you not read the signs?"
She took his appearance in, one that she had long ago forgotten. His dark hair hung over his face, hiding what was behind it. His tall, lanky form had not changed, although his body seemed wearier. He still wore the black robes that now billowed from the breeze. He was almost the same, but she knew that his scares where inside. "You look the same as always, nothing has changed about you. That could also be a sign." This time it was her turn to step into the light and let him see her.
As she stepped into the light, he held back the gasp he knew would betray him. He still dreamt about the figure that stood before him, but it had changed much since he last saw her. Her long, curly hair was short and its color more dull than before. She had grown into a full figured woman, with breasts and hips that he had not remembered her having. Despite her womanly figures, she still had a thin, fragile form. Scars littered her arms, but her worst scar was on her face. A jagged scar, which ran diagonally through her face, had cut through the once beautiful and flawless face and he silently began to sob at the sight. Nothing had prepared him for this sight; nothing would make him feel like this. "I…" he could not form the words he wanted to say.
"Yes, most people are shocked by it. And each person sees something different in it. Do you know that I know what you see? You think of it as a physical scar to match the emotionally one you put upon me. I can assure you that the scar upon my heart runs much deeper, longer, and darker than the once across my face. No, this is not a symbol of the pain that you caused. It is a symbol of the sacrifices I made. You are one of those sacrifices."
He could not control his sobs or his heart that threatened to break. "I am standing here; I have not been a sacrifice."
"I gave you up long ago, when I knew that I would never be able to love like I loved you. I wanted to give you my heart, to let you keep it safely with your own. Instead, you threw it back at me with a force that broke it in two. I could not love you again if I tried." She turned away from him again and let her tears fall freely.
"I will give anything, do anything, say anything; just please give me another chance." He was begging now.
She did not turn to him; she could not for fear of losing her control. "Can I let you in on a little secret? I cannot love you again because I never stopped. This pain would be easier if I could move on and love again. But I cannot face another man without thinking of you. I cannot think of anything but you. You haunt my dreams and my waking life. I have become a soul trapped in a memory of something that I never had. I never had you, and I cannot have you now. I cannot let you in, I cannot trust that you will not take my heart and break it again."
He moved forward, closing the gap that had always been between them. He placed a hand on her shoulder and that one gesture forced her to the ground in sobs. "Please, let me take it away. Let me rid you of the pain that I caused."
Her sobs turned to wails of pain, her control leaving her as she let the emotions rush out. She screamed in pain, tears flowing from her eyes like a river. "I cannot let you in."
"You are afraid too, yes. But you can let me in." He said.
Her tears began to dwindle, her sobs dying out. She was afraid that her voice might have left her in that moment. Maybe what she had wished for all these years had finally happened. Maybe she had died, her pain staying in earth as her body left it. But a rough breeze rushed by her, waking her up to the world she was still in. "Back when I came to you, crying and in pain, I asked you what you would have done if I was not your student. You never answered me."
"I would have kissed your pain away. I would have held you until the worry disappeared and you found hope in my arms. I would have lain beside you and watched you sleep, watching over you all night. I would have fought all who came to harm you, until I could no longer fight." He was letting his tears fall. "I never sent you away because you were my student. I sent you away because I did not know if I could do all the things that I wanted. I didn't trust myself."
"You should have known me enough to know that I trusted you. If I did not, I would not have offered you my heart." She stood and faced him. "It's over. I cannot be that girl anymore and you are not that man. We have grown and all though I love you just as much as I loved you then, not even you can take away what has happened." She sighed. "I love you Severus."
"Hermione… wait." But he was too late. With a blink of the eye she was gone, leaving him to stare at the room and deal with the memories alone.
A/N: Hey. So this is really sad and I might take it and go back into what happened to Hogwarts, who Snape was trying to save (although I am sure it was obvious) and what happened between him and Hermione. So send me some reviews if you want me to go on.
For Love or Death is finished and it will be updated two chapters at a time and a sequel is in the works.