Chapter 1

Some would say that a secret love is exhilarating

With the rush of adrenaline at midnight rendezvous', the over desperate kisses and the spine tingling aura that was sparked, it was clandestine at its most addictive.

Yet to both of them, the thrill of a secret love had long since past. Bitterly.

The unwanted prospect of a concealed love was one that seemed practically unavoidable. In their case, it was the only route they could take, if they dared take the chance. They both prayed it could have happened under different circumstances. But this is what they had been given, and they both knew they had to be grateful. It wasn't that they were ashamed. They had nothing to be ashamed of.

Yet.

It was simply bad timing, but it would always be bad timing. A relationship was pretty hard to keep when you were on a pilgrimage, especially when there really wasn't enough time or privacy. He thought that they ought to admit their feelings for each other to the other guardians and survive the onslaught of disagreement and then, hopefully, be happy with each other. She, however, thought very differently.

She did not want it out in the open, a Summoner-Guardian relationship was considered outrageous and the last thing she needed was for her Guardians to be cold towards her, especially when they were so close. Besides she considered one late night, they would simply never understand.

"It's just naivety"

She'd lost count of the amount of times she had agued back to these kinds of remarks that would arise in her head. This was not naivety. This was not some high school romance which resulted in mere kisses and holding hands, and finding out who admired you by spread of word from fellow classmates.

Admittedly, at first, she did think the event on Macalania Spring was made out of pity. She had weighed it up and much to her dismay; she had convinced herself that he had purely done it as a sign of comfort. Marrying a man she didn't love once again for Spira's sake, then becoming widowed, being called a traitor and finding her religion was a twist of lies, she was doubtful there had been any affection in that kiss at all. If anything, just to help stop the pain she was feeling. And it did, but he didn't seem to realise that that kiss would lead to another thing on her list of ever-growing problems.

"Thank goodness for losing my staff huh?"

Annoyed didn't even scrape the surface of how Yuna was feeling. Convinced the time was around midnight, she was becoming all the hastier with her searching, no matter how bone achingly tired she was. There was no question in the matter; her guardians had spent an overwhelming amount of Gil on a new staff for her that day and that meant there was absolutely no other option. She had to find the Staff. How ungrateful would she look? How many remedies and other useful items could have been bought?! This had been a gift for her of sorts, and she had lost it.

The group had arrived at Rin's Travel Agency, in the Calm Lands a mere few hours ago and at the point, it hand been in her hand. Her head was aching from the amount of times she had played the last few hours in her head. Miraculously, sometime between paying at the counter for her room and oh wait- being in her room, she had lost the dammed staff. She had searched her room endlessly, from her small pack, to the wardrobe, to behind the door and every place in-between, but there was no sight of her staff.

She collapsed on to the bed with a sigh of frustration, her eyes still scanning her room for a precious sight of her lost item. She was at her wits end, and not just because of tonight's events. Two weeks, two weeks and nothing. Their relationship was deemed to be no different then it was before. Breathing inwardly, she felt sudden moistness against her skin and was surprised to find tears ever so slowly, sliding down her flustered cheeks. She hastily wiped it away, feeling slightly humiliated at her sign of desolation.

"A walk would clear my head." she thought, determinedly rising from the bed. She only hoped that she would return – her head much clear then previously- and find her staff without any problems. She smoothed down her dress and strode out of the inn, only to be hit by a blast of chilling night air. She instantly regretted not putting on some outdoor gear for such a time of year, idiotic she thought, seeing as it was the middle of night and they were dreadfully close to Mt Gagazet- famous for such arctic weather. She cursed under her breath and walked back the same way she had came with her Guardians only a few days ago. She felt her fingers become increasingly numb, not to mention her state of mind as well. She was walking nowhere in particular, and with every step all her worries seemed to become insensitive. Not taking in her surroundings, she was extremely lucky not to walk into any fiends. No weapon? No items? No Guardians? She shook her head slightly with irritation. Honestly, couldn't she get anything right?

After some time she raised her head from looking at the ground, only to come face to face with a steep

bank, coated in mud due to recent downpours. Not too long ago, she had clambered not so dignifiedly down this in order to reach the vast Calm Lands below. She had slipped several times, splashing mud all up her dress. She was not impressed, and the laughs from the other - particularly male guardians- had caused her great displeasure. He and Rikku - rising to the occasion - couldn't resist the option of a mud fight, the state of the two teenagers causing her to try and hide her beaming smile with a frown of displeasure. He understood, of course he did. Or at least he tried to. She had to show her maturity at all times, be polite and respectful, whilst her youngest guardians took advantage of their youth, sliding down the mud bank, earth coating their clothes and face. Oh, how much she wanted to join them. She laughed quietly to herself then, imagine Lulu's face!

She pushed the thought aside and considered her options. There was no way she would be able to walk up the bank in the dark, no matter how much she wished to view the vast plains from above. Her only option was to return to the agency and hope she could find her staff. She strode quickly, wanting to return to the warmth of the Inn as soon as possible.

That was, until she saw him. Pacing impatiently back and forth in front of the inn, she was surprised to see him look so…concerned. Having not yet acknowledged her presence, she slowly paced towards him, hoping not for a nagging from her Guardian. She came closer to the light that was radiating from the inn and she saw his eyes widen in surprise at the sight of her.

He tried to hold back the relieved smile he had oh his face, but he really couldn't, he had surprised himself at how worried he was when he woke up to find her room door open and no notice as to where she had gone. He walked to her and noticed her shivering form.

"Yuna…?" he whispered softly, standing mere millimetres from her. The warmth coming from his body causing her to whimper slightly, - desperate for his touch. His hand held her arm firmly, trying to get her to look at him. She eventually lifted her eyes from the ground, staring pitifully into his ocean eyes.

"I'm s-sorry…" she stuttered, shuffling her feet anxiously. The last thing she wanted was for him to be angry with her. Eyebrows raised is anticipation for an answer, he noticed her shivering. He couldn't tell her off, not now. He really was a bad guardian, he couldn't find her when she'd run off, and he couldn't even warn her afterwards. He merely sighed with relief and pulled her gently into an embrace.

Warmth surged her body, burying her face into his chest, trying t hide the beaming smile and blush she had adorning her face. His hands ran up her arms and shoulder affectionately in an attempt to warm her. Nuzzling his head into her hair, kissing it gently, she ran her fingers across the naked skin of his torso, visible from his blitz uniform. She could hear him breathe deeply, taking in the scent of her shampoo and fragrant perfume. She always thought he was a little weird for doing things like that, until he later stated he was – in his own words - "a new found romantic, since meeting her".

"You got me worried, ya' know?" he muttered into her hair, running his hand through her auburn tresses. He felt her nod slightly, her fingers slowly stroking his toned chest.

Eventually removing her head from his chest, her eyes fluttering bashfully as she tried to keep his intense gaze.

"Want to know a secret?"

He nodded in response, smiling tenderly at her shy persona. Her blushing cheeks, fluttering eyelashes and ruby red lips were distracting his attention terribly. She looked so fragile, so pure – traits he was not use to in a girl. Ones that he had grew to adore and yearn for. In fact, he secretly thanked her for introducing him to the unknown species of independent, respectable women. If it wasn't for her, he would probably still be letting his testosterone run wild, sleeping with as many under dressed, high matinence girls he could find around Spira – just like he use to in Zanarkand.

She was looking at him strangely, he had probably let his mind wander a bit too far – thinking of his home did that to him. He never denied it – he missed it dreadfully, but there were many things in Spira to stay for.

Yuna of course remained the main reason to stay, and she alone conquered all reasons against staying on Spira after they had defeated Sin.

"I lost my new staff…" she mumbled, lowering her head in shame - hoping that his thoughts were still elsewhere and that he hadn't heard her.

Then he laughed cheerfully, almost as though he was expecting her to say it all along. She should have known. Wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, he brought her body closer to his, their lips unavoidably close.

She could feel the warmth of his breath against her lips, making them parched and a longing to be caressed. She felt a great swell of happiness rise within her, his feelings for her obviously reflecting her own.

"Perhaps you could…help me…find it…" she managed to stammer, biting her lip with nerves at the sight of him gazing at her.

"Maybe…later..."

Utter desperation was how he felt, the amount of times he had tried to be alone with her the past few weeks was tremendous. Outside, in the middle of the night in the Calm lands, he considered their encounter to be relatively secretive. Then again, if Lulu herself was standing in the reception of the agency right that very minute for some unknown reason, he would still have risked everything just to kiss her. The longer they left it, the more confusing it would become and there was no time like the present.

He had that look in his eyes, glazed with tension, glancing longingly at her slightly parted lips. He brushed his lips ever so gently over hers, a small sign of permission that he considered necessary. If there one thing about Yuna that he had learnt, it was that she liked to take things slow. She closed her eyes instinctively, allowing him to lead her to the thing she craved. He kissed her cheek, brushing his lips over her flustered skin and kissing the corner of her mouth. A moan escaped her mouth as he finally pressed his lips against hers, causing him to do the same. She wrapped her arms around his neck, one hand grasping his soft hair. He was gentle, only allowing his lips to tenderly touch hers. Butterflies circled her stomach as desire swept over her, his touch was still new too her and the mere feeling of his lips upon hers amazed her.

Finally – after much resistance- he pulled away, resting his fore head against hers and staring into her mesmerising eyes.

She laughed a little, at first she thought it was from the awkwardness of the situation, but then he gave a quiet 'phew' of relief and she realised she wasn't laughing from awkwardness at all.

"Better go look for you staff then huh?" he smirked, unwilling pulling away from her, his trademark cheeky smile branded on his face. He soon returned to his former, less serious self, offering his arm out to her to hold in an over-dramatised fashion. She took it, giggling to herself quietly, as they walked into the warmth of the Travel Agency.

Rin didn't look too surprised as they walked into the reception, close together, her head leaning against his upper arm with her eyes dropping tiredly. He had known since first meeting them that they had a connection but, he knew it wasn't for him divulge into. He merely smiled –almost sympathetically- as the couple walked down the hall toward the rooms.

They soon arrived at Yuna's room - which conveniently he thought- was at the other end of the corridor to Lulu's… but the thought was soon swatted away with a sign of frustration. It made him feel ashamed to think such things, such things of Yuna anyway. Especially when he had no intention of carrying them out… or at least not yet. It wasn't that he didn't want her, it's just, he knew he had to…pace himself. He was grateful really; he wanted to take it slow too, for once. But it was unknown territory and he came to the conclusion one night in his sleeping bag, when he had a chance to think- without the never ending chaos that occurred during the day - that waiting, just made his desire for her so much worse.

Not that he didn't lust for her, oh hell he did. It was unbearable, endless and above all, embarrassing. Always happening at the worst of times, for example: whilst attempting to have an intellectual conversation with Auron or trying to show apologies when Lulu was scowling for some crime he had apparently committed. He tried to push the thoughts away, but he was a teenage boy, who had, back in Zanarkand, experienced the company of many women, it had seemed normal to him. Yet here he was sex free for almost a year, against his will and made to feel like an utter fool.

She walked into the room and immediately started searching once again for her staff. Attempting to avoid her, he moved to the other side of the room and also began his routine search. She couldn't deny it felt a little weird, having him in her room. Particularly as it was under such petty circumstances. Much to her dismay, rooting through the wardrobe proved fruitless and she soon moved the bathroom.

Bathroom? Why would the staff be in here?!

She agreed to the thought in her head, yet she still remained in the room, hoping that he would find the staff and the awkwardness was cease. She just needed to calm down. The small bathroom mirror reflected a flushed face, one she was hoping not to meet.

It's no big deal; he is just helping me look!

She really wished she didn't look so red in the face. It really did everything away. She felt uncomfortable, on edge and more than anything – tired. Thoroughly she thought out her plan. She would simply sit on her bed. That's all. Hopefully he would understand she wished to sleep and he would leave the room. Oh, she felt cruel. Did she really want to get rid of him? No, she simply wanted it to stop being so awkward. She didn't even understand why it was, or at least, she didn't want to confirm it to herself.

Without much more thought, she strode across the room and sat on the bed, unaware of him still searching through the room. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up falling asleep whilst he was still room, a predicament she did not want to be put under. Drowsiness was slowly, pulling at her, enticing her to lie on the bed.

It was a good thing her eyes were closed, he thought. Unknown to her, he had long since ditched his searching attempts. Leaning against the wall he stood, admiring her, she looked so adorable. Rubbing her eyes, trying to fight her exhaustion, she was fighting a losing battle. Honestly, she must have looked like a little child, she was so irritated! The sound of a door clicking could be heard, but she decided to take no notice. He must have left the room; she certainly couldn't hear him anymore. There was no hint of his presence.

That was until she felt a sudden heat surround her hands, prying them away from her eyes. Kneeling before her, was him, boring his eyes into hers. Without words passing between them, she scooted up to the other side of the bed, allowing him to lie on his side next to her. A hasty move she thought with her head feeling dizzy and her heart rapidly.

"Your hearts pounding like crazy" he stated fondly, his index finger slowly tracing circles on her stomach. Eye connect was avoided- he stared at his trailing finger whilst she stared at the ceiling, lying on her back.

He paid such attention to her, it was remarkable. "How did you know?" she replied, finally drawing her eyes from the ceiling and glancing over at him.

"Just figured." He shrugged, removing his finger from her stomach and beginning to fiddle with the cotton sheets that lay underneath them, his eyes still refused to make contact with hers. Yuna changed to lying on her side, feeling the sudden closeness that was between them once again. So close to his lips…

Still, he remained unable to meet her stare. It was obvious he was thinking. Either that or – Yuna couldn't quite believe it herself- he was nervous. Open about his feelings was a trait, but she was supposed to be the shy one! A sudden, unexpected feeling of shock emerged as she barely heard him murmur.

"My hearts pounding…"

Vulnerability showed in his eyes, if only for a moment. As he looked up at her, she felt at peace, knowing this was him trying to state his feelings towards her. He was being truly serious with her, and viewing this side of him was something she was not used use to. Only could she remember it on one occasion, and it seemed like tonight was running in the same direction.

Smiling as he draped his arm across her waist, glad he had said what had been on his mind. Hopefully she would understand. He took a chance then. He kissed her, without warning. He let her adjust to the feeling, her hand moving slowly to caress his cheek. Yuna was surprised, but she found his sudden confidence overwhelming alluring. It was still tender and soft but the unavoidable thought still stood.

Here they both were, on a bed, alone, kissing. Nobody had the slightest idea and there seemed no chance of them getting caught.

The mere thought alone gave him the confidence to take the next stage. He leant a little closer and held onto her a little tighter. She soon did the same as him, following his actions and allowing herself to truly feel the passion he had for her. They pulled apart for a mere minute, just to see each other smile shyly as their feelings became openly obvious. Their hunger for each other soon took over once more however; as they dived for each others lips once more in a despite attempt to satisfy their needs and wants.

The once innocent kiss had become a lot more heated. Her hands were hastily running through his hair once again, desperate to be closer to him than ever before and he willingly complied, kissing with more fervour and letting his hands wander slightly. But only slightly, sliding his hand down her thigh and back up again to rub her back affectionately.

It was unbearably hot, their hands wrestling for skin to touch. He evidently knew the next stage yet he refused to cross it, not yet. Otherwise this would soon end up like those drunken nights in Zankarand, or at least it would if she was ready. Ever so slightly he slowed down, taking his time once again as she sighed into the kiss.

Reluctantly he pulled away, tugging on her bottom lip, letting the contact to last as long as possible. Yuna felt his heated gaze cease as he blinked repeatedly, almost as though he was trying to force down his desire. Smiles lit up on both their face, his head shaking and causing them to Eskimo kiss, bringing back the innocence that had been lost.

Nonetheless, along with the quiet ambiance came the feeling of drowsiness and Yuna soon felt her eyes become heavy once more. Still remaining close to him, she lay on her back, but snuggled her head against her chest. He took the hint and leaned over her to turn off the lamp attached to the wall she was next to.

In the darkness he fidgeted against her body, earning a few stifled giggles from her as he finally settled with lying on his stomach, his arm strewn across her stomach, keeping the contact. Usually he found it hard to sleep, but her steady, peaceful breathing calmed him. She had no time to worry about being caught, or her damn lost staff. She was in utter bliss.

Then, she felt his hand tangle with hers, giving it a gentle squeeze as a means of goodnight, followed by a gentle peck on the cheek. For some reason, there seemed little point in words. His head eventually rested on her shoulder as sleep took her. Even the pitch black couldn't seem to hide the joyful grin on his handsome face.

"Night Yuna."

"Turns out we never found that staff…"

The rest of the pilgrimage had continued in this fashion. But it was becoming restless, predictable and dissatisfying. They both wanted to be truly alone, without the worry of one of the other guardians walking in on them, or a dreaded fiend ambushing them. It was a perfect moment killer. The amount of times they had been interrupted – typically at the best of times – was becoming irritating. Just as he would dare to kiss her neck, or run his hands across her chest. They were churning out quite number of embarrassing events.

Here were two technically very different people, coming together and simply trying to make it work.

She was like water. As calm and tranquil as the Spirian sea. She was composed, yet her elegance blossomed and touched the hearts of all of those who met her. She was not afraid to show her will power to succeed, the tone of her voice changing like the tide. Her presence was calming-like the gentle lapping of the waves against a sandy beach- gracefully hiding all traces of pessimism.

He, however, was like thunder. Fast and unpredictable like lightening. He flickered hope and determination to all those who were willing to listen. His emotions would churn like a thunder cloud until he sparked into a bolt of unhindered emotion. His high spirits and laughter was infectious. He was spontaneous, impulsive and sometimes a little too hasty in his actions-finding trouble challenging his energy.

The honest truth was that they were complete opposites, making up for what the other lacked. They were like yin and yen – one just wasn't the same without the other. Thunder and water-conflicting elements that seemed to clash and merge into something that was simply breathtaking. Their obvious differences certainly seemed to help conceal their relationship from the others, they were simply too blind to see.

They didn't want her to be sidetracked, or hurt from love. It was always focus, focus, focus. It gradually became a little like brainwashing to her. Was she not entitled to love? Surely, she thought, since her life was due to be short lived and after all the joy and peace she would bring to Spira, she was entitled to feel the one thing all people seemed to greatly desire and experience in their lifetime. This was not revolt, this was not rebellion.

These were the circumstances she was forced into, and as such caused her great bewilderment. It belittled her and ironically, the only one who could calm her was the one who had caused the dilemma.

To say she was confused was an understatement; his involvement with her had made her question everything she had once stood for, everything she had practically spent her whole life working towards. For the first time since she could remember, she wanted to be selfish.

Then the recurring thought would arise yet again for the Yevon-knows-how-many-time, causing her head to haze and her to sigh with annoyance. She couldn't do this to her Guardians, after everything they had been through, she couldn't do this to Spira and its people and oddly enough she couldn't do it to him. No matter how much she adored him, no matter how much she would long for him, she couldn't let him win. She had to prove that she was strong enough to do this, even with him polluting her freedom of mind with his mere existence.

However, since upon leaving Mt Gagaget, he had becoming increasingly…quiet. It was probably only her who noticed. Sure enough he still cracked jokes and messed around. But his mind always seemed to be elsewhere.

He was barely coping, there was enough strain on him for constantly reassuring her, but he had worries of his own. Taken from his world and cast into anew, amongst people of which only a few understood his predicament, he felt alone and unsure of anything. He was angry, but concealed it – resolute on preventing upsetting the other members of the group. With one member particularly in mind.

He questioned everything, especially himself. Feeling the bitter cold wind on Mt Gagazet, was that not real? The sense of victory and pride after helping to protect her, was that not real either? Most importantly, how could anyone – even the Fayth- say that the feeling that grew in his heart whenever she ever so much as looked at him was fake? A dream? He refused to believe it, but he knew no better. He knew nobody could question the Fayth. The only person he felt could still make him feel alive, make him feel as though it was deception-was her. He was infuriated, they deemed never to be together freely. How would he cope if he couldn't save her? He daren't even consider it. The guilt would be numbing, soul destroying and overpowering. How much worse would it be –he supposed – if heleft her? That couldn't be considered either. After all he was trying to do to save her, it seemed as thought that was not to happen either. Either she died, or something happened to him. He didn't know what, but he knew he wouldn't be around for her. The grief he felt was already crushing him.

So, he did the only thing he could. He put on a brave face. One thing was for certain; his or her last few days on Spira had to be consisted with as much laughter, smiles and affection as seemed possible. Even if everyone could tell it was strained, unnatural – he knew she would be grateful.

He found the night the hardest. Counting down the hours until Rikku, him and the summoner were sent to sleep, he found it crucial that he slept next to her. At the beginning of the journey, this was strictly forbidden, the Black mage forcing the two to sleep are far away from each other as possible. But he was sure that Lulu had eased on her due to sympathy and he couldn't be more thankful. Rikku seemed to get the hint too, and moved to the other side of the sleeping quarters, allowing the two to be a lot more 'intimate' without any worries of getting caught. They had become slightly careless, with the ever closer Zanarkand approaching; they felt no need to be so cautious. Really, they could care less. The rest of the group could see them for all they cared, that was the last of their worries.

Little words would pass between them; there seemed nothing left to say, or no privacy to say them. There were only actions. He would watch her fall asleep, remembering every little beautiful detail that graced her. He would study her admiringly, until his eyes won over his mind and caused him to sleep. Praying that in the morning, he would have the chance to see her again.

This ritual occurred every night ever since they had left Mt Gagazet and left his love puzzled greatly, yet she never questioned. Allowing him to devote his attentiveness to her, she got the impression that he was preparing himself for the mourning process, studying her so that he would take no guilt in wishing he had done so more. She tried to understand, but couldn't help but feel unease. She knew that their time together was limited and she expected every night to stay like this.

He, however, was considering other plans. In a surprisingly warm cavern leading to the dreaded Zanarkand, he considered sneaking her away. Just one last time. He wanted to hold her, to kiss and worship her without any holding back, without the fear of getting caught. He wanted to comfort her and hope she would do the same. And as upsetting as it might be, he was determined to try and help her accept the inevitable – that after defeating Sin, they were deemed never to be. He was unsure, apprehensive at the idea but he came to a conclusion that held no debate.

Do it - or forever wish you had.